How to Guard Your Heart From “Emotional Sex”

When it comes to Christian relationships, guard your heart is probably one of the most common bits of advice. But what does it mean to guard your heart?

Emotional Boundaries are Just As Important as Physical Boundaries

How far is too far?  I’m sure it’s no surprise to hear that I get asked this question all the time from well-meaning young adults, looking to set up some boundaries in their relationships. But why is it that when we answer this question, we tend to fixate on the physical?

Don’t get me wrong, as a professional counsellor and as someone who has gone through the world of dating, I think the question of physical boundaries is really important and requires some serious thought and consideration.  It’s important to put mental time and energy in questions like this and to set your limits within a dating relationship.

But is the physical the most important thing?

It seems to me that our Christian society can get so fixated on the “physical” aspects of intimacy, that we neglect the emotional and spiritual boundaries that can be just as binding and just as devastating in the end. 

There is some deep power in emotional intimacy, more power than we give it credit. More powerful than a kiss, more seductive than an embrace, there is something that happens when two people connect emotionally. 

Something that has the capacity to outweigh even the physical.  A sort of “emotional sex” that can be just as harmful and heartbreaking, when it moves too deep, too fast.

My friend learned this the hard way.  She decided not to “date around” but instead wanted to wait until she felt that dating would definitely lead to marriage.   As wise as that decision may have been at the time, when she finally did start dating in her late twenties she went too deep, too fast.  She had been holding onto her emotions for so long that when she finally entered into a relationship she let the flood gates open.

But here’s the thing about dating in an emotionally healthy way- it’s important to make sure that your emotional relationship is growing proportionally to your level of commitment. She felt so connected to him, that when their relationship ended up not working out- she felt so confused, empty, and incredibly hurt.

Let me point out a few things to consider in order to avoid the pain of premature emotional bonding in a dating relationship– a relationship that may never translate into marriage.

Here are 3 ways to guard your heart:

1.  PLAY TOGETHER….DON’T PRAY TOGETHER:

It might sound contradictory to your Christian beliefs.  We’ve always been taught that prayer is such an important part of any relationship.  I know of so many couples who started their relationship by investing time in deep spiritual prayer with one another and spending time in God’s word together.  While this sounds well and good…in my opinion, it’s actually a really dangerous road to travel at such early stages in a relationship.

Seeking the heart of God and pouring out your heart and soul to Him through prayer is one of the most emotionally vulnerable places you will ever be.  It’s essentially like being spiritually naked because before God, you hide nothing emotionally.

It’s good to pray about your relationship and to seek God’s voice, but WAIT to seek it together. In the early stages of dating, seek to pursue God as an individual before allowing your relationship with Him to become a trio prematurely by including your significant other.  There will be a day for deep and intimate spiritual unity…but it’s not now.

Your dating relationship in it’s early stages is meant to be a time of getting to know each other, and learning all the superficial things you can know before taking it to the next level. Use this season for just that!  Don’t go too deep too fast, because the emotional intimacy that comes with deep shared moments like this can actually pull you in far deeper than you were ever meant to go, and in the end, leave you with a broken heart…and a broken spirit.

2.  KNOW WHEN TO OPEN UP AND WHEN NOT TO:

Dating is such a special time.  It’s a time to really get to know someone and invest in who they are.  It’s a time to let your guard down a little at a time and begin to share the truths of who you are.

But that’s the key word.  A little…at…a…time.  When you enter into relationship, you should be at a point in your life where you are ready to be open, ready to share, and ready to communicate.  But there should always be limits to this kind of openness.  There are times to be open and share your heart–but, there are also times to withhold.

I don’t recommend sitting down at your first date and spilling every detail and secret in your life.  Relationships should be seen as a journey of building trust.  You build a little at a time.  You give a little at a time.  Lay the foundations first, then begin building the house.  Be real, be genuine, and be honest- but never without the anchor of boundaries and the weight of wisdom.

3.  AVOID TALKING ABOUT COMMITMENT, BEFORE YOU’VE ACTUALLY COMMITTED: 

There is such a temptation to talk about the future when you’re dating.  You want to dream together, to envision the future together, and to create this world up ahead to live for.  I think there is a time and place for this kind of discussion.  Later on in a relationship it’s important to be on the same page and to have a similar outlook on what is to come relationally.

