Reasons women don’t really care how attractive a man is..

Guys looking to meet women often ask the question, “Do looks matter?” Well, to put it nicely, no. They don’t matter much, if at all, for women.

How many times have you seen a very attractive woman — I mean, like, super attractive — walking down the street, hand-in-hand with a short, overweight and balding man? I’ll give you a hint: more times than you can count!

Not to say looks won’t help a bit — they will, but only for a brief moment. Looks can give you a slight boost in getting a woman’s “attention,” and that’s about it.

After you start talking to a woman, she won’t care one iota about how chiseled your face is or how big your biceps are. But, I thought all women like nice, chiseled faces and big, muscular arms? Well, fortunately for us men, they don’t! Here are three reasons why:

1. WOMEN ARE BIOLOGICALLY MORE ATTRACTED TO SOCIAL STATUS 

I’m not talking about social status as in fancy cars or gigantic Hollywood mansions.

What I mean by social status is social intelligence. Women are innately attracted to men who are socially skilled.

Guys who can make women laugh, act confidently around them and communicate effectively with them are the men who have high social status.

Men who possess these traits turn on the attraction switches within the minds of women. These switches have been wired since the beginning of time.

I’m talking about when our ancestors were banging rocks and rubbing sticks together, lived in tribes and relied on each other to survive. The men who were most socially adept were considered the alpha males of these groups and were often given the best of everything the tribe had to offer.

They were given the best food, water, shelter and other resources and, therefore, had the best health — something that was incredibly important to a woman looking for a mate.

You see, it wasn’t the most physically dominant or best-looking men who led these groups, but rather, the most socially savvy. We evolved into the most intelligent animals on the planet because of our spoken word and communication.

We conversed, exchanged ideas and prospered as a species because of our incredibly high-regard for interpersonal communication.

Without this, we would not have come so far. (We’d probably still be rubbing sticks together, instead of turning up the heat in our comfortable homes.) With that said, women are naturally endeared to men who possess this quality.

The men who have the highest social status, or social game, are the most attractive of all!

2. MEN CAN MANIPULATE THEIR LEVEL OF ATTRACTIVENESS 

Knowing women are primarily attracted to characteristics like leadership, confidence,humor, social aptitude and other favorable traits is a great thing for guys.

This means we can change our level of attractiveness to women by working on and improving these skills. If attraction was based solely on looks, a lot of us would be screwed!

Thankfully, it’s not, however, and we have a way of increasing our level of it. By working on our personalities and working on the aforementioned quality traits, we can become more desirable in the eyes of more women.

3. LOOKS ARE NOT PERMANENT 

Despite what you may believe, your looks are not permanent. Your mind, heart and soul may be, but your looks are not!

They change every day. We age as each second passes, and our looks alter slightly with each fleeting moment.

Not only that, but we can and constantly do alter our appearance, whether through changing our hairstyle, clothing, physique or something else.

Women intuitively know this. They know that when they meet a guy, he is not going to look the same years down the road. He may lose his hair, gain a belly or just grow old, like all of us do.

They realize this because these same things will happen to them in some capacity. Therefore, women don’t put as much emphasis into the way a guy looks when she meets him.

Men who have the best personalities often attract the most women. They have the confidence, leadership, social skills and charisma to be that quintessential “alpha male” that women desire.

Don’t focus on trying to make yourself physically attractive; instead, focus on building your personality. Do this, and the rest will follow.

And, by the rest, I mean women! Women will desire your personality above all else, so work on crafting a good one.

13 Lessons I Have Learned From Work

I have learnt a few things from the (not so many) places that I have worked at and though I am still learning. 

This is what I have come up with so far.

1. How not to backstab and gossip your way to the top because it is so hard to always look over your shoulder. This is the first cardinal rule as it determines how others perceive you and how they will treat you. If they know that you talk a lot, they might not want you to stick around. 

2. How not to lie your way through situations and how to always take responsibility; because if you don’t someone will blame you first. If you make a mistake, admit it immediately so you don’t end up looking like a fool. You might still end up looking like a fool anyway, but at least you will seem like a slightly more responsible fool. 

 3. How to treat others as you would want to be treated- you never know who might be talking about you and it’s always nice to have a friend in your corner. That means if people ask about you, tell them what they need to know and nothing else. Try to be friendly but not too familiar. If they want to tell you about themselves, let them. But when they want to tell you about someone else that you may or may not know, walk away. Literally walk away. 

4. How we are all just grown children and the term ‘adult’ does not actually have a meaning. Therefore, don’t take anyone too seriously. If they act irrationally- humour them and let them have their way. You are not being a fool- you are being the bigger person and letting them act like the child that they are. 

5. How to always cover my tracks because someone is always watching. Don’t go on social media or anything that is not related to your work. Use your phone sparingly. And if you do any of these things, make sure you don’t get caught. 

6. You thought you had seen or read it all but there is always something that will surprise you. Be prepared for that. 

7. If it’s not your money, don’t spend it anyhow. Enough said. 

8. If family or friends visit, limit your conversation and make them wait for you. You want to seem as deeply committed to your work as possible. This goes along with talking to a colleague that sits across from you or is close to you. Don’t spend endless minutes talking with them. The work might be boring or there might be no work at all, but you are still getting paid for it and so try to look as if you are actually doing it. 

