WHY NICE GUYS (MIGHT) FINISH LAST

There’s an entire Youtube music video dedicated to the idea that, within a romantic context, nice guys finish last. I probably saw it for the first time early in my college years. The video depicts a bunch of corny guys trying to learn from an instructor how to be bad since “you only date bad guys.” In the end, the guys only end up alienating their loves with their obnoxious behavior and reject the instructor. They win the hearts of their women by treating them kindly. The video ends well for the “nice guys,” but, when I first saw it all those years ago, it left me with a twinge of discomfort. Why is it said at all that, within romance, nice guys finish last? Why is it said that women like the bad boy?

The video gave me discomfort because, well, I was a certified, Grade A, irrevocable nice guy – and I knew it! I loved Jesus, studied hard, cared about people, loved little kids, preferred reading over sports, and intended to pursue any potential girlfriend in an honorable, godly way. Yep. Nice guy. So if nice guys finished last and I was a nice guy, that didn’t bode well for me did it? It almost seemed as though getting a girl and having good character were at odds. I would wonder at the, shall I say, worthless guys on campus that had girlfriends while I was incurably single. Don’t women want a man with character? How the bad boy could get the girl while the nice guy was left to pine was something that quietly perplexed me for several years.

Pay attention, men, because I’ve solved the riddle! Do you remember a particular scene in X-Men when Jean Grey is talking with Wolverine about their relationship? She says something intriguing. She says, “Girls flirt with the dangerous guy, Logan. They don’t take him home. They marry the good guy.” Her comment holds a clue to understanding the dynamics of attraction surrounding bad boys and nice guys. See how she expresses attraction toward both the bad boy and the nice guy? Both are considered attractive, but in different ways. The bad boy is fun temporarily, but the nice guy is desired for the long term. Why? Why is the bad boy fun only for a time? Why is the nice guy not fun in the beginning?

In certain schools of thought on romantic attraction you will hear about Alpha characteristics and Beta characteristics. As a man, you can possess both sets of characteristics, either set, or neither set (but hopefully that’s not the case!). Alpha characteristics are those personal characteristics that are quickly recognizable and immediately attractive. For men, confidence, humor, and dominance are often considered the main Alpha characteristics. Confidence causes a man to exude strength and stability. Humor makes him fun and enjoyable. Dominance sets him apart from the crowd as unique and commanding. Guess what? Women find these characteristics attractive. These are the characteristics the bad boy possesses. Consider Wolverine. He never doubted himself, never hesitated to confront someone, and had fun doing whatever he pleased. Naturally Jean Grey found him attractive…for a while. Beta characteristics are those personal characteristics that are not as quickly recognizable and are attractive when considering long term involvement. For men, core Beta characteristics are care, provision, and character. Care means you are genuinely concerned for your girl and make her needs a priority. Provision means you can provide for her needs (not just financially but emotionally, spiritually, etc.). Character gives you the maturity and personal growth to be a reliable and trustworthy partner. These characteristics make a man desirable when considering the long term. The bad boy might be fun at the beginning, but he’s not very desirable when you’re thinking about settling down or raising kids. That’s what Jean referred to when she said, “Girls flirt with the dangerous guy, Logan. They don’t take him home. They marry the good guy.”

Bad boys are fun for a while, but character is what a woman wants when the commitment chips are down. Nice guys aren’t as exciting, but they’re much better to live with for a lifetime. That’s why it may seem that nice guys finish last. Women want a man who has attractive Alpha characteristics. That’s why the bad boy often gets the girl. In the end, however, the bad boy may watch her walk away when he fails to be worthwhile. The nice guy could maintain a happy, healthy relationship…if he could only attract the girl to the relationship in the first place. Men who possess Alpha characteristics without Beta characteristics (the bad boy) may be fun and exciting, but they’re liable to be self-serving, unreliable men without much consideration for others. Men who possess Beta characteristics without Alpha characteristics (the nice guy) may be able to maintain a healthy relationship, but they are liable to be timid, uncertain, and lacking initiative.

