There’s No Such Thing as a Soul Mate

I got an email from a young man who was feeling frustrated with relationships.  He had recently asked a girl on a date and had been turned down. She explained to him that she was waiting for her “soul mate”.  Apparently, she didn’t think he was the one.

My heart goes out to this young man, because it always stings to get turned

down- no matter how spiritual or holy the rejection may be.  I’ve met more than my share of young men and women who are sitting around, waiting for their soul mate.  As though one day, there will be a magical knock on the door and “poof”, their soul mate will be waiting.

I think this philosophy of a “soul mate” has done far more harm than good in our society.  First and foremost, it’s a concept that is rooted in ancient mythology.  Story has it that the gods split human beings as a form of punishment for their pride.  Since then, human beings have been on the search to find their “soul mate” in an attempt to reach completion once again.  Ancient mythology declares that there is this unspoken knowledge- some sort of feeling that a person experiences when they come face to face with their soul mate.  Half full people waiting around for someone else to complete them.  I don’t know about you, but that doesn’t sound very healthy to me.

Beyond the fact that the term is founded completely in fairy tale, it’s also entirely unbiblical.  It is a title that is promotes “feeling” and “energy” that attracts one person to another.  It’s a dangerous concept because it fools you into believing that love and marriage hinge on emotional ecstasy.  And even more detrimental, is that it gets you to believe that you are incomplete until you come face to face with the love of your life.

How long will it take us to learn that feelings can’t be trusted?  They may help point us in the right direction, but they should NEVER be the sole foundation on which an entire relationship is based.   Because at the end of the day, feelings come- and then feelings go.  Those who build their relationships on the foundation of “feeling” will find that when the rain comes- their love quickly crumbles.

All over the world there are Christian young men and women waiting for that magical moment when they will come face to face and eye to eye with the person that will stir their heart and connect deeply with their soul.  For the one who will complete them and make them whole.

There is no such thing as a person who will complete our souls, because according to God’s word- we are only made complete in Him.

Healthy relationships begin by understanding this completeness.  They are based on positive interactions, effective communication, and an emotional give-and-take with another human being that reflects health and wholeness.  They are founded in faith, rooted in good choices, and grounded in hard work and a whole lot of grace.  Don’t get me wrong- healthy relationships will always come with an abundance of healthy feelings, passion, and romance- but they may not always start with those emotions.

If you’re waiting to meet that person that will trigger some sort of magical moment inside of you that will dub them as “the one”, there’s a good chance you’ll be waiting for a long, long time. Instead, do yourself a favour and begin to make connections with the people God has placed in your life.  Get to know yourself, and then get to know people of the opposite sex who have the qualities you are looking for in a future mate.

Don’t freak out if the feelings aren’t magical or mystical, because frankly, they were never intended to be.  Look for qualities, traits and characteristics that are attractive based on the things you know you need and want in a relationship.  Find a relationship that emits healthiness, wholeness, and respect. Take it one step at a time, and be assured that in a right relationship- feelings will always be present, but they can never be the foundation of a healthy relationship.

True love is based on a healthy combination of facts and feelings, and a whole lot of good choices.  May God give you the wisdom to choose well.

DATING TIPS

Q: What advice would you give to those of us who are “out there” in the world of dating? 

A: I dusted off one of my old journals the other day.

I’ll be honest – not such a good idea. I half-laughed/half-cringed while reading through the pages, “listening” to my 20-year-old self talk about life and dream about the future. I had a pretty good head on my shoulders (if I do say so myself), but even so, looking back I realize I had so many things wrong in my mentality as a single young woman.

As I look at my life and progression through it, there are so many things I know now that I wish I knew then. So many things that would have spared me heartache, grief, and straight-up saved me time! I spent so much time dreaming, worrying, and thinking about things that would never actually happen.

I invested my energy in the wrong places, and my emotions in the wrong people.

