There’s No Such Thing as a Soul Mate

I got an email from a young man who was feeling frustrated with relationships.  He had recently asked a girl on a date and had been turned down. She explained to him that she was waiting for her “soul mate”.  Apparently, she didn’t think he was the one.

My heart goes out to this young man, because it always stings to get turned

down- no matter how spiritual or holy the rejection may be.  I’ve met more than my share of young men and women who are sitting around, waiting for their soul mate.  As though one day, there will be a magical knock on the door and “poof”, their soul mate will be waiting.

I think this philosophy of a “soul mate” has done far more harm than good in our society.  First and foremost, it’s a concept that is rooted in ancient mythology.  Story has it that the gods split human beings as a form of punishment for their pride.  Since then, human beings have been on the search to find their “soul mate” in an attempt to reach completion once again.  Ancient mythology declares that there is this unspoken knowledge- some sort of feeling that a person experiences when they come face to face with their soul mate.  Half full people waiting around for someone else to complete them.  I don’t know about you, but that doesn’t sound very healthy to me.

Beyond the fact that the term is founded completely in fairy tale, it’s also entirely unbiblical.  It is a title that is promotes “feeling” and “energy” that attracts one person to another.  It’s a dangerous concept because it fools you into believing that love and marriage hinge on emotional ecstasy.  And even more detrimental, is that it gets you to believe that you are incomplete until you come face to face with the love of your life.

How long will it take us to learn that feelings can’t be trusted?  They may help point us in the right direction, but they should NEVER be the sole foundation on which an entire relationship is based.   Because at the end of the day, feelings come- and then feelings go.  Those who build their relationships on the foundation of “feeling” will find that when the rain comes- their love quickly crumbles.

All over the world there are Christian young men and women waiting for that magical moment when they will come face to face and eye to eye with the person that will stir their heart and connect deeply with their soul.  For the one who will complete them and make them whole.

There is no such thing as a person who will complete our souls, because according to God’s word- we are only made complete in Him.

Healthy relationships begin by understanding this completeness.  They are based on positive interactions, effective communication, and an emotional give-and-take with another human being that reflects health and wholeness.  They are founded in faith, rooted in good choices, and grounded in hard work and a whole lot of grace.  Don’t get me wrong- healthy relationships will always come with an abundance of healthy feelings, passion, and romance- but they may not always start with those emotions.

If you’re waiting to meet that person that will trigger some sort of magical moment inside of you that will dub them as “the one”, there’s a good chance you’ll be waiting for a long, long time. Instead, do yourself a favour and begin to make connections with the people God has placed in your life.  Get to know yourself, and then get to know people of the opposite sex who have the qualities you are looking for in a future mate.

Don’t freak out if the feelings aren’t magical or mystical, because frankly, they were never intended to be.  Look for qualities, traits and characteristics that are attractive based on the things you know you need and want in a relationship.  Find a relationship that emits healthiness, wholeness, and respect. Take it one step at a time, and be assured that in a right relationship- feelings will always be present, but they can never be the foundation of a healthy relationship.

True love is based on a healthy combination of facts and feelings, and a whole lot of good choices.  May God give you the wisdom to choose well.

DATING TIPS

Q: What advice would you give to those of us who are “out there” in the world of dating? 

A: I dusted off one of my old journals the other day.

I’ll be honest – not such a good idea. I half-laughed/half-cringed while reading through the pages, “listening” to my 20-year-old self talk about life and dream about the future. I had a pretty good head on my shoulders (if I do say so myself), but even so, looking back I realize I had so many things wrong in my mentality as a single young woman.

As I look at my life and progression through it, there are so many things I know now that I wish I knew then. So many things that would have spared me heartache, grief, and straight-up saved me time! I spent so much time dreaming, worrying, and thinking about things that would never actually happen.

I invested my energy in the wrong places, and my emotions in the wrong people.