9. Don’t go for too many coffee or toilet breaks (not more than 3 during the day excluding lunch time). Lunch should be the designated time you have been given- do not go over and above that and try not to go below that- this is break time and a break you should have. 

10. The customer is always right- even when they are not. Customer service is most important and every company serves a customer of some sort. Don’t let the customer see all your nonsense or that of the company’s. If they act irrationally- refer to point 4 above. Don’t let them walk all over you but don’t give them attitude either. At the end of the day, your company and your pay depend on how you treat the customer. 

11. Try to have some initiative and come up with new ideas as to how to improve your work. This makes you look like a top asset and shows that you are committed to your work. Even if your ideas are rubbish, the very fact that you are thinking and using your noodle, makes you seem like more of an asset. 

12. Always be punctual. Tardiness is unprofessional and makes you look like uncommitted. Whether its 2 minutes or 5 minutes. If you are going to be late- don’t. But if you have no choice, make sure that you have the number of someone higher up that you can tell that you are running late. 

13. Especially if it is your first job, there will be times when you have no idea what you are doing and you will make a lot of mistakes. There will also be times when you will wonder- are they regretting hiring me for the job? Do I know what I’m doing? Do I really want this? Help! All these thoughts will be running through your mind as you try to learn the ropes. Don’t worry – no one was born knowing what to do and if they say they did they are lying to you and themselves. A friend told me about a saying that she heard- fake it until know it. That means pretend that you know what you are doing until you do. And if you don’t and never will know what you are doing, I suggest you look for something else to do.

22 Ways To Wake Up And Feel Super Positive For The Day

Do you ever wake up and you remember all the stuff you have to do, and you just want to hide under the covers and not come out? That feeling is all too known for many of us but thankfully you don’t have to ever feel this way.

Did you know that our thoughts create our emotions? Since we have total control over our thoughts (I know it might not feel like it sometimes), you also have the power to start your day on a super positive note each and every day. Here are some ways to help you get in the right mindset and enjoy every day as it comes.

1. Try to remember your dreams

Whether you want to analyze them later or just use them as an entertaining and fun video that plays in your head, dreams are a great way to feel more positive for the day. I recommend making sure you get enough sleep but also keeping a dream journal next to your bed so that you can write the dream down as soon as you wake up. Over time, remembering them will become easier and you will be able to make more sense of them as they relate to your own life.

2. Consider what makes you happy

Thoughts create emotions. Happy thoughts create happy emotions. It’s super simple but it’s so true – think about the things you love to do that make you happy. Just visualizing doing something that makes you happy is bound to make you actually feel happier in return.

3. Give gratitude

Gratitude is one of the most important practices I always recommend my clients. It’s easy to get caught in the cycle of negative thinking and eventually forgetting how good you actually have it. When you spend some time in the morning to list out 5 things you are grateful for, it shifts your whole mindset and your day becomes so much brighter.

4. Relax your body

Without physical relaxation, we breed stress and anxiety in our body. Make sure your daily routine includes self-care that allows you to relax your body. Whether it’s a massage, yoga, or a nice bath – relaxing your body is important ingredient to feeling positive every day.

5. Focus on breathing

Throughout the day, the more stress and to-do’s get put on our plates, the more anxiety heighten. We may not even realize that our breathing changes and becomes more shallow as we get stressed out. A really quick and simple tip is take a moment and notice your breathing. Is it shallow? Take some deeper breaths and let them out very slowly. Do this a couple of times and enjoy an increased feel of relaxation within minutes.

6. Don’t attach to your thoughts

Each day we create stories around the circumstances and events that surround us. Researchers say that we have about 60,000 thoughts per day! How exhausting is that? The less you attach to your thoughts and let them pass through without believing them and letting them affect you, the more likely you are to feel at peace and relaxed throughout the day.

7. Stay off social media

If you’re one of the people that checks their social media or email as soon as you wake up – stop that now! I didn’t realize how much it affects you until you stop doing it for a while. Each morning spent away from social media is so much more relaxed, peaceful, and joyful. We aren’t screamed at by a constant influx of information and messages and our mind has the capacity to just be.

8. Prepare a delicious breakfast

Instead of wasting your morning checking your Facebook feed, get yourself to the kitchen and prepare a beautiful delicious (and nutritious) breakfast! Protein pancakes anyone? Sunny side eggs? Perfection. Now, isn’t that somuch better?

9. Establish a meditation practice

Making meditation a non-negotiable in your routine can be a real life-changer! Not only will you feel more peaceful and centered, you will feel more in tune with your body and your surroundings. Don’t worry if you aren’t a seasoned meditator yet. Meditation isn’t just sitting cross-legged humming “Ommmm” – you can do so much more, including dance meditation, mindfulness techniques, hypnosis, and more.

10. Try self-hypnosis recordings

Speaking of hypnosis, this is one of the easier and best ways to get yourself into meditation. There are tons of recordings available for purchase online (99 cents per track on Amazon!) and each one is created specifically to help with a certain problem. Want to feel more positive? There’s a lot of those to choose from.

