FORGIVENESS

My friend and I recently got in a fight. I know that God wants us to forgive each other, but sometimes it's really hard. How can we forgive another person when we are having trouble doing so?

Your question is both profound and vital to the basic foundation of all human relationships.

Answer:

Your question is both profound and vital to the basic foundation of all human relationships. All of us are hurt by others at one time or another—whether accidentally or intentionally. And if we're really honest with ourselves, we will have to admit that we, too, have hurt others. Hopefully we have done so accidentally and not intentionally. It is easy for Christians to talk about the need for forgiveness because that concept is so fundamental. Yet, in real life, it is often hard to practice because of the emotional hurt we feel.

In the model prayer, Jesus Christ said to ask the Father to forgive our sins as we forgive others (Matthew 6:12). Two verses later, after completing the model prayer, He returns to the idea of forgiveness and says in verses 14 and 15 that if we forgive others, God will also forgive us. But if we don't forgive others, neither will God forgive us.

In Matthew 18 Peter asked if forgiving someone seven times was enough (verse 21). Jesus' answer in the next verse says to forgive 70 times seven—implying that we never stop forgiving. He then gives a parable about forgiveness and ends in verse 35 with the statement, "So My heavenly Father also will do to you if each of you, from his heart, does not forgive his brother his trespasses."

With a concept so fundamental to Christianity, it would be easy to write a book. But to condense things a little, here are a few key points about forgiveness:

1. It's hard to do—partly because it means we give up the right to feel justified in taking revenge or "getting even" with someone.

2. Forgiving does not mean you give someone the right to injure you again (such as in cases of abuse.) This does not seem to be your question, but we mention it, lest someone wrongly get the idea that Christians have to continue putting themselves in positions to be hurt. In order for the relationship to be healthy, the other person needs to be willing to not repeat whatever the hurt was.

3. Often we are hurt by a friend and many times it is unintentional. That's where the principle of Matthew 18:15
is so important. It tells us that if our brother has done something wrong, go and talk with him. Galatians 6:1
adds that if we go to someone about something he or she has done wrong, we must be sure we go in a "spirit of gentleness." If we approach someone and figuratively poke him or her in the nose, there is almost no chance of getting the relationship healed. The situation will only be made worse. But if you go humbly to your friend and express your hurt, there is a greater likelihood of healing the relationship.

One good way of handling such situations is to use what are called "I statements" instead of "you statements." It is better to say, "When I heard that, this is how I felt" rather than saying "You did this or that to me." The former is less accusatory. The latter is like figuratively poking the person in the nose—laying all the blame for the hurt on him or her and making it harder for the person to admit you were really hurt by what was said or done. We also need to be willing to accept the possibility that we may have misunderstood or misinterpreted something in the situation.