I get that some life-lessons have to be experienced in order to be learned, but I don’t always think that’s the case. Sometimes, I think that all it takes is someone who’s “been there, done that” to give us some perspective and steer us in the right direction (which is why I wrote THIS). As I reflect on my time as a single, here are some things I wish someone would have told me:

1. The most important person you could ever get to know is yourself.

Sound obvious to you? Then you’re better off than I was. Back then, I probably would have told you that I “knew who I was”, but I really didn’t. The truth is, I didn’t take the time to get to know myself until far too late in my life as a single. And I don’t think I’m alone in that.

So many times, our years of singleness are spent focusing on who we’re going to be with, rather than who we are. Countless hours and limitless energy are poured into getting to know the person standing before us, many times, at the neglect of ourselves.

We can spend so much time trying to find the right person, that we actually lose ourselves in the process.

I wish someone would have clued me in on the fact that getting my stuff together was a huge piece to the puzzle of a nourished relationship. Instead of fixating on relationships- I wish I would have invested more time in developing interests, working through my past, and wrapping my brain around my identity in Christ. Because at the end of the day, you can’t really know what you want in a relationship- until you know who you are (See Chapters 1-4 in True Love Dates to find out what it really means to get to know yourself).

2. You will always attract the kind of person you believe you deserve.

The truth is that we all come with some sort of a price tag. We rely on so many superficial things to measure our value and our worth by: appearance, intelligence, success. But no matter how you choose calculate it, your price tag is determined by one thing and one thing alone: Yourself.

I wish someone could have told me that you get to determine the price that you will place upon yourself. But more so, I wish I would have known the reality that the price I choose – is also the price I’ll be purchased at. I spent so much of my life undervaluing my worth, thinking I wasn’t good enough, smart enough, or cute enough. I made decisions based on what I believed I deserved, and my inability to see my true worth took me down some roads with some people I wish I never would have travelled.

It’s important to get real with the price we place on ourselves, and realize how valuable we are, because we have been made by a God who said so. A God who saw we were worth so much, and paid a high cost just to prove it.

One thing I desperately wish someone would have told me, is that if you want to attract someone who values you, you’ve first got to value yourself. That’s why I’m so adamant, now, about spreading that message myself. 

3. Your story has far more to do with who you are, than who you’re with.

It’s hard not to be “single-minded” when you’re on the search for love (no pun intended). It’s easy to focus in on your desires in the here and now. But the truth is, finding a relationship is just part of God’s bigger story for your life.

I think the most foundational truth that I’ve learned now that I’m a married woman, is that my life has far more to do with finding my purpose than it ever did with finding someone to marry.

I love my husband, and I’m blessed by the marriage we have but I realize that this relationship is just part of the bigger picture God has for my life. My purpose, my security, and my value weren’t resolved in the arms of my spouse. There is so much more that God has made me to do and to be, and so much more that I want to become. Finding true love is just part of the equation of my story — and it’s only part of yours as well. Seek to find your purpose and pursue your God-given passions while standing alone. Because one thing I wish I would have known is that you’ll never regret investing in God’s bigger picture. It’s never in vain. 

No matter who you are or what you’ve been through, my prayer is that you learn from my mistakes, because a simple perspective change can make all the difference in your life–and in your relationships.

Should Christians Wait Until Marriage To Kiss?

Q: I am just wondering if a young couple striving for purity and holiness together should not kiss each other until the altar (or even just until engagement). I’m 20 years old and will soon be discussing physical boundaries with a potential boyfriend, but kissing is one thing I’m not sure how to address.

A: While my answer to this question will likely surprise you, let me first start off by saying that I’m thankful to see a question like this pop up in my submission box for this Q & A series, because it’s yet another reminder that there are some really good people out there, wanting nothing less than to honour God with their lives and relationships. And that is a really awesome thing.

We live in a culture that’s so infiltrated with sex and so immune to the hook-up culture, that sometimes I fear Christians lose their way amidst all the noise.

So to you who wrote in with this question – I just have to take a minute and say: way to go. Way to go in thinking ahead, making plans, and setting boundaries in your relationship so that you can honour God and one another in the process. Just by doing those simple things you are way ahead of the game.