11. Don’t check your phone until much later

Just as you shouldn’t check your social media right when you wake up, try to refrain from checking your phone until a little bit later too. You’ll really notice how much technology can have a negative effect on our mind and energy levels. Don’t get sucked in too early!

12. Go for a morning run

Ahhh… endorphins! What better way to start the day than with these feel-good hormones? Go for a nice run in the morning, before the weather gets too hot, and you’ll be glad you did.

13. Do an energizing yoga sequence

Another way to get some endorphins flowing in the morning is an energizing yoga sequence. Hop out of bed, roll out your mat and get bendy!

14. Play with your pets

I had a friend who always played with her dog in the morning. They would get breakfast, stretch out and play before heading off to work. It helped her connect with her pet, feel happier, and start the day off on a joyful note. I mean, it’s nearly impossible to be angry or sad after playing with your beloved pet.

15. Read an inspiring book or article

A nice part of your morning routine could be reading blogs you subscribe to. Reading something inspiring and motivating in the morning is bound to get you revved up and ready to tackle the day.

16. Listen to a great inspiring podcast

Similarly as with an inspiring book – listen to a great podcast to get your mind buzzing with motivation to get yourself to the next step in your day.

17. Set your alarm to an uplifting tune

Consider changing your ring tone for the alarm. Don’t use the crazy buzzing noise. Instead, put something nice and melodic that begins soft and gets increasingly louder as time goes. It won’t jerk you awake and you are more likely to enjoy waking up to a lovely sound than you are to something intense, like a regular alarm noise.

18. Create a routine that includes morning self-care

Whatever that might be for you – meditation, yoga, reading, a walk… whatever it is, make sure you make it a part of your routine and something that is non-negotiable. After all having a great day is non-negotiable! The more you do this, the easier it will become.

19. Look at something beautiful

A great way to shift your mood and become more peaceful and uplifted automatically is to look at something beautiful. Maybe it’s a flower, maybe it’s your husband or wife, maybe it’s a painting that’s hanging in your room… whatever it is, take a minute or two just to appreciate its beauty. You’ll be amazed how quickly this tactic works to bring your mood way up!

20. Wake up to clean room

The messier your room is, the messier your mind will feel. I always tell my clients that in order to get your mind organized, you have to get your space organized first. Clean up your room and you’ll notice how much the energy in the room becomes more peaceful and welcoming.

21. Ask yourself “How can I make this day amazing?”

It’s a simple question but it’s so powerful. By simply asking yourself “How can I make today amazing?” you make yourself realize that you are in control of how your day goes and how you feel about it. Then, do the things to make it amazing!

22. Smile regardless of how you might feel at first

Even if you feel like you want to stay in bed for the entire day and mope around, don’t. Smile to yourself. Better yet, look at yourself in the mirror and smile at yourself. My dad does this every single morning for a minute or two and he swears it changes his whole mood and outlook for the entire day. It’s worth a try!

Four Keys to Help You Forgive

Anger. Fear. Hostility. Bitterness. Rage. Resentment. Have you ever felt any of these emotions toward someone; maybe even someone you love? These angry feelings are called “hot” emotions, and they fuel an unforgiving spirit.

When we’re hurt, our angry our feelings don’t go away overnight. In fact, we can spend days, weeks, months, even years turning them over and over in our minds, feeling just as angry as the moment the offense that caused them occurred.

Who the heck wants to live like this? It only causes stress, high blood pressure and a whole host of other problems. If you’ve ever been boiling mad at someone and still feel the fire at the mention of his or her name, you may want to consider the “F” word—forgiveness.

Sounds great, but how do we go about forgiving someone who has mortally wounded us? Well, for starters we don’t bury it, we don’t ignore it, thinking in time that it will go away, and we certainly shouldn’t minimize our pain or pretend it didn’t hurt us.

Before we look at how to forgive, let’s talk about what forgiveness is and isn’t. Forgiveness is a means of release for the person holding the debt; that would be you. Forgiveness is for your benefit, but it isn’t saying that what the other person did was ok.

What can we do to stop the madness of ruminating angry thoughts and walk the healing path? Here are some tips to help move you along on the forgiveness journey:

Make a list

The first step in forgiveness is to take an account of the offense. Take a piece of paper and make three columns. Write the offenders name at the top of the page. In the first column, write down the event that happened that made you angry. In the second, write down how you felt about it and what you came to believe about yourself as a result of the other person’s offense. In the last column, write down what you had hoped for or expected from that person. This will translate into your loss. Here’s an example: Event: your husband was unfaithful. Feelings: anger, hurt, rejection. Beliefs: I’m not good enough. I’m unlovable. Loss: betrayal, identity, self-esteem, hope. Then decide if you can allow God to meet the needs you lost through this transgression. Can you trust him as your security, adequacy and value? Pray a prayer of forgiveness releasing the person from the debt owed you.

Stop ruminating

Pay attention to what you’re telling yourself. Rumination creates more anxiety and depression and there is no life there. Turning things over and over in your mind only keeps you stuck. Choose to intentionally focus on the Scriptural truths about forgiveness.

