10 Girls You Should NEVER Date

Healthy relationships are a two-way street. Two people, each becoming the best they can be for themselves, and for one another. From my perspective as a relationship therapist, you are the only one responsible for the kind of person you date.

So for all the men out there, here are 10 girls you should NEVER date (unless you’re looking for a relational train-wreck):

Ms. Barbie Girl

You know exactly who I’m talking about, don’t you? This is the girl that’s “too-perfect-to-be-real”, and that’s because she probably isn’t. If you don’t recognize her by her “augmentations” you might recognize her by the fact it takes her 3 hours to get ready, the ridiculous amount of time she spends looking in the mirror, the 5 inches of make-up on her face (and maybe even body…), or the way that she has to look “just perfect” in order to go anywhere or do anything, including a trip to the gym, or a run to the grocery store. I’m all for a woman looking presentable, and I am a fan of my makeup, but let’s remember that true beauty never starts on the outside, it always runs so much deeper. Be on the lookout for THAT kind of unfading beauty.

Ms. Flirtatious

This one right here will win you over with her seductive glances and her flattering words. But the problem you’ll start noticing is that her flirting isn’t contained to just you. The glances she gives your waiter, the way talks to your roommate, or the way she giggles flirtatiously at your best friends jokes. It’s one thing to be flirtatious as an avenue of affection within a relationship, it’s a whole other thing when you’re marked by your flirtatious way. Recognize this one quickly, because what you see here is what you’ll get.

Ms. I’m Sexy and I Know It

It’s great to have self-confidence as a woman, but that’s not what I’m talking about here. In fact, this woman often feels so insecure about herself, that she uses her body to gain affirmation from men. In other words, she flaunts her stuff to anyone who’s willing to look. While her seduction might draw you like a magnet, you’ll quickly realize that it’s also drawing everyone else, too. And one thing I’ve learned from my husband about men, is that one of the most attractive things about a relationship with a woman is the exclusivity of that woman being “only his”. So find a woman that shows she’s “all yours” by respecting her body and reserving it for the proper time.

Ms. Nothin’ In There But Air

One of the most beautiful things about the early stages of relationship is the mystery involved. Little by little you get to know one layer at a time, revealing heart, mind, soul and spirit. But as you peel back the layers of this particular woman, you’ll realize that…there isn’t too much there! This is the kind of woman who hasn’t really taken the time to know herself, know her beliefs, or know what she feels or thinks. She’ll likely default to your preferences, your beliefs, your relationship with God, and even your interests. While this may seem to make life easy at first, the lack of mystery and depth will wear you down, because a healthy relationship involves two unique identities- not just one trying to mimic the other.

Ms. Gold-Digger

She loves your car, she loves your career, and she loves your cash. But does she really like you? You’ll recognize this one quickly, because she’ll take all she can get from you, and give very little back in return. She’s looking for security more than she’s looking for a significant relationship. Say bye-bye before your cash runs out.

Ms. Overly Critical

I think this is the worst of all the women you could date. According to proverbs, a woman like this is like the sound of a leak dripping: constant, annoying, and problematic!! And just like a leak, this woman will DRAIN you, and leave you questioning your value, your significance, and your worth. You’ll never feel appreciated under the constant cloud of criticism. First, see the good in yourself, and then find a woman who can do the same.

Ms. Bossy-Pants

This one will micromanage your entire life. She’ll have an opinion about how you should spend your money, chew your food, iron your clothes, and maybe even how you should change your personality. The thing about this woman is that she’s a control-freak. And one thing I know about control freaks is that deep down, they feel like they have no control in some area of their life, and so they take it out on their relationships. This habit is not one you can “out learn”, in fact, it takes a lot of time, introspection, and work. So step away from this relationship, and give her the time she needs to heal, to learn, and to grow.