And now, to jump right into this question: should you wait until marriage to kiss?

Most recently this concept of “no kissing before marriage” appeared as part of the “courtship movement”, specifically displayed in a mainstream way in the hit TV Show on TLC: 19 Kids and Counting. The Duggar Family practice a “no kissing before marriage” rule for their adult children, as a way to keep their courtships “focused on God and away from sexual temptation”.

Looking back, the first time I ever heard of this concept was actually during one of my classes in Christian college. I’ll never forget that day, because it was something I hadn’t really heard of before. Yes, I grew up in the era where the “purity culture” was being preached from the rooftops, but all in all, the focus was always on not having sex before marriage. Kissing wasn’t something that people really addressed.

I remember hearing my professor talk about how she and her husband decided to save their first kiss for marriage, and frankly, at the time, I thought it sounded like a pretty noble thing to do.

Fast forward 15 years from the very first time I heard about this concept – and my perspective on this topic has shifted. 

You see, now I’m a licensed professional counsellor, sitting in my office, working with couples, I actually see the other extreme of these hard and fast rules: more specifically, couples who have come to see me due to the backlash of their lack of comfort with physical intimacy — even in marriage. I’ve seen couples who really struggle to foster a physical relationship, because for so long they’ve been trained to repress their sexuality and sexual urges rather than to learn to appreciate and take control of them. 

It’s almost as though the message of what you “can’t do before marriage” for all those years started getting compartmentalized in their minds as “bad” or “wrong”. And now that they are married, they’re having a hard time breaking free of the guilt and shame that comes with physical intimacy and pretty much anything along the spectrum of sex. Working with these couples was intense, but it opened my eyes to the idea that often times, in an effort to protect ourselves from crossing the line of physical boundaries, we actually shame ourselves toward purity rather than empower ourselves toward it.

There’s so much to be said here, but in an effort to stay away from the “shame-based” approach toward physical interaction – and to answer your question frankly: no, I don’t think you need to wait until marriage to kiss. But let me unpack that a little bit. I think kissing, if done thoughtfully and deliberately, can be a way to add a sense of connection and affection to a relationship that is moving toward marriage.

So, how do you do it “correctly”? One of my favourite quotes about kissing I heard from a pastor somewhere along the way said it like this: 

“Make sure your kiss is a reflection of your love – not your lust.”

And the truth is – there is a huge difference between the two. A kiss can be an act of gratitude for this person you’ve been given, or it can be an act of greed to satisfy something inside of you. This is where it crosses the line and has the potential to lead to other self-serving sexual acts. And to be honest, if you feel like you’re not mature enough or strong enough to keep a kiss as a sign of love, than yes, it’s probably better for you and for your loved one to keep away from kissing all together until you can learn to practice healthy boundaries.

There are so many ways to show affection in a relationship, and a kiss is certainly one of them. But in doing so, always make sure that the display of your love isn’t entirely based on physical expression, because even in marriage, physical intimacy is a small fraction of a relationship in light of all the other ways two people express love and commitment to one another.

So if you’re going to kiss, let it be an expression of your love – not your lust.

WHY CHRISTIAN WOMEN NEED TO STOP “WAITING ON MEN”

 Q: How long should a woman “wait” for him to step up and ask her out before she gives up on him and moves on?

A: Before I tackle this question I have to say that I chose this particular question to represent a bigger issue. You see, out of the hundreds of questions submitted, I started noticing a theme that actually made me sad.

Question after question, I was hearing from women with similar concerns. Questions like:

Why do men expect so much but give so little?

How do you attract men, not boys?

Why is it so difficult to meet godly men, who don’t just profess their beliefs but actually run after God?

As a Christian women, does it set a poor precedent to be the one initiating a relationship?

We’ve been friends for years, how do I know if he likes me?

What do men think of a girl pursuing them?

