LET'S TALK PORN

No one likes to talk about sex in the church. When I was growing up, the only thing I was taught was “don’t even think about it until you’re married”.

When I found myself in school, the struggle got really real, real quick!

I knew sex was for marriage. That I did know. But watching a little porn every now and then wouldn’t hurt right? WRONG!

Many people say that when they hear about someone who is addicted to pornography, they automatically think it’s a man. Pornography is not just a man thing. In fact, it’s becoming more and more common with women. Christian women to be specific.

As for me, It started out being an occasional thing. Then it went from an occasional thing to an everyday thing.

At some point, I knew it had gotten out of control. But I was too embarrassed to tell anyone and too proud to get help. I was determined to tackle this thing on my own. After all, it’s not that big of a deal right? ***sigh*** Boy was I wrong!

Here are helpful tips for the Christian addicted to pornography.

1. SURRENDER TO GOD

I secretly battled an addiction to pornography for years. At times, I felt like I wasn’t saved because this recurring sin kept me in bondage. I felt hopeless to overcome it, until finally one day I surrendered.

Amazingly, God took that desire away, and I am pornography free today. I was freed from this powerful stronghold by surrendering it to God. Victory is only possible by surrender: surrendering to God.

God promised to give us a new heart and new desires, writing through the prophet Ezekiel, “I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh” (Ezek. 36:26).

God will do just that, giving us a new heart with new desires, a desire to obey Him.

2. GET AN ACCOUNTABILITY PARTNER

Don’t be embarrassed to confess your sins.

The Body of Christ needs one another, and one example is a married friend of mine. I needed to be held accountable for my addiction to porn, so she volunteered to become my accountability partner.

She wanted me to call her every few days to report how my week was going.

I would have to tell her if I had been into pornography again or if I had remained free from this sin during the week.

If I was watching porn and then I lied to her about it, I’d add more guilt upon myself by adding lying to her. It just wasn’t worth it.

Having someone to reach out to and be accountable to, can help. I called my accountability partner whenever I was being tempted so we could pray together.

3. FAST AND PRAY IT OUT

In the Scriptures where Jesus taught the disciples how to pray, He included in this prayer, “And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one” (Matt. 6:13).

So we can pray for deliverance from the sin of pornography. Jesus saw lusting in the heart as being like adultery (Matt. 5:28), and pornography is certainly lusting in the heart.

We need to fall on our knees before God for His Spirit to strengthen our resolve to resist this temptation and deliver us from the evil one.

The enemy would love nothing more than to keep us in this pigpen of sin so that our faith would be shaken.

4. SET BOUNDARIES

Pluck Out the Eye… This sounds harsh, but when Jesus said “if your eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life with one eye than with two eyes to be thrown into the hell of fire” (Matt. 18:8), He was speaking in hyperbolic language or using extreme exaggeration to make a point.

His point is to take extreme measures to get rid of the source of the sin, so if you get your source of pornography on the Internet, get rid of it, or at least find someone you trust to help you set up an Internet filter that’s password protected.

PORNOGRAPHY HAS NO POWER OVER YOU!

Every one of us is still sin (1 John 1:8, 10), but every one of us can confess our sins and be cleansed from all of our unrighteousness, including pornography (1 John 1:9).

God doesn’t want us to wallow in our sins but to struggle and overcome them.

The good news is that if someone is battling an addiction to pornography and they hate it, that gives clear evidence of the Holy Spirit’s working in them. It’s good to be in a battle over it because this shows their heart’s desire is to live a holy, pure life before God.

Lessons Learnt From My Ex-girlfriends

While a lot of guys may not be so quick to admit it, I have been dumped by some women over the years. Perhaps you have, too; maybe not. Either way, I'm a firm believer in learning from the mistakes of the past and other people.

With that in mind, I'd like to share some things that I have learned from the women who have dumped me, in the hopes that it will help your relationship go more smoothly.

Lesson #1: SHARE AND SHARE ALIKE
What this means is that each person is likely to blame the other for the break up. But the truth is that you both contributed to the break up in some way. By taking an honest look at what went wrong, and your role in it, you can make a conscious effort to avoid making the same mistakes in the future.

