RELATIONSHIP SERIES

IN THE BEGINNING

Marriage is so sacred to the Lord, that He created the first earthly relationship to be between husband and wife. I’m convinced, one of God’s greatest miracles is this holy union, for we witness God demonstrate how powerful He really is; He breaks the arithmetic rules of one plus one, equals two, when He said the two shall become one flesh.  He goes against human philosophy that “blood (family) is thicker than water”, by instructing us to leave and cleave; He revealed His authority by placing His seal of approval, declaring “What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate” (Mark 10:9 NASB)  

In the beginning God designed the perfect complementary relationship of male and female, to enjoy life together, have dominion over the earth, be fruitful and multiply, and most importantly glorify God as a family. I think it’s safe to say, that before the fall of man, Adam and Eve had the perfect marriage. I can only imagine how Adam felt when he woke up from his deep sleep, in awe of Eve, flesh of his flesh standing before him, with an overly joyful heart that his loneliness had ceased with his helpmeet.  I imagine Eve starring back at Adam, realizing that she was formed from his rib, with a grateful heart to be chosen to help him fulfill God’s divine plan for their lives.  Sadly, their marital bliss was interrupted when Satan entered the Garden. Eve found herself alone, removed from her husband’s protection, having a conversation with the devil. Adam possibly distracted by an animal or working on the other side of the garden, left his wife alone for a moment too long. The temptation of Satan had Eve focused on the forbidden fruit, instead of the plethora of fruit that God permitted her to eat. Eve succumbed to the enemy’s tactics, and ate the fruit. Adam, being in love with his beautiful wife Eve, succumbed to the influence of his helpmeet, and disobeyed his Creator. Then sin crept in…separation and death soon followed.

Unfortunately thousands of years later, marriages are still suffering from the effects of the first Adam’s sin. Now wives seek to dominate and rule over her husband, husbands utilizing their headship in a domineering, unloving, abusive manner. Spouses are no longer the apple of each other’s eye, rather they both long to fulfill their lustful appetite and eat the forbidden fruit. Instead of us against the world, competition between one another has slithered in the marriage, now it’s me against you. Unforgiveness, anger, bitterness, and selfishness have now overtaken this Christian marriage.

So how does a hopeless marriage get back to that Garden of Eden type of love? We must destroy the root of the problem, sin. The only power that is able to destroy sin, is that of Jesus Christ. Practically speaking this means that each spouse must operate under the power of Jesus Christ, and live a spirit-filled life. Both husband and wife must submit to the authority of God, then they can resist the devil, then the devil flees.(James 4:7) They both must walk in the Spirit and not fulfill the desires of the flesh (Galatians 5:16), display the fruit of the Spirit of love, joy, peace, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23), and both must die to self, pick up their crosses, and follow Jesus (Matthew 16:24).

Prior to Eve entering Adam’s life, Adam walked and talked with God. He had an intimate relationship with God. I strongly believe that the key to having a healthy, loving, godly relationship, starts with each spouse’s personal relationship with the Lord.  A personal revival, a renewed and restored relationship with God for both husband and wife, will produce a fruitful marriage. 12-years of marriage have taught me many things, but here are a few of the most important lessons I’ve learned:

#1- The way we treat our spouse, is a direct reflection on our relationship with Jesus, and how we treat Him. An un-submissive, disrespectful wife, is not submitting to the Lord and is disrespecting Him and His Word. (Ephesians 5:22,33). An unloving, non-sacrificing husband, is disobedient and rebellious to God. (Ephesians 5:25,33) A good measuring stick on how much we love the Lord and obey His Word, examine how you treat your spouse.

#2- Master the art of humility. Pride can destroy a marriage and must not have any space in the hearts of a spouse. Apologize and make peace quickly.

#3-  Keep God first. This should be obvious to Christians, however, we can easily be distracted with trying to please our spouse, that we fail to keep God in His proper position, first place. We must remember that our relationship with the Lord is our first priority, and idol worship (of our spouse) will not be tolerated by God.

The marriage relationship has been under attacked since the beginning, and continues to be under attack today. Society tells us if we’re not happy to just get a divorce, extreme feminist proclaim men aren’t needed, and homosexuals have influenced the government to redefine the definition of marriage being between one man and woman. But as followers of Christ, may we remember that marriage was God’s idea. He ordained it.  It is Him that we will all be accountable to. “So then each of us will give an account of himself to God.” (Romans 14:12 NASB)

CAN YOU MARRY ANYBODY?