The easy answer to the above questions would be to write more and more articles to the men telling them to give more, to ask more, to get healthier, to become stronger, to be godlier…and on and on and on. But first of all, that would take way too much time. And second of all, I think by answering all of the above questions in that way, we’re missing something pretty big: DEFERRED RESPONSIBILITY. That’s the one thing I see in common with all of the above questions.

What I mean by that statement is that it seems to me that in Christian circles, we have created a culture of single women who automatically defer the responsibility in their relationships to the man: 

Men should _________________________ (fill in the blank).

But instead of just waiting for the men to do ________________, I think it’s time for us women to step it up and take responsibility for our lives and relationships.  Here’s how:

START SPENDING TIME WITH BETTER GUYS — BECAUSE THEY’RE OUT THERE!

I always get questions from women disappointed in the men in their lives. Lying, cheating, passive, arrogant, rude, selfish…the list goes on and on of the things I hear. But one thing I want to say to these single women is to stop simply complaining about the “jerks” in your life and instead do something about it! Invest your time in the good ones! They’re out there and they’re waiting! I KNOW they’re out there, because I interact with them every single day through this blog and through the churches, colleges, and conferences I visit. Believe it or not, there are still good guys out there! So often women have a hard time believing this, and so settle for men who treat them poorly. Take responsibility for your relationships by investing your time in people who value your time.

STOP BEING OKAY WITH GIVING SO MUCH AND RECEIVING SO LITTLE

Another thing that comes up again and again is the idea of women who give too much, and men who give too little. But partly I think this is also a representation of the kind of relationships we’re allowing ourselves to engage in as women! If someone is giving too little, why waste another moment trying to convince them to give more? If this is the kind of dating relationship you’re in, imagine how terrible it will be to carry that kind of interaction into marriage? Take responsibility for your relationships by saying no to one-sided relationships.

STOP WAITING AROUND AND START LIVING!

I recently read a Christian article that encouraged women to “wait on the men”. I’ll be honest, I totally yelled at my computer screen at some point during that article. Since when are we called to “wait on men”? For some reason, I was pretty sure Scripture encouraged us to wait on God…..but hey, I could be wrong.

I see an interesting culture of conservative Christian women who believe that they should just wait around, letting the men in their lives “lead the way”, all-the-while passively following along in an ambiguous, awkward, who-knows-what-this-is kind of relationship where they have no idea if the guy is interested in them or just sees them as their “sister in Christ”.

But what gets me is that not only are they waiting, they’re making excuses for him along the way: maybe he’s too shy, maybe he hasn’t yet heard from God, maybe he’s trying to guard my heart, maybe he’s intimidated by me……..and with all the excuses, they continue to wait, and wait, and wait.

And what we get in the end is a whole lot of capable, godly, beautiful, amazing women who are just waiting around for the man to do something, all the while passing their lives away.

I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again: Christian woman get so bogged down by the concept of men being “leaders” that we fail to recognize that God only calls us into this kind of “leading” relationship within the walls of a loving, respect-filled, and mutually submissive marriage.

As single women, we need to take responsibility for our relationships by making sure to catch ourselves when we start moving into “ambiguous territory”. When your relationship with a man starts getting exclusive, emotionally intimate, physical/sexual, or starts to resemble a dating relationship in some way – don’t you DARE wait around for the next few years (or even months) wondering what’s going on in his head.

Protect your heart by either taking a few steps back and either giving him room to pursue you, or go ahead and ask him what’s up!! “Our friendship is starting to look more like dating….What are your intentions here?” It’s time for women to stop blindly following, and instead take responsibility for their relationships by protecting their hearts and minds from the zone of ambiguity, because it’s right there in the twilight zone of relationships that the most heart-break and confusion actually occurs.

Christian women need to take responsibility of their lives and their relationships, because God calls us to guard our hearts above all else, and that’s what this means. Because ladies, anything valuable, is worth protecting – AND EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU IS SO EXTREMELY VALUABLE.

Can I please get an Amen? If you hollered “Amen” at some point in this article do me a favour and share, tweet, or re-post.

