Let’s just put it out there- there are a lot
of really important things to consider before you get married. I mean, a LOT.
From a person’s faith, to their past, to
their sexual expectations, to their conflict and communication, to their family
of origin- and so many things in between.
There is an array of things you need to
get to know about a person, making sure they fit into your life before you
invite them in to be a permanent fixture. As a Professional Counselor, I help
couples tread a lot of really important ground before they say “I do” through
things like my book as well as pre-marriage
sessions.
But let’s be honest- there are just some
“minor” topics that aren’t really discussed before marriage. If you’re anything
like John and I, you tackle all the majors before marriage, and then get to the
other side and realize there’s a whole new list to work through!
I put this topic on Social Media, to
ask other married couples what their experiences have been, and out churned
this list. So here are some things you should probably talk about at some point
in your marriage!
#1 SLEEP HABITS:
Let’s just start with this seemingly minor
issue that no one ever talks about: Sleep. Who is going to sleep on which
side of the bed? What time is bed-time going to be? Will we always go to sleep
together, or fall asleep at different times? And what should the temperature
be? On the cooler side or warmer side? I can’t say these are things we covered
in pre-marital counseling! But I’ve heard from a lot of couples who’ve had to
work through these kind of lifestyle issues post-marriage. Because as we all
know: Sleep is a really big deal, people!
#2 MONEY STUFF:
Spending habits, credit history, bills, etc.
This isn’t a minor issue at all, but yet, one that often gets overlooked before
marriage: What’s our budget going to look like? How much fun money do we get?
Should we save or invest? How often can we afford to eat out? I think we all
get that money issues are going to be a part of our relationship, but I don’t
think we really understand how important this ongoing conversation will
actually be.
#3 HOUSEHOLD DUTIES:
So….who does what? What if we both hate
cleaning bathrooms? What if his mom always did his laundry? What if neither of
us can cook? What if one of us is a neat freak? Who’s job is it to clean that
gross clump of hair out of the shower (Or…maybe I’m the only one who sheds like
a dog…?)What if he thinks that the majority of household chores are the
“woman’s” job? What if my family split all the chores evenly but her family
didn’t? What now? If you find yourself disagreeing about simple household
duties, it’s time to sit down and make time for these “dirty” conversations.
#4 SPIRITUAL TEMPERAMENT:
This one totally caught me off guard when we
got married. You see, I’m an external processor. I have to say things out loud
in order to work through them. I like to share what I’m feeling, thinking, and
experiencing- especially when it comes to my life with Jesus. My husband, on the
other hand, is wired more internally. His spiritual life and experiences with
God are reflected through his actions, rather than his words: his patience, his
gentleness, his kindness, his self-control….etc.
For the first two years of marriage, we had to
figure this one out. How would we balance his internal wiring with my external
wiring? How would we experience God together, but how much would we need to
experience Him alone? I think we’ve finally figured out what that looks like in
our marriage, but it’s something that has been crucial to the health of our
relationship!
#5 SOCIAL PREFERENCES:
A friend of mine told a funny story about how
she was on her way home with a crew of friends, when her husband called to let
her know: no thanks, not in the mood for people today; which made for an
awkward post-phone call conversation with her friends. Where you fall on the introversion to extroversion scale
is a really important thing to know and discuss in a marriage. When you become
“one”- how will you handle your need for socialization or alone time?
#6 DIFFERENT TASTES:
Taste in food, taste in movies and
entertainment, taste in clothing, taste in style, taste in fashion…all of these
little things are joined together in the wonderful world of marriage.
Thankfully, in so many ways you end up “rubbing off on each other” in marriage
(I’m officially a sushi-addict now, thanks to John!). But until then, do you
know your unique differences in tastes, and how will you work through these
differences when they come up in day to day life?
#7 EMOTIONAL TEMPERAMENT:
My husband says one of the things that
surprised him most when we got married, is how emotional I am (gee….thanks….)!
But seriously, I have to laugh, because it’s true. I don’t think I let the
floodgates fully open on that one until we got married. I am an emotional
person in every sense of the word. It even comes out in my writing, as I’ve
been known to use WAY to many exclamation marks!!!!! My ups and downs are
completely opposite to my husband’s almost constant mood. It’s something we’ve
had to figure out and discuss, so that we can learn how to appreciate,
understand, respect, and respond to each other’s differences.
#8 LIFESTYLE DIFFERENCES:
How much TV do you watch in a day? Or for
that matter- how much football? Do you sit at the dinner table to eat, or on
the couch? What’s your parenting style and how does that play out with your
spouse’s parenting style? How much time do you invest in career, ministry, or
family? Is vacation time for resting, or living it up? There are so many simple
lifestyle decisions that come into play when you connect your life with another
person. What are some topics that you might need to work through with your spouse?
#9 HOLIDAYS:
Oooooooh the holidays can be so joyful, and
nostalgic, and…STRESSFUL!!! It’s sad that that’s actually a true statement. But
for many couples, it is! Where do you spend the holidays, and with who’s
family? Do you go all out, or keep it simple? What family traditions do you
pass down to your children (mine, or yours!), and when do you decide to make
new traditions? How much time do you spend with extended family? How should you
handle each other’s extended family? These are all important factors that you
need to be deliberate about figuring out in the making of a healthy family.
#10 FREE TIME:
She: “So what should we do this weekend?” –
He: “Uh…I already made plans to hang out with the guys on Saturday” (Cue horror
film music in the background…..). But the thing is, these are real life
scenarios that come up in marriage. In fact, did you know that a majority of
the 1,000 married people I surveyed reported spending most of their free time
APART?
What you do with your free time becomes a
huge issue, because your time is no longer your own- it’s YOURS, together. How
much time do you spend together? Do you prioritize date night? And when can you
spend time with your friends? On your hobbies? For yourself? I know many
couples who say that free time turned into an opportunity for major strife
because these conversations don’t happen and the expectations aren’t discussed.
Do your marriage a favor and “free some time” for this one.
As you look through this list remember that
these are all a normal and healthy part of becoming one- whether you’ve been
married for a week, or 70 years. And the truth is, it’s not the absence
of these issues that makes a healthy marriage, it’s how you navigate these
issues. A healthy marriage is an ON GOING conversation through life. The
moment you stop talking, is the moment that you’ve started shifting backwards.
So keep talking, keep listening, keep loving.
By Debra