Take a risk

Just because you don’t feel like forgiving doesn’t mean you can’t do it. The truth is you will never feel like it. The question is what is the best response you can make to address the hurts and losses you will incur in life? The answer is to give the altruistic gift of forgiveness. Risking forgiving someone who has hurt you can remove a huge weight off your shoulders and probably add a few years to your life too.Medical studies have found that people who have forgiven others for a major transgression have lower blood pressure and heart rates when compared to those who have not.

Restoration is different than reconciliation

Reconciliation takes two people, you and the person who offended you. When the offender comes to you, the offended, you have to decide if you will grant forgiveness. That doesn’t necessarily mean you want to be restored in relationship with this person. Restoration means you and the other person mutually decide what the nature of the relationship will be as you move forward. Boundaries may need to be drawn or the relationship may need to be terminated.

Angry feelings won’t go away overnight. Forgiveness starts with a decision of the will but is born out in the emotions. Once you’ve decided to forgive the offender, focus on the virtues of love, empathy and compassion as a means to develop emotional forgiveness. Allow yourself time and space, but remember forgiveness is for your benefit. Start today and give the altruistic gift of forgiveness.
Back at you: Have you ever forgiven someone? If so, what were the long-term benefits? If not, what’s hindering you?

Hating someone is injurious to one’s own health since it causes anger within, and this annoyance can take a toll on one’s health if it builds too high. How to Forgive Someone You Really Hate

10 Things You Learn When You’re In A Good Relationship.

I’d had serious relationships before meeting my fiancee, with a couple lasting for years. I thought I was an adult; I thought I knew how to be a great boyfriend. Meeting someone I had a serious connection with taught me that nothing I had experienced before was real. True love feels different than casual relationships – even if those relationships lasted for years (often well past their expiration date!). When you’re in a good relationship, you learn things. You act differently; you think as part of a team, not as an individual making your way through the world. You’ll be more understanding and accepting of your partner, instead of just getting frustrated with them like you may have with past relationships.

1. Misunderstandings are inevitable.

Misunderstandings are going to happen. If you take your partner’s words one way, then learn they meant something totally different, don’t punish them. Let it go. Bringing it up all the time is only going to bruise the relationship and cause communication problems later. Sometimes what you say or do will be taken the wrong way, and you’ll get frustrated that your partner doesn’t understand. Take a step back and realize it’s not a big deal. Misunderstandings are made to be swept under the rug because they’re so minor. They only become problems if you let them grow bigger and mean more in the scope of your relationship. Be laid back and forgive misunderstandings.

2. Learn to trust them.

You have to trust your partner. Why would you share your life with someone when you think they’re doing something wrong every time you turn your back? If you don’t trust your partner to be faithful, honest, caring, or anything else, then you’re not in a good relationship. The best relationships begin with a deep trust, and even if problems come up (and they will!), the trust is strong enough to keep you together.

3. Let yourselves miss each other.

You’re in love, so you want to be together all the time! It’s so fun to cuddle all night and be together all day, but when will you have time to experience different things? When you go to separate workplaces or schools, you experience things that will give you something to talk about later. When you go out with your friends and your partner spends time with theirs, you have time and space to yourself and come back to each other refreshed. You have a chance to miss each other, and it helps you really understand the value of your relationship. Missing someone is great because getting to see them after that period will make you so happy and so sure of your relationship.

4. Encourage growth and change.

In a good relationship, both partners are encouraged to grow and change. You have one life to live – you should explore it to the fullest! If you want to quit your job and go back to school, your partner should support you. If you want to try something new or go back to something old, you should find support in your relationship. And you should give this support in return. Encourage your partner to explore hobbies and interests and meet new people. If you want your partner to stay the same, you’re going to have a very boring life together.

5. Compromising doesn’t mean you’re weak.

Compromising doesn’t mean “giving in.” It doesn’t mean that you’ve lost the fight. In fact, it’s the opposite. Do you know how hard it is to compromise sometimes? You want your way because it sounds right and makes sense to you. Your partner is way off base with their suggestions. Take a step back and look at the argument diplomatically. What’s the logical conclusion? If your partner is right, don’t be afraid to say so. Accept their way, or modify both of your solutions to be half and half. The important thing is not getting your way, it’s staying in your relationship and helping it grow. Compromising will definitely help your relationship grow.

6. Admit your weaknesses.

Your partner doesn’t expect you to be a superhero, and hopefully you don’t expect that of them! We’re all human; we all have flaws. It’s ok to let these show. In fact, to have a stable, serious relationship, you need to let your weaknesses be known. Your partner will be more sensitive to things that bother you, and can help build you up in areas where you need some help.

7. Sometimes you can only accept things, not fix them.

People have baggage. You have some. Your partner has some. Can you go back and erase all of this? Nope! You’re stuck with it, and have to learn to deal with it. Some things are easier to get over than others, but the reality is that sometimes, you can’t fix things. You can’t make problems go away. You have to accept them and get over them and move on, or else your relationship will crumble.

8. Forgive quickly and truly.

Whenever you have a fight, don’t worry about who wins or who loses. Learn from the fight – from what was said as much as from how it was resolved. Once you learn from a fight, you can apply that lesson to your relationship to avoid trouble later. That’s all well and good, but you’re not done! Forgive your partner! Forgive yourself. The fight is over, you’re past it, now let it go. Never hold anything against your partner because the resentment will build until you don’t want to be with them.

