ALL GUYS WANT SEX

Many women don’t have a clue about men. But one thing they know: men constantly have sex on their minds. This idea is clearly and consistently taught.

While men must deal with the reality of sex on their minds, girls deal with the pressures of being told they need to keep themselves pure. Often young Christian girls are involved in purity rites and given jewellery in exchange for promises that they will protect their purity and save themselves for marriage.

Esteeming purity is a great thing, as God’s design for sex is solely within the bounds of marriage. But much of what we teach about sex, leads to fear about dating. The message many girls receive is: dating is dangerous, men are dangerous, they will be aggressors, users, and you have to be your own protector. Should you fail, the consequences will be devastating and life-long.

So when faced with living out those purity promises in the in the real world, how do you actually do this? Particularly in the days where dating in our culture often means sex after the third date.

For many girls, the answer is simply to avoid dating altogether. This is often not a conscious decision. If you talk to many of these girls, they are in tears about not dating. They long to be asked out, to be out on a Saturday night, etc. But their fears keep them safely guarded against the possibility of failure. Their fears may range from fear about men’s intentions, their own abilities to stay pure, fear of having to set boundaries, of looking or feeling awkward, not wanting to disappoint someone, their fear of looking prude, etc. And this is not just the girl who has never been kissed before, this can also be the girls who has sexual sin in her past, but has a desire to stay pure in the future.

Fortunately, God has some very practical answers to these anxieties. For example, in my own journey, God made it clear to me one day that despite my past failings, “if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!” (2 Corinthians 5:17) I know that I am a new creation, and saw my desires for sex change when I became a believer. But it was years after I understood that I was also a new creation in the sense that I had new abilities to abstain from sexual sin through the power of the Holy Spirit. You see I did not really believe I was a new creation with the ability to do new things. I knew that I could believe new things, but actually do them? I had never tested that ability when it came to sexuality. Was it possible for me to date without succumbing to sexual sin?

By meditating on that verse, not only did God affirm my own identity as a new creation, He affirmed the men around me as new creations as well. As a believer who wanted to date other believers, God’s word provided me the assurance that the men I would be acquainted with also had the same desires and abilities as a result of their faith. Therefore, I could go forward and confidently date, knowing that there would be men who would be gentlemen with abilities and interests that went beyond sex.

God taught me this, but then I had to test it. What I found astounded me. I found that there were men who would take ladies on many dates without expectation of physical intimacies. This was a brand new experience for me, and it was so fun and refreshing! I also found that the conversations which I dreaded about sex were actually not that hard, were well received and not nearly as scary as I had believed.

Sex is a very real fear for many women when it comes to dating. But there are so many other fears that keep men and women from pursuing a mate with confidence and freedom. Jesus’ most often repeated command in the four gospel accounts is “Do Not Fear.” God longs for us to live confidently in the knowledge that He is a loving, sovereign and ever-present Father.   His message extends beyond just our confidence about where we will spend eternity, but also to the practicalities of our everyday lives, even our dating lives!

Challenge yourself to identify the fears that are holding you back, and pray that you would begin to believe and act on God’s truth. Living in your fears may keep you safe, but Christ came to set you free. (John 8:32)

WHO SHOULD I MARRY?

Fill in the blank: Marriage is _______. Depending on your own relationship status, maybe the first words that came to mind were “fun” or “exciting” or maybe even “not for me.” But I think it’s safe to say that if you’re married, at one point or another, you would fill in that blank with “hard.” Marriage is hard—it’s awesome, but it’s challenging. But if you’re committed to it, the hard stuff will grow you and make you a better person than the day you said, “I do.”

Hannah, who blogs at The Art in Life, has only been married a few years, but a recent struggle she and her husband went through has had her thinking a lot about the challenges of marriage and what she wished someone had told her before she got married. “When you get married, you don’t think about things like ‘how will my spouse and I navigate tense moments like finding out someone blew through our credit cards,’” Hannah writes. “You imagine all the happy things, and you imagine hard things too, but of the grand variety.  Those things can break you, but they also prompt people to rise to the challenge. What I’m talking about are the little things that eat away at you, slow water over stone.”

