Porn addictions do not discriminate.
For
the last few weeks, I have been writing about how we need to change the way we
talk about sex in church; sex is not just for men, but for women as well.
However, the same applies to porn. It is not just men who are getting addicted to porn, but women as well. Nevertheless, we say porn
is “Every Man’s Battle” and don’t acknowledge the battle that many women are
fighting on their own in secret.
Today
Beth Nyhart, author of Rend Your Heart & Not Your Garments is going to talk
about her past struggles as a female porn addict.
Here’s
Beth:
If you met me at 16, you would have seen a
tall red-headed girl who had been homeschooled her whole life.
As we
talked you might have learned that I loved music and drama, that I wanted to be
a missionary when I grew up, and that church was a second home to me.
I
doubt you would have been able to guess that I was addicted to pornography.
In
the early 2000s my youth group was all about purity culture. Teen girls wore
silver rings and wrote letters for their future husbands to open on wedding
nights. We learned to kiss dating goodbye, and that saving yourself for
marriage was a pivotal part of being a Christian.
I’m
not saying that any of that was bad. But it didn’t help me.
When
the topic of pornography came up it was addressed to the boys, because everyone
knew that men are sexually stimulated visually. The girls were taught about
modesty and finding our emotional fulfillment in Jesus. I sat through these
teachings nodding and taking it in but all the while feeling like something
must be wrong with me. It seemed like I was a deviant foul-hearted freak of
nature sitting in a group of innocents. If nobody taught girls about porn that
meant girls weren’t supposed to be dealing with porn. I was obviously the only
one.
That’s a lie.
I can
catch them more easily now that I’ve had a decade of practice. Satan has
whispered that lie in the ear of so many young women who look around wondering
if anyone can help them, then lower their eyes in shame. The accuser taunts,
“No one can help you, if they even knew about you they’d be disgusted. They
think you are a good example to the other girls, but if they knew what you were
doing last night you’d never show your face here again.”
My
double life started at the age of 8 when I was first introduced to pornography
and it continued until I was 18 and finally found a way to confess my sin and
get help. One of the characteristics of pornography is that as you indulge in
it, the compulsions escalate. Your body develops a threshold to what you are
feeding it and you find yourself needing a harder hit. In porn terms that means
it needs to be more degrading; more taboo. And you’d better believe that Satan
is on board with inventing new lows as our addiction-ridden brains need
stimuli. This is one of the reasons that PornHub’s 2018 year in review stats
show that the most searched for types of porn are homosexual, underage,
incestuous, violence, animated, and porn with multiple participants. If you are
wondering why animated is on that list, it’s because the human body has
limitations, but animation opens up a world of disgusting possibilities.
Another
one of Satan’s lies is that getting married will solve the problems you have
with lust. But as you cultivate a desire for pornography and train your body to
become aroused by the variety of porn out there, what you are doing is creating
desires in yourself that a monogamous marriage relationship will never be able
to fulfill. Just being allowed to have sex isn’t enough when you’ve rewired
your brain and body to respond to pornography.
I was caught in what I call a sin/confess
cycle.
I would
indulge in pornography and then feel such shame that I’d cry out to God in
desperation. I prayed that He would change me, take this temptation away, or
fix whatever was broken inside of my body. Over and over again He would give me
the same answer: CONFESS.
Confess.
Not just to God, but to another person. Admit out loud what I had been doing
and that I needed help. That was unthinkable. I could never in a million years
confess this sin.
But
God has a way of driving us down to the end of ourselves and forcing us to face
what He asks of us. After years of emotional and spiritual turmoil I knew that
this was never going to go away on its own. I started praying that God would
give me the strength to obey Him in the act of confession, and He was faithful
to provide for me.
My temptations didn’t go away overnight.
I had
10 years of habits to unlearn, I had a relationship with the Holy Spirit that
was old and new at the same time. I had to re-internalize the basics of
Christianity that hadn’t been able to impact my heart before in quite the same
way. But I surrounded myself with people who knew my struggle and were willing
to walk through it with me, and I thank God for them every day.
Sin
is the same across the board, though the earthly consequences may vary (There
are amazing Christian therapy and recovery programs for people who are dealing
with addictions). The woman struggling to contain the bitterness in her heart
and the woman struggling to control her sexual urges are both separated from
God by their sin. And both of them need to deal with it!
The basics of how to deal with sin are:
Come
to God with a broken and contrite heart over your sin (Psalm 51:17)
Ask
Him to provide everything you need to live a godly life, which when dealing
with sin is the right opportunity, person, and strength to confess and repent
(2 Peter 1:3)
Obey
God in the act of confession (James 5:16)
Accept
the forgiveness that He offers you through the blood of Jesus Christ (Ephesians
1:7)
Surround
yourself with other believers who will walk with you, hold you accountable, and
encourage you (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12)
Daily
allow the Spirit to transform you by renewing your mind (Romans 12:1-2)
The thing about sin is that we are all
universally unable to handle it in our own willpower.
We
need God to do all of the work for us, and only by surrendering to His work in
our hearts are we conformed into the likeness of Christ.
As I
speak and write about sin, my heart’s desire is to invite people to come out of
the darkness and into the light. God has so much for us, so much peace and
purpose that He generously lavishes on us. But so many people spend their lives
ensnared in sin and unwilling to let go of it. Satan might be telling you that
your sin isn’t that big of a deal, or he might be telling you that your sin is
the worst ever and nobody can find out. But either way, he is wrong.
Your
sin is common. Unextraordinary. The typical fallen human experience. I’m not
afraid or impressed by the depth or the breadth of it. Your sin is rotting your
heart, keeping you from true fellowship with God, and hurting your church body
every day you don’t deal with it. And your sin is completely 100%
deal-with-able.
Don’t
wait another moment to come to God with your hands high in surrender. Turn
yourself in and trust your soul to the One who is in the business of redeeming
weakness for His glory.