9. Never expect anything.

Don’t expect your partner to read your mind, or to bring you breakfast in bed, or to offer to wash the dishes. It’s not going to happen. You can’t expect anything from anyone – you have to make it known. Communicate. Make sure your partner knows what you expect from the relationship, as well as your opinions on a wide variety of issues. This will help them act considerate towards you, but still – don’t expect anything!

10. Show your feelings.

• The worst thing you can do in a relationship is play games. Don’t tease your partner; don’t “reward” good deeds with love and affection. You have to make sure your partner always feels loved. You can be happy with them or be mad at them – it doesn’t matter – they just need to feel loved. They need to know your feelings in the moment as well, don’t get me wrong. But make sure you’re showing your feelings in a way that they won’t be misunderstood .

For Ladies – Reasons You Should Dress Modestly

The plethora of low cut, high-hemmed outfits in stores has made purchasing revealing outfits easy and fashionable. Photo spreads in trendy magazines showcase models in barely-there ensembles. Stars on television show off their well-toned bodies. Friends and neighbors look cute and sassy in their revealing attire. Immodesty is quickly becoming the rule instead of the exception. Some women believe there is nothing wrong with putting their physical assets on display. They believe only unattractive women with low self-esteem are the ones who refuse to show their midriffs, cleavage, or toned legs. Because of this, many women dress immodestly because they do not want to be thought of as unattractive, out of touch or behind in the latest trends.

But such thinking is wrong. Modesty matters a great deal. And this is why

Attention

Women who dress modestly know they could get more attention if they showcased their physical assets. However, attention based solely on their revealing looks is not something they seek after. Modest women want to be thought of as more than objects or clothes-hangers. They would rather people give them attention based on their personalities, achievements or talents. However, this is not to imply that modest women believe they need to dress in a frumpy, unattractive manner. Modest women can still be found in cute, fashionable attire that lets them live without worrying about accidentally giving someone an eyeful.

Yes, there are some women who dress immodestly; not because they want attention but because they honestly like revealing fashions and enjoy wearing them. However, it could be suggested that these women do not adequately understand how their outward physical appearance affects others. If they did, it is likely they would change the way they portray themselves in order to garner the type of attention they deserve and want.

The impact of first impressions

While it can be disappointing, it’s true that most first impressions are based on a person’s looks. Even online, non face-to-face communications highlight users’ avatars or profile pictures. Partly because of this focus on appearances, modest women don’t want people assuming they have decided their chests/legs/waists/rears are what they are most proud of. They don’t want to be viewed as objects to be lusted after or a conglomeration of body parts. Modest women understand there is so much more to themselves and signal their depth by staying away from shallow dress.

Respect

The saying, “Respect is earned, not given,” is a well-touted phrase; one modest women understand. They know if they want the respect of others one of the first things they can do is dress modestly. Their modest attire not only encourages individuals to show them respect but indicates they respect themselves, as well. Modest women understand that what they wear influences not only their behavior but also that of others. Because they respect themselves, they wordlessly portray their worth by how they dress thereby indicating to others how they expect to be treated.

On the flip side, when women choose to treat their bodies disrespectfully by wearing revealing clothing it becomes easier for others to follow their poor example. These women may be proud of certain parts of their bodies, but when they flaunt their anatomy they are not asking for respect. Instead, whether they intend to or not, the message they broadcast is they are desperate for people to notice them.

While some women think the revealing, sexualized clothing they wear is fun and harmless, the opposite is true. By wearing such apparel, they are actually objectifying themselves; portraying to others that not only do they disrespect themselves, but they are OK with others showing them disrespect. When immodest women wear barely-there outfits, they will almost always gain the attention of disrespectful individuals who will react to their attire in an objectified way.

Even though many individuals treat modesty as a thing of the past, modest women understand it is very much part of the present. Modest women should not feel apologetic about being different. Instead, they should feel proud for the respect and attention they demand from others.

36 Lessons I’ve Learned About Habits By Leo Babauta

I’ve learned these lessons the hard way.

I struggled to quit smoking in the early 2000s, failing seven times before finally succeeding in late 2005. I struggled with exercise habits, with changing my horrible eating habits, with waking earlier and being more productive and getting out of debt and simplifying my life.

I failed a lot, and still do. It was through those failures that these hard-fought lessons emerged, and so I don’t resent any of the failures. I recommend this attitude.

I’ve taught habits to thousands of people, in addition to changing dozens of my own. Teaching what I’ve learned to others taught me even more.

And still I’m learning. That’s the fun part.

Changing habits is one of the most fundamental skills you can learn, because it allows you to reshape your life. To reshape who you are. That’s truly transformational.

I share these lessons not as Commandments from On High, but as things you might try, in your journey of change and learning. Try them one or two at a time, so you’re not overwhelmed. Come back to this list after you’ve done that.

I hope they help.