Yes, it is often the little things, over time, which can have us building a wall up between us and our spouse, brick by brick. But if the foundation is secure, these little things don’t have to crumble our marriage. Hannah lists four specific things that have made a difference in laying a strong foundation in her marriage. They are:

1. MARRY SOMEONE WHO IS PATIENT WITH YOU. 

“Whatever patience you have in dating will be cut in half by marriage, and probably again in half by children,” Hannah says.  “Start with a lot. Someone who is prone to anger will be someone who is miserable to walk through life with, because there sure are a lot of reasons to get angry.” If you are the “angry one” in your marriage, take some time and do a heart check—what is your anger telling you? iBelieve writer Wendy van Eyck discovered that her anger was often a symptom of a deeper anxiety and insecurity issues. “I realized I was angry because I was feeling insecure,” Wendy writes. “In that instance, it was my fear of being wrong and looking stupid that had caused me to lash out.”

2. MARRY SOMEONE WHO IS YOUR ADVOCATE. 

“I feel like that should be a given, but I am startled by the number of people I meet who are dating someone who discourages them,” Hannah notes.  “Life will discourage you, so pick someone who doesn’t.”

3. MARRY SOMEONE WHOSE CAREER YOU CAN GET BEHIND. 

What do you imagine life like with your spouse? Dinner with the family every night at 6? Raising kids and growing old in the same house? Traveling the world together? If your expectation is for family dinners every night, consider how important that is to you before you marry someone who works nights or someone whose job requires extensive travel. You’ll save yourself a lot of heartache if your expectations align with reality.

4. MARRY SOMEONE YOU LIKE TALKING TO ABOUT THINGS OTHER THAN YOUR RELATIONSHIP.

“I like James, as a friend, not just as husband,” Hannah writes. “I think he’s interesting and funny. If I didn’t, life would be boring blah punctuated with a little romance.” I like Hannah’s advice, but I’ll add this caveat to it: I think many couples don’t talk intentionally about their relationship enough. Sure, they’ll have it out when fights come up, but it’s important to talk about your relationship before the drama happens. Taking an evening once a month to discuss your marriage can do wonders in making sure both people feel heard and validated.

What do you think? What advice would you add to this list for couples who are considering marriage? Leave a comment below and let us know what has helped your marriage stay strong over the years!

5 PIECES OF DATING ADVICE THAT ARE ACTUALLY HELPFUL

I’ve had the privilege of being mentored by a marriage and family therapist for the past fourteen years. 

Mentoring is a huge understatement and is probably only a euphemism he uses to soften the fact that I’ve actually been receiving free therapy all this time! Meeting with professionals like him would normally cost a truckload of money, so I’m very thankful he’s never sent me a bill. If he did, I’d probably owe him at least twenty thousand dollars—no joke. 

Through hundreds of our unofficial counselling sessions, I’ve gleaned at least five key aspects of dating that are relevant to both singles and those who are in a relationship. 

1. SEARCH FOR A SPOUSE LIKE YOU WOULD A CALLING 

Some people had their vocational calling revealed to them from an early age. Whether it was a doctor,

school teacher, or an artist, these individuals knew their ideal career since they first listened to a heartbeat through a stethoscope or sketched with a pencil. The majority of others, however, have probably hiked more ambiguous career paths, placing effort into searching for their God-given vocational passions by trying at least a few different venues. 

Likewise with finding a spouse: Some people married their high school or college sweetheart while the rest of us will probably need to go on at least a few dates to find Mr. or Mrs. Right. The point of searching for a spouse like you would a calling, therefore, becomes twofold. First, resting in the fact that God knows our hearts, and we can trust he will bring us a spouse as part of our overall calling. Second, it is God's responsibility to reveal this person to us as we put effort into finding him or her. 

2. RETHINK YOUR LIST 

A lot of us have created a mental or physical checklist of qualities we seek in a spouse. These traits are based on the values we hold or what we find most important. The first list I created many years ago contained over thirty obligatory qualities for my future partner! (Any wonder why I’m still single?!) 

However, it is important to remember that lists will always reveal more about us than they ever will about someone else. Whenever we label something (or someone) we are essentially only defining ourselves. Understanding this concept helps us hold on to our list loosely, writing most items in pencil, not in pen. If, however, we clutch to an ironclad, stagnant list, we could very easily miss a potential mate. Our future spouse will be far more colorful and dynamic than a list will ever encompass, so give God permission to add, subtract, and modify it frequently. 