HOW CAN GOD FORGET ABOUT ME?

 If you’ve ever been in a tough situation and wondered…

“How Can God Forget About Me?“

I have the answer for you. God can not and will not forget about you.

Why?…

Because He created you, which means He wrote the book of your life at the moment of creation. Every detail of your life, God knows about. So that creative idea you’re afraid to start working on, He knows about that. The desire in your heart that you’ve been carrying around for years, that you feel God hasn’t acknowledged, He is totally aware of that too.

He knows. God is our heavenly father, which means, He is our parent. He takes care of us, He knows what we need, and when we will need it. He has provided for and protected us at times when we didn’t even know that we needed Him. That definitely doesn’t sound like a God who forgets about His children.

I think we need to make it a daily habit to remind ourselves of all the things God has done for us. God doesn’t forget about us, but we often forget about how He has made a way for us throughout our lives.

When we are able to recall the many blessings God has showered on us, we get into a mind-frame of gratitude. Then gratitude opens the door to seeing life with a totally different perspective.

God’s abundance resides in our gratitude. There are so many possibilities, when we are just grateful for what we have.  Through that gratitude, we learn to be content in our circumstances (not to be confused with complacent), because we are 100% confident in who God is and His timing in our lives.

Here are some scriptures to meditate on, when you feel like God has forgotten about you.

Think on positive things- Philippians 4:8-9 

Summing it all up, friends, I’d say you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies.

Every good and perfect thing comes from God- James 1:16-18 

So, my very dear friends, don’t get thrown off course. Every desirable and beneficial gift comes out of heaven. The gifts are rivers of light cascading down from the Father of Light. There is nothing deceitful in God, nothing two-faced, nothing fickle. He brought us to life using the true Word, showing us off as the crown of all his creatures.

God wants to give you the desires of your heart- Psalm 37: 4-5 

Delight thyself also in the Lord: and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. 

Commit thy way unto the Lord; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass.

8 WAYS TO PRAY FOR YOUR LOVE LIFE (OR LACK THEREOF!)

I’ve been challenged lately with my tendency to think about things, rather than pray about them. 

There’s been a series of difficult events occurring in my life, and I find that I’m quick to analyze, figure out, and try to put the pieces together.  I guess what it comes down to is that I am somewhat of a control freak.  For me, if I can’t have control, I fool myself into thinking that I’ve got some sort of ability to “figure it out” in my head.

But as I’ve been weeding through Scripture lately, I’m realizing that my tendency to over-

analyze is so antithesis to what God’s word says.  All through Scripture Jesus is challenging us: Don’t just dwell on things, pray about them.  Prayer is the act by which we mentally hand over our problems, concerns, fears, desires, and dreams to someone who actually has the power to control.  And it makes so much sense, because if we’re going to allow these things to fill our brain, we are better off doing it in a way that has the power to impact the things that are weighing us down, rather than simply allowing them to consume us. 

So for those of you who may find yourself consumed by your love life- or lack thereof, here are some ways to mentally and prayerfully hand those things to the One who can actually do something about it: 

Pray… 

1.       That God would give you a relationship (Matthew 7:7)!  God’s word challenges us to ask and bring our needs before God.  As long as our hearts are aligned with His, there are no limits on what we can ask.  What are your deepest needs and desires when it comes to a relationship?  Let Him know. 

2.       That He would grant you patience and insight to wait for a good one (Isaiah 40:31).  Waiting on God is never easy, because once again, it is a reminder that we are not in control.  But through the time of waiting, ask God to change you, nourish you, and fill you so that you are empowered and prepared to take the next steps when the timing is right. 

3.       That He would be working out anything unhealthy in your life (Jeremiah 33:8).  Some of our baggage and sin we can recognize, and some we can’t.  As you seek to enhance your love life, be sure to ask God to help you recognize and heal all the things in your life that aren’t lining up with His best.  Seek to get to the bottom of your sins, and ask for His healing power to be at work in your life. 

