12 Days of Christmas LOVE Challenge! (Saying I LOVE YOU without words)

“On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me….”

There are lots of ways to say “I love you” during the holidays, aren’t there? And according to the above Christmas song, even a couple breeds of random birds are enough to do the trick!

But truly, Christmas is the greatest “I love you” all.

It’s the ferocious “I love you” from the throne of heaven, because it’s about a God who became man just to show us His love in a tangible way.

He could have sent anything- but He sent Jesus, a demonstration of Love.

What an amazing time of year to not only reflect on this great Love, but to allow it to motivate us in how we love others. So many times in life, we give love in hopes of receiving love. We encourage our spouse, hoping to get some encouragement in return. We make time for a friend, expecting that they will also make time for us.

But what if we used this time of year to love like God loves us; to give unconditionally, freely, and without expectation.

Often times we default to simply saying “I love you”- when in reality, there is no love like that of demonstrative love- a love that gives, sacrifices, and serves.

I thought it would be fun to spread the love this Christmas season by presenting you with the 12 Days of Christmas Love Challenge.

If you’re married, consider taking this challenge to love on your spouse.

If you’re single, consider showering love on someone significant in your life.

Either way, the challenge is for you. It’s a way to demonstrate the unconditional love of Jesus- who loves with no expectation of receiving. You can start this challenge at anytime, but if you want to take it through Christmas Day, be sure to start on December 14th. Each day you’ll be given a special way to demonstrate love.

The challenge is meant to cost little-to-nothing, and take just a few minutes of planning ahead. The idea is that showing love doesn’t have to be extravagant- it just has to be authentic. So join me this Christmas as we shower some love on those we love the most.

12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS LOVE CHALLENGE

Day 1: The song of love! Today, choose a meaningful song and share it with your loved one. It could be a love song, an encouraging song, or something that will get them to laugh. Give it to them on CD, send it in an email, or post it to their Facebook.

Day 2: A kiss is worth a thousand words (real kisses, or chocolate kisses). If you’re married, shower your spouse with kisses today at unexpected times and places. It’s easy to fall into the habit of routine hello and goodbye kisses. Today, focus on showing physical affection and kissing your spouse throughout the day.

If you’re single: Shower your loved one with chocolate kisses!! Buy a bag of Hershey’s Kisses and leave it in an unexpected place for your loved one to find and enjoy. Who doesn’t love a little sweetness in their day?

Day 3: Purchase a small gift under N5000, but something meaningful and thoughtful that demonstrates love and describes your loved one in some encouraging way. Write out a sweet tag to go with it explaining the meaning for the gift. Examples: Lotion for someone who has “hard working hands”. Candy for someone who is full of sweetness. A journal for someone who has had helped you write the story of your life.

Day 4: Set aside 30 minutes today to do something FUN that your loved one would enjoy. Choose something you can do together. Examples: A board game, making a meal together, going for a drive to look at Christmas lights, or something else (Married couples- get creative here….*hint hint*) Use this time to connect and have fun and make it your own.

Day 5: Focus on verbal affirmations today to show your loved one love and appreciation. Stay away from the over-used phrases of “thank you” and “I love you”, that often get said without thought. Instead, choose your words wisely and make a goal of offering at least 5 affirmations throughout the day. Focus on things they DO, but also, focus on who they ARE. Examples: “I really appreciate how hard you work for our family”- “Your smile brightens my day” – “You have so much wisdom, and I always appreciate your advice” – “You’re such a great example of generosity” – “Something I love about you is….”

Day 6: Go text crazy! Go the extra mile and send your loved one text messages throughout the day to show your love, or simply to make them smile and laugh.

Day 7: Pray for your loved one today. Ask God to give you specific things to be praying about pertaining to your loved one, and then ask your loved one how you can be praying for them throughout the day. Be deliberate about bringing their requests and needs before God. Some ideas: Pray that they would increase in wisdom – Pray for their emotional and mental health – Pray for strengthening of their relationships – Pray that they would be walking in God’s will for their life – Pray against any temptations and struggles they are dealing with.

Day 8: Serve your loved one today by doing something simple and practical. Examples: Bring them a cup of coffee. Cook them a special meal. Clean out their car. Fix something that needs to be fixed. Finish a chore they don’t like to do. Watch the kids so they can have an hour to relax.