Lesson #2: WOMEN STILL NEED THEIR SPACE
As a guy it may seem that women always like to snuggle and cuddle when they are around. But they also need some time alone. To make things worse, a lot of guys can be possessive and try to know what their partner is up to at all times.

And if you have had a woman that was unfaithful in the past, then this tendency is even stronger, however, by doing this you are showing distrust, and no relationship can survive in that kind of atmosphere. 

So, even though it can be hard, do your best to let your girlfriend do the things she likes to do, and don't feel that you always have to give her the third degree about what she's doing.

Lesson #3: TIME HEALS
The first few days after a break up are the absolute worst. After that, you will start to come to terms with what happened. Sure, there will emotional ups and downs, but it will get easier as time goes on.

If it doesn't, then it may be a good idea to see a qualified counselor to help you. You can also use this pain in the future by reminding yourself it's easier to work on the tough problems while you are in the relationship than to suffer through a break up.

Lesson #4: ACCEPT THE FACTS
When first starting a relationship, you may feel as if you have found your soulmate. You were even imagining a wonderful future together, and may have even talked about it.

But, over time, things start to go downhill. You start to wonder what you ever saw in her, and she probably feels the same way about you. Then you break up. 

Now you don't just feel bad about splitting up, you also feel bad about missing out on the future you imagined. However, remember that it's better to end things now if it really wasn't meant to be.

Lesson #5: HAPPINESS ISN'T AN ACCIDENT
To put it another way: Relationship doesn't happen like that, it takes work. You can't just let stuff happen to you, you have to take responsibility for making it what you want it to be. This may be the most important lesson of all.

To Be Continued...

BUT THE GREATEST OF THESE IS LOVE PT. 4

Rue sighed as she stared out the window and admired the beautiful sunset. Reliving memories was where she found solace, it was her happy place. She picked up from where she left off and decided to audio journal. Rue tapped the record button on her laptop and began talking…

“For years I enjoyed the prestigious lifestyle my boyfriend offered me. I foolishly believed him when he told me that he would marry me. Well, that never happened because he dumped me. As usual, I ran to my best friend and cried nonstop on his shoulder. He assured me that he wasn’t going anywhere and everything would be okay. His comforting words made me cry even harder because I knew that he had every right to say: I told you so. He told me to leave that guy because this would happen. I heard him, but I didn’t listen. He held me a little tighter and let me cry until I tired myself out and given myself a terrible headache.”

He saw in me the hidden parts of my soul that even I couldn’t see.

“For as long as I can remember, my late husband was always a part of my family; he and I were truly best friends. He was the very voice of reason that I needed, but always objected because his truths went against every selfish want and desire I welcomed into my life. He saw in me the hidden parts of my soul that even I couldn’t see. He never gave up on me and continuously pushed me to become a better version of myself, holistically. He encouraged me to never settle for any form of  mediocrity in my life.”

“After my breakup and throughout my healing process, he refused to allow my spirit to remain broken. He spoke words of  affirmation over me and words of life into my soul. He prayed over me when I couldn’t express to God what I was feeling or even thinking. He covered me; if it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t have healed. My healing process lasted for three years; on the day of  my restoration, he asked me to enter into a committed relationship with him. We dated and when I was ready to commit to him in marriage, he proposed and married me.”

Rue continued to record her thoughts. “By this time in my life, I was able to see the potential he saw in me all along. I was no longer afraid of possibly failing if I stepped out on faith. This life, my new life, became my reality! I was ready to walk in my purpose boldly and unashamedly. The best part of it was having by my side the man who saw things coming into fruition for me many years before they happened. God allowed me to marry my best friend, and I loved my husband with every fiber in my body.”

I didn’t love him for what he could do for me. I loved him for everything he was to me throughout my lifetime.

“Society loves to place a gauge on love and marriage. You see, when you set the bar low with boundaries and stipulations in your marriage, you diminish the institution in its entirety. Your minimum efforts becomes your highest standard and anything done above that level: you label as ‘putting in hard work.’  Now you’re wondering: Is he really worth it…Is she really worth it? Do I want to remain with her or Do I want to remain with him ‘til death do us part? All of this points to value and whether or not you value your mate.”