3. REGULARLY VISIT THE SPIRITUAL GYM

I believe the type of effort required to create an amazing marriage will be similar to the work required to win the Super Bowl. Professional football teams spend countless, dedicated hours at the gym and endure many gruelling practices during the regular season. They fully expect their hard work and discipline to pay off. If the team becomes the champions, you would expect words like endurance, sacrifice, and preparation to be used by the players in postgame interviews. 

Likewise, the time we invest during our single years becomes our own "regular season" and the optimal training ground for marriage. Marriage will undoubtedly challenge all of our selfishness, pride, and ego, so why wait until the playoffs (dating) and the Super Bowl (marriage) to begin training for the most daunting human-to-human relationship? It is true that Christ doesn’t ask us to refine ourselves for our future spouse; instead, he commands us to transform for his sake (1 Timothy 4:8). A healthy marriage will just reap the benefits of spiritual fitness. 

4. CLARIFY MEANING - AND OFTEN 

Miscommunication and strife often occur in relationships when two people place different meanings on the same event or circumstance For example, I could ask a woman out for coffee instead of asking her on a date. In my head, I meant coffee-date, but left unverbalized, she could very well be receiving mixed signals. Then, when we are sipping lattes together, we have to deal with the unnecessary and awkward vagueness of trying to guess the meaning the other person is placing on the outing. 

Even during steady dating relationships, differences in meaning also occur with regularity. If Rebekah wants me to meet her parents, I might believe the relationship is getting serious, but she may consider it just another fun date. This is totally normal. Mixed meanings like this occur in all aspects of guy-girl friendships and dating relationships, whether it is placing a hand on a hip, going on a road trip together, or meeting siblings. 

The bottom line is that when you feel there could be a discrepancy in the meaning of a circumstance, it is important to communicate the significance you place on it. Habits like this from the get-go will produce an honest and healthy relationship.  

5. LEAD YOUR HEART; DON’T LET IT LEAD YOU 

Scripture commands us to “Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life” (Proverbs 4:23). Following this wisdom will protect us from unnecessary pain if the relationship ends before marriage. The primary way we lead our heart (and not let it lead you) is by taking the relationship S-L-O-W.  

We can deliberately take an unhurried approach to a new relationship by following three principles. First, centre the conversations on mutual interests and minimize deeper conversations until higher commitment exists. Second, focus the relationship on fun, shared activities such as jogging, playing board games, or attending a concert. Third, place a moratorium on physical touch until you are confident in the direction of the relationship. This may seem extreme, but enticing activities like holding hands and kissing become tantamount to emotional Super Glue. And if you’ve ever accidently glued two fingers together, you understand how painful it is when you tear them apart. 

Eric Demeter

5 MISCONCEPTION ABOUT THE PASTOR’S WIFE

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cripture provides no list of qualifications for a pastor’s wife. Pastors and deacons are covered in 1 Timothy 3 and Titus 1, but the pastor’s wife? She doesn’t show up, at least in terms of suitability for an office.

Nevertheless, some churches have their own set of unwritten qualifications for the pastor’s wife, many of which create unrealistic expectations and abundant misconceptions. These can place undue pressure on the wife of a pastor. This shouldn’t be the case, however, since Scripture knows no such formal category.  

Here are five popular misconceptions about the pastor’s wife: 

1. YOU HAVE IT ALL TOGETHER.

Some will assume you’ve worked through all your issues. Sure, you may struggle, but not with anything “major” (whatever that may be). Oh, sister, may I encourage you? On this side of heaven, we will always have battle to do with our flesh. Will the Father give relief at times? Yes! But “If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us” (1 John 1:8). We’re off the hook, not to sin so that grace may abound but to live a life pleasing to God—a life bought by the perfect blood of Christ, not our own blood, sweat, and tears to “get it right.”

Three years into Matt’s position as pastor of The Village Church, I entered a 12-step program. Let me quell the questions: I didn’t “work the steps” because he became a pastor. I needed to recover from the addiction of being a good girl and performing my way into God’s good graces. I said with my lips that salvation is by grace alone through faith alone. I even thought I believed this. But in my heart of hearts, I functioned as if it all depended on me. With my life I said, “God, thanks for saving me, but I’ve got it from here.”

