Q:
Should sexual expectations for marriage be discussed in a
dating relationship?
A: You guys
know how often I talk about the importance of reserving sex for the context of
a committed marriage. But that’s not the question at hand, so I’m
going to save that rant for another day. This question is about the important
discussions that need to happen before a wedding day. And I’m GLAD someone is
thinking about this stuff!!!
We know that
sex and sexual expectations are important ingredients to a healthy marriage..so
when do these conversations need to happen?
Here’s the
thing: there are no patterns or formulas that can apply to every person in
every relationship, for the sake of simplicity, I like to conceptualize the
first year of dating as the “get to know you” stage in the seasons of a dating
relationship.
After you’ve
moved through the four
seasons of dating, and you’re
ready to pursue engagement and start the conversation about marriage, then it’s
time for the next level of conversations: the pre-marriage stuff. Welcome to
Marriage-Prep 101.
In my mind as
a therapist, I don’t walk couples through the “harder topics” (such as sexual
expectations) until they’ve committed to one another through engagement,
because even though there are people out there who think engagement is the
“wedding planning” stage -what it really is, is the preparation stage of a
dating relationship.
PREPARING FOR
MARRIAGE.
This is a
CRUCIAL part of getting ready for marriage, and one that too many couples
overlook in the frenzy of planning a wedding.
I still can’t
for the life of me understand how there are some people out there more
concerned about choosing the right flavor of wedding cake than they are about
learning the right way to communicate in a marriage.
Expectations
about things relating to sex, family, finances are some of the biggest
struggles in marriage if they aren’t properly addressed. Because let me just
say this….according to my survey results, there is a
HUGE difference between what single people expect in marriage, and what
actually goes down in a marriage relationship.
There’s SO
MUCH WORK TO BE DONE TO PREPARE FOR A LIFELONG COMMITMENT, and getting your
expectations right….but if you do it NOW, you can enjoy the process of marriage
LATER.
To sum it up,
here’s a brief outline:
Friendship:
Getting to know different people of the opposite sex.
Dating:
Focusing on ONE person you’d like to get to know exclusively and moving through
the four seasons of dating (learning about their personality, communication/conflict, spirituality,
family, hobbies, strengths and weaknesses, lifestyle, history, etc).
Engagement:
Preparation for marriage and starting to have the next level of hard
conversations that need to happen regarding two people becoming one (sexual
expectations, finances, gender roles and responsibilities, family planning,
etc.). PS. Counseling is a huge part of pre-marriage prep.
Marriage:
You’ve now got a really good idea of who this person is and what they believe,
see that they’re a good match for your life, and decide to commit for life.
Healthy relationships
unfold one stage at a time, but each stage is significant, meaningful, and
purposeful. So don’t rush it, and then, enjoy the ride.
by Debra Fileta
