Tips For Dating During Covid-19

This is a strange time in history to be dating during Covid-19. 

Not only is it nearly impossible to meet other singles because of the “stay home” order, but when you do run into them at the essential places like the grocery store, all you can see are a pretty set of eyes staring back at you thanks to the masks we’re all encouraged to wear.

Talk about blind dating taken to a whole new level. 

If you’re single and desiring a relationship, I know this can be a discouraging time for you. You feel like time is ticking and every day of quarantine seems like another stolen opportunity for you to meet and interact with someone that could be a potential partner. 

If you’ve followed my relationship advice blog, you know that I am all about taking time to get to know someone during the stage of dating and letting each season of the relationship unfold naturally. But what happens when those seasons sort of blend together, or when you can’t even recognize them at all because your human contact has diminished by 99.999%?

DATING DURING COVID-19

For those of you in the world of dating right now, I want to offer you a few bits of encouragement for dating during Covid-19: 

USE THIS TIME TO WORK ON YOURSELF.

The main message at HeartPrints Planet is that healthy people make healthy relationships. One of the BEST ways to set yourself up for dating success is by taking inventory of your personal health during this time. Human beings are magnetic, and we tend to attract and be drawn to people who are similar to us emotionally and spiritually. If you want to increase your odds of finding a good match, the best thing you can do for yourself right now is to work on you. There’s no better time to do it. Take inventory of your emotional and spiritual health, and be active in taking steps to get to the next level.

Another important piece to this puzzle is to really get to know yourself because finding a good match is like putting a puzzle together. You have to know yourself in order to know what kind of person fits – or doesn’t fit – into your life. So use this time to get healthy from the inside out, and then keep your radar on for someone who has done the same. 

TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ONLINE PLATFORMS:

In a recent survey I conducted, one of the top 3 ways currently married people found their partner was thanks to the world of online dating websites and apps. All this to say, people are using online platforms more than ever before, and with the stay at home orders, the online dating world has seen an increase in numbers of people. 

FOCUS ON BUILDING FRIENDSHIPS.

Too many times, people rush into relationships and skip that important step. This is a great time to take inventory of your circle of friends or acquaintances, and ask yourself if there’s anyone of the opposite sex who might be worth getting to know a little bit better, building a friendship in a deliberate way.

Thanks to technology, we have the opportunity to continue building friendships, but it takes being intentional and deliberate! Sometimes we miss people who could be a great match because we’ve put them in the “friend” category, when really, friends are the ones who make the absolute best lifelong companions because a strong marriage is always founded in a strong friendship. 

KEEP YOUR BOUNDARIES INTACT.

It’s easy to let your boundaries slide when you start to feel desperate; to let people into your life, or engage in conversations you wouldn’t normally if you were feeling like yourself. Add to that technology being the primary mode of interaction right now, and you’ll notice that your guard isn’t as high as it normally is. 

With a lack of face to face interactions, there can also be a lack of emotional boundaries that begins sneaking into your interactions. But this is a crucial time to keep your boundaries intact because boundaries are what keep you healthy and keep your relationships strong. 

Protect your heart emotionally, by being cautious with your interactions with the opposite sex and making sure you’re not letting someone in too deep, too soon. Trust is something that has to be built over time, and as easy as it might be to rush an interaction right now, it’s of utter importance that you take your time. No one ever regretted giving themselves too much time to get to know someone, only the opposite. 

We might be in a unique time in history right now trying to do dating during Covid-19, but friends – it won’t last forever. For now, let’s make the most of this time by seeing it as a chance to get better both personally and in our relationships, rather than simply get by. 

Use this time to come up with a plan and ask the Lord to help you get to the next level emotionally and spiritually. Because the healthier you are, the healthier your relationships will be. Guaranteed.

WHY NICE GUYS (MIGHT) FINISH LAST

There’s an entire Youtube music video dedicated to the idea that, within a romantic context, nice guys finish last. I probably saw it for the first time early in my college years. The video depicts a bunch of corny guys trying to learn from an instructor how to be bad since “you only date bad guys.” In the end, the guys only end up alienating their loves with their obnoxious behavior and reject the instructor. They win the hearts of their women by treating them kindly. The video ends well for the “nice guys,” but, when I first saw it all those years ago, it left me with a twinge of discomfort. Why is it said at all that, within romance, nice guys finish last? Why is it said that women like the bad boy?