So what does that mean for the nice guys out there today? What do you do when you feel like women look at you as though thinking, “He’s a great guy. He’ll make a great husband…for someone else.” First, understand that you don’t need to toss your Beta characteristics! Those are valuable! What you want to do is develop your Alpha characteristics alongside them. You don’t have to attempt a personality transplant. Just give attention to how you can practice traits such as confidence and initiative in a way that matches your unique personality. Bad boys, if you want to capture a woman’s heart for a lifetime rather than a limited time then be sure to develop your Beta characteristics. If you possess both sets of characteristics then you’re a keeper!

Want to know something? Jesus possessed both Alpha and Beta characteristics. He was confident, never shrinking from his mission. He was dominant, never backing down from his critics or the challenge of his message. But he was also caring, genuinely concerned for the wellbeing of all. He was a provider, attending to the material, instructive, and spiritual needs of his people. He had perfect character, using his power only for that which was good and righteous. If you develop both your Alpha and Beta characteristics then you can be sure you won’t finish last in romance! In fact, you just might find yourself the type of keeper a woman dreams of!

Men, if you found this post helpful please share it and follow the blog! Ladies, if you want more keepers in the world please share it too! 

I Like Him…What Should I Do?

One day she called me and asked to talk with me about something, so we met at a place for a private conversation. She confided that she had feelings for one of my friends. I knew the two of them had been spending time in each other’s company as friends, but I had no idea she had feelings for him. She then asked for my advice. She was caught between her feelings of romantic desire for my friend and the reality that he hadn’t, up to that point, revealed any interest in her. What should she do?

It’s not an unusual story in our modern culture. In our culture, men are expected to be the leaders and the matrimonial initiators. Women are expected to respond. So what does it mean if you’re a woman who has feelings for a single man who hasn’t shown any romantic interest in you thus far? I sympathize with the struggle. It’s painful to be gripped between the desire to have a romantic relationship with a person and the reality that such is not the case. Yet I have an advantage. As a man, I can express my feelings toward whomever I’m interested in without violating any social taboo. I might get rejected, but at least I receive a resolution to my interest. But what should be said for those expected to respond rather than initiate? Is there nothing more than to accept the tension between desire and reality with a stiff upper lip? What should Christian women do?

In The Bible

Throughout the vast majority of the Bible, the pattern of men as matrimonial initiators and women as responders is followed. There is, however, one dramatic, biblical exception to this pattern. That’s the story of Ruth and Boaz. Do you remember the story? Ruth is the daughter-in-law of Naomi, being the widow of Naomi’s son. They both lack father and husband. Ruth begins to practice gleaning in order to provide for her and Naomi. As she gleans, she meets Boaz, a relative of Naomi. Boaz is pleased with the faithfulness with which Ruth serves Naomi and treats Ruth with favor. Time passes as Boaz continues to give Ruth favor. Eventually, Naomi decides it’s time to act. She wants Boaz to marry Ruth. There is no man present to propose the marriage, so Naomi knows she must instruct Ruth to use an unconventional method to compel Boaz to pursue marriage.

There’s some uncertainty as to what precisely the text says happens in the story’s climactic scene. Naomi instructs Ruth to go to Boaz as he’s celebrating the barley harvest. She tells Ruth that once Boaz leaves the party and falls asleep to go beside him and uncover his “feet.” Some claim that “feet” was used as a euphemism for “genitals.” If so, then Ruth’s action is a startlingly obvious expression of her desire to become part of Boaz’s lineage. However, she makes her desire clear verbally as well. After Ruth uncovers Boaz’s “feet,” Boaz eventually awakes. Naturally he asks who’s lying beside him. Ruth says, “I am Ruth, your servant. Spread your wings over your servant, for you are a redeemer.” The expression of “spreading wings over” was used to refer to marriage. A redeemer was a relative of a widow’s deceased husband who would marry the widow in order to give her a family and future. Ruth is doing nothing short of asking Boaz to marry her. I don’t care about the precise interpretation of “feet” since the only difference is whether Ruth is being forward or extremely forward. Boaz immediately expresses his desire to marry Ruth. By the end of the story, Boaz settles the necessary business, he marries Ruth, they have a son, and, to borrow the cliché, they live happily ever after. So if a story of a woman taking initiative with a man is in the Bible, does that mean it can be a good thing?