“Individually, each person chooses how to solidify their marriage. For us, God solidified ours. We maintained our relationship with Christ individually and as a unit. This key component led us to understand the importance of valuing one another. The value my late husband and I placed on each other was high and neither one of us had a desire to step outside of our marriage. I can say this because we discussed this with one another honestly and openly. We accepted and loved one another for whom we were individually, not for whom we needed to be according to society’s list of guidelines…”

The tap on Rue’s bedroom door interrupted her recording. Naima opened the door, peaked her head in and whispered, “He called you, so I invited him over….he’s dressed  nicely and is waiting for you in the guest room.” “Who?” Rue asked. “Oh, and he’s joining us for dinner too,” Naima whispered. “Who!?” Rue asked. Naima smiled and quickly shut the door…

Look out for the next installment of this short story series.  

BUT THE GREATEST OF THESE IS LOVE PT. 3

I placed my fork down and finished chewing my food, then looked that man directly in his eyes and asked: “What did you say?” Feeling extremely confident, he repeated the questions verbatim: “If you could describe happiness, joy and peace in your life—how would you describe each of them? What activates these three emotions in your life daily? When determining what you will or will not allow in your life, do you consider how it will impact your happiness, joy and peace? If you do—why do you; if you don’t why don’t you? What is the source of your happiness, joy and peace? If you could build a new life around those three emotions, how would you go about doing so and ensuring they never fade?”

I tossed my napkin onto the table and through clenched teeth said to him: “I did not sign up for this nonsense. As a matter of fact, I am here tonight, only out of courtesy for Naima.” He stretched his hand across the table, gently touched my hand and said to me: “Rue, what did I say that made you so angry?” I snatched my hand away from his and shouted at him: “So you believe that facilitating some test is going to work for you? Source of happiness…joy and peace? No man, not even my late husband has ever asked me what makes me happy, joyful and peaceful. No sir, this that you’re doing right now, it will not work with me!”

By this time, he was on his feet staring at me with the most confused look on his face. What made me angrier was how clueless and concerned he was acting towards me—passive aggressiveness at its finest.
Bodie stared into my eyes and calmly said to me: “Rue, I asked you those questions for two reasons: the first reason is because I am very much interested in pursuing you and getting to know you, if you will let me.”

“The second reason is because you just started working for my company, so I want to capture everything you’re passionate about and custom-make a position that allows you to fulfill your dreams. I want to make you happy Rue. I should have been upfront and forthcoming with you regarding my intentions. I am sorry for not doing that and so sorry for offending you. Please forgive me.”

I heard everything he said but was too far gone in my state of anger. I quietly stood up from the table, grabbed my clutch purse and rushed past him out of the restaurant. He followed me out of the restaurant to the car and said: “Rue, if you would just consider coming back inside of the restaurant with me and talking to me, I know we can work this misunderstanding out. Rue…”

I jumped, no I threw myself into the backseat of the car that was waiting to take me home. I slammed and locked the car door before he could even reach for the door handle, then leaned my head back against the headrest as the driver drove off. Bodie was left standing on the sidewalk looking bewildered and shocked.

Immediately, my cell phone rang; it was Bodie. Instantaneously, I sent his call to voice mail and blocked his number from my cell. I closed my eyes and sighed as I thought about why this man’s string of questions made me so angry to the point I couldn’t answer them. Bodie’s questions exposed what I hadn’t taken the time to notice until now: my late-husband was the answer to each and every one of his questions.

Rue abruptly stopped typing, snatched her ear pods from out of her ears and wondered: has my joy, happiness and peace really been wrapped up in a man for all of these years!?

Look out for the next installment of this short story series.

How would you answer Bodie’s questions? Share in the comment session below!

Looking For True Love?

Many people tend to ignore this topic as they only care about the result, however, you can't achieve your desired result without knowing what exactly you are looking for?!

Give yourself a quiet moment now, stop thinking about your problems, as you are embarking on the journey to settle them all....

Often I heard people ask "How can I find my true love?" But how many of us really know what we are searching for?

How can you find something if you don't really know what it is?

I know there are also many couples who have been together for a long time, but even they are not so sure if they have found true love. So if you are single, feeling hopeless and lost, don’t be… You are really not alone.