Ms. Wishy-Washy

A woman like this will take your heart on quite a ride, because she doesn’t really know what she wants. One moment she’s into you, and the other moment she’s confused and wants to take a step back. This internal struggle is not going to be resolved anytime soon, so do yourself a favor and find someone who’s just as into you as you are into them. Healthy relationships are marked by peace, not by constant doubt and regret.

Ms. One-Way-Street

This princess thinks that somehow, relationships are all-about-her. She may even wrongly believe this is a “biblical” approach to relationships. In other words- she expects you to do all the work, and to put in all the effort while she sits back and reaps the rewards. The sad part is that sometimes this mentality is wrongly perpetuated in some church circles, as the men are expected to be the “leaders” while the women are the “followers”. That might work for some guys, but for others, this lack of reciprocity in a relationship eventually becomes draining. You need a woman who will pour into you, as much as you pour into her.  Who will sharpen you, as you sharpen her. Who will challenge you to become better, while you do the same for her. The best relationships are made of two people- each giving their best to one another.

Ms. Drama-Drama-Drama

Drama with her momma, drama with her best friend, drama with her boss at work. This gal is characterized by drama everywhere she goes, and she tells you all about it. But the drama isn’t necessarily the dangerous part in this kind of woman, it’s the underlying belief that it’s always everyone else’s fault. This woman is to be avoided because she doesn’t understand the meaning of taking ownership and responsibility of her life and relationships. And trust me, that blame-game will quickly become a part of your relationship, too.

With that in mind, let’s all be mindful of the reality that relationships aren’t about finding perfection– we all know that doesn’t exist. But they are about finding imperfect people, who realize their flaws and weaknesses, and are working to become better and better with each and every passing day.

3 Undeniable Laws of Success

It is an unfortunate reality that most schools don’t teach learners how to succeed at life in a realistic and practical manner.

Sure, an elaborate understanding of Mathematics and Science can open many doors but when challenged with real life problems, most of us crumble and fall into stagnancy.

What I care to share with you today are the laws of success that often go overlooked. These are the laws that celebrities and entrepreneurs obsess over on a daily basis which brings about ridiculous success and rewards. If you’re sick and tired of being stuck in a loop of failure and mediocrity, this post is for you!

Without further ado, here are the 3 undeniable laws of success.

1. You Have to Show Up Daily

Part of why some people achieve the impossible whilst others look on in disbelief is because they show up every single day despite every reason not to.

Look, you’ve seen it happen time and time again. Someone who wouldn’t strike you as special comes along and does what everyone didn’t even bother attempting. You brush it off as luck and move on with life. But, guess what? It wasn’t luck! It was deliberate.

Despite all the negative thoughts and opinions surrounding a particular objective, the people who show up in an attempt to succeed are the ones who usually succeed.

You can chalk it down to pure luck or chance but the fact of the matter is that for as long as you show up each and every day, the possibility of success immediately changes from impossible to possible.

For as long as you don’t try, impossibility is a reality. This form of impossibility has nothing to do with circumstances preventing a goal or dream from being realized but from self-imposed limitations.

You can only get better at something or unlock rewards by being present. When the opportunity arises to accomplish the impossible, you’ll be the one reaping the rewards because you showed up when everyone else didn’t.

“Success doesn’t chase you, you chase success.”

2. Hard Work Is Non-Negotiable

Once you show up and an opportunity arises, what do you do? Getting by on the bare minimum will only generate the bare minimum results. The best results in life require the best effort you have to give.

Are you familiar with the notorious fighter Conor McGregor? He’s the first man to hold two championships at the same time in the UFC. Not only has he accomplished something nobody else has but he’s made millions of dollars at the same time.

Many people attribute his success to luck or talent but in reality, it all boils down to hard work. If you don’t believe me, listen to what he had to say in an interview, “If you put in the work to become number 1, you will become number 1. If you put in the work to become the runner up, you will become the runner-up. I put in the work to finish first!”

If a millionaire, record-breaking and double champion attributes his success to being a workhorse, shouldn’t we take that at face value and adopt his attitude to success?