I get that some life-lessons have to be experienced in order to be learned, but I don’t always think that’s the case. Sometimes, I think that all it takes is someone who’s “been there, done that” to give us some perspective and steer us in the right direction (which is why I wrote THIS). As I reflect on my time as a single, here are some things I wish someone would have told me:

1. The most important person you could ever get to know is yourself.

Sound obvious to you? Then you’re better off than I was. Back then, I probably would have told you that I “knew who I was”, but I really didn’t. The truth is, I didn’t take the time to get to know myself until far too late in my life as a single. And I don’t think I’m alone in that.

So many times, our years of singleness are spent focusing on who we’re going to be with, rather than who we are. Countless hours and limitless energy are poured into getting to know the person standing before us, many times, at the neglect of ourselves.

We can spend so much time trying to find the right person, that we actually lose ourselves in the process.

I wish someone would have clued me in on the fact that getting my stuff together was a huge piece to the puzzle of a nourished relationship. Instead of fixating on relationships- I wish I would have invested more time in developing interests, working through my past, and wrapping my brain around my identity in Christ. Because at the end of the day, you can’t really know what you want in a relationship- until you know who you are (See Chapters 1-4 in True Love Dates to find out what it really means to get to know yourself).

2. You will always attract the kind of person you believe you deserve.

The truth is that we all come with some sort of a price tag. We rely on so many superficial things to measure our value and our worth by: appearance, intelligence, success. But no matter how you choose calculate it, your price tag is determined by one thing and one thing alone: Yourself.

I wish someone could have told me that you get to determine the price that you will place upon yourself. But more so, I wish I would have known the reality that the price I choose – is also the price I’ll be purchased at. I spent so much of my life undervaluing my worth, thinking I wasn’t good enough, smart enough, or cute enough. I made decisions based on what I believed I deserved, and my inability to see my true worth took me down some roads with some people I wish I never would have travelled.

It’s important to get real with the price we place on ourselves, and realize how valuable we are, because we have been made by a God who said so. A God who saw we were worth so much, and paid a high cost just to prove it.

One thing I desperately wish someone would have told me, is that if you want to attract someone who values you, you’ve first got to value yourself. That’s why I’m so adamant, now, about spreading that message myself. 

3. Your story has far more to do with who you are, than who you’re with.

It’s hard not to be “single-minded” when you’re on the search for love (no pun intended). It’s easy to focus in on your desires in the here and now. But the truth is, finding a relationship is just part of God’s bigger story for your life.

I think the most foundational truth that I’ve learned now that I’m a married woman, is that my life has far more to do with finding my purpose than it ever did with finding someone to marry.

I love my husband, and I’m blessed by the marriage we have but I realize that this relationship is just part of the bigger picture God has for my life. My purpose, my security, and my value weren’t resolved in the arms of my spouse. There is so much more that God has made me to do and to be, and so much more that I want to become. Finding true love is just part of the equation of my story — and it’s only part of yours as well. Seek to find your purpose and pursue your God-given passions while standing alone. Because one thing I wish I would have known is that you’ll never regret investing in God’s bigger picture. It’s never in vain. 

No matter who you are or what you’ve been through, my prayer is that you learn from my mistakes, because a simple perspective change can make all the difference in your life–and in your relationships.

Should Christians Wait Until Marriage To Kiss?

Q: I am just wondering if a young couple striving for purity and holiness together should not kiss each other until the altar (or even just until engagement). I’m 20 years old and will soon be discussing physical boundaries with a potential boyfriend, but kissing is one thing I’m not sure how to address.

A: While my answer to this question will likely surprise you, let me first start off by saying that I’m thankful to see a question like this pop up in my submission box for this Q & A series, because it’s yet another reminder that there are some really good people out there, wanting nothing less than to honour God with their lives and relationships. And that is a really awesome thing.

We live in a culture that’s so infiltrated with sex and so immune to the hook-up culture, that sometimes I fear Christians lose their way amidst all the noise.

So to you who wrote in with this question – I just have to take a minute and say: way to go. Way to go in thinking ahead, making plans, and setting boundaries in your relationship so that you can honour God and one another in the process. Just by doing those simple things you are way ahead of the game.