Day 9: Give them God’s Word. Choose a special passage of Scripture that describes your loved one, or reminds you of your loved one. Ask God to reveal to you what they may need for that day. Write it down or type it out, and then give it to them today. Meditate on this scripture throughout the day and ask God to fulfill those words in the life of your loved one.

Day 10: Post your Love! Not just on Facebook or Instagram, but in real life. Grab a pack of post-it-notes and leave inspirational little notes anywhere you can think for your loved one to see. Examples of things to post: Favorite verses, encouraging quotes, positive words of encouragement, jokes, drawings.

Day 11: The gift of yourself. Today, choose one thing that you want to work on in your friendship/relationship as you seek to show love. This may require an apology, or even a confession, but seek to choose one thing you want to “do better” as you seek to show love to the best of your ability. If you’re really brave, ask them to share something that they would like you to do as you strive to love them better. Examples: I’m sorry I haven’t been as encouraging as I should be, I want to encourage you more. — I want to be a better listener, and it’s something I promise to work on.

Day 12: A Christmas Letter. Today, write a handwritten letter for your loved one and put it in an envelope as a special Christmas present. Use this letter to share your heart. Take the opportunity to say things you may not say often, and let them know how much they mean to you. Allow your words to reflect the love that is in your heart. Trust me, this letter will be something they treasure and refer to often.

4 Ways to Look Available–Not Desperate

What can a single person do to make themselves look available for a relationship, without looking desperate?

You’re Single. You’re approaching your mid-twenties, mid-thirties, and maybe even mid-forties as a single young adult.  You want to look available for a relationship, because it seems like everyone around you is getting ushered into the world of love and marriage, while you find yourself wondering if you will ever find the one.  You’re torn between trusting God to bring you the right one- and working it in the world of love and dating.

So, how exactly does a single young adult make themselves look available for a relationship without seeming too desperate?

The only way to avoid looking desperate is to stop believing that you are, because a person will appear as desperate as they feel.  The more fixated you are on finding love and obsessed about entering marriage, the more desperate you will appear, because eventually, the things that you think about most start seeping into every part of your life for the whole world to see.

Here are some ways to stop fixating on your fears and begin focusing on your future:

1.  EXCHANGE YOUR FEAR FOR TRUST:

When you are driven by fear, you live a desperate life. In an attempt to save your future from the fear of isolation, you can find yourself taking control of everything and everyone in your life.  Fear can drive you to make harmful choices.  It can push you to give your heart away too quickly and cause you to take risks you were never intended to take.  The first step to being gracefully available is in exchanging your fear for trust in God- trusting that He knows the way, and that His plan for your life is always what’s best.  Exchanging fear for trust will ultimately free you to live abundantly rather than desperately.

2.  GET INVOLVED IN THINGS YOU LOVE: 

The best way to meet a potential match is to get out there and do what you love.  Find activities and passions that resonate with your heart, because there, you will find people who connect with your heart.  The best relationships are made up of two people with similar passions and shared interests.  Invest in the kind of places that will draw you to these kinds of people, all the while quenching your heart with the things you love the most.

3.  BE OPEN TO MAKING NEW FRIENDS:

Christian young adults can be terrified of male/female friendships.  Afraid of risking a broken heart, or looking inappropriate to the innocent passerby, it’s easy to avoid friendships that could very well be the foundation of finding a future mate.  Take off the pressure of getting married, and be open to making friends.  Whether or not these friendships lead to marriage, they can lead to encouragement, sharpening, and an all-around broadening of horizons.

4.  DON’T BE SHY ABOUT SINGLENESS: 

It’s okay to spread the word about your singleness, in fact, I recommend it!  Don’t hide from the fact that you are not in a relationship, embrace it.  There will be a time and place to give your life to another, but until then, focus on giving your life to the world around you.  Singleness is a time of growth, maturity, and learning about yourself- things are easy to miss out on when you are focused on finding the one.  Don’t lose yourself in the pursuit of love, rather take the time to find yourself.

At the end of the day, love happens at the right time, because God’s watch is always spot-on.  God knows where you are at and is perfectly in tune with you need.  Following Him will only get you closer to that place.  Until then, trust Him, pursue your passions, make friends, embrace singleness- and enjoy the ride.

For all you know, love might just be right around the corner.