What this means is that despite a lack of natural born gifts and talent, someone who is willing to work harder than anyone and everyone else has a fighting chance at being the best in the world!

Look beyond the bare minimum. When I was in high school, all I wanted to do was have fun. So, when it came time to prepare for examinations, I aimed for a passing grade. Most of my results were a reflection of my intention.

I worked for average results and I attained average results. However, when I entered University and started studying Law, things changed. A desire to achieve great results wrapped itself around me and I attempted to do something I never did before – work hard.

Rather than aim for simply passing, I set my sights on those 80 – 90% grades. I hit those grades in quite a few of my modules! The ones that weren’t in that percentage category were often in the 65 – 79% category.

I went from 50’s during my high school years to 70’s, 80’s and 90’s. This growth can be attributed to the following 4 fundamental changes:

1. An attitude and mindset adjustment.
2. Higher minimum requirements.
3. Maximum effort at studying.
4. Daily sacrifice.

I showed up every day, set ‘my minimum passing grade’ to be much higher than the average passing grade, put in the work and most importantly, I sacrificed time-wasting activities that were once fun for hard work and success.

In the end, it paid off when I was on stage accepting my Bachelor of Laws degree this past April. If there’s one thing I learned, it’s that hard work, even in the face of obstacles, can overcome all adversities in life.

3. Momentum Trumps Motivation

There will come a time in every new venture when motivation depletes and the only thing that keeps you marching forward is momentum.

Unlike fleeting emotions like motivation and inspiration, momentum relies solely on movement and/or progress.

If you’re familiar with the cumulative effect, you would know that by simply taking action over and over again, you accrue small but significant results that add up to create a big reward over time. Similarly, when you take action on a daily basis, the movement or progress you make from previous attempts carries you forward day after day.

After some time, it feels second nature to partake in the activity you’ve been consistent at. Ask anyone who has exercised for longer than 4 weeks, they can attest to the principle of momentum.

The first few days of starting an exercise regimen are physically, emotionally and mentally brutal. If you were to stop after the first day, all the soreness and cramps last for many days, even weeks. However, if you exercise the next day even though you feel sore, mid-way through the workout all of that clears up.

By the next day, you wake up feeling less sore and less exhausted. The more you do it, the stronger you become and the less noticeable is the pain and suffering.

Momentum brings about this wonderful phenomenon. Do something for long enough and the results accumulate. During this accumulation of results, the side effects reduce drastically until it’s mostly invisible.

Rather than relying on erratic emotions, engage in motion and movement to truly accrue results and success. While everyone else is waiting for the perfect moment to get started, you’ll be the one achieving your goals and dreams.

When I was tasked with studying thousand-page-long books on Law, many times I felt overwhelmed and challenged. Time was never on my side and I could never find the perfect moment to get started. I could have waited until it was too late but I quickly realized that hard work will never feel easy.

I couldn’t rely on emotions because their erratic nature left my future up in the air. The only thing that guaranteed progress was sitting down at my desk, opening those textbooks and working through one page at a time.

The more pages I worked through, the less overwhelmed I felt because progress was visible. What seemed impossible no longer did.

If I Can, So Can You

The most pivotal message you can take away from this article is that if someone with autoimmune diseases and a lack of talent can achieve his goals and succeed in his ventures, so can you. There’s no excuse for why you can’t be successful at meaningful objectives in your life.

Everyone has problems and circumstances that make achieving success difficult. You merely have to work around those circumstances and rely on brute force to achieve your greatest desires.

Excuses are for quitters. Ditch them and embrace these 3 undeniable laws of success. If you do, there’s no telling what you’ll be able to accomplish in the near future!

15 Things You Should Know About Marriage

In just a few days, my husband John and I will be celebrating our 10 year marriage anniversary!

It seems so short and yet sooooo long at the same time. We’ve been with each other through some of our most formative years- and have together experienced the most significant moments of each other’s lives. We’ve walked with one another through some incredible highs, and through some difficult lows. We’ve changed, grown, matured, fallen, failed, conquered, succeeded and have learned so many things together.  Yet the greatest lesson we’ve learned, is that there is so much still left for us to learn.