And now, to jump right into this question: should you wait until marriage to kiss?

Most recently this concept of “no kissing before marriage” appeared as part of the “courtship movement”, specifically displayed in a mainstream way in the hit TV Show on TLC: 19 Kids and Counting. The Duggar Family practice a “no kissing before marriage” rule for their adult children, as a way to keep their courtships “focused on God and away from sexual temptation”.

Looking back, the first time I ever heard of this concept was actually during one of my classes in Christian college. I’ll never forget that day, because it was something I hadn’t really heard of before. Yes, I grew up in the era where the “purity culture” was being preached from the rooftops, but all in all, the focus was always on not having sex before marriage. Kissing wasn’t something that people really addressed.

I remember hearing my professor talk about how she and her husband decided to save their first kiss for marriage, and frankly, at the time, I thought it sounded like a pretty noble thing to do.

Fast forward 15 years from the very first time I heard about this concept – and my perspective on this topic has shifted. 

You see, now I’m a licensed professional counsellor, sitting in my office, working with couples, I actually see the other extreme of these hard and fast rules: more specifically, couples who have come to see me due to the backlash of their lack of comfort with physical intimacy — even in marriage. I’ve seen couples who really struggle to foster a physical relationship, because for so long they’ve been trained to repress their sexuality and sexual urges rather than to learn to appreciate and take control of them. 

It’s almost as though the message of what you “can’t do before marriage” for all those years started getting compartmentalized in their minds as “bad” or “wrong”. And now that they are married, they’re having a hard time breaking free of the guilt and shame that comes with physical intimacy and pretty much anything along the spectrum of sex. Working with these couples was intense, but it opened my eyes to the idea that often times, in an effort to protect ourselves from crossing the line of physical boundaries, we actually shame ourselves toward purity rather than empower ourselves toward it.

There’s so much to be said here, but in an effort to stay away from the “shame-based” approach toward physical interaction – and to answer your question frankly: no, I don’t think you need to wait until marriage to kiss. But let me unpack that a little bit. I think kissing, if done thoughtfully and deliberately, can be a way to add a sense of connection and affection to a relationship that is moving toward marriage.

So, how do you do it “correctly”? One of my favourite quotes about kissing I heard from a pastor somewhere along the way said it like this: 

“Make sure your kiss is a reflection of your love – not your lust.”

And the truth is – there is a huge difference between the two. A kiss can be an act of gratitude for this person you’ve been given, or it can be an act of greed to satisfy something inside of you. This is where it crosses the line and has the potential to lead to other self-serving sexual acts. And to be honest, if you feel like you’re not mature enough or strong enough to keep a kiss as a sign of love, than yes, it’s probably better for you and for your loved one to keep away from kissing all together until you can learn to practice healthy boundaries.

There are so many ways to show affection in a relationship, and a kiss is certainly one of them. But in doing so, always make sure that the display of your love isn’t entirely based on physical expression, because even in marriage, physical intimacy is a small fraction of a relationship in light of all the other ways two people express love and commitment to one another.

So if you’re going to kiss, let it be an expression of your love – not your lust.

WHY CHRISTIAN WOMEN NEED TO STOP “WAITING ON MEN”

 Q: How long should a woman “wait” for him to step up and ask her out before she gives up on him and moves on?

A: Before I tackle this question I have to say that I chose this particular question to represent a bigger issue. You see, out of the hundreds of questions submitted, I started noticing a theme that actually made me sad.

Question after question, I was hearing from women with similar concerns. Questions like:

Why do men expect so much but give so little?

How do you attract men, not boys?

Why is it so difficult to meet godly men, who don’t just profess their beliefs but actually run after God?

As a Christian women, does it set a poor precedent to be the one initiating a relationship?

We’ve been friends for years, how do I know if he likes me?

What do men think of a girl pursuing them?