In Life Today

The story of Ruth and Boaz isn’t the only one I’ve heard where a woman’s initiative resulted in a wedding. I once put out a query on Facebook asking my female friends what they thought of being a woman and expressing romantic interest in someone. Two offered their own stories of how they took the initiative in expressing interest and ultimately married the man of their desire. The first spoke with her man face to face. He too had feelings for her but was afraid to risk their friendship. The second’s feelings were made known indirectly through a network of family members and friends. The man decided to act when he learned of her feelings, and they ultimately married. I know of two other college acquaintances who began a relationship and ultimately married after the woman dropped a dead obvious hint that she was interested. He already liked her but thought so highly of her that he didn’t think he was in her league. Once he knew her feelings, he was happy to get moving. I share these stories to demonstrate the reality that initiative on the part of a woman CAN precipitate the beginning of a quality, lasting romantic relationship.

What About Men Leading?

At this point, however, an objection always rises. If a woman takes initiative with a man, doesn’t that take the man out of the leadership position and mess up the dynamics of the relationship from the beginning? Maybe feminine initiative can result in a relationship, but is that a wise way to seek it?

Let’s look back to the story of Ruth. Ruth took initiative to express her desire for Boaz. What happened immediately after that? Boaz immediately took the reins and started making plans. For the rest of the scene, he gives Ruth instructions on what to do. The next morning, after hearing what happened, Naomi tells Ruth, “Wait, my daughter, until you learn how the matter turns out, for the man will not rest but will settle the matter today.” Ruth’s actions didn’t smother Boaz’s leadership. They ignited it. As soon as Boaz understood that Ruth wanted him, he went off like a shot to do what it took to secure her hand in marriage. I don’t think Ruth spent the rest of her life having to wear the pants in their relationship. Even in the three modern day stories I shared in the last post, you can see a pattern that the woman’s expression of her feelings galvanizes the man to pursue her. The woman takes the initiative in revealing interest, but after that the man steps up as a leader. What you’ll want to avoid, ladies, is entering a relationship where you have to keep playing leader to a man who won’t step up. Do that and you may find yourself the unhappy codependent of a passive, so-called man. If your expression of interest prompts him to step up, good. If he wants you to continue to lead him around, beware.

Ladies, can I make a confession? As men, we hear all the messages about how we’re supposed to be leaders and initiators and have courage and pursue and, well, you know the drill. Want to know the truth? Sometimes we get intimidated. Sometimes we feel uncertain. Sometimes the shelter of friendship is temptingly safer than the risk of pursuing romance. Sometimes when we look at you and see how wonderful and beautiful and amazing and incredible and incomparable you are, we wonder how you could ever like us. Sometimes we’ve never looked beyond friendship with you, but when we pause and look deeper we see something worthwhile. Sometimes we’re happy to take the lead in romance once we get past those initial hang ups. Sometimes – SOMETIMES – when you take the initiative to express your interest, it’s the spark that ignites the rocket.

You Should Choose

So what does this mean if you like him and he hasn’t shown any interest in you? It means you have a choice to make. You can choose not to say anything and see if he takes it upon himself to pursue you. That’s an entirely valid option! I recall a conversation I had with a friend. Shortly after she began a relationship with a guy she had liked for a long time, I asked her what she would have done if he never had taken the initiative to pursue her. She said she wouldn’t have done anything. She decided that if he didn’t have the desire and initiative to pursue her, then she didn’t want to be with him. That’s a valid choice. In fact, the girl I mentioned at the beginning of this post, as far as I know, never said anything to my friend. I believe they parted ways and sometime later she began a relationship with another man. Parting ways with someone with whom you have romantic interest isn’t the end of the world. The other option is to take initiative to express your interest. But here I must give a word of caution.

If you take the initiative to reveal your interest then you face the risk of rejection. Just like a man faces the risk of being rejected by a woman he pursues, so you will be at risk of being turned down by the man to whom you express your feelings. That, I’m afraid, could be painful. When Ruth proposed to Boaz, she placed herself in an extremely vulnerable position. You will be vulnerable also. If the guy you like isn’t interested in you, odds are you’re going to be rejected. Yet how can you truly know if he has any interest in you unless you raise the subject? And even if you’re rejected, wouldn't that be better than holding out hope that one day he’ll pursue you?