As we’ve been reflecting over the past decade of our marriage including changing

careers, moving 4 times, and having 3 children, we had to chuckle at some of the lessons we’ve learned the hard (and sometimes awkward) way. There are so many things about marriage that we had no clue about while we were single. Here are some things we wish we would have known about marriage…but by God’s grace, we’re learning along the way:

1.      Attraction grows. In the next decade you’ll both put on weight, acquire grey hairs, and welcome the world of post-marriage (likely even post-baby) body. But don’t fret. Because even as your body fades, your desire for one another can continue to grow brighter and brighter. Be sure to keep fanning that flame…because genuine attraction is made up of so much more than just the physical.

2.      Conflict is a healthy part of marriage. It’s important to learn how to fight fair, to express your feelings in a constructive way, and to learn how to forgive often. Conflict breeds communication, and communication can breed heightened intimacy. So take advantage and fight well.

3.      Your sex life takes up a small fraction of your relationship. But it’s a really important fraction because it has the power to connect you emotionally, psychologically, physically, and spiritually. So protect it while you’re single, and then learn to make the most of it in marriage.

4.      Your spouse’s family will likely have a huge influence on your life and marriage– so know what you’re getting into because who you choose to do life with can bring barriers or blessings.

5.      Contrary to what the movies say, you will NOT sleep romantically intertwined and interlocked with your spouse all night long, so do yourself a favor by investing in a large, comfy bed and getting a good night’s rest! People tend to argue less when they’re well rested 

6.      Believe it or not, research shows that the longer you’ve been married the less time you actually talk. Make communication important by scheduling time to just sit and talk.

7.      Unlike in soap operas and movies, marital sex takes work, practice, selflessness, and a whole lot of patience to perfect. Don’t expect to get it right away, but know that you will in time. Let go of the pressure to be perfect and just enjoy the practice!

8.      No matter who you marry, someday you will probably wonder if you’ve married the “right person”. Be assured- you have (from the moment you said “I do”). So do whatever it takes to fight for what you have and to turn it into something beautiful.

9.      True love between two people has very little to do with how you feel, and so much to do with what you do thereafter. Learn the actions of love, and practice them often (aka every moment, of every day). Always choose to protect your marriage.

10. No matter what conflict you are facing, 100% of the time you have a responsibility in it. Learn to take ownership of your own flaws right here, and right now, long before you point the finger.  It will always work out better in the end.

11. Most of marriage is made up of the monotony of day-to-day routine. So marry more than just a lover. Marry a best friend, a partner, a co-worker, and a true companion.

12. Opposites do attract, but then they have the tendency to attack. Learn to work through your differences and always appreciate the beauty of your spouse’s uniqueness. It’s likely what drew you together in the first place.

13. Your past has a huge impact on your present relationships, so learn to look inward. Working through your past wounds has the ability to bring so much healing to the here and now. Take the time to take care of yourself.

14. Marriage can’t bring you purpose, healing, or security– but it can bless you, challenge you, and enrich your life in so many ways. Keep your expectations grounded in reality. You’ve been given a spouse, not a super-hero, a help-mate, not a healer.

15. Your relationship with God has the power to bring you closer to one another in powerful ways. Learn to love out of the overflow of God’s love for you. It will likely change your life, and in turn, your marriage.

Here’s to the next decade with my beloved. May God continue teaching us, shaping us, and drawing us closer to each other with each passing day and through each coming lesson.

And here’s to all of you, whether married or single: May God continue shifting your expectations of marriage and relationships to become more and more in tune with His.

by Debra Fileta

10 Types of Guys You Should Never Date

No matter who you are, how desperate you feel, how long you’ve been single or how badly you’re looking for a date, please do yourself a favor and avoid these 10 guys like the plague:

Mr. Not That Into You

I don’t know what it is about this guy, but let me warn you- he’s addicting. There’s just something about the “unknown” (does he like me, or not?) that keeps you guessing and coming back for more. You can recognize him in that he knows how to talk the talk, but his actions never seem to follow-suit. But the biggest problem with this kind of guy is that he’s using you for as long as you’ll stick around. So do yourself a favor and don’t stick around.