BE STILL

How to Guard Your Heart From “Emotional Sex”

When it comes to Christian relationships, guard your heart is probably one of the most common bits of advice. But what does it mean to guard your heart?

Emotional Boundaries are Just As Important as Physical Boundaries

How far is too far?  I’m sure it’s no surprise to hear that I get asked this question all the time from well-meaning young adults, looking to set up some boundaries in their relationships. But why is it that when we answer this question, we tend to fixate on the physical?

Don’t get me wrong, as a professional counsellor and as someone who has gone through the world of dating, I think the question of physical boundaries is really important and requires some serious thought and consideration.  It’s important to put mental time and energy in questions like this and to set your limits within a dating relationship.

But is the physical the most important thing?

It seems to me that our Christian society can get so fixated on the “physical” aspects of intimacy, that we neglect the emotional and spiritual boundaries that can be just as binding and just as devastating in the end. 

There is some deep power in emotional intimacy, more power than we give it credit. More powerful than a kiss, more seductive than an embrace, there is something that happens when two people connect emotionally. 

Something that has the capacity to outweigh even the physical.  A sort of “emotional sex” that can be just as harmful and heartbreaking, when it moves too deep, too fast.

My friend learned this the hard way.  She decided not to “date around” but instead wanted to wait until she felt that dating would definitely lead to marriage.   As wise as that decision may have been at the time, when she finally did start dating in her late twenties she went too deep, too fast.  She had been holding onto her emotions for so long that when she finally entered into a relationship she let the flood gates open.

But here’s the thing about dating in an emotionally healthy way- it’s important to make sure that your emotional relationship is growing proportionally to your level of commitment. She felt so connected to him, that when their relationship ended up not working out- she felt so confused, empty, and incredibly hurt.

Let me point out a few things to consider in order to avoid the pain of premature emotional bonding in a dating relationship– a relationship that may never translate into marriage.

Here are 3 ways to guard your heart:

1.  PLAY TOGETHER….DON’T PRAY TOGETHER:

It might sound contradictory to your Christian beliefs.  We’ve always been taught that prayer is such an important part of any relationship.  I know of so many couples who started their relationship by investing time in deep spiritual prayer with one another and spending time in God’s word together.  While this sounds well and good…in my opinion, it’s actually a really dangerous road to travel at such early stages in a relationship.

Seeking the heart of God and pouring out your heart and soul to Him through prayer is one of the most emotionally vulnerable places you will ever be.  It’s essentially like being spiritually naked because before God, you hide nothing emotionally.

It’s good to pray about your relationship and to seek God’s voice, but WAIT to seek it together. In the early stages of dating, seek to pursue God as an individual before allowing your relationship with Him to become a trio prematurely by including your significant other.  There will be a day for deep and intimate spiritual unity…but it’s not now.

Your dating relationship in it’s early stages is meant to be a time of getting to know each other, and learning all the superficial things you can know before taking it to the next level. Use this season for just that!  Don’t go too deep too fast, because the emotional intimacy that comes with deep shared moments like this can actually pull you in far deeper than you were ever meant to go, and in the end, leave you with a broken heart…and a broken spirit.

2.  KNOW WHEN TO OPEN UP AND WHEN NOT TO:

Dating is such a special time.  It’s a time to really get to know someone and invest in who they are.  It’s a time to let your guard down a little at a time and begin to share the truths of who you are.

But that’s the key word.  A little…at…a…time.  When you enter into relationship, you should be at a point in your life where you are ready to be open, ready to share, and ready to communicate.  But there should always be limits to this kind of openness.  There are times to be open and share your heart–but, there are also times to withhold.

I don’t recommend sitting down at your first date and spilling every detail and secret in your life.  Relationships should be seen as a journey of building trust.  You build a little at a time.  You give a little at a time.  Lay the foundations first, then begin building the house.  Be real, be genuine, and be honest- but never without the anchor of boundaries and the weight of wisdom.

3.  AVOID TALKING ABOUT COMMITMENT, BEFORE YOU’VE ACTUALLY COMMITTED: 

There is such a temptation to talk about the future when you’re dating.  You want to dream together, to envision the future together, and to create this world up ahead to live for.  I think there is a time and place for this kind of discussion.  Later on in a relationship it’s important to be on the same page and to have a similar outlook on what is to come relationally.