There’s no clear answer. And please mark my words: I’m not saying that one particular choice is correct. I’m trying to examine whether the notion that a woman must always wait for the man to show initiative is as biblical or wise as it’s often portrayed. There’s both biblical and modern precedent that feminine initiative can produce positive results. Yet it can also yield painful rejection. Silent desire can be difficult to endure. Yet it may allow a match that’s not meant to be to quietly fade away. Perhaps patience will be rewarded when he finally expresses interest in you. Perhaps he never will. Even if you were to begin a relationship, there’s no promise that the two of you won’t later break up. Nothing is definite.

So how do you know what to choose to do? I’d say the first thing to do is make it a matter of prayer. Always seek the wisdom of your Father in heaven. He can give guidance for your particular situation. And you don’t have to make a decision on your own. Parents and trusted mentors may be able to give you wise counsel. Depending on the situation, maybe it would be better for your interest to be communicated through a family member or friend. Or maybe those who love you will rightly encourage you to remain patiently quiet. There’s no one choice that’s always right. There’s no promise of happily ever after. You have to choose what you will do. Pray and Choose Wisely.

What do you think? Share your thoughts in the comments!

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Mind Games Men Play In Relationships

Today, I want to share some thoughts on the common mind games guys play in relationships. Let me know if you agree with my perspective below:

Contrary to popular belief, not only women know how to play mind games. In fact, you may not believe how proficient some men are at playing mind games. 

A mind game can come in different forms, but one thing is always consistent; they are employed to play with the emotions. In this article, you’ll discover the mind games men play in relationships.

There are different reasons why a man would play mind games: it could be to test the loyalty, intelligence or, even the love of his significant other; or it could simply be fun for him; cruel as that may sound, IT IS THE TRUTH.

Some other men may play mind games as a means to an end; trust me this is even crueler because, they simply play their partners for what they have to gain, most times with little or, utter disregard for their feelings.

In as much as some of these mind games men play can be glaring, some people cannot see through it. And if care is not taken, it can lead to relationship problems that will create a whole lot of relationship drama.

Do not believe this? Let us check it out: Mind games that men play in relationships. And let us see how many you can identify with.

1. The Not Calling Game
I personally call this, the “who is more interested” game. This game can be rather torturous especially when you are emotionally invested. You may begin to question yourself and your feelings, wondering what you have done wrong or, even if you read the signs wrong.

The first thing you need to do is to relax. Chances are, he probably feels he is not important enough to you. He most likely just wants to know that he is important. At this point, what you want to do is to communicate and take initiatives to show him that he is, in fact, important to you.

2. The Silent Treatment Game
This is one of the most common mind games men play in relationships. For this one, I find particularly annoying and, I have noticed, tends to drive people over the edge. This is because women are communicative by nature and like to have a steady flow of conversation with their partners when this flow ebbs.

However when you begin to get monosyllabic responses; it immediately becomes a red flag. You begin to wonder what went wrong. The answer is nothing. This can be the way that he wants to know your endurance limit.

The best course of action at this point would be to hold out on him. Do not act needy, but, still, be sure to let him know that you care about him.

3. The Comparison Game
Now, I believe with all of my heart when I say this; nobody likes to be compared to whether male or female. And it is by far the worst form of mind game anyone can play on a girl, least of all her man.

Comparing her negatively to another girl is in simple form, highlighting her flaws, faults, and shortcomings. This could be a means of getting you to change for the better or, just to see how you fare under provocation.

The best option, do not let him provoke you, you need to have high self-esteem to stand on your feet. But you may also want to see if he does have a point though.

4. The Flirting Game
Ha! This is a multipurpose mind game. He may be doing this to get you interested by drawing out jealousy; also, he may be doing this just to play with you or; he may truly just want to move on.

For the first reason, you may want to just give him the attention he wants. That should be enough.

And for the second reason, you may want to let him know that you are on to him and, there is a limit to which you can tolerate it. Trust me; he will buckle up.