The video gave me discomfort because, well, I was a certified, Grade A, irrevocable nice guy – and I knew it! I loved Jesus, studied hard, cared about people, loved little kids, preferred reading over sports, and intended to pursue any potential girlfriend in an honorable, godly way. Yep. Nice guy. So if nice guys finished last and I was a nice guy, that didn’t bode well for me did it? It almost seemed as though getting a girl and having good character were at odds. I would wonder at the, shall I say, worthless guys on campus that had girlfriends while I was incurably single. Don’t women want a man with character? How the bad boy could get the girl while the nice guy was left to pine was something that quietly perplexed me for several years.

Pay attention, men, because I’ve solved the riddle! Do you remember a particular scene in X-Men when Jean Grey is talking with Wolverine about their relationship? She says something intriguing. She says, “Girls flirt with the dangerous guy, Logan. They don’t take him home. They marry the good guy.” Her comment holds a clue to understanding the dynamics of attraction surrounding bad boys and nice guys. See how she expresses attraction toward both the bad boy and the nice guy? Both are considered attractive, but in different ways. The bad boy is fun temporarily, but the nice guy is desired for the long term. Why? Why is the bad boy fun only for a time? Why is the nice guy not fun in the beginning?

In certain schools of thought on romantic attraction you will hear about Alpha characteristics and Beta characteristics. As a man, you can possess both sets of characteristics, either set, or neither set (but hopefully that’s not the case!). Alpha characteristics are those personal characteristics that are quickly recognizable and immediately attractive. For men, confidence, humor, and dominance are often considered the main Alpha characteristics. Confidence causes a man to exude strength and stability. Humor makes him fun and enjoyable. Dominance sets him apart from the crowd as unique and commanding. Guess what? Women find these characteristics attractive. These are the characteristics the bad boy possesses. Consider Wolverine. He never doubted himself, never hesitated to confront someone, and had fun doing whatever he pleased. Naturally Jean Grey found him attractive…for a while. Beta characteristics are those personal characteristics that are not as quickly recognizable and are attractive when considering long term involvement. For men, core Beta characteristics are care, provision, and character. Care means you are genuinely concerned for your girl and make her needs a priority. Provision means you can provide for her needs (not just financially but emotionally, spiritually, etc.). Character gives you the maturity and personal growth to be a reliable and trustworthy partner. These characteristics make a man desirable when considering the long term. The bad boy might be fun at the beginning, but he’s not very desirable when you’re thinking about settling down or raising kids. That’s what Jean referred to when she said, “Girls flirt with the dangerous guy, Logan. They don’t take him home. They marry the good guy.”

Bad boys are fun for a while, but character is what a woman wants when the commitment chips are down. Nice guys aren’t as exciting, but they’re much better to live with for a lifetime. That’s why it may seem that nice guys finish last. Women want a man who has attractive Alpha characteristics. That’s why the bad boy often gets the girl. In the end, however, the bad boy may watch her walk away when he fails to be worthwhile. The nice guy could maintain a happy, healthy relationship…if he could only attract the girl to the relationship in the first place. Men who possess Alpha characteristics without Beta characteristics (the bad boy) may be fun and exciting, but they’re liable to be self-serving, unreliable men without much consideration for others. Men who possess Beta characteristics without Alpha characteristics (the nice guy) may be able to maintain a healthy relationship, but they are liable to be timid, uncertain, and lacking initiative.

So what does that mean for the nice guys out there today? What do you do when you feel like women look at you as though thinking, “He’s a great guy. He’ll make a great husband…for someone else.” First, understand that you don’t need to toss your Beta characteristics! Those are valuable! What you want to do is develop your Alpha characteristics alongside them. You don’t have to attempt a personality transplant. Just give attention to how you can practice traits such as confidence and initiative in a way that matches your unique personality. Bad boys, if you want to capture a woman’s heart for a lifetime rather than a limited time then be sure to develop your Beta characteristics. If you possess both sets of characteristics then you’re a keeper!

Want to know something? Jesus possessed both Alpha and Beta characteristics. He was confident, never shrinking from his mission. He was dominant, never backing down from his critics or the challenge of his message. But he was also caring, genuinely concerned for the wellbeing of all. He was a provider, attending to the material, instructive, and spiritual needs of his people. He had perfect character, using his power only for that which was good and righteous. If you develop both your Alpha and Beta characteristics then you can be sure you won’t finish last in romance! In fact, you just might find yourself the type of keeper a woman dreams of!

Men, if you found this post helpful please share it and follow the blog! Ladies, if you want more keepers in the world please share it too! 