So one Thursday night at the church, in front of those who only knew me as their pastor’s wife, I stood up to say, “There’s something the Lord is asking me to surrender.” The weight of what people would think of me nearly glued me to my seat and kept me from standing. But I felt something incredible the moment I rose to my feet. I felt weightlessness. I felt relief. And there were tears—lots and lots of tears. In all my anxiety over what the people would think of me—the gasps and whispers I thought I’d hear—I instead found fellowship. I wasn’t untouchable or unrelatable. I became real to them—in real need of a real Saviour.

2. YOUR GIFTING SHOULD MATCH YOUR HUSBAND’S.

Although you and your husband are one flesh, you are not the same person. God made you differently. And yet He knew what He was doing in putting both of you together. He doesn’t make mistakes. 

By God’s grace, be the best “you” that you can be. Do you enjoy hosting people in your home? Do you love to teach? Do you come alive when you sit across from another woman pouring out her heart?

Matt is an exceptional preacher and teacher. I’ve received and accepted multiple invitations to speak and teach, but it’s not a burning desire within me. I say “no” more often than “yes.” Leading worship, on the other hand, is something I eagerly desire. It excites me to lead 5 or 500 people in song. Matt loves to sing, but you don’t want him leading worship in song. Trust me. 

I am not Matt and Matt is not me. Praise Jesus.

3. KISS HAVING CLOSE FRIENDS GOODBYE.

There’s wisdom in carefully choosing with whom you disclose your hopes, desires, and struggles, especially when doing so sheds light on your husband’s flaws. Not everyone can handle such information with grace and maturity. Don’t buy the lie though, that you can’t have close friends. Doing so will only isolate you and your husband from good fellowship with other believers. Everyone in your church should know you and your husband are sinners, not because you blatantly participate in sinful acts but because of 1 John 1:8.

My closest friends for the past 12 years have been either on staff, married to church staff, or covenant members of our church. I also have dear friends in ministry in other cities, states, and even countries, but there’s something special about having day-in and day-out friends. They can see the inconsistencies in my life and can speak into them. 

Have there been awkward seasons and disagreements? Yes. But God’s steadfast love has shone the brightest when we’ve addressed the awkward, and generously forgiven and loved one another in the middle of the mess.

4. YOU MUST BE FRIENDS WITH EVERYONE.

Even if you’re not a pastor’s wife, how deeply are you able to know everyone? It’s impossible to be the same kind of friend to everyone. You can try, but most—if not all—of your relationships will only be an inch deep. We are limited! We practice humility when we acknowledge we can’t be close friends with everyone and must trust the Lord to meet that need in both us and them. 

That said, if your friend circle is so tight that it hasn’t changed in years, examine your heart. Is your group of friends hospitable or alienating? You can’t control what others think, but you can be warm, amiable, and flexible. And you can protect yourself from trading depth for width.

5. YOUR KIDS ARE THE MOST SANCTIFIED IN YOUR CHURCH.

Faith isn’t an inheritable trait. Although our homes should model what Scripture outlines for a family, our children are individuals with their own faith. As my husband often says, we can put all the kindling we can find around their hearts—family devotions, discussing Scripture as we go, modelling forgiveness by asking for and giving it freely, expressing our own need for Jesus, praying for their salvation—but it takes the Holy Spirit to ignite the flame of faith.

Our kids are like anyone else’s. They’re going to fail. They will choose poorly. My kids are at church a lot. They know all the nooks and crannies, all the stashes of mints and crackers. The staff knows them, and they know the staff. This comfort factor often gets them in trouble. Unlike most of the non-staff kids at church, mine let their guards down. They don’t always feel the need to be on their best behaviour. We train them to be respectful, but they have their bad moments—we all do. My kids need Jesus just as much as the next kid.

Whatever misconceptions you may face, sister, remember that your ultimate identity is in Christ’s performance as your Saviour, not in your performance as a pastor’s wife.

By: TPW

SIGNS HE IS NOT THE ONE

Three college friends and I sat in a hotel lounge, chatting about our younger days. “What was I thinking? The signs were all there, telling me he was Mr. Wrong,” one of them said as she sipped her latte. “I didn’t see the red flags ‘cause I was too busy being in love with the idea of being loved.”