There are thousands of different definitions about Love, I am not asking you to simply search for the definition, the exercise here is to trigger you to define your desired love. What kind of feelings, behaviors, situations and etc will make you feel in love? 

If you are not clear about it, even when love accidentally land on your lap, it will slowly leave again as you do not understand what it is asking and giving.

ACT Now: Get a paper and pen (no, not your Smartphone: you will only get distracted) and write down what true love means to you. Everyone of us have different definition, you don't have to get approval or permission from anyone only your heart!

After you finish the above, now start to think What Exactly Do You Want?

If you have already defined your own true love, you should define your ideal partner. Write down your own 'rules'.

I have heard people say: "actually i don't have criteria for my ideal partner, as long as she/he loves me, we are happy together!" 

BUT, sorry, it doesn't work this way! We all have certain criteria about our ideal partner, either we don't want to think about it or we don't want to admit it. By denying this lead many people to keep dating the "wrong person". 

When the relationship is new, you both might take your requirements lighter, however, for a longer time, you will start to blame or complain at each other for the 'things' you don't want in your love life. Many of us have this experience right? 

This is the problem if you are not clear about what you want at the first place! 

You don't have to list down everything about your ideal partner, but certain criteria, especially the ones that are essential to you. 

While some things on your list can be negotiable, you should also include a few ‘deal breakers.’

Only include the things that you truly and strongly feel about and might cause potential problem in your future relationships.

For instance, if you know for sure you want to have kids, it doesn’t make sense to plan a future with someone who doesn't want to have children at all. 

And a silly thought many of us have is to CHANGE the person, "if she/he loves me, she/he will change" Reality is not like this, doing so will only make both parties suffer.

If you already know she/he is not the ideal one you are looking for, don't force it! Don't settle for less, you deserve much better than you thought!

Think..

I really hope you enjoy today's mini exercise and truly hope you take them seriously. It is not rocket science, but many people don't tell you like this...

 

Feel free to let me know if you need any help on this too:) 

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BUT THE GREATEST OF THESE IS LOVE PT. 2

The continuous ringing of her cell phone jolted Rue from her deep sleep. She adjusted her eyes and realized that she was not walking into the kitchen to retrieve her purse and overnight bags while thinking to herself: What have I gotten myself into?

It was exactly a year and a half later to the date of her big move, and she had been dreaming about it. Rue picked up her cell from off the nightstand, turned off the alarm and saw that there were ten missed calls from Lavelle. She rolled her eyes in disgust, grabbed her laptop off the nightstand and blurted aloud: A whole year wasted! At that moment, there was light tapping on Rue’s bedroom door; it was Naima. Rue was not in the mood to talk to her; she opened up her laptop, plugged in her ear pods and began journaling:

Last night started off amazing, but it ended horribly! I hate feeling like this. Why did I put myself out there with Lavelle? What in the world was I thinking!? I just need to start from the very beginning so that I can figure out where I went wrong.

After taking a month to get settled in, I finally allowed Naima to introduce me to Bodie, my late father-in-law’s relative. How they are related, I do not know, Naima never explained that part to me. Now when I took one look at him, immediately I thought: nope, it won’t work! He’s out of my league. A person of Bodie’s caliber comes with outside attention and messiness. In the past, I was in a relationship with a man who was ‘Bodie’s type’; it took me years to get over that painful relationship. Naima was wrong, I’m not a perfect match for Bodie. He could never love—only me nor could he ever be faithfully married to me ‘til death do us part.

In spite of my thoughts, I allowed Naima to introduce Bodie to me.

After an exchange of pleasantries and surface talk, he asked me out. Out of respect for Naima, I accepted his invite; dinner was scheduled for a week later at one of the restaurants he owned. Well, a week later we had our first date and to my surprise, we were the only guests in the entire restaurant. It seemed like it had been taken straight out of one of those romantic-fairy tale movies. Everything was lovely and perfect, a bit too perfect, Strike One!