1. When you make a small change, your ‘normal’ adjusts. Imagine that you’re used to a whole set of conditions — if you deviate from those conditions very much, you will be uncomfortable. Going to live in a foreign country where you don’t speak the language, don’t know anyone, aren’t used to the food, don’t understand the customs, don’t have the same kind of home you’re used to … this can be very difficult. But if you make one tiny change, it’s not very uncomfortable. And after a month or two, you adapt to this tiny change, and it becomes part of the conditions that you’re used to. Your new normal. Changing your life in small steps like this, one small change at a time, is much easier and much more likely to succeed than making multiple huge changes all at once. Gradually change your normal.
2. Small changes are easier to start. A big change not only requires your mental commitment, but more time and effort. If you already have your time tied up in other things, you’ll find it difficult to find the time to start your new habit. You might do it once or twice (go to the gym for an hour) but that habit is dead before it starts unless you put in an extraordinary effort. A small change — just a few pushups in the morning, for example — is much easier to get started. You could start it right now, in the middle of reading this article. Making it easy to start a habit means you’re more likely to actually do it.
3. Small changes are easier to sustain. If you start a big change (go to the gym for 30 minutes every day!), you might actually be able to start it with all the enthusiasm you have in the beginning. But that enthusiasm wanes, depending on energy and sleep levels, what else is going on in your life, disruptions in routine, etc. And eventually you’ll probably fail. But if you make the habit very small when you start, you are much much more likely to sustain it for longer. It’s easier to keep a small thing going than a big one. And keeping it going is what matters.
4. Habits are tied to triggers. When the trigger happens, the habit follows, if it’s been ingrained strongly as a habit. For example, for some people, when they arrive at work, they immediately turn on their computer. And then maybe immediately do another habit after that. The habit-trigger bond is strengthened from lots of repetitions.
5. Habits with variable or multiple triggers are harder. If you want to meditate every morning after waking and drinking your customary glass of water (for example), it’s much easier to create a habit like this with one daily trigger … as opposed to a habit that requires either 1) variable triggers, like not reacting angrily when someone criticizes you (you don’t know when that trigger will happen), or 2) several different kinds of triggers, such as smoking which might be triggered by stress or other people smoking or drinking alcohol or coffee, etc.
6. Learn to do easier types of habits first. If you try to do hard types of habits (like ones with variable or multiple triggers, or ones that you dislike or find very difficult), and you’re not skilled at creating habits, you’re much less likely to succeed. I highly recommend doing easy habits first, ones that only require a couple minutes a day, are tied to a single daily trigger, and that you enjoy and find easy. What’s the point of trying to form an easy habit? Well, you might find it harder than you think, but also, you’re building your habit skills, and most importantly, you’re building trust in yourself.
7. Build trust in yourself. What I lacked before I got better at changing habits was trust that I would stick to a habit. Why? Because I’d failed so often before, allowing myself to break promises to myself because it was easier than sticking to the promises. It’s like if another person constantly lies to you — you don’t trust that person anymore. The same is true of your promises to yourself. And the solution is the same — to build trust slowly, with small promises and small victories. This takes time. But it’s arguably the most important thing you can do.
8. Incremental changes add up to huge changes. This might seem to make sense on the surface, but I don’t think most people feel its truth in their gut. We all want all the changes we want, right now. We can’t possibly make ourselves give up a few of those changes for awhile, to focus on one, because then we wouldn’t get what we want, right now. I’ve seen this so many times — people want to make 10 changes at once, and can’t choose just one to focus on. But doing lots of changes at once, or big changes, means you are less likely to succeed. But if you stick with small changes, you’ll see some powerful long-term change. Try making small changes to your diet and activity levels — after a year, you’ll be way fitter than before. Try learning something a little at a time — if you can make it a habit and stick with it, you’ll be way better at it in six months. This is what I’ve seen in my life, and it’s been dramatic in scope.
9. It doesn’t matter which change you focus on first. We’re not in it for the short game, we’re in it for the long game. It can be hard to figure out which change to make right now, because that means giving up lots of other important changes. And I’ve seen people agonize over which change to make first, because they think the order matters. Sure, maybe it would be optimal to learn to meditate first, before making eating changes, but you know what’s not optimal? Making no changes. Over the long term, if you pick one small change at a time, you’ll have all the important habits formed. So honestly, just pick the one you feel like doing the most — the one that you’ll enjoy most.
10. Energy and sleep levels matter a lot. I wrote about this recently, but if you are sleep-deprived, you’ll be tired and have little energy to focus on habit changes. That’s fine when your enthusiasm for your new habit is high, but the moment things get even a little difficult, you’ll skip the habit because you don’t have the willpower to push yourself through a little discomfort. Sleep matters.
11. Dealing with disruptions in routine is a learned skill. One of the most common causes of habit failure is disruption in routine — taking a trip, having a big work project that requires you to work late, having visitors, having a cold. These kinds of things change your normal routines, which do a couple things to the habit you’re forming: 1) the trigger might not happen (if you’re sick you might not get up and shower, for example, if showering is your trigger), and 2) you might get so busy/tired that you don’t have time/energy to do the habit. So how do you deal with this obstacle? Anticipate it. Know that it will happen (yes, everyone’s routine gets disrupted). Plan to either take a break while you’re traveling (for example), or have a new trigger while your old one is temporarily disrupted. This kind of anticipation and planning is a skill that you can learn, and this skill makes you better at creating new habits.