My dear Jack, look, you’re only dating this babe because she’s what’s available not what you really want. It’s like going to all those secondary school dance events in those days and all the girls are taken, except this one girl. Well, that’s the only “choice” you have so you dance with her and strike up conversation. But you soon become shackled to her when your friends begin to talk about you and her, ribbing you. And that’s how you find yourself in a “relationship” you never really wanted. Social pressure. You’re lonely. She’s available. That’s all there is to this relationship. Her sole value to you is utilitarian. Other things being equal you wouldn’t date her. You’re not attracted to her and she has traits you don’t like. But she’s lonely and you’re lonely, hence relationship.

But there’s a danger to such matches. You see, when you marry each other the alonement that motivated the marriage will evaporate. The basis of the relationship is thus gone. You’re then left to build the relationship with what is not there. It’s like trying to build a castle with air. You can only construct it with your imagination. That’s when everything begins to grate and irritate you. You can’t stand her. Little things will ignite your anger. All the inconsistencies you overwrote with the need to assuage your loneliness will now be obvious. Her nature, her pimples, her background… They’re now stark. It’s going to be a hard and sad marriage, and you’re going to drift apart. There’ll be a disconnect. You never loved her. You were brought together by that which disappeared once you came together. There’s nothing left, no glue.

Culture matters in relationship. If you’re exposed and she’s not exposed, it’s going to show up. That’s when guys begin to complain of her “background”. But backgrounds don’t suddenly appear. It’s called background. And I don’t get this thing about people saying you can marry anybody. Says who? Neither do I get people saying love doesn’t matter. Why would it not matter! Of course you might have heard that romantic love doesn’t last, so not to focus on it or give it much regard. These are strange philosophies sometimes perpetuated by well-meaning religious people. We know from the Bible at least that Jacob and Rachel kept their romantic love alive for 14 years at least, even more. And we know Jacob’s father was a romantic too. It’s recorded he was “sporting” with his wife.

I sometimes worry about some of the teachings religious folk are exposed to. Some are quite troubling. In trying to be spiritual some have become non-human. People are being taught romantic love is “carnal”, as well as physical attraction and beauty. Of course according to these teachings light in complexion women have “mammy water (mermaid) spirit”. It never occurs to someone that maybe two-thirds of all the women in the world are light in complexion. And that if this absurd syllogism is followed through then all white women have mermaid spirit! Unfortunately, it sometimes takes up to a decade for a wrong teaching to fully generate an impaired marriage. And so the totems of matrimonial mismatches erected on the edifice of false teachings take time to crumble.

Love matters in a relationship and in marriage. Attraction matters in relationship, and in marriage. If you don’t love her don’t marry her. If you’re not attracted to her leave her alone. You’re a man. You’re visual. You’re ever going to be affected by what you see. Marry whom you’re attracted to. That physical attraction mind you, is going to affect the state of sexual congress in that marriage. I don’t care how spiritual you are, as long as you’re a man you’re going to be affected by what you see! Unless of course you’re a spirit. Maybe then attraction won’t matter to you. In which case you should marry a spirit. It’s these kinds of teachings that produce confusion and apoplexy in a young man after some time in marriage. He can’t reconcile his spiritual posture with the reality of his emotional and physical needs. And that’s when he wishes he had married that other girl, the one he deemed beautiful and “spiritually dangerous.” Get out of fake spirituality. It’s very important you’re attracted to your wife.

As per relationship, each man’s emotional, cultural and physical need is peculiar. It’s why we’re attracted to different types and certain types. We can only be attracted to certain types, not everyone. And never use the wrong criteria for marriage. That she’s a faithful usher in church cannot be the basis of marriage. It’s a basis for promotion to head usher but not a criterion for marriage. Think! How can the fact that she wears rose petals on Sunday and directs people to seats be the basis of marriage! That’s not saying the faithfulness in church is of no value. It has value. It’s just that it’s a corroborative factor not the primary consideration. What is it corroborating, that IS the question. And so when the marriage breaks down because it was founded on false premises the religious begin to wonder.

There is a book called the Song of Solomon in the Bible. It’s a book you should read! Of course some people have so spiritualized the Song of Solomon even Solomon won’t recognize it. I’m saying don’t let religion mess up your brain. Christianity is supposed to enhance your capacities not degrade them. In a marriage love matters. Affection maters. Attraction matters. Physical attributes matter. So does character. It’s the combination of all these factors that make a wonderful wife potent. Get your philosophy of marriage right. If your ideology is misbegotten it will produce cataclysmic consequences. I’ll advise you go with a proven millennia old marriage philosophy than a so-called modern one hardly 50 years old.