For the third reason, he is not interested; I’m afraid there simply is nothing you can do but to let him go.

5. The Secretive Game
Also known as the “how much do you care” game. This game is simply to know just how much you care about him.

He can come across as secretive and keeping things to himself; always wanting to be on his own. And he just wants to know that you care enough to be concerned. To this, do not push but, make it clear that you are genuinely concerned about him.

6. The No Sex Game
Men are very sexual creatures and, for them to suddenly develop a disinterest in sex, something has to be wrong. Chances are, he is doing this because he wants something sexually.

Now you would naturally get concerned, ask him what the problem is, and ask him for how you can fix it. This is where he brings up his demand without actually being demanding. 

In this situation, what you can do is show concern, but, do not be manipulated into something that you are not comfortable with. Read more about the truth about men and sex here: https://heartprintsplanet.blogspot.com/2016/08/all-guys-want-sex.html

7. The Ride Game
I detest this particular mind game because it can be so blinding. He is taking you for a ride, and you cannot see it. He constantly breaks your heart, ditches you at important moments, and then comes back months later with crazy stories about what happened; and you keep taking him back.

Sadly for this one, you cannot say that he is testing you in any way. He is simply not right for you. Ditch him and save yourself the next heartbreak and disappointment.

8. The Ignorance Game
You got that right; this is also a mind game that men play. He could go on ignoring you for days, just looking to judge your reaction.

And chances are, he may be genuinely busy and, may be unable to give you attention. Or he may just be testing your patience. Either way, patience is key here. Let your final decision be based on facts and not emotions.

9. The Whirlwind Game
This is what romantics are all about! Love at first sight and magical nights until slowly, he begins to grow tired.

This kind of mind game is the perfect game. He is the perfect man right from the onset until he simply is not. Therefore, it’s essential to know how to identify if he is a good man!

The key here is patience. Do not get overwhelmed by your emotions. Give yourself time to see if it is the real thing or if it is just an illusion. Trust me; you will be happier for it.

Find any of the above mind games men play that you could identify with? The mind games that man play go on from the space game to the no compliments game; however, it is really all just the same.

The important thing is to recognize these mind games for what they are, learn how to deal with them and if need be, toss them out.

PS: Simply comment and let me know your thoughts, I'd love to hear from you!

PLAY HARD TO GET - PART 1

If you’re in the world of dating – or ever were- I’m almost positive you've heard this bad dating advice at some point: play hard to get.

Act like you don’t like him, they tell you. Don’t look at him. Don’t talk to him. Don’t give him any attention.

Don’t return her call right away, they say. Wait a while and make her think you’re not that interested, because then she’ll want you even more.

Before I go into why this is really bad dating advice, let’s back up a minute.

There is something to be said of the “hard to get” mentality. There’s a psychological component here we have to understand.

Many times, it does solicit a response, because human nature is to want something even more when we feel like we can’t have it. Something subconscious inside of us moves us toward wanting what we perceive we can’t have because it proves to us that we are capable of getting it. It’s like a game, and when we can win the “prize” we feel good about ourselves.

But the problem with playing “hard to get” is two-fold:

#1: Playing hard to get encourages seeing the relationship like a “game to be won” rather than a genuine commitment to a person.

When you play hard to get, you might get a response from the other person but like I mentioned before – the response is more about the game than it is about the player.

Because by playing hard to get, you’re encouraging the unhealthy approach to relationships that sees you as the “next trophy to be won”, but once the game is over, the player will likely move on to the next prize.

It’s not about commitment, it’s about playing the game. And that’s why relationships that start this way, usually don’t last.

#2: When you play hard to get, it causes confusion to the other person involved.

Not surprisingly, I’ve seen the “play hard to get” approach totally backfire. I’ve seen people act like they aren’t interested in someone (when they were), and that “someone” was truly interested in them but ended up walking away from the potential relationship due to the mixed messages. Relationships that may have ended up well with clarity, communication, and clear intention. 

If you want to attract a healthy person and start a relationship on the right track. Don’t play the hard to get game because healthy people don’t stick around to play along.

They want clear answers, not ambiguity. They want commitment, not casual. They want authentic communication, not guessing games.

TO BE CONTINUE…