4.       That He would shape your heart for nourishing interactions with others (Colossians 3:12-14).  It’s important to learn how to love, rather than simply longing to be loved.  When your heart is open to loving and edifying others the way it was meant to, your relationships will be enriched and empowered. 

5.       That He would bring healing into your past so that you are free to embrace the present (Philippians 3:13-14).  We are called to move forward, and forget what is behind.  Sometimes, it’s easy to get stuck on our past and be paralyzed from living in the present.  No matter what kinds of things your past may hold, ask God to be at work in your past so that you are free to live in the moment and embrace your present. 

6.       That He would protect your emotional world and give you wisdom of how to set healthy boundaries (Proverbs 4:23).  I talk a lot about guarding our hearts and how to practically do that, but how often do we actually pray about our hearts and emotional worlds?  God longs to be a part of our emotions just as much as our spiritual life.  He is a holistic God, who longs to interact with our mind, body, and soul.  Give Him a chance by opening your emotional life to Him through prayer. 

7.       That He would open your eyes to the joy of doing sex His way (Hebrews 13:4).  It’s so easy to focus on what we can’t do before marriage, and end up harbouring bitterness and resentment.  But what if we were to ask God to open our eyes to doing life His way?  What if we were to plead with Him to download His heart onto ours, so that we could truly understand what is best for our lives?  Rather than struggling with His plan, let’s ask Him to reveal His heart to ours, particularly in the area of sex and sexuality, so that we can be freed to trust Him without bitterness or regret.  (More on this in Chapter 8 of True Love Dates)

8.       That God would be the focus of your life now and forever (Psalm 37:4).  At the end of the day, no matter how we view it, there is no gift that is greater than the Giver.   Whether we feel that or not, it doesn’t cease to be true.  May we continue to bring this request before God, so that He can turn our hearts to Him as our greatest delight and desire, because perspective has the power to change everything. 

by Debra Fileta

7 Types of Friends Every Woman Should Have

The righteous choose their friends carefully, but the way of the wicked leads them astray. ~Proverbs 12:26

I have always been blessed to be surrounded by some amazing friends in my life. Yes, as the seasons of life change, some have come and gone; some by choice and some by force. But one thing is for certain: we all need a good girlfriend (or two or many) in our lives. There are just some conversations and places that are meant for girlfriends and not necessarily for our significant others. I know that if I have a crisis or need a good ladies’ night out, I will never be without a friend to reach out to.

So even if we don’t hang out as much as I’d like,  I love my girls to death, and there is nothing like their friendship.

Here’s 7 types of friends I’m so blessed to have, and think every woman should have too:

THE COUNSELLOR

This is the one that gives the best advice. She’s been there and done just about everything. For some reason you are comfortable discussing your most private thoughts with her that you wouldn’t dare share with anyone else.  She’s the level headed one who you can vent to about anything and she will not judge you. You feel so much better after your conversations with her. 

THE SPIRITUAL ONE

This is the one you can count on any time of day for a good word or prayer on your behalf. She’s the one that can feed the word to you and give you a bible verse to read that will help you in any situation. She’s your spiritual sister that keeps you on your toes, and empowers you to be still and listen. 

THE SUPPORTER

She’s the one, who no matter what you’re doing, you know you can call her and she will be excited for you. She’s your source of encouragement. Whether it’s starting a new business or writing a book… Whatever it is, she is going to cheer you on like no one else will. But she genuinely loves and supports everything that you do.

THE FUNNY ONE

This is the one that can make you laugh under any circumstance and about any situation. You know that when you are in need of a good laugh, you already have this friend on speed dial ready to go. She’s the one that everyone loves to be around and the life of any party because of her sense of humor. It’s hard for anyone to hate her. 

THE BLUNT ONE

This is the one that will tell you like it is, even when you don’t want to hear the truth. But she’ll tell you in a loving, sisterly kinda way ( and sometimes, she’ll just give it to you with no filter because the situation calls for it). This is the one that when everyone else is walking on eggshells around you (to avoid hurting your feelings), she’ll tell you exactly how she feels, take it or leave it.