I Like Him…What Should I Do?

One day she called me and asked to talk with me about something, so we met at a place for a private conversation. She confided that she had feelings for one of my friends. I knew the two of them had been spending time in each other’s company as friends, but I had no idea she had feelings for him. She then asked for my advice. She was caught between her feelings of romantic desire for my friend and the reality that he hadn’t, up to that point, revealed any interest in her. What should she do?

It’s not an unusual story in our modern culture. In our culture, men are expected to be the leaders and the matrimonial initiators. Women are expected to respond. So what does it mean if you’re a woman who has feelings for a single man who hasn’t shown any romantic interest in you thus far? I sympathize with the struggle. It’s painful to be gripped between the desire to have a romantic relationship with a person and the reality that such is not the case. Yet I have an advantage. As a man, I can express my feelings toward whomever I’m interested in without violating any social taboo. I might get rejected, but at least I receive a resolution to my interest. But what should be said for those expected to respond rather than initiate? Is there nothing more than to accept the tension between desire and reality with a stiff upper lip? What should Christian women do?

In The Bible

Throughout the vast majority of the Bible, the pattern of men as matrimonial initiators and women as responders is followed. There is, however, one dramatic, biblical exception to this pattern. That’s the story of Ruth and Boaz. Do you remember the story? Ruth is the daughter-in-law of Naomi, being the widow of Naomi’s son. They both lack father and husband. Ruth begins to practice gleaning in order to provide for her and Naomi. As she gleans, she meets Boaz, a relative of Naomi. Boaz is pleased with the faithfulness with which Ruth serves Naomi and treats Ruth with favor. Time passes as Boaz continues to give Ruth favor. Eventually, Naomi decides it’s time to act. She wants Boaz to marry Ruth. There is no man present to propose the marriage, so Naomi knows she must instruct Ruth to use an unconventional method to compel Boaz to pursue marriage.

There’s some uncertainty as to what precisely the text says happens in the story’s climactic scene. Naomi instructs Ruth to go to Boaz as he’s celebrating the barley harvest. She tells Ruth that once Boaz leaves the party and falls asleep to go beside him and uncover his “feet.” Some claim that “feet” was used as a euphemism for “genitals.” If so, then Ruth’s action is a startlingly obvious expression of her desire to become part of Boaz’s lineage. However, she makes her desire clear verbally as well. After Ruth uncovers Boaz’s “feet,” Boaz eventually awakes. Naturally he asks who’s lying beside him. Ruth says, “I am Ruth, your servant. Spread your wings over your servant, for you are a redeemer.” The expression of “spreading wings over” was used to refer to marriage. A redeemer was a relative of a widow’s deceased husband who would marry the widow in order to give her a family and future. Ruth is doing nothing short of asking Boaz to marry her. I don’t care about the precise interpretation of “feet” since the only difference is whether Ruth is being forward or extremely forward. Boaz immediately expresses his desire to marry Ruth. By the end of the story, Boaz settles the necessary business, he marries Ruth, they have a son, and, to borrow the cliché, they live happily ever after. So if a story of a woman taking initiative with a man is in the Bible, does that mean it can be a good thing?

In Life Today

The story of Ruth and Boaz isn’t the only one I’ve heard where a woman’s initiative resulted in a wedding. I once put out a query on Facebook asking my female friends what they thought of being a woman and expressing romantic interest in someone. Two offered their own stories of how they took the initiative in expressing interest and ultimately married the man of their desire. The first spoke with her man face to face. He too had feelings for her but was afraid to risk their friendship. The second’s feelings were made known indirectly through a network of family members and friends. The man decided to act when he learned of her feelings, and they ultimately married. I know of two other college acquaintances who began a relationship and ultimately married after the woman dropped a dead obvious hint that she was interested. He already liked her but thought so highly of her that he didn’t think he was in her league. Once he knew her feelings, he was happy to get moving. I share these stories to demonstrate the reality that initiative on the part of a woman CAN precipitate the beginning of a quality, lasting romantic relationship.

What About Men Leading?

At this point, however, an objection always rises. If a woman takes initiative with a man, doesn’t that take the man out of the leadership position and mess up the dynamics of the relationship from the beginning? Maybe feminine initiative can result in a relationship, but is that a wise way to seek it?