Past experiences have a way of granting dynamic instinct, and a perfect read on future prospects. No man impresses a woman like this without having some type of expectation. So I asked him, why did you do all of this for me? He said, “Rue, you are a beautiful woman—a Queen. Queens receive nothing but the best because they are royalty. That is what you are Rue, royalty. My goal tonight was to give you back your smile. Naima told me how you’ve been mourning your husband. I don’t know what it feels like to lose a spouse because God has never granted me a wife. My heart goes out to you because at times I too mourn; I mourn what I’ve never had—a wife to love…”

My heart goes out to you because at times I too mourn; I mourn what I’ve never had—a wife to love…

All of a sudden Bodie was interrupted by the musicians, who had started playing softly. Our main course was served and I began eating so I could hurry this evening along. I looked up from my plate, and he was just staring at me. It was a bit strange because his stare was more or less like an admiring gaze. No man other than my husband had ever looked at me like that; I didn’t know how to handle it.

So, I smiled awkwardly. Bodie proceeded to say: “If you could describe happiness, joy and peace in your life—how would you describe each of them? What activates these three emotions in your life daily? When determining what you will or will not allow in your life, do you consider how it will impact your happiness, joy and peace? If you do—why do you? If you don’t why don’t you? What is the source of your happiness, joy and peace? If you could build a new life around those three emotions, how would you go about doing so and ensuring they never fade?”

I stopped chewing my food and stared at this man with a blank look on my face as my inner me screamed ‘Time to Go!’

If you could describe happiness, joy and peace in your life—how would you describe each of them?

If you were Rue, what would you do? Stay tuned for the next part in this series.

TO BE CONTINUED....

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BUT THE GREATEST OF THESE IS LOVE PT. 1

Rue closed her eyes, slowly inhaled and exhaled, then whispered: I can do this. I can do this. I can’t do this as his scent permeated throughout the room and filled her nostrils. Every day consisted of a prayer asking God to grant her a day that would be much better than the prior one. Rue was having an extremely difficult time adjusting to life without her husband.

Early in the mornings, she would reach for him, only to find a pillow and an empty space on his side of the bed. In the evenings she anxiously waited for him to arrive home and call out to her, but he never did. Date nights, special occasions, milestones and holiday vacations were constant reminders that he was gone; that she was alone. After ten years of a wonderful marriage, being a lonely widow was not how she envisioned herself at this particular time in her life.

Rue opened her eyes and sighed at the thought of starting over and reminisced about the conversation that brought about this journey she was about to embark upon in this new season of her life. It was the sixth month anniversary of Rue’s husband’s death. Rue’s mother-in-law, Naima, informed Rue that she was relocating to her hometown. Upon hearing the news, Rue decided that she would relocate with her. Naima objected to Rue’s decision and insisted that she relocate to her mother’s hometown. Rue adamantly declined Naima’s suggestion and insisted upon relocating and residing with Naima. Naima saw how determined Rue was and accepted her offer. And so it was, the both of them sold their homes and purchased a new one six months from the day they agreed to relocate together.

Tears streamed down Rue’s face—she kissed her hand and lovingly caressed the areas of the bed where her husband used to lay and whispered: I miss you so much; I would give anything to hold you one last time and tell you I Love You. At that moment the doorbell rang. She stood up and wiped the tears from her face as she walked out of her bedroom towards the front door.

Rue opened the door and welcomed her mother-in-law and movers into her home. She went through every room in her home with the movers and pointed everything that needed disassembly before being packed into the moving truck. Afterwards, Rue walked over to Naima; she assured Rue that they would be so much better when they relocate. Rue looked at Naima, smiled wearily and shook her head in agreement. Rue knew that this move was the perfect solution to begin her healing process, but the sight of a decade of memories being carried out in boxes and bubble wrap stirred up a lot of emotions within her.

“I understand the hurt, pain and loneliness you are experiencing. I feel it too when I think of my late husband and both of my deceased sons. I know you loved my son and how hard it has been emotionally for you since his untimely death. Rue I am old and choose to remain a widow; you are young and need to start living again. It’s time; it’s time for you to move on. I have the perfect gentleman for you in my hometown. He is a relative of my late husband; currently single and has never been married. He is a well-established entrepreneur; I will arrange for the two of you to meet once we get settled into our new location. It’s time Rue; it’s time for you to move on with your life,” were the words that jolted Rue and caused her to abruptly turned towards Naima with her mouth agape open.