12. Think ahead to avoid foreseeable obstacles. Other than disruptions to your routine, there are other things you can anticipate. For example, if you’re changing your eating habit (say, no sugar) and you’re going to a restaurant with friends or a birthday party, what will you eat? What will your strategy be if there’s sugar (which there will be)? If you forget about it and wait until it happens, you’ll be unprepared and less likely to stick to your habit. How and where will you work out when you travel? Anticipate and prepare.
13. Watch your self-talk. We all talk to ourselves. It’s just not always obvious, because the self-talk happens in the back of our heads, unnoticed most of the time. That’s normal, but when the self-talk is negative, it can absolutely ruin a habit change. If your self-talk is a series of things like, “This is too hard, I can’t do this, why am I making myself suffer, it’s OK to cheat, it’s OK to quit, this is too hard, I hate this” … you need to either catch it, or you’ll likely fail. You have to become aware of what you’re saying to yourself, and recognize that it’s not true. Then tell yourself things that are positive. This is a key habit skill.
14. Get good at watching but not acting on urges. When you see the urge to smoke, or eat a whole bag of Doritos, or not meditate, or procrastinate, or not go on your morning run … you can pause and watch it but not act on that urge. The urge usually goes unnoticed, and you just act on it. But you can watch it, and not act. You can give yourself a choice. At the moment you’re watching, dig deep and remember your powerful motivations.
15. Have powerful motivations. It’s easy to say, “Sure, I’d love to learn to program!” It sounds nice. But something that sounds nice isn’t going to stick when things get a little hard. You need to have a very strong motivation — wanting to have better health so you won’t suffer as much, wanting to create a good life for your kids, wanting to help people in need. Looking good is not a good motivator, but feeling strong and empowered is. Write your motivation down. Remind yourself of it when things get hard.
16. Use accountability to engineer positive & negative feedback loops.Feedback loops help steer you to doing a habit long enough for it to be ingrained as a habit … or they help steer you away from a habit. Sugar and drugs have feedback loops that are good for forming habits (you get pleasure from doing the habit, suffer if you don’t), while exercise often has the wrong feedback loops (it’s hard to do the habit, enjoyable to watch TV and skip the habit). However, we can re-engineer the feedback loops, and accountability is one of the best ways of doing that. If you’re going to meet a friend at 6am to go on a run, you’d feel really bad if you missed the run, and feel good about going on the run with your friend and enjoying the conversation. Boom. New feedback loop. Same thing when you blog about your habit to an audience, or join an accountability team.
17. Challenges work really well. Short-term challenges of 2-6 weeks can be really motivating. Maybe it’s a challenge between two people (you and a friend), or a group challenge. It’s a form of accountability that’s fun and, again, revises the feedback loop in a good way. Examples of challenges: no sugar for a month, work out every day for 21 days, stick to a diet for 6 weeks, etc.
18. Exceptions lead to more exceptions. It’s really easy to justify not doing your new habit (or doing an old habit you’re trying to quit) by saying, “Just one time won’t hurt.” Except that it will, because now you think it’s OK to make exceptions. And now you don’t really trust yourself to stick to your promise to yourself. It’s much more effective to not make exceptions — catch yourself if you’re thinking about it and trying to justify it, and remember your motivations. When I quit smoking, I told myself Not One Puff Ever (NOPE).
19. The habit is the reward — it’s not a chore. Adding external rewards can be a useful way to have good feedback for doing the habit, but the best possible reward is internal. The reward is doing the habit. Then you get the reward immediately, not later. For example, if you think exercise sucks, you’re getting bad feedback as you do the habit — you won’t stick to it for long. But if you can find ways to enjoy the exercise (do it with a friend, see the enjoyable aspects of exercise, play a sport that you love, go on a hike with awesome views, etc.) then you’re getting positive feedback as you do the habit. Change your thinking — the habit is lovely, a reward in and of itself, a way to care for yourself. Do not think of it as a chore you need to get done, or you’ll avoid it.
20. Lots of habits at once means you’ll probably fail. Go ahead and try an experiment: do 5 new habits at once. See how many you’re successful with. Then try one habit only, and see how long you stick to that. In my experiments, one habit is much more successful than two at a time, and exponentially more successful than 5-10 habits at once.
21. Recognize when you’re getting distracted. In the beginning, we can get very focused on a new habit, and have lots of energy to put into it. But other things can come up and we might find a new shiny toy to get excited about … and soon the old habit change is falling to the wayside. This has happened to me many times. Now, I’m not saying a habit needs to take up all your mindspace and free time. That’s not healthy either. But you should be able to focus on it for a small amount of time each day, and still enjoy it and look forward to it. If that’s falling away, re-examine your motivation and priorities, and either drop the habit or re-focus.
22. A blog is an amazing tool. As I said, accountability makes a huge difference in your habit’s feedback loops. Blogging is a great way to get accountability. And as you’re sharing what you’ve been doing and what you’re learning, you are forced to reflect on your habit, which makes what you learn about the habit and yourself a much deeper experience.
23. Failure is a learning tool. You will fail in your habit attempts — that’s a given. But instead of seeing it as a failure of you as a person (it’s not), see it as a way to learn about yourself and habit change. Each person is different — what works for me won’t necessarily work for you. And you won’t know until you try it and fail. When you fail, you learn something new, and that helps you get better.