The easy answer to the above questions would be to write more and more articles to the men telling them to give more, to ask more, to get healthier, to become stronger, to be godlier…and on and on and on. But first of all, that would take way too much time. And second of all, I think by answering all of the above questions in that way, we’re missing something pretty big: DEFERRED RESPONSIBILITY. That’s the one thing I see in common with all of the above questions.

What I mean by that statement is that it seems to me that in Christian circles, we have created a culture of single women who automatically defer the responsibility in their relationships to the man: 

Men should _________________________ (fill in the blank).

But instead of just waiting for the men to do ________________, I think it’s time for us women to step it up and take responsibility for our lives and relationships.  Here’s how:

START SPENDING TIME WITH BETTER GUYS — BECAUSE THEY’RE OUT THERE!

I always get questions from women disappointed in the men in their lives. Lying, cheating, passive, arrogant, rude, selfish…the list goes on and on of the things I hear. But one thing I want to say to these single women is to stop simply complaining about the “jerks” in your life and instead do something about it! Invest your time in the good ones! They’re out there and they’re waiting! I KNOW they’re out there, because I interact with them every single day through this blog and through the churches, colleges, and conferences I visit. Believe it or not, there are still good guys out there! So often women have a hard time believing this, and so settle for men who treat them poorly. Take responsibility for your relationships by investing your time in people who value your time.

STOP BEING OKAY WITH GIVING SO MUCH AND RECEIVING SO LITTLE

Another thing that comes up again and again is the idea of women who give too much, and men who give too little. But partly I think this is also a representation of the kind of relationships we’re allowing ourselves to engage in as women! If someone is giving too little, why waste another moment trying to convince them to give more? If this is the kind of dating relationship you’re in, imagine how terrible it will be to carry that kind of interaction into marriage? Take responsibility for your relationships by saying no to one-sided relationships.

STOP WAITING AROUND AND START LIVING!

I recently read a Christian article that encouraged women to “wait on the men”. I’ll be honest, I totally yelled at my computer screen at some point during that article. Since when are we called to “wait on men”? For some reason, I was pretty sure Scripture encouraged us to wait on God…..but hey, I could be wrong.

I see an interesting culture of conservative Christian women who believe that they should just wait around, letting the men in their lives “lead the way”, all-the-while passively following along in an ambiguous, awkward, who-knows-what-this-is kind of relationship where they have no idea if the guy is interested in them or just sees them as their “sister in Christ”.

But what gets me is that not only are they waiting, they’re making excuses for him along the way: maybe he’s too shy, maybe he hasn’t yet heard from God, maybe he’s trying to guard my heart, maybe he’s intimidated by me……..and with all the excuses, they continue to wait, and wait, and wait.

And what we get in the end is a whole lot of capable, godly, beautiful, amazing women who are just waiting around for the man to do something, all the while passing their lives away.

I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again: Christian woman get so bogged down by the concept of men being “leaders” that we fail to recognize that God only calls us into this kind of “leading” relationship within the walls of a loving, respect-filled, and mutually submissive marriage.

As single women, we need to take responsibility for our relationships by making sure to catch ourselves when we start moving into “ambiguous territory”. When your relationship with a man starts getting exclusive, emotionally intimate, physical/sexual, or starts to resemble a dating relationship in some way – don’t you DARE wait around for the next few years (or even months) wondering what’s going on in his head.

Protect your heart by either taking a few steps back and either giving him room to pursue you, or go ahead and ask him what’s up!! “Our friendship is starting to look more like dating….What are your intentions here?” It’s time for women to stop blindly following, and instead take responsibility for their relationships by protecting their hearts and minds from the zone of ambiguity, because it’s right there in the twilight zone of relationships that the most heart-break and confusion actually occurs.

Christian women need to take responsibility of their lives and their relationships, because God calls us to guard our hearts above all else, and that’s what this means. Because ladies, anything valuable, is worth protecting – AND EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU IS SO EXTREMELY VALUABLE.

Can I please get an Amen? If you hollered “Amen” at some point in this article do me a favour and share, tweet, or re-post.