From Leke Alder, Jack & Jil Series

MARRIAGE IS A TWO LANE TRAFFIC

There’s that mistaken belief marriage is a one-way traffic system, not a two-lane highway. If you stick to that erroneous belief and start exercising one-sided faith in your relationship, your emotions will be at risk.

Truth is, all that’s required for a painful and sorrowful marriage is for just one party to begin to malfunction, not both parties. It’s why some of the approaches to settling marriages in difficulty are mistaken. They often assume there’s a “quarrel” in a marriage to be settled. What if there’s no quarrel and it’s just one malfunctioning, depressed and unhappy individual destroying the marriage? The other person will of course be helpless. There’s nothing he or she can do. You can’t control the other party.

In a marriage each party must subscribe to the decision to create happiness. And some people decide to opt out of the subscription leaving the other dazed and confused. It actually takes ONLY one party to make a marriage hell! That’s all that’s required. When you understand the import of what I just said you’ll know the danger of marrying someone who doesn’t love you. That YOU love someone doesn’t mean you’re going to have a good marriage. If the someone doesn’t love you back, the marriage will seem like an over-fried chicken. It’s chicken alright, somehow looks like chicken, somehow tastes like chicken but lacking in succulence. There are such marriages. They look like burnt offerings from a malicious cook. They’re dry, lacking in emotional nutrient. The sinews taste like charcoal. Marriage has to be a complete biological circuitry of love and affection. The blood passing through the veins and arteries of a marriage must be constantly oxygenated with affection. Without the pumping of love into the bloodstream of a marriage the marriage will die.

Now here’s the danger in your love pursuit. Your relationship seems a one-way traffic. You love her no doubt, but does she love you? If you’re THINKING about the answer to that question, you already have the answer. But of course I concede that one can choose to delude himself. It would seem that fooling oneself is a fundamental human right – the right to belief in fairy tales. But at least be honest with yourself that you’re fooling yourself. You’re stretching even your credulity with your believing “the-best-of-someone” line about your girlfriend. Believing the best of someone doesn’t deny facts. It’s why it’s called believing the best of someone. Your relationship is totally one-sided. If you proceed it to marriage you will suffer emotionally. I keep saying it, don’t marry someone who doesn’t love you. Marriage is too proximate for lack of love. You’ll feel it! What is marriage without love! Without love and affection marriage turns into a functional apparatus that bestows mere prefixes of Mr. and Mrs. A marriage of mere prefixes of Mr. & Mrs. is not a marriage of souls. And so you’ll live together, go to occasions, even go to church in the same car, but truly there’s no marriage. You’re just cohabitants – people who occupy the same geographical space in functional civility.

That doesn’t mean there’ll be no children in the marriage. People copulate and bear without loving each other. Mother is not the equivalence of wife, and father is not the equivalence of husband. They are separate functions, separate concepts. Offspring defines mother and father not husband and wife. You keep making excuses about this lady. Every bad behavior is explained away. And what can’t be explained away is absorbed by, “But I love her!” as if you’re some victim of yourself. You seem confused in your role. You’re functioning as messiah not a potential husband. And I keep telling you the title of Messiah is taken. Stop trying to be one.

Everything you’ve written in your letter about this woman points to a very painful and sorrowful marriage. She’s obdurate, obstreperous, vociferating and pachydermatous. You won’t get any emotional nutrient from her and you need emotional nutrient in marriage. It’s called caring, it’s called affection, it’s called love. You’ll be lost in this marriage if you go into it. You won’t understand what’s happening. And you’ll suffer greatly in silence. Depression will knock at your door. Marriage requires voluntary self-submission to one another. It must not be coerced. Love is generous. When there’s a selfish partner, someone always suffers emotionally. Too much forbearance of terrible traits and you have a picture of someone insisting on having his or her way in a marriage. And such people never know where or when to stop. It’s attitudinal: it’s what they’re used to. It’s become character. They’re used to getting away with what they want and can’t imagine otherwise.

This “relationship” doesn’t augur well. But of course it’s your choice. You have a right to pursuit of unhappiness. Why you’ll do that beats me hollow though. Don’t understand. This is not a relationship. This is you relating to her. A relationship is two-way. And something tells me you’re afraid of her. If so be, you’re going into marriage with an emotional thug. A word has always been enough for the wise. Those who require paragraphs are otherwise.

Curried from Jack and Jil Series of Leke Alder