Let’s look back to the story of Ruth. Ruth took initiative to express her desire for Boaz. What happened immediately after that? Boaz immediately took the reins and started making plans. For the rest of the scene, he gives Ruth instructions on what to do. The next morning, after hearing what happened, Naomi tells Ruth, “Wait, my daughter, until you learn how the matter turns out, for the man will not rest but will settle the matter today.” Ruth’s actions didn’t smother Boaz’s leadership. They ignited it. As soon as Boaz understood that Ruth wanted him, he went off like a shot to do what it took to secure her hand in marriage. I don’t think Ruth spent the rest of her life having to wear the pants in their relationship. Even in the three modern day stories I shared in the last post, you can see a pattern that the woman’s expression of her feelings galvanizes the man to pursue her. The woman takes the initiative in revealing interest, but after that the man steps up as a leader. What you’ll want to avoid, ladies, is entering a relationship where you have to keep playing leader to a man who won’t step up. Do that and you may find yourself the unhappy codependent of a passive, so-called man. If your expression of interest prompts him to step up, good. If he wants you to continue to lead him around, beware.

Ladies, can I make a confession? As men, we hear all the messages about how we’re supposed to be leaders and initiators and have courage and pursue and, well, you know the drill. Want to know the truth? Sometimes we get intimidated. Sometimes we feel uncertain. Sometimes the shelter of friendship is temptingly safer than the risk of pursuing romance. Sometimes when we look at you and see how wonderful and beautiful and amazing and incredible and incomparable you are, we wonder how you could ever like us. Sometimes we’ve never looked beyond friendship with you, but when we pause and look deeper we see something worthwhile. Sometimes we’re happy to take the lead in romance once we get past those initial hang ups. Sometimes – SOMETIMES – when you take the initiative to express your interest, it’s the spark that ignites the rocket.

You Should Choose

So what does this mean if you like him and he hasn’t shown any interest in you? It means you have a choice to make. You can choose not to say anything and see if he takes it upon himself to pursue you. That’s an entirely valid option! I recall a conversation I had with a friend. Shortly after she began a relationship with a guy she had liked for a long time, I asked her what she would have done if he never had taken the initiative to pursue her. She said she wouldn’t have done anything. She decided that if he didn’t have the desire and initiative to pursue her, then she didn’t want to be with him. That’s a valid choice. In fact, the girl I mentioned at the beginning of this post, as far as I know, never said anything to my friend. I believe they parted ways and sometime later she began a relationship with another man. Parting ways with someone with whom you have romantic interest isn’t the end of the world. The other option is to take initiative to express your interest. But here I must give a word of caution.

If you take the initiative to reveal your interest then you face the risk of rejection. Just like a man faces the risk of being rejected by a woman he pursues, so you will be at risk of being turned down by the man to whom you express your feelings. That, I’m afraid, could be painful. When Ruth proposed to Boaz, she placed herself in an extremely vulnerable position. You will be vulnerable also. If the guy you like isn’t interested in you, odds are you’re going to be rejected. Yet how can you truly know if he has any interest in you unless you raise the subject? And even if you’re rejected, wouldn't that be better than holding out hope that one day he’ll pursue you?

There’s no clear answer. And please mark my words: I’m not saying that one particular choice is correct. I’m trying to examine whether the notion that a woman must always wait for the man to show initiative is as biblical or wise as it’s often portrayed. There’s both biblical and modern precedent that feminine initiative can produce positive results. Yet it can also yield painful rejection. Silent desire can be difficult to endure. Yet it may allow a match that’s not meant to be to quietly fade away. Perhaps patience will be rewarded when he finally expresses interest in you. Perhaps he never will. Even if you were to begin a relationship, there’s no promise that the two of you won’t later break up. Nothing is definite.

So how do you know what to choose to do? I’d say the first thing to do is make it a matter of prayer. Always seek the wisdom of your Father in heaven. He can give guidance for your particular situation. And you don’t have to make a decision on your own. Parents and trusted mentors may be able to give you wise counsel. Depending on the situation, maybe it would be better for your interest to be communicated through a family member or friend. Or maybe those who love you will rightly encourage you to remain patiently quiet. There’s no one choice that’s always right. There’s no promise of happily ever after. You have to choose what you will do. Pray and Choose Wisely.

What do you think? Share your thoughts in the comments!

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Mind Games Men Play In Relationships

Today, I want to share some thoughts on the common mind games guys play in relationships. Let me know if you agree with my perspective below:

Contrary to popular belief, not only women know how to play mind games. In fact, you may not believe how proficient some men are at playing mind games. 

A mind game can come in different forms, but one thing is always consistent; they are employed to play with the emotions. In this article, you’ll discover the mind games men play in relationships.