“Me too,” my other friend said. “Why didn’t someone write the book on how to find the man of your dreams?”

All four of us chuckled. We graduated from the same college, lived in the same dorm. And, though none of us would admit it, we shared similar restlessness about finding the right man. We attended classes but in that college campus, what we secretly studied was the male population, hoping one of them would be husband material. In general, the search was fun. But at times, high expectations ended up in deep disappointment. And other times, the “love” we chased ended up with heartache chasing us instead. But even with a few scars, we made it through with a wealth of insight. Most of which comes from experiences lived, episodes endured, and lessons learned in the classroom of pain. How different our lives would have been if we only had the wisdom to heed these signs.

Sign 1: HE ALLOWS HIS ROMANCE TO TURN INTO PHYSICAL ROAMING.

And with soothing words, he attempts to invade the boundaries you clearly established more than

once. Yet time and time again he insists, whispering he’ll love you forever hoping you’ll give in. Caution: that’s his testosterone talking, not a man of integrity who values and respects you. That’s when Satan goes into action repeating, “You’ll lose him if you don’t give in.” False. You’ll only lose your own integrity and gain the heartache that disobedience brings.

Time to assess: Should you fail in this area, God will forgive when you ask. He will grant you renewed clarity and peace. And with confidence, you can declare:“If I had cherished sin in my heart, the Lord would not have listened; but God has surely listened and heard my voice in prayer.” (Psalm 66:17-18)

Sign 2: HIS SINCERITY IS QUESTIONABLE.

When you speak of your Christian convictions, he agrees with you. When you invite him to visit your church, he goes along. But when you ask him to pray with you, he squirms. Or when discussing deeper issues regarding spirituality, he is ambiguous and distant. Warning: he might be going through the motions to win you over. This red flag needs to fly high reminding you he’s not the spiritual leader, the kind you need should marriage plans appear in the horizon.

Time to assess: Be true to God first and be sincere in your asking for His guidance to identify the strong spiritual leader with sound convictions and good character to be your future husband. Then confidently repeat, “Let me see your kindness to me in the morning, for I am trusting You. Show me where to walk, for my prayer is sincere.” (Psalm 143:8-10, The LB-Paraphrased)

Sign 3: OTHERS ARE WARNING YOU.

You think he’s the one because he “makes you feel so good.” But those around you who know you well and whom you respect give you warnings. They point out flaws you overlook because you’re so much “in love” that you’ve become deaf to their wisdom. But often feelings can be wrong. And emotions can blind one from seeing potential pitfalls.

Time to assess: Your own path to happiness might not be God’s way to bring you lasting joy. Reflect on the advice given, and no matter how well-defined your plans are, welcome wise counsel from those who love you because “Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.” (Proverbs 15:22)

Sign 4: CRITICISM BECOMES A PATTERN.

Sometimes you might mistake humility and patience when he is free with harsh criticism toward you and others. But when experiencing this during dating, it might be a sign of potential emotional abuse only to increase after that wedding day.

Time to assess: Because you are the daughter of the King, you mustn’t endure painful words, insensitive treatment or even rudeness. Expect to be treated with utmost respect because you know who you are—the masterpiece in God’s hands as you declare: “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” (Psalm 139:14)

Sign 5: HE’S IN THE RED.

Although money is not the most important aspect of a relationship, it is the number one reason for divorce. And if marriage is a possibility with the man you’re dating, observe his attitude toward money, his spending habits and his commitment to tithe. Each will give you clues on what to expect should you become his wife. If he’s a creature that flings credit cards at every turn, that’s your clue to dig a little deeper. Otherwise, entering into marriage with debt, money issues and financial troubles will surely have you walking down the aisle toward the altar of disaster.

Time to assess: What does he treasure? What is he storing in his heart? This is the standard by which you must measure him: “… store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” (Matthew 6:20)

Whether you’re 20 or 60 years old, or whether it’s your first date or you’re about to send out wedding invitations, bring your girlfriend with you. Her name is “wisdom.” God’s wisdom will help you answer these two vital questions: Does this man love God more than he loves me? And do his words, actions, attitude, demeanor, dreams and character reflect this conviction?