“It’s time Rue; it’s time for you to move on with your life…”

Rue stared at her mother-in-law in disbelief and thought to herself: I know she did not just say what I think she said! “Ma’am, this box I am carrying is the final item. The only items remaining are the bags you instructed us not to bother. We will be in the trucks ready to travel whenever you are ready to go,” the final mover announced to Rue. She diverted her attention from Naima to the mover and thanked him as he exited the house. Naima told Rue that she would be waiting for her in the car; Rue walked into the kitchen to retrieve her purse and overnight bags while thinking to herself: What have I gotten myself into?

by  LYNNETTE EASTER

TO BE CONTINUED....

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WHEN FRIENDSHIP TURNS INTO ROMANCE…

Valentine’s Day is coming – a day when we traditionally declare our feelings to someone we love. Perhaps you’re considering telling a friend that you’re interested in them romantically, but you’re not certain how they’ll react. Or maybe you’re pretty sure they share your feelings, but neither of you has found the courage to make the first move. When a friendship turns romantic, it’s natural to have mixed feelings – will it be awkward and embarrassing? Will it spoil what you already have? If you think a friendship may be growing into love (or you’d like it to), here are issues worth considering…

1. THE BEST RELATIONSHIPS ARE BUILT ON FRIENDSHIP

When you’re used to relating to someone as a friend, it can be hard to imagine being romantic or passionate with them. But a good friendship can be the best starting point for a healthy, loving relationship. Any happily married couple will tell you that, for a relationship to thrive and last, you need to be good friends, as well as romantic and sexual partners. If you’ve been pals for a while, you already know something of each other’s character and values, and care about the other’s wellbeing. That could be the foundation for a wonderful marriage.

2. YOU CAN’T TURN BACK THE CLOCK

Of course, there’s always the risk that a relationship won’t work out and, sadly, that can leave you with less than you had before. Once the nature of a relationship changes, it can be very difficult to go back to being friends (although some people manage it successfully). So yes, if you express your romantic feelings, you run the risk of losing a valued friendship. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t go for it, but it’s wise to be aware of the possible outcomes before making any rash moves, particularly if you’re not sure whether the other person feels the same.

3. DON’T FORCE WHAT ISN’T THERE

Perhaps a friend is pursuing something more with you, and you feel you owe it to them to give it a go, even though you don’t feel the same. Or perhaps you want a relationship so badly that you think you can change your feelings (or theirs) from friendship to desire. Sadly, this rarely works out well. A healthy, long-term relationship needs attraction and sexual chemistry on both sides. It’s not fair on either of you to move forward if the feelings aren’t there.

4. EXPECT IT TO BE AWKWARD FOR A WHILE

Maybe you’ve had feelings for this person for a long time. Perhaps you’ve never thought about it, and they’ve caught you by surprise by declaring their desires. Either way, if you decide to explore a relationship, it may feel strange, awkward and embarrassing to be sharing kisses and cuddles with someone you’ve previously viewed as a friend. That’s okay! Take it slowly and allow it to unfold naturally… if you’re right for each other, it’ll soon become your new ‘normal’.

5. KEEP IT DISCREET UNTIL YOU’RE SURE

If you share a friendship group or attend the same church, you can be sure that at the first whiff of romance, everyone’s going to take an interest in your new relationship. Knowing your every move is being watched and speculated about can put a lot of pressure on a blossoming romance. Some people in your circle may also feel uncomfortable, jealous or excluded by your changing relationship, and if it doesn’t work out, some may even take ‘sides’. So you may want to consider keeping your romance on the down-low while you work out your feelings and decide whether you have long-term potential.

6. ACCEPT THAT IT MAY NOT WORK OUT

While you may have had feelings for someone for a long time, you might have to face the painful possibility that they don’t see you as more than a friend. Or you may start a relationship, only to discover that, while you may be great as pals, you’re unsuited as partners. Failure and rejection are an inevitable part of the dating process – we all have to deal with it, sooner or later. If things don’t work out, treat your friend with kindness, respect and dignity, and move on. The right person for you is out there somewhere.