There are different reasons why a man would play mind games: it could be to test the loyalty, intelligence or, even the love of his significant other; or it could simply be fun for him; cruel as that may sound, IT IS THE TRUTH.

Some other men may play mind games as a means to an end; trust me this is even crueler because, they simply play their partners for what they have to gain, most times with little or, utter disregard for their feelings.

In as much as some of these mind games men play can be glaring, some people cannot see through it. And if care is not taken, it can lead to relationship problems that will create a whole lot of relationship drama.

Do not believe this? Let us check it out: Mind games that men play in relationships. And let us see how many you can identify with.

1. The Not Calling Game
I personally call this, the “who is more interested” game. This game can be rather torturous especially when you are emotionally invested. You may begin to question yourself and your feelings, wondering what you have done wrong or, even if you read the signs wrong.

The first thing you need to do is to relax. Chances are, he probably feels he is not important enough to you. He most likely just wants to know that he is important. At this point, what you want to do is to communicate and take initiatives to show him that he is, in fact, important to you.

2. The Silent Treatment Game
This is one of the most common mind games men play in relationships. For this one, I find particularly annoying and, I have noticed, tends to drive people over the edge. This is because women are communicative by nature and like to have a steady flow of conversation with their partners when this flow ebbs.

However when you begin to get monosyllabic responses; it immediately becomes a red flag. You begin to wonder what went wrong. The answer is nothing. This can be the way that he wants to know your endurance limit.

The best course of action at this point would be to hold out on him. Do not act needy, but, still, be sure to let him know that you care about him.

3. The Comparison Game
Now, I believe with all of my heart when I say this; nobody likes to be compared to whether male or female. And it is by far the worst form of mind game anyone can play on a girl, least of all her man.

Comparing her negatively to another girl is in simple form, highlighting her flaws, faults, and shortcomings. This could be a means of getting you to change for the better or, just to see how you fare under provocation.

The best option, do not let him provoke you, you need to have high self-esteem to stand on your feet. But you may also want to see if he does have a point though.

4. The Flirting Game
Ha! This is a multipurpose mind game. He may be doing this to get you interested by drawing out jealousy; also, he may be doing this just to play with you or; he may truly just want to move on.

For the first reason, you may want to just give him the attention he wants. That should be enough.

And for the second reason, you may want to let him know that you are on to him and, there is a limit to which you can tolerate it. Trust me; he will buckle up.

For the third reason, he is not interested; I’m afraid there simply is nothing you can do but to let him go.

5. The Secretive Game
Also known as the “how much do you care” game. This game is simply to know just how much you care about him.

He can come across as secretive and keeping things to himself; always wanting to be on his own. And he just wants to know that you care enough to be concerned. To this, do not push but, make it clear that you are genuinely concerned about him.

6. The No Sex Game
Men are very sexual creatures and, for them to suddenly develop a disinterest in sex, something has to be wrong. Chances are, he is doing this because he wants something sexually.

Now you would naturally get concerned, ask him what the problem is, and ask him for how you can fix it. This is where he brings up his demand without actually being demanding. 

In this situation, what you can do is show concern, but, do not be manipulated into something that you are not comfortable with. Read more about the truth about men and sex here: https://heartprintsplanet.blogspot.com/2016/08/all-guys-want-sex.html

7. The Ride Game
I detest this particular mind game because it can be so blinding. He is taking you for a ride, and you cannot see it. He constantly breaks your heart, ditches you at important moments, and then comes back months later with crazy stories about what happened; and you keep taking him back.

Sadly for this one, you cannot say that he is testing you in any way. He is simply not right for you. Ditch him and save yourself the next heartbreak and disappointment.

8. The Ignorance Game
You got that right; this is also a mind game that men play. He could go on ignoring you for days, just looking to judge your reaction.

And chances are, he may be genuinely busy and, may be unable to give you attention. Or he may just be testing your patience. Either way, patience is key here. Let your final decision be based on facts and not emotions.

9. The Whirlwind Game
This is what romantics are all about! Love at first sight and magical nights until slowly, he begins to grow tired.

This kind of mind game is the perfect game. He is the perfect man right from the onset until he simply is not. Therefore, it’s essential to know how to identify if he is a good man!

The key here is patience. Do not get overwhelmed by your emotions. Give yourself time to see if it is the real thing or if it is just an illusion. Trust me; you will be happier for it.