But let’s be honest…that conversation should not be happening early on in a dating relationship.  It’s a problem when people commit to things far beyond the place they are at relationally.  It’s a problem when you commit to the future, before you’ve actually committed to the present (Tweet It!)

Take your time, allow your relationship to go through the necessary seasons before you allow your conversation to jump ahead.  Because where your conversation goes…your heart will go, too.

We always hear Christians saying “guard your heart”.  It’s become so cliche that I’m afraid that phrase may have actually lost it’s significance. God knows how fragile our hearts can be, and he begs us to take the time to protect them, to watch over them, and to take care of them.  But guarding your heart does not come in the form of some magical process or spiritual language…it is practical, every day decisions.

Guard your heart…because out of it, flows your entire life.  That’s legit. 

Proverbs 4:23:  Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.

MARRIAGE IS WORK

Far too many singles are out there trying to find their perfect match.

Because let’s be honest…it’s far more romantic to dream of finding that person who will complete your life, rather than to imagine a relationship that involves time, energy, and investment. But good relationships will always require work.

No one wants to hear that marriage takes work.

In fact, there have been numerous articles trending encouraging us to STOP SAYING that relationships take work. Because it’s discouraging. And scary. And defeating to hear.

But to stop saying that a good marriage takes work, would be to live in a delusion. That’s like saying becoming a doctor, or a teacher, or an Olympian doesn’t require any work. Anything of value takes time, energy, and investment. It requires work. I believe that the goal of this type of conversation isn’t to SCARE people away from marriage, but to PREPARE them for what it entails.

A good marriage isn’t about finding the perfect person, it’s about working to create the best relationship you possibly can.

And the process of creating something beautiful, will always take work. Ask any artist. Ask any writer. Ask any musician.

That’s why, when, in a Hollywood culture that tends to portray relationships as over-the-top romantic gestures and passionate one night stands, it was refreshing to see this article floating around by US Magazine where Dax Shepard confessed that marriage takes work. Here’s what he told US Weekly:

“We don’t believe in The One. We don’t believe in the fairytale. We don’t believe that you can meet someone and you have a perfectly matching personalities. We are opposites and it has taken a tremendous amount of work and therapy for us to coexist.”

I’m thankful for this much-needed reality check about relationships, from a couple that’s adored by so many young fans. Because a good marriage takes work. And anyone who tells you otherwise is living a lie.

I’m not saying that marriage is always hard. And I’m not even saying that the work is always hard.

Because so many times, the work of marriage – communication, connection, intimacy – is delightful. But to discount the fact that there is also hard work involved, would be to present a one-sided picture.

To say that marriage doesn’t take work is like saying running a marathon is easy. Who on earth would ever be naive enough to say that? To run a marathon well, you’ve got to do the work. You’ve got to train, to sweat, and to run with discipline – whether you feel like it or not. There might be days when the practice is easy on a beautiful sunny day with a perfect breeze. But there are going to be other days when you don’t feel like running, or training, or practicing. And that’s when the work of running a marathon has to really kick in. That’s when you decide how bad you want this thing, and choose to do the work to get to the goal.

You can only get to the win by doing the work.

Marriage is much the same. To do marriage well, you’ve got to do the work. You’ve got to communicate, connect, give, forgive, and sacrifice with discipline – whether you feel like it or not. There will be easy days, when the practice is easy and your love is shining bright. But there will also be other days, when you don’t feel like loving, connecting, and forgiving – or even feel like you’ve got nothing left to give. But that’s when the work of marriage really kicks in. That’s when you decide how bad you want this thing, and choose to do the work to get to the goal. 

You can only get to the win by doing the work.

And much to people’s surprise, just because you are a Christian, doesn’t mean you’re automatically going to be good at marriage. You have to work at it just like anyone else. “Happily Ever After” is a path you have to forge, not a road you accidentally stumble upon. 

As Dax later went on to say, “[Relationships] are labor intensive. If you want them to last they are labor intensive.”

So many times marriage is good work.

And often, marriage is hard work.

But if you’re expecting anything less than work, than you might not be ready for marriage. And I won’t apologize saying that.

By Debra