Mr. On Again & Off Again

This guy will do anything to get you to stay on his roller-coaster ride of up and down emotions. One moment you’re “the one” and the next moment he’s confused, confined, and non-committal. What you need to know about this guy is that this isn’t a “phase”, it’s a glimpse of the rest of your life. Talk about some serious nausea. Time to get off the rollercoaster- or better yet- never get on.

Mr. Out of Sight Out of Mind

This guy is sweet, charming, flirtatious, and basically everything you imagined him to be, while you’re around. But when you’re not around? Well, he’ll be that same sweet, charming, and flirtatious guy with the next girl. For him, it’s not about commitment, it’s about the moment. That’s definitely not a guy you can trust. Ever.

Mr. Keepin’ My Options Open

Oh yeah, he says he’s interested. He might even tell you he’s in love. But then why can’t he let go of his past? Why do you find yourself worried about who else he’s interacting with, and how he’s interacting with them? With the right guy there are no options- there are only relationships. And healthy relationships can only develop and progress when the focus is on one person at a time.

Mr. Let’s Get Physical, Physical

The thing that makes me crazy about Mr. Physical is that he’s SO OBVIOUS…yet so charming. He makes you think that he’s really into you- when all the while his primary focus is on what he can get from you. But even with his obvious advances and fixation on the physical, you’ll find yourself making excuses, giving more and more of yourself until it’s too late. Recognize him quick, and once you do, make a quick break. Don’t get stuck in the physical, because healthy relationships are built on so much more than this.

Mr. Sorta Spiritual

This is the nice guy most girls would fall for. He let’s you choose everything because he wants whatever makes you happy…even when it comes to your spiritual life. He may go to church on Sundays, have good morals, and even say the right things. But deep down, he’s only sort-of spiritual. His life has hints of Jesus (or so you tell yourself), instead of being DEFINED by Jesus. Don’t just settle for a God-fearing man, look for a Jesus-loving man.

Mr. I Don’t Wanna Grow Up

This guy will make you feel more like his mom than his girl. He’ll have you taking care of him before you even know what hit you. And you’ll like it, because it will make you feel important. But what you don’t realize is that a relationship with this guy is sure to be one-sided. So until he’s ready to put down the video games, pay his own bills, and do his own laundry…it’s time to move on to bigger…and “more mature” things- no matter how hot he is. You deserve a partner- not someone who needs a parent.

Mr. All About Me

He may or may not be the kind of guy who’s obsessed with his looks- but one thing is for sure, he’s obsessed with himself. He has all the answers and wants to date a girl who will just nod her head and smile. He doesn’t care what you want, or even who you are, because he makes all the choices and his preferences always trump yours. Stay far away from this guy, and look for a man who is marked by humility and selflessness…because only that kind of man can love you like you deserve to be loved.

Mr. Track-Record

You know all about his history. In fact, this guy has quite a reputation with the ladies. So why on earth did you convince yourself that things would be different with you? This guy will leave you with a broken-heart- just like he left the string of girls before you. Come to terms with the reality that you can’t change him with your love…or with anything else for that matter. Instead, find someone who you can love for who they are– not for what you hope them to be.

Mr. White Lies

A relationship built without honesty, is really no relationship at all. I don’t care if he’s lying about his age, his past, his family, or the color of his car….a lie, is a lie, is a lie. But most importantly, early on in a relationship it’s a big red flag. This guy is marked by a pattern of dishonesty and little white lies. Lies about things that might not even matter. But what matters is the habits that are being formed, and the facade that’s being maintained. A man who has nothing to hide becomes a safe place in which a woman can hide her heart. Look for that kind of a man.