The answer to these questions will determine whether decades later you’ll be drinking the latte of regret or sipping the fresh water of true happiness in marriage.

By: TPW

DEAR GOD, HOW LONG MUST I WAIT?

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity in the heavens. -Ecclesiastes 3:1

I am so guilty of being impatient. I have probably asked the question, “How long must I wait,” so much that God wants to personally come down and tell me to hush child. I’m like the kid on a road trip that ask over and over, “how much longer” or “are we there yet!” Yes, I was that kid and I still am that adult. Just put me on a plane. I need to get there quick. 

But, have you ever experienced such with waiting on God’s timing. Have you ever asked or wondered, God, how long must I wait?

How long must I wait until I get the job?

How long must I wait until I get married?

How long must I wait until my health takes a turn for the better?

How long must I wait until this storm passes?

God, How long must I wait? 

I’ve struggle with this area of my life and honestly, I still have my days where I have to get myself together. I have to do a constant self and heart check. I have been guilty of witnessing my sisters in Christ/friends get married, have children, working their dream job, etc. to the point where I was so selfish in congratulating them because a part of me longed to be in their shoes. I couldn’t help but wonder, God, how long must I wait? God, when will it be my turn? God, I always receive the wedding invitations in the mail, but what about me? How long must I wait?  

For me it was that very desire to get married. Then, the Holy Spirit so easily stated to me, “When did the “I Do” become more important than the “well done”? “ Talk about being floored and laid out!… Whew!

One of the most stressing and complicated things in life is to compare your season to someone else’s season. We cannot compare our season of snow to our sister’s season of sand. What does that mean? Simply this, there are seasons for everything. It’s beautifully written in Ecclesiastes 3. This is one area that was hardest for me to accept. Whatever season of life that we are in, God will give us the proper equipment to not only endure but to rejoice in that season. What would be the purpose of me walking on sand at the beach in a trench coach and snow boots or walking in 12inch snow with a swimsuit and flip flops? None. However, time after time we jump ahead of God’s timing that leads us down a road that just simply does not make sense. Then we have the nerve to ask God what’s going on with our lives. All the while, it’s us being impatient and despising the word “wait”.

We so often take the word “wait” and associate it with “no,” never realizing that God has not necessarily said no. Trust me, I know it’s so hard to wait for something that we have a strong desire for. I battled with this very issue for such a long time until I found myself praying one of the scariest yet most relieving prayers and that was…

“God, if I am desiring something that you do not have planned for me or something that does not align with Your will for my life, please strip that desire from me.”

Yes, it got that serious. The question,“When did the “I Do” become more important than the “well done”? “ put me in my place very quickly. Ultimately life is not about me. Do I believe God will give me the desires of my heart? Absolutely! Will He do the same for you? Absolutely! However, I am more than willing to give up my desires here on earth to spend eternity with Jesus. As much as I desire marriage and family, I have settled in my heart that if God has called me to live a life of singleness, then I will do just that never compromising His Word.

My first I DO is to Christ! Finding this place of contentment has not been easy, but well needed and I am beyond grateful. Contentment is not just a destination but also a lifestyle. I have learned that regardless of what season I face, whatever journey I go through, as long as I submit my life to Christ, I have all that I need and so much more.

Your waiting time is not wasted time. Stay the course, stay committed to Christ, and rest in knowing that God has your best interest at heart. After all, He created each of us. Remember, there is a time for everything and a season for every activity in heaven and God’s will for your life is far greater than any plan we could ever create. In due time, you shall reap if you faint not. 

You are beautifully covered.

By La

WEDDING OR MARRIAGE, WHAT ARE YOU PLANNING FOR? PART 2

The biblical story of how Esther became queen is quite interesting. King Ahasuerus threw an extravagant party that lasted for several days. On the last day of the party he called for Queen Vashti to wear her crown and walk around for everyone to see how beautiful she was. I don’t know if the queen was tired or going through something, but she refused to be the king’s trophy piece. She did not want to parade herself in front of the king’s guests.

As Christians, we are to believe that God inspired every word of the Bible, not for the sake of vanity, but to teach us something that we can use today. Here are 3 things we learn from the book of Esther.

The Male Ego is Real

Needless to say, the king was embarrassed that Vashti disregarded his wishes. How dare she not follow simple orders in front of his royal frthis. 