24. How you deal with failure is key. When many people fail, they feel bad about themselves and give up. This is why they have such a hard time changing habits. If instead they got back up and tried again, perhaps with an adjustment to their method (some new accountability, for example), they’d obviously have a much higher chance of success. The people who succeed at habits aren’t people who never fail — they’re people who keep going after they fail.
25. Adjust or die. On a related note, habit change is about learning to adjust. New job? That will change things, so you’ll need to adjust your habit. Missed a few days? Figure out what’s going wrong and adjust. Habit isn’t enjoyable? Find a new way to make it enjoyable. Self-talk sabotaging your habit change? Focus on becoming aware of your self-talk so you can solve that problem. Adjust, adjust, adjust.
26. Enlist support. Who will you turn to when things get hard? When you need encouragement? When you fail? Have a support buddy — I had one when I was quitting smoking, and I’ve used it other times as well. If you start out without support, and fail, that’s OK — adjust by finding someone to help you. That might be your spouse or best friend or parent or sibling or co-worker. Or maybe you find a support group online. It makes a big difference.
27. You limit yourself. Lots of times I suggest people give up something like cheese or sugar or beer, at least for a little while. They respond: “I could never give up my cheese!” (or meat, or sweets, etc.) Well, that’s true if you believe it. However, I’ve learned that we often think we can’t do something when really we can. I recently talked to someone who was absolutely sure she couldn’t give up baked goods. She limits herself with this belief. We all do to some extent — but if you can examine your beliefs and be willing to test them out, you’ll often find out they’re not true.
28. Set up your environment for success. If you’re going to give up sweets, get rid of all the sweets in your house. Ask your spouse to support you by not making or buying sweets for a little while. Tell friends you’re not eating sweets and ask them to support you. Yes, this can require others to make adjustments, but if you ask nicely for their help, often they’ll be glad to support you. But the point is, find ways to create an environment where you’re likely to succeed. Create accountability, reminders, support, a lack of temptations and distractions, etc.
29. Just lace up your shoes & get out the door. Reduce the barrier to starting the habit. If I need to go for a run, often I’ll think about how hard it is, how long it will take, how cold it will be, etc., and I’ll psyche myself out and not do it. But when my rule is, “Just lace up my shoes and get out the door”, that’s so easy it’s hard to say no. That’s my bar. As easy as possible. Once I’m out the door, I’m invariably glad I started and things go well. For meditating, just get your butt on the cushion. For writing, just open up your writing program and write a sentence.
30. Define your breaks. If you’re going to be traveling and know that you can’t stick to your habit, for example, set the dates of your habit break in advance, rather than letting it slide and then thinking that you’ve failed. And have the date when you’re going to get back on track, and set a reminder so you don’t forget. This will keep a planned event from completely derailing your habit change.
31. Habits are situational. A habit is tied to a trigger, but really, the trigger is an environment. So if your trigger is your morning shower, that’s great, but it’s not the shower itself. The trigger is taking the shower in your home, getting out, seeing a something in your bathroom that somehow triggers the impulse to go and meditate (or whatever your habit is). So if you take a shower in a different bathroom in your house, or in a hotel, the trigger doesn’t happen. The same is true if you got a phone call as you got out of the shower, or your wife comes and gives you a hug, both disrupting the trigger. Anyway, there’s not much you can do with this info, as you can’t control all the things in your environment, but being aware of subtle environmental changes that affect your habit can help you to understand what’s going on.
32. Learn to cope in other ways. Often your bad habits are ways of coping with a real need — like needing to cope with stress or bad feelings about yourself or a fight with a loved one. The need to cope with these things won’t go away, and so bad habit becomes a crutch. You can find other ways of coping that are healthier, so you don’t need the crutch anymore.Read more.
33. Be kind to yourself. You will fail, and you can be hard on yourself and feel guilty and think that you’re crap. That won’t help at all. Being kind to yourself is a good habit skill, if you pair it with an adjustment that allows you to improve your habit method. To be kind to yourself: remind yourself of how hard it is to be happy, and that you’re struggling to find happiness despite things that cause you stress and frustration and anger and irritation and disappointment. This is hard. Have empathy with yourself. Be understanding and compassionate. It will help you as you adjust and try again.
34. Perfect is the enemy. Often people strive for perfection, but this stands in the way of progress. Progress is much more important than perfection. If you find yourself not starting a habit because you want the perfect circumstances, or not meditating because you want the perfect time or space, or not writing because you want the perfect tool, or not being happy because you haven’t been perfect with your habit — drop your expectations and just do the habit.
35. A workout partner works wonders. For exercise, the most effect method for me is to have a workout partner. That’s true whether I’m going to the gym, taking a Crossfit or yoga class, going for a run or hike. When I don’t have a workout partner, my frequency can often drop. This concept can be applied to any habit that you’re struggling with.
36. Habit changes are tools for self-learning. Habit changes aren’t just ways to add a new thing to your life. They’re tools for learning about yourself. Through habit change, you learn about what motivates you, about self-talk and rationalization, about urges, about internal vs. external rewards, about weaknesses and kindness, about progress and empowerment. You can learn more about yourself through a few months of habit change than you have in the last decade, if you pay attention. And in that way, habit change is an extremely rewarding process, regardless of the outcome.