THE MOTIVATOR

This is the one that motivates you to reach newer heights. She’s the one you see handling her business like a boss, and you are steady taking notes of her every move. She compels you to dig deeper and go after what you really want in life. She’s the one that inspires you to dust off your vision board and get back on track.

THE SENSIBLE ONE

This is the one you call when you want to do something you know you shouldn’t be doing. She’ll listen to your problems and talk you off the ledge. She’ll give you a different, more calm point of view for just about every situation (especially if it means keeping you out of trouble).

By TPW

MOVING ON FROM BAD RELATIONSHIPS

Sometimes we find ourselves in damaging relationships that we find it difficult to get ourselves out of. These kinds of relationships can have a tremendously negative effect on our mental, spiritual and even physical health and the longer we stay in them, the more dire the consequences can be.

Our involvement in such relationships isn’t always down to choice. For instance, a toxic relationship with a family member or work colleague who refuses to reconcile leaves us few options without taking drastic steps. But that doesn’t mean it’s any easier to distance ourselves from damaging friendships or intimate relationships. These can be just as hard to move on from.

Taking steps to distance ourselves from those who don’t have our best interests at heart can take time and a lot of effort. But our journey to moving past the pain can be made more manageable if we do (or avoid doing) certain things.

Here are four do’s and don’ts of distancing yourself from the damaging effects of bad relationships.

DON’T underestimate your value

One of the biggest mistakes that we can make when it comes to how we see ourselves is to underestimate our worth. Realizing that we deserve better and that better exists out there for us is an important step in distancing ourselves from those who only make negative contributions to our lives.

Sometimes people who hurt us use our past failures to define us but God is able to look past them and see us for who we really are. Viewing ourselves as God sees us will help us redefine our value in better terms.

DO extend forgiveness

The pain and hurt that we experience as a result of a damaging relationship can linger for a lot longer once we’re no longer in the relationship but are yet to forgive. Unforgiveness effectively tethers us to that toxic relationship way beyond its expiry date. We shouldn’t think of forgiving someone as a sign of weakness, it’s the exact opposite. It takes great strength to forgive, especially in circumstances such as these. We’re made stronger when we forgive because we’re no longer weighed down by the burden of anger and animosity towards the person that made us unhappy.

DON’T hold out for an apology

Waiting for someone to apologize stagnates us. It also shows that we’re not ready to forgive unless certain conditions are met.

We know that we can forgive without receiving an apology but sometimes we still put forgiveness on hold because we expect or feel that we deserve one. Forgiveness is an act which frees us so it makes sense that we don’t have to wait for someone else to do something in order for us to take matters into our own hands and move on. You can exercise your freedom and forgive in the absence of an apology.

DO build up your existing healthy relationships

Whether it’s because of a failure to spend time nurturing them due to the distraction of the damaging relationship or an inability to realize how necessary they are, good networks often suffer when someone is consumed by an unhealthy relationship.

It’s vital to have a positive support network on hand to help us rediscover our joy and what it means to be part of loving and uplifting relationships. Why not seek out any good friends which you’ve lost contact with and work to rebuild bridges with those who you neglected.

By TPW

5 REASONS HE HASN’T ASKED YOU OUT:

If you’re anything like many of the single women I’ve come into contact with, you have pretty much given up on the idea of being recklessly pursued by a man.

Forget the fairy-tale dream of being chased after in an attempt to win your heart.  Forget the love letters, the roses, the poems and songs.  Forget it all.

At this point in life, you’ll settle for about any sign of pursuit…heck, any sign of life from the opposite sex.

So what is it about these guys that is keeping them from pursuing you?  Why have so many men failed to step it up and make the move?