Find any of the above mind games men play that you could identify with? The mind games that man play go on from the space game to the no compliments game; however, it is really all just the same.

The important thing is to recognize these mind games for what they are, learn how to deal with them and if need be, toss them out.

PS: Simply comment and let me know your thoughts, I'd love to hear from you!

PLAY HARD TO GET - PART 1

If you’re in the world of dating – or ever were- I’m almost positive you've heard this bad dating advice at some point: play hard to get.

Act like you don’t like him, they tell you. Don’t look at him. Don’t talk to him. Don’t give him any attention.

Don’t return her call right away, they say. Wait a while and make her think you’re not that interested, because then she’ll want you even more.

Before I go into why this is really bad dating advice, let’s back up a minute.

There is something to be said of the “hard to get” mentality. There’s a psychological component here we have to understand.

Many times, it does solicit a response, because human nature is to want something even more when we feel like we can’t have it. Something subconscious inside of us moves us toward wanting what we perceive we can’t have because it proves to us that we are capable of getting it. It’s like a game, and when we can win the “prize” we feel good about ourselves.

But the problem with playing “hard to get” is two-fold:

#1: Playing hard to get encourages seeing the relationship like a “game to be won” rather than a genuine commitment to a person.

When you play hard to get, you might get a response from the other person but like I mentioned before – the response is more about the game than it is about the player.

Because by playing hard to get, you’re encouraging the unhealthy approach to relationships that sees you as the “next trophy to be won”, but once the game is over, the player will likely move on to the next prize.

It’s not about commitment, it’s about playing the game. And that’s why relationships that start this way, usually don’t last.

#2: When you play hard to get, it causes confusion to the other person involved.

Not surprisingly, I’ve seen the “play hard to get” approach totally backfire. I’ve seen people act like they aren’t interested in someone (when they were), and that “someone” was truly interested in them but ended up walking away from the potential relationship due to the mixed messages. Relationships that may have ended up well with clarity, communication, and clear intention. 

If you want to attract a healthy person and start a relationship on the right track. Don’t play the hard to get game because healthy people don’t stick around to play along.

They want clear answers, not ambiguity. They want commitment, not casual. They want authentic communication, not guessing games.

TO BE CONTINUE…

BUT THE GREATEST OF THESE IS LOVE PT. 7

continued from part 6

Bodie’s response to Rue was not what she had expected.

Rue’s thoughts drowned Bodie’s prayer out as she reevaluated how she got to where she was in her life, that very moment in time:

When Marlon passed, Rue despised the consuming power grief held over her life. As time passed, it became her new norm; a coping mechanism that kept boundaries around her life. This allowed her to comfortably accept the year long platonic friendship she had with Lavelle. Their friendship worked perfectly because he was a good companion whenever she felt like going out, and a simple breath of fresh air when she needed someone to talk to on nights she was finding it difficult  to fall asleep. All had been great between the both of them, up until the prior evening when he abruptly ended their friendship.

Rue shook her head out of disgust as she thought: Out of all the men I agreed to be friends with, he would end up being one of Bodie’s relatives! Well, at least Bodie came over tonight to tell me what he had done…come to think about it, everything worked out for the best…

And just like that, Rue no longer desired to push Bodie away anymore. She cleared her mind, humbled her spirit and began listening intently to him interceding on her behalf.  As she listened to him cry out to God, every wall she had put up to shield her heart, mind, and soul dissipated.

Rue was tired of pretending that she wasn’t miserable. She was tired of running and ready for a change.

She was tired of crying herself to sleep and being unhappy with life. What she had been doing and how she had been living had not kept her late husband Marlon’s memories alive. Instead, it was choking the life out of her. All of this was a direct result of her refusal to release the past, which held her captive for far too long. Rue was now ready to take her life back; re-establishing a relationship with God was the first step she intended to take in an effort of getting back on track.  Secondly, she decided that she was done pushing Bodie away.

This was the pivotal point that changed the trajectory of Rue’s life.

Many years later as Rue sat outside on the deck of her home with Naima and her in-laws, she watched with admiration the loving interaction her husband had with their children as he gave them instructions before allowing them to run off and play. She soaked in her surroundings and felt a great sense of peace.

Bodie looked over at Rue, smiled and mouthed: I Love You. Rue smiled back at him and mouthed: I Love You too. He stood up and walked over to her, then sat down beside her and wrapped his arms around her. She leaned into him, closed her eyes and whispered within her spirit: thank you God for turning my mourning into dancing and for giving me beauty for ashes…

“And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.” 1 Corinthians 13:13

Thank you for supporting our short story series!