He decided she was no longer worthy to be queen and began to look for a replacement. 

Not that I agree with such an abrupt decision to replace Vashti, but it’s important to focus on why he did it.

The thought of Queen Vashti rubbing off on all the other women in the kingdom made King Ahasuerus furious. If his queen won’t respect him, why would anyone else?

King Ahasuerus is not any different from men today. One of the biggest reasons men look for love elsewhere today is because they don’t feel prized in their own homes. 

They want respect and they don’t want to be publicly embarrassed; whether it’s in front of their family, friends or complete strangers.

I’m sure Vashti was shocked that something so small got her replaced, but it is a good indication of how fragile the king’s ego was. 

It’s more important to be a wife than a bride.

Esther was eventually crowned queen out of all the young women who applied for the position. On the day she was crowned, I imagine there was a huge celebration with lots of music and wine— similar to modern weddings but with one difference:

Esther went through a lengthy process of learning to be a queen before she was worthy to wear the crown. For 12 months she purified herself, applied beauty treatments, and learned how to impress the king.

Just about every modern woman dreams of her wedding day long before she has a suitor. She plans the color scheme, the cake flavors, and the song that will play as she walks down the aisle.

But how many women dream about what is supposed to happen in the years after saying “I do?”

There’s nothing wrong with planning the perfect wedding day, but it’s more important to learn how to communicate effectively, manage a household budget, and master the forgotten art of cooking.

We live in a society that puts more effort into extravagant one-day weddings than preparing to be a wife forever. And who can blame us. It’s really easy to get distracted by the idea of being a beautiful bride who is the center of attention.

But Esther didn’t go into the palace on day 1 planning a lavish wedding ceremony. She was more focused on what it would take to walk side-by- side with the king, long term.

She took the time to learn the position before she took the position.

Along with dreaming of the perfect wedding day, go further and dream of the perfect marriage.  Then do your part to make it happen.

How To Prepare to be a Wife

For 12 months, each woman had to purify herself and apply beauty treatments. Only at the end of 12 months would each woman get a chance to impress the king.

Twelve months of purification and beauty treatments sound rather vain— even by today’s standards.

But what if you took the time to beautify yourself on the inside? What if you took more time to make yourself attractive mentally and spiritually before getting married?

In modern times, we don’t have attendants and hand maidens to teach us how to be wives. But we do have the Bible, pastors, books, and blogs like this

What can you do now to prepare you to be the queen forever?

5 MYTHS I STOPPED BELIEVING ABOUT DATING

What would you change if you could go back in time? 

I’m sure we’ve all thought through that question at some point or another.  For me in particular, the whole area of love and relationships is one that I wish I could go back and “tweak”.  There is much I wish I would have known, much I wish I could have done differently, so many lies I wish I wouldn’t have believed.  But I can’t go back- and you know what, that’s okay.

Because through the process of finding love I’ve learned a lot.  My eyes have been opened to a lot of the beliefs that hindered me through my dating years and through that process have been able to encourage others.  The following myths have done a lot of harm in the lives of many young adults: mine included.

1.  If you’re too picky you’ll never get married:  A while back (and I’m talking…a long while back), I had a dozen roses shipped to my house by a guy who had taken an interest in me.  Not sure if it was my frizzy hair or bad make-up that attracted him (you ever look back at those pictures and wonder how you ever walked out of the house looking like that?)  Anyway, it was a sweet gesture from a decent young man, but to be frank, I wasn’t interested.  Thankfully, I was at a healthy place in life and it didn’t take long for me to know that he wasn’t the right fit for me. So, rather than prolong the whole thing, I told him where I was at.

I’ll never forget that day, because at the end of the conversation he made sure to tell me that I would be an “old maid” someday with how picky I was about dating.  Now granted, he may have spoken out of his disappointment, but the truth is, he isn’t the first person who said that to me during my dating years.  I can count numerous men and women who have uttered those words in my presence, whether geared toward me or someone I know.  People I love and trusted, who really believed that you could miss out on marriage by being too choosy.  Seriously?  Since when is taking the time to make the biggest decision you will ever make in your life considered picky?