But let’s be honest…that conversation should not be happening early on in a dating relationship.  It’s a problem when people commit to things far beyond the place they are at relationally.  It’s a problem when you commit to the future, before you’ve actually committed to the present (Tweet It!)

Take your time, allow your relationship to go through the necessary seasons before you allow your conversation to jump ahead.  Because where your conversation goes…your heart will go, too.

We always hear Christians saying “guard your heart”.  It’s become so cliche that I’m afraid that phrase may have actually lost it’s significance. God knows how fragile our hearts can be, and he begs us to take the time to protect them, to watch over them, and to take care of them.  But guarding your heart does not come in the form of some magical process or spiritual language…it is practical, every day decisions.

Guard your heart…because out of it, flows your entire life.  That’s legit. 

Proverbs 4:23:  Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.

MARRIAGE IS WORK

Far too many singles are out there trying to find their perfect match.

Because let’s be honest…it’s far more romantic to dream of finding that person who will complete your life, rather than to imagine a relationship that involves time, energy, and investment. But good relationships will always require work.

No one wants to hear that marriage takes work.

In fact, there have been numerous articles trending encouraging us to STOP SAYING that relationships take work. Because it’s discouraging. And scary. And defeating to hear.

But to stop saying that a good marriage takes work, would be to live in a delusion. That’s like saying becoming a doctor, or a teacher, or an Olympian doesn’t require any work. Anything of value takes time, energy, and investment. It requires work. I believe that the goal of this type of conversation isn’t to SCARE people away from marriage, but to PREPARE them for what it entails.

A good marriage isn’t about finding the perfect person, it’s about working to create the best relationship you possibly can.

And the process of creating something beautiful, will always take work. Ask any artist. Ask any writer. Ask any musician.

That’s why, when, in a Hollywood culture that tends to portray relationships as over-the-top romantic gestures and passionate one night stands, it was refreshing to see this article floating around by US Magazine where Dax Shepard confessed that marriage takes work. Here’s what he told US Weekly:

“We don’t believe in The One. We don’t believe in the fairytale. We don’t believe that you can meet someone and you have a perfectly matching personalities. We are opposites and it has taken a tremendous amount of work and therapy for us to coexist.”

I’m thankful for this much-needed reality check about relationships, from a couple that’s adored by so many young fans. Because a good marriage takes work. And anyone who tells you otherwise is living a lie.

I’m not saying that marriage is always hard. And I’m not even saying that the work is always hard.

Because so many times, the work of marriage – communication, connection, intimacy – is delightful. But to discount the fact that there is also hard work involved, would be to present a one-sided picture.

To say that marriage doesn’t take work is like saying running a marathon is easy. Who on earth would ever be naive enough to say that? To run a marathon well, you’ve got to do the work. You’ve got to train, to sweat, and to run with discipline – whether you feel like it or not. There might be days when the practice is easy on a beautiful sunny day with a perfect breeze. But there are going to be other days when you don’t feel like running, or training, or practicing. And that’s when the work of running a marathon has to really kick in. That’s when you decide how bad you want this thing, and choose to do the work to get to the goal.

You can only get to the win by doing the work.

Marriage is much the same. To do marriage well, you’ve got to do the work. You’ve got to communicate, connect, give, forgive, and sacrifice with discipline – whether you feel like it or not. There will be easy days, when the practice is easy and your love is shining bright. But there will also be other days, when you don’t feel like loving, connecting, and forgiving – or even feel like you’ve got nothing left to give. But that’s when the work of marriage really kicks in. That’s when you decide how bad you want this thing, and choose to do the work to get to the goal. 

You can only get to the win by doing the work.

And much to people’s surprise, just because you are a Christian, doesn’t mean you’re automatically going to be good at marriage. You have to work at it just like anyone else. “Happily Ever After” is a path you have to forge, not a road you accidentally stumble upon. 

As Dax later went on to say, “[Relationships] are labor intensive. If you want them to last they are labor intensive.”

So many times marriage is good work.

And often, marriage is hard work.

But if you’re expecting anything less than work, than you might not be ready for marriage. And I won’t apologize saying that.

By Debra

Marriage Isn’t About Your Happiness

According to recent statistics, the average couple today spends N1500000 on a wedding. That’s a lot of money, but it’s nothing compared to the REAL cost of marriage. Because like it or not, marriage will cost you MORE. It will cost you something great. It will cost you a price much larger than the money you spend on a ring or a wedding or a honeymoon: it will cost you yourself.

