DATING

DATING

No one wants to be alone. As human beings, we desire relationships with others. God created us as social beings. Gen 1:18 state “And God said, ‘It is not good that man should be alone. I will make a helper comparable to him’”. Then God instituted marriage. In verse 24 of the same chapter we see that God desires for men and women to develop relationship leading to marriage. But how do we decide whom we will marry? Do we date only people we wish to marry?

WHAT IS DATING?

Because we likely live with a mate in marriage and within a community around us. God wants us to learn to how to live in harmony with others. God has given us laws and wise policies to insure peace and enjoyable uplifting relationships. Dating is a means to learn how to relate socially with that half of the opposite gender. Dating is a means of getting to know someone better. Courtship is the final step before marriage, when a man and a woman are BOTH deciding whether they truly want to marry and are truly for one another. ALL dating is NOT courtship. Dating may lead to courtship and courtship will include dating, but dating need not have romantic overtones. It can just be companionship in a mutually pleasing activity.

Recently courting has been getting a second look by some who sees pitfalls in today’s dating scene. Steady one-on-one dating at too young an age with no goal of marriage in sight can lead to problems and temptations. (Of course, courting isn’t the starting place for those not of marriageable age. The natural alternative today is a group outing with less stress, less emotional attachment and still enough time to chat and compare personalities.) A date, if approached with the wrong attitude, is reckless frivolity, while courting aims at marriage.

WHO TO DATE

Teenagers and Youth are falling in and out of love on daily basis. Hormones are raging and hearts are bonding. It has taken me some time to be comfortable with the idea that dating is part of the natural distancing process that comes with young adulthood. Additionally, dating helps teens to forge new relationships and test new alliance (an important part of growing up).

Proverbs 4:23 tells us to be extremely careful with about our affections. We human are often prone to give our heart away too easily. That being so, it is wise not to date someone whose character or faith will lead you away from God and His way of life. Ancient Israel was warned not to intermarry with the nations around them lest their heart be turned from Him. (Deuteronomy 7:3-4). The wrong kind of dating can have the following negative effects:

Ø  It leads to intimacy but not necessarily to commitment. When couples eventually break up, they simply move on to another similar relationship.

Ø   It tends to skip the friendship stage of a relationship. Friendship can be described as two people walking side by side toward a common goal or interest. Typically dating tends to focus on being a couple with the goal of intimacy.

Ø   It often mistakes a physical relationship for love. A later chapter talks about looking up “love” in God’s dictionary to see what it should entail. Sex does not equal love, yet it is often mistaken for love. The excitement of the physical relationship is intoxicating.

Ø   It often isolates a couple from other vital relationships. Many authors have noted the importance of making a lot of friends of both sexes while young so you have a good idea of what others are like. Often when a breakup comes, other friends have been or will be alienated, leaving the former couple isolated and lonely at a time when they really need friends.

Ø  In many cases it distracts young adults from their primary responsibility of preparing for the future. The most obvious thought might be of higher education, but even developing skills and talents can be stunted when one’s attention is focused on steady dating.

Ø  It can cause discontentment with God’s gift of singleness. Some might disagree with the choice of phrasing, but the focus is that being single means you have opportunities for growth, learning and service that will be more difficult if not impossible when married. The author urges people to use their time as a single to its maximum capacity.

Ø  It creates an artificial environment for evaluating another person’s character. Being fun on a date doesn’t necessarily say a lot about how a person will be as a husband or wife. Real-life settings around family and other friends show much more of what a person is really like.

Things like personality and maturity levels differ from one person to another; and each person must decide for himself / herself when a relationship is becoming serious. How do you know when you are ready for a serious relationship with the opposite sex? Maturity level is the best gauge for answering this question. But whether you are in a relationship already or planning to go into one. Here are some tips about what Girls really want in a guy and vice-versa.

Ladies First:

WHAT GIRLS WANT IN GUYS

§  Gentleness and kindness, genuineness and sincerity. No interest here in the broody, hot-tempered and rough or the obsessively jealous.

§  Easy to communicate with. They were silent on the silent type.

§  Maturity on demand. Fun-loving is fine, but foolish is out.

§  Chivalrous, respectful and eager to serve. A fellow who opens doors for them and keeps his armor of honor well shined.

§   Appropriate self-confidence with a strong work ethic, finding joy in his work. When this kind of young man matures, he can and will provide well for his wife— and children. That’s a serious concern on girls’ minds, guys—girls who are thinking, that is.

§  Self-control with money, toys and temper. There are few things worse than being shackled to a broke, hot-tempered goof-off.

§  Patience with women and with womanly behavior they don’t fully understand. This is very important when dating and in marriage.

§  Not self-centered; interested in all types of people. This is the kind of guy girls love to be around.

§  Thoughtful and appreciative—one “thank you” goes a long way. The females of the species get far too little credit for all they do, gentlemen.

§  A positive attitude when facing the challenges and trials of life. This is a sign and act of leadership.

§  Tamed down heroism in the daily details of life. This means he brings flowers, sends cards, etc.