BUT THE GREATEST OF THESE IS LOVE PT. 6

Continued from part 5 in this short story series.

Rue looked down at Bodie, inhaled and spoke her truth: “Bodie… You remind me of the most painful and happiest times in my life from two of my past relationships. The man who hurt me was prestigious and lived an elite lifestyle, so I experienced firsthand everything that came with dating a person of that caliber. The level of toxicity I experienced and endured from him is the reason a part of me opposes you…”

“I vowed to never allow myself to endure anything like that ever again, which is why I have stayed far away from you. On the other hand, there’s a part of me that’s intrigued by you… drawn to your characteristics…mannerisms and ways because you remind me so much of Marlon. My pain is what took Marlon and me from best friends to a couple. Happiness…that’s what he gave me and what I experienced in such a way I never felt before, until my life with him.”

Rue continued, “You stir up emotions within me and triggered memories I haven’t had to face alone, until now.  Everything I have ever dealt with in my life….both good and bad… I faced it with Marlon.  He and I were best friends! In the midst of my pain, he saw the woman I would become before I became her….” Rue sighed and said to Bodie, “I cannot allow you to replace him!”

And just like that, a weight felt as if it had been lifted from Rue’s heart. She was initially met with silence and then he spoke two words to her she didn’t expect to hear him say: “I’m sorry.” Rue looked into Bodie’s saddened eyes as he gently squeezed her hands and said: “Rue I’m sorry for the pain you endured at the hands of a man who used his status to inflict harm on your soul. I’m sorry he felt more empowered by mishandling your heart and left you to pick up the pieces of the pain he caused you.”

Bodie continued, “I’m sorry that your husband, who was your pillar, died and left you to navigate life alone…I’m sorry  you are in a place of pain right now where you feel that I want to remove all traces of your late husband and replace him. I’m sorry that the pain you feel is so deep until any and everything I say to you…my truth…doesn’t sound sincere to you. Rue…I so badly want to take your pain away, but the truth is…I can’t. I can walk with you through it…encourage and assist you every step of the way but the task of taking your pain away is too great for me. As much as I want you to see me for who I am. As much as I want you to see my heart, I know that right now…it is impossible.”

“You must completely heal from your pain before I can present myself to you and the only person who can heal you is God.”

“Everything’s going to be okay Rue and if you will allow me to…I will walk with you through this journey in whatever capacity God sees fit to use me within your life.  I will be whatever it is God says you need me to be throughout this healing process because Rue I want to marry you. I want to raise a family with you and live a loving, happy life with you ‘til death do us part.”

Rue was fighting hard to contain her emotions and just as she was about to ask Bodie to get up from off of his knees and go home, he stood up and said to her: “Rue…I’m going to pray over you right now okay…” She nodded her head yes, but the inner voice was screaming at her to send him home! For some reason she couldn’t formulate the words. As she listened to every request Bodie asked God on her behalf, she felt a peace come over her. Rue wondered why she felt comfortable living a life of memories; she then asked herself what was so happy and fulfilling about living a life of grief?

Bodie’s heart of concern made her feel safe; it made her feel that she could stop running from both him and God.

TO BE CONTINUE...

Confessions of a Female Porn Addict

Porn addictions do not discriminate.

For the last few weeks, I have been writing about how we need to change the way we talk about sex in church; sex is not just for men, but for women as well. However, the same applies to porn. It is not just men who are getting addicted to porn, but women as well. Nevertheless, we say porn is “Every Man’s Battle” and don’t acknowledge the battle that many women are fighting on their own in secret.

Today Beth Nyhart, author of Rend Your Heart & Not Your Garments is going to talk about her past struggles as a female porn addict.

Here’s Beth:

If you met me at 16, you would have seen a tall red-headed girl who had been homeschooled her whole life.

As we talked you might have learned that I loved music and drama, that I wanted to be a missionary when I grew up, and that church was a second home to me.

I doubt you would have been able to guess that I was addicted to pornography.

In the early 2000s my youth group was all about purity culture. Teen girls wore silver rings and wrote letters for their future husbands to open on wedding nights. We learned to kiss dating goodbye, and that saving yourself for marriage was a pivotal part of being a Christian.

I’m not saying that any of that was bad. But it didn’t help me.