I heard a married man on TV say (regarding whether or not he was going to stay in his own marriage), “I shouldn’t be with someone if I’m not happy…” and it made my stomach turn. 

What an accurate reflection of the self-centered society we live in, everyone believing that their main goal in life is THEIR OWN personal happiness. What a small and shallow way to live.

If you’re getting married with that as your main goal, to make yourself happy, you will be disappointed in a severe way.

Marriage is not about your happiness, it’s not even about you. It’s about LOVE – which is something we choose to give time and time again. It’s about sacrifice, serving, giving, forgiving, and then doing it all over again.

No wonder we choose divorce over commitment…because most of the time, we’re choosing “personal happiness” over real commitment….over real love.

They say marriage teaches you more about selflessness than you ever wanted to know. I have definitely found that phrase to be true in my relationship with my husband. Because at the heart of it, real love is all about sacrifice. About the giving of yourself, in ways big and small. That’s what marriage will cost you.

It’s about offering forgiveness when you’ve been hurt.

It’s about giving your time though it’s not always convenient.

It’s about sharing your heart when you’d rather hold back.

It’s about cleaning the kitchen after a long weekend, even if it’s your least favorite job.

It’s about choosing to respond with love when you’d rather respond in anger.

It’s about offering a listening ear, when you’d rather tune out or go to bed. 

It’s about putting someone else’s needs and desires before your own.

It’s about giving up that last bite of cake, just so your spouse can enjoy it.

It’s about laying down your rights, to make way for the rights of another.

The list could go on and on, but it always ends with the same formula:

WE > ME

That’s what marriage will cost you. 

We live in a world that DESPISES the sacrificial side of marriage…and tries to wish it away. They teach to strive for power, control, and the upper hand in a relationship. They tell us to do what feels right, and not to tolerate anything less. They fool us to thinking that love is about doing what makes us happy.

And the second we feel less than happy, they encourage us to bail….to abandon ship…and to stop investing. 

But they’ve got it all wrong.

Because the more we give, the better we become.

Real love is not self-seeking…and it will ALWAYS cost you. More, and more, and more. It will cost your heart, your time, and your money. It will cost your comfort, your rights, and your pride. It will cost you to “lay down your life” for the life of another. And only those who learn to die to themselves are the ones who get to experience the resurrection power that comes with it.

Signs You Need a Break from Social Media

There’s no denying that social media has a powerful role in our lives and personal relationships.  It helps us stay connected, spread information, and share our stories with one another in a really unique way.

But isn’t it safe to say that many times – instead of adding to our lives, it begins to take over?  I know that there are times in my life that I’m guilty of this. Even as I write this post, I am increasingly aware that my life is slowly creeping back in that direction.

It’s easy to get to a place where we want to post about the moments of life more than we actually savour those moments.

Maybe you’re aware of this tendency in your own life.  If so, consider the following signs that maybe it’s time for a social media break:

11.  You’ve actually said the word “hash-tag” out loud in a conversation.

10.  You’ve started formulating your thoughts in the form of a Status Update or Tweet.

9.  The majority of your socializing during the week requires the use of an electronic screen.

8.  The first thing you do when you wake up–or the last thing before you fall asleep — is check social media.

7.  You have been known to interrupt conversations with real life people or stop an actual social interaction to post a photo, tweet a quote, or update a status.

6.  The first urge you get in a moment of down-time is the urge to “check” the Social Media happenings.

5.  You’ve been known to peek at your phone while driving–just to see what’s going on.

4.  You go on with the intention of a quick look- but it quickly turns into an hour or more and devours your time.

3.  The main reason you know what is going on in your friend’s lives is because you’ve read about it- not talked about it.

2.  You find your emotions and self-esteem are either elated, or depressed- based on your experience online.

1.  Your online life is starting to have a negative impact on your real-life relationships.

If you find yourself caught up in one or more of the above list- than maybe it’s time to step back for a while and take a break.  While that might mean unplugging for an evening, a day, a weekend, or even longer–more than simply unplugging from social media- it’s a deeper call to plug back into real life.

It’s important to make sure that we are using social media as a way to enhance our lives- rather than allowing it to become life itself.