Though I can’t speak from a male’s perspective…I have spoken to a number of males and gotten a lot of feedback.  Let me fill you in a little on what some of them might be thinking:

1.  He doesn’t know you’re interested:  Ladies here’s the thing about us- we think we can read

everyone’s mind.  But believe it or not, that super-hero power doesn’t exist…and it especially doesn’t exist when it comes to the men in our lives.   The bottom line is that men don’t know what you’re thinking.  I’ve heard from numerous young men who would love to take the next step in a relationship but they feel like they are getting absolutely no “vibes” of interest from the girl they’re interested in.

If he hasn’t pursued you yet, maybe it’s time to show a little interest.  Don’t be afraid to say hello, start up a conversation, or make some plans.  You are just as capable of furthering your friendship with this guy as with anyone of your friends.  So go ahead and show a little love (and by a little, I mean a little.  We ladies have the tendency to go all out), and then step back and see what happens.

2.  He’s just not that into you:  So you went ahead and showed a little love, and still, nothing.  It’s time to consider the possibility that maybe he’s just not that into you.  I know a lot of women have the tendency to jump to this conclusion immediately, and start getting down on themselves wondering: Am I good enough?  Am I pretty enough?  Is there something wrong with me?

Here’s my conclusion with this whole thing.  Maybe it has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with him.  If he’s not that into you…then he’s not for you.  I always remind my single friends that at the end of the day, you want to be with someone who is just as crazy about you as you are about them.  Don’t force the fit with a man who doesn’t appreciate you just where you are at.  You are worth far more than that.  Maybe it’s time to consider moving on.  There are plenty of fish in the sea.  Wait for someone who views you as a catch worth finding.

3.  He’s afraid:  Believe it or not girls, some of these eligible bachelors are just as insecure and unsure as you are.  Afraid of rejection, of heart break, and of failure- it takes a lot of courage and confidence to go ahead and make a move, and some men aren’t there yet.

If you are worried your secret interest might be fearful, the best thing you can do for him is pray.  Ask God to give him strength and courage, pray for his heart, soul, mind and strength.  There’s nothing you can do to erase his fears besides prayer, because ultimately, fears are something that must be healed from within.  This is God’s thing if you know what I mean.

4.  He’s working through his own issues:  I think the biggest favor we can do for ourselves as women is to stop blaming his lack of pursuit on ourselves.  If he’s not asking you out, there is a good chance it has so much more to do with him, and so very little to do with you.  Many of the guys I’ve spoken to explained that their failure of pursuing a girl is a reflection of the fact that they are still getting their “stuff” together.  Figuring out his career, finding a good job, moving our from under his parent’s roof, dealing with past hurts, or getting right with God are just some of the things I’ve heard from men who are working out some things in their lives.

I applaud those men, because at the end of the day a healthy relationship begins with two people who have done some good solid work on themselves.  Those who are willing to put the work in up front will have so much less work to do when they are united with another in holy matrimony.  If he’s not ready to pursue you now then there’s a good chance it’s better he didn’t!

Take that as a sign and instead of waiting around obsessing over his next move, use your time to reflect on your personal journey.  What areas of your life need some focus?  Some healing?  Some work?  What goals should you be working toward?  Take some time to do some of this work in your own life.  Because healthy people will always make for healthy relationships.

5.  He doesn’t think the timing is right:  Sometimes timing can be a matter of perspective.  I remember the months of developing a friendship with my husband, wondering when would be the right time to take the next step and start dating.  Looking back, his idea of the right time, and my idea of the right time were totally different.

But in reflecting at my story I also know this: God’s timing for our relationship was so outrageously right.  There were so many things that could have gone wrong had the timing been anything other than what it was.  I think what it comes down to is that the only One who really knows what good timing means, is the inventor of time Himself.  Seek to connect with God, to know His heart, and ask Him to lead both you and your certain interest to just the right time in just the right way.  God is good and opening the doors for things that are right, and closing them hard for things that are not.

Above all else single ladies, more than trusting a man to do the right thing at the right time…trust God to lead and guide your life and the life of your future spouse in exactly the way that He sees best.  After all, He is the Master Matchmaker.   He can surely be trusted.

 by Debra Fileta