When the topic of pornography came up it was addressed to the boys, because everyone knew that men are sexually stimulated visually. The girls were taught about modesty and finding our emotional fulfillment in Jesus. I sat through these teachings nodding and taking it in but all the while feeling like something must be wrong with me. It seemed like I was a deviant foul-hearted freak of nature sitting in a group of innocents. If nobody taught girls about porn that meant girls weren’t supposed to be dealing with porn. I was obviously the only one.

That’s a lie.

I can catch them more easily now that I’ve had a decade of practice. Satan has whispered that lie in the ear of so many young women who look around wondering if anyone can help them, then lower their eyes in shame. The accuser taunts, “No one can help you, if they even knew about you they’d be disgusted. They think you are a good example to the other girls, but if they knew what you were doing last night you’d never show your face here again.”

My double life started at the age of 8 when I was first introduced to pornography and it continued until I was 18 and finally found a way to confess my sin and get help. One of the characteristics of pornography is that as you indulge in it, the compulsions escalate. Your body develops a threshold to what you are feeding it and you find yourself needing a harder hit. In porn terms that means it needs to be more degrading; more taboo. And you’d better believe that Satan is on board with inventing new lows as our addiction-ridden brains need stimuli. This is one of the reasons that PornHub’s 2018 year in review stats show that the most searched for types of porn are homosexual, underage, incestuous, violence, animated, and porn with multiple participants. If you are wondering why animated is on that list, it’s because the human body has limitations, but animation opens up a world of disgusting possibilities.

Another one of Satan’s lies is that getting married will solve the problems you have with lust. But as you cultivate a desire for pornography and train your body to become aroused by the variety of porn out there, what you are doing is creating desires in yourself that a monogamous marriage relationship will never be able to fulfill. Just being allowed to have sex isn’t enough when you’ve rewired your brain and body to respond to pornography.

I was caught in what I call a sin/confess cycle.

I would indulge in pornography and then feel such shame that I’d cry out to God in desperation. I prayed that He would change me, take this temptation away, or fix whatever was broken inside of my body. Over and over again He would give me the same answer: CONFESS.

Confess. Not just to God, but to another person. Admit out loud what I had been doing and that I needed help. That was unthinkable. I could never in a million years confess this sin.

But God has a way of driving us down to the end of ourselves and forcing us to face what He asks of us. After years of emotional and spiritual turmoil I knew that this was never going to go away on its own. I started praying that God would give me the strength to obey Him in the act of confession, and He was faithful to provide for me.

My temptations didn’t go away overnight.

I had 10 years of habits to unlearn, I had a relationship with the Holy Spirit that was old and new at the same time. I had to re-internalize the basics of Christianity that hadn’t been able to impact my heart before in quite the same way. But I surrounded myself with people who knew my struggle and were willing to walk through it with me, and I thank God for them every day.

Sin is the same across the board, though the earthly consequences may vary (There are amazing Christian therapy and recovery programs for people who are dealing with addictions). The woman struggling to contain the bitterness in her heart and the woman struggling to control her sexual urges are both separated from God by their sin. And both of them need to deal with it!

The basics of how to deal with sin are:

Come to God with a broken and contrite heart over your sin (Psalm 51:17)

Ask Him to provide everything you need to live a godly life, which when dealing with sin is the right opportunity, person, and strength to confess and repent (2 Peter 1:3)

Obey God in the act of confession (James 5:16)

Accept the forgiveness that He offers you through the blood of Jesus Christ (Ephesians 1:7)

Surround yourself with other believers who will walk with you, hold you accountable, and encourage you (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12)

Daily allow the Spirit to transform you by renewing your mind (Romans 12:1-2)

The thing about sin is that we are all universally unable to handle it in our own willpower.

We need God to do all of the work for us, and only by surrendering to His work in our hearts are we conformed into the likeness of Christ.

As I speak and write about sin, my heart’s desire is to invite people to come out of the darkness and into the light. God has so much for us, so much peace and purpose that He generously lavishes on us. But so many people spend their lives ensnared in sin and unwilling to let go of it. Satan might be telling you that your sin isn’t that big of a deal, or he might be telling you that your sin is the worst ever and nobody can find out. But either way, he is wrong.

Your sin is common. Unextraordinary. The typical fallen human experience. I’m not afraid or impressed by the depth or the breadth of it. Your sin is rotting your heart, keeping you from true fellowship with God, and hurting your church body every day you don’t deal with it. And your sin is completely 100% deal-with-able.

Don’t wait another moment to come to God with your hands high in surrender. Turn yourself in and trust your soul to the One who is in the business of redeeming weakness for His glory.