I LOVE HER

These words (along with "I love him!" for the girls) have probably served as the justification for more life altering decisions than can be counted. But have we stopped to ask ourselves what those words really mean?

"What," in the immortal words of Alexander Nestor Haddaway's 1993 hit song, "is love?"

Tragic Misunderstanding Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet has often been hailed as the greatest love story ever told. Two young lovers, in their desire to be with one another against the wishes of their feuding families, ultimately take their own lives, each unwilling to endure the cold, hopeless wasteland of a life without the other.

And it's all very touching and sentimental until you take a second look and realize that the whole story unfolds over the span of a whopping four days. Did the two teenaged "star-cross'd lovers" really have a chance to get to know each other? They married the day after they meet, and two days later they are willing to kill themselves over the loss of a person who, to their knowledge, didn't exist just five days before.

It's hard to disagree that Shakespeare's lines about love are beautiful: "With love's light wings did I o'er-perch these walls; for stony limits cannot hold love out," for example. But it's even harder to argue that his leading characters ever understood what these statements really meant.

We should consider that the approach Romeo and Juliet took toward "love" in Shakespeare's play bears a striking resemblance to the approach many take today, if slightly exaggerated.

Movies may tell us we're helpless when it comes to falling in love. But the reality is we can rule over our emotions and make wise choices.

The Love Chapter

The apostle Paul, under inspiration from God, wrote a passage in a letter to the Christians in the city of Corinth that has come to be known as "the love chapter." It provides an explanation of what true, Godly love is at its core. Among other things, we are told: "Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud…Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance" (1 Corinthians 13:4,7, New Living Translation ).

Does that sound like what Romeo and Juliet had? Was Romeo really thinking about what was best for Juliet when he decided to secretly marry the 13-year-old? By the biblical definition, what they felt wasn't love. It was something else.

How many real-life examples of the same thing have you seen? The words "I love you" are tossed around like a crumpled piece of paper and carry about the same weight for most people. All the expressions of love are there, but so many throw in the towel in a relationship when things stop going the way they want. That's not love. Love "does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil. (1 Corinthians 13:5, 8).

The simple truth of the matter is that our modern world has confused love with infatuation. Think about it: Almost every time we hear love referenced in popular culture, it's something people fall into unexpectedly, accidentally.  All of a sudden your heart is aflutter and you feel an intense attraction to another person. That pounding in your chest sounds like "love at first sight" rather than "raging hormones." But the Bible makes it clear that godly love is a conscious choice one makes, an action, not an accident.

Jack Scruggs, a mental health therapist in the United Church of God with degrees from both the University of Oregon and Oregon State University, declares the dividing line between love and infatuation as simple as one word feelings.

"Infatuation offers the possibilities of feeling good when affections are returned in kind, feeling bad when those affections are spurned," Scruggs says. "Infatuation is mostly concerned with feelings."

So what does this mean about love versus infatuation? Scruggs continues: "The direction of infatuation is inward. The direction of love is outward. Infatuation is most often temporary and depends on reciprocation to survive. Love stands alone, depending on nothing for its survival. Love is an imitation of God, while infatuation is a recognition of our attraction for the opposite sex. LOVE IS A WAY OF LIFE."

We do have a choice. Love isn't just some accident we have no control over. These writers say these things and tell fictional stories as so-called proof. Then people believe them, and their lives get ruined

Many people believe the myth that you can't choose whom you love. They miss the happiness that could light up their lives. The idea of "accidental love" simply isn't true! You have much more control than you think. Choices in love are tied to making choices with your time.

WHAT IS LOVE?

To make choices about love, we need to understand what love is. You may already disagree with me because you have "fallen in love," and it does seem to come out of nowhere and to be completely beyond control. Everyone experiences that at some time or another, and it's a wonderful, exhilarating thing. But there's more to love than that!

Webster's New Universal Unabridged Dictionary lists 24 different definitions under the entry "love." Obviously the word is used in many different ways.

The base definition is "a feeling of warm personal attachment," but we often intend this one: "profoundly tender or passionate affection for a person of the opposite sex." And we'll focus on this shortly. Of course, used as a verb, to love is to experience such feelings. Let's look beyond dictionaries, though, to understand that love, real deep love is more than a feeling.

The apostle John wrote what could be called a Bible definition of love when it comes to our relationship with God: "This is love: that we walk according to His [God's] commandments” (2 John 6, emphasis added throughout).

Inward feeling and motivation must translate into action. As John also wrote, "Let us not love in word or tongue, but in deed and in truth"

(1 John 3:18).

In other words, "Talk is cheap; you show love by what you do." Doing something requires a commitment of a portion of our limited time. A song from a while back contains these words in the chorus: "It’s more than words, it’s more than what you say. It's the things you do...”

That's where we all have some control and can make choices. Sometimes it seems impossible to control your feelings, but when you control what you do with your time, that powerfully controls how you feel. Yes, even when it comes to falling in love.

LOVE WHOM AND WHEN?

The most important things we should control when it comes to romantic love is whom to love and when to do so. A lot of people think falling in love only happens by accident. Sneaking up and hitting them over the head when they aren't looking. Being attracted to someone may happen that way, but developing feelings of love takes more time. You can't have romantic love for someone you don't know, and you can't get to know someone unless you spend time with him or her. So the first key to choosing whom you love is choosing whom you spend your time with and how you do it.

In almost all cases, it's best to prepare for a career before committing to marriage. Falling in love too soon has caused many young men and women to drop out of college, or settle for an inferior career in order to be with that someone special.

It's better to decide in advance at what stage of life romance will be best for you. Then, wait until then to date or spend lots of time with any one person of the opposite sex. In the Bible, King Solomon advised that we not wake up love until the time is right (see Song of Solomon 8:4). Meanwhile, spend time with a wide variety of people. Learn what traits are most compatible with you. Then when that right time comes, you'll know the type of person to be devoting your time to.

This can be hard. If you sense strong feelings of attraction developing toward someone, you may have to force yourself to spend less time with that person until the time is right. Otherwise, you may be giving up the choice that should be yours to make with a clearer head. You choose whom you might love by choosing whom you spend time with.

You don't need to keep your motivations a secret. Telling a person openly that you like him or her but aren't ready to have a deeper relationship will benefit you both. It could even keep a path open to that other person when the right time comes. The other side of this, of course, is that you can't choose how another person will feel about you but that's a topic for another time.

Controlling the type of person you spend time with is vital to choosing the person you'll fall in love with, even more than when it will happen. Love usually starts with mutual attraction, but it can only grow on a basis of common interests, shared standards and similar goals.

Some of these traits are more important than others. A man who likes rock-n-roll can build a happy marriage with a girl who loves country music. But when a man and woman allow themselves to fall in love while fundamentally disagreeing on things like religion, politics or even financial habits, they're setting themselves up to become like the characters on television who seem to suffer so much for love.

It's way better to fall in love in the first place with someone who makes a good match for you. TV writers may say that you can't choose whom you love, but you can or at least you can choose whom you won't love.

If a potential love interest holds different values than you, don't give him or her much of your time no matter how attractive he or she is. Otherwise, you may soon be in tears wondering why you couldn't choose to love someone who was a good match. You can choose by choosing whom you spend time with. It may be a tough choice, but it's well worth making. Wise choices about your time make wise choices about love and future marriage.