§  Creative attentiveness; he knows what to do and when (or at least takes such advice well). Takes initiative in making decisions.

WHAT GUYS WANT IN GIRLS

·         Honesty with diplomacy—a girl who kindly speaks her mind. Uncomplicated, and says what she means. Too much feminine mystique can be a mistake.

·         Thinks for herself and is not clingy. A girl who fosters intelligent opinions and has the confidence and poise to pose them.

·         Gracefully polite and courteous. Manners matter to good guys.

·         Graceful in damage control. She adroitly resolves difficulties and keeps her cool.

·         Graceful in posture; fit and strong. Guys can’t help but notice the fit and strong ideal girl/woman of Proverbs 31:17.

·         A good sense of style and modesty in dress. Bugs and guys that sting are attracted by bare skin; not the kind of guy you want to win.

·         Cleanliness in person and housekeeping. This reveals much about who you are inside (and it applies to guys too!).

·         Empathetic; notices the needs of others and is willing to serve. This is the essence of Christian love for fellow man.

·         Desire to teach children. Remember, dating eventually leads to marriage, which leads to kids.

·         Good cook and good driver. Trust guys to think of the practical.

·         Joyful, happy personality with a good sense of humor; a complete person. The girl who is balanced, comfortable with herself, emotionally healthy and who doesn’t take herself too seriously is the kind of girl that guys are drawn to.

·         Strong in the faith and dedicated to God and His ways. High spiritual standards may not make you popular with a lot of fellows, but they’re not the ones you want to date anyway.

MORE OF WHAT GIRLS WANT

§  A good cook and a good eater. Lasses like lads who won’t starve when they’re on their own and who can lend a hand in the kitchen.

§  Emotionally secure, with absolute trust and trustworthiness. Someone who is steady at the wheel and loyal to the core. Ability to compromise on practical matters (and who doesn’t pout when he doesn’t get his own way).

§  Common sense and intelligence. These are vital when a girl seeks to follow a guy’s lead on a date or in life.

§  Willingness to change when needed. Stubbornness is unattractive in both genders. Ability to rightly prioritize his life. This kind of a fellow can get some traction.

§  Right kind of ambition; a go-getter. This applies to education and career, and wise girls notice it.

§  Most importantly, a strong belief in God and His way of life. Spiritual wishy-washiness is a danger sign to girls with eyes to see.

RELATIONSHIP LAWS

v  The sacrifice (time, money, emotion, etc) put into a transient relationship is proportional to the pain of break up when it occurs.

v  The rate of telling lies is equal to the importance of what they want. That is, the number of times they lie about a thing or make up sympathy stories about a thing explains how badly they want or don’t want it.

v  The number of sexual intercourse involved reduces the life span of the relationship. Contrary to believes regular sexual intercourse with your boyfriend/girlfriend doesn’t make him/her like you more.

v  Double dating equals the absence of trust not only in your partner but also in yourself. An average Nigerian teenager believes they’ve been hurt in previous relationship and the only way to avoid that is to double date or have a “back up plan” like some call it. This breaks a relationship faster than it keeps it both now and in marriage.

v  As the trust in a relationship increases, the pressure of break up reduces.

v  Body exposure to a guy is a sign of sexual invitation. If you are not ready for sex, don’t give him a reason to think it, and you shouldn’t be ready till marriage because that is what it’s designed for.

Don’t sell yourself short. Don’t give your heart—or body—to the wrong kind of person or at the wrong time. Right dating is a fine art that builds life skills with practice. In the middle of that emotional battlefield of the sexes, called modern dating, grows a single, perfect rose. Ask God to lead you to it, and when the time is right, with His blessing, to carry it home and make it your own.

MATURE AND SAFE DATING

Here are some basic guidelines that can be applied and that will demonstrate a level of maturity while providing protection.

Ø  Group dating not only provides increased safety and less social stress, carefully chosen, it can help develop social skills; establish friendships and maintain high moral standards. Group events give an opportunity to observe how your date interacts with others within the protection of a group. A lot can be learnt about a person within this type of setting.

Ø  Bring your dating concerns to God. Echo David’s Psalms 25:21 prayer “May integrity and uprightness protect me, because I hope in you”.

Ø  Always have your date meet your parent or guardians before ant date actually takes place.

Ø  Honour boundary commitments, call home at times agreed and adheres to curfews.

Ø  If there is a change of plan or venue, let your parent or guidance know. For example, going to a beach instead of a cinema

Ø  Never date a person who you know is not a believer (Christian).

For youth and teenagers, dating has the potential to become a distraction from dreams and goals. When too much of yourself is given to a temporary relationship, you can run the chance of missing out on a lot and being drawn away from a powerful relationship with God. That may not happen in every relationship but it happens enough to make sure it is taken seriously.

Nonetheless, dating at the appropriate time is important. It provides awesome life experiences, teaches you how to talk to and interact with the opposite sex; and helps you to mature into someone who will be ready to get married at the appropriate time.

To be continued

VECTOR OF CHRIST

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