Looking back, they were ALL wrong- and I’m thankful I stuck to what I believed in my heart.  I am so glad I didn’t settle and waited for God to send me the man- who is not perfect, but perfect for me.  He’s the right fit, and I knew it in my heart more and more each day as we dated.  It was natural, it was easy, it was for real.  Don’t let yourself believe this lie, and trust your heart (and spirit!).  Because marriage is a decision you live with for the rest of your life.

2.  You should always, ever, only date to marry:  I used to be a firm believer of this.  You know, the days of reading books about “courtship” and “kissing dating goodbye” and not interacting with someone until you absolutely know that they’re the one.  But, eventually, my misinterpretation of these concepts got me in a lot trouble.

There was a season in my life that I really looked down on the concept of “dating around” as they called it- and thought that if I was going to date someone, I better be pretty darn sure I was going to marry them in the end.  Because ultimately, that’s the goal, right? But here’s the thing- life isn’t always so cut and dry. Sometimes, things just don’t work out and have to come to and end. And sometimes, ending those things is the best decision a person could have ever made.

While I would have (and still do) agree that dating is a stepping stone to marriage, deep down, the fear of failing in a relationship was actually what was driving me in how I interacted with the opposite sex. I didn’t want to fail God, to fail others, or to fail in my Christian walk. And the fear of failure can be a very paralyzing thing.  For me, it paralyzed me into staying in a relationship that I knew wasn’t right for me for far too long.  Just because I was afraid to fail. Just because I was afraid of playing the “dating game”.

Looking back now, I see failure after failure in my relationship history.  But I still see God’s hand all over my past.  He comforted me, guided me, stretched me, and taught me more than I realized then.  So even when relationships don’t work out in the end, it’s not simply failure or wasted time.  Sometimes, it’s freedom into a future that’s far beyond your scope in the here and now.

Because nothing – absolutely nothing- is ever wasted in the hands of the Creator.

 3.  All the “good ones” are already taken:  Some people fall on the totally opposite end of being “too picky”.  I’ve had the unfortunate opportunity to interact with men and women dating some pretty unqualified (that’s a gracious understatement) individuals…all because they think it’s the best they can get.

People tend to end up with someone who they believe they deserve-and sadly, for some people, their view of themselves causes them to think they deserve very little.

I look back at some of the people I invested in, and see a sad reflection of the view I had of myself.  I’m thankful that God slowly transformed that view, allowing me to believe I deserve- not just good, but God’s best.

Change your beliefs about yourself–and then wait for the best.

4.  Getting into a dating relationship will “ruin” your friendship:  This phrase is used to often in the dating world, but now that I’m married, I don’t even really know what that means or how this myth has stuck around for so long.  Here are some thoughts I have about this phrase:

You’re supposed to marry your best friend.  Someone you connect with deeply on an emotional, spiritual, social and physical level.  A friend who you can laugh with, talk to till 4am, and cry with, but also have the freedom to do absolutely nothing with.  If you have that with someone of the opposite sex, maybe the friendship is the first step of something bigger.  That’s the best case scenario.

Worst case scenario, a friendship doesn’t ever blossom into the stage of romantic feelings and the friendship changes.  In my opinion, that’s still a okay!

When I got married, the friendships I had with the opposite sex changed drastically anyway.  When John became my priority, I had to guard my marriage by setting up boundaries with guys and distancing myself in different ways.  They were no longer carrying the role they used to carry, because they were not my husband.  He was the only man that was to carry certain roles in my life.  So like it or not, your friendships with the opposite sex will always change, either now, or later when you meet your mate.

The deep friendship you have with your spouse should never be shared with someone else.  If your friendship changes now…it’s less you have to deal with later.

5.  Marriage will solve your dating problems:  I meet people all the time who think the issues and arguments that keep tripping them up in dating will magically disappear when they are married.

But for some reason this rule is never applied to other things in life.  Things are what they are, and we expect them to stay that way.  “It is what it is” has never been more accurate than it is in the world of dating.

When I meet with couples in marriage counselling, so much of the time the things that they are dealing with, the traits are driving them crazy, and the habits that they can’t seem to get control of – are things that began to take root in their dating years, but they chose to ignore.  Fast forward 5, 10, 15 years and these things are magnified more than ever.  Marriage is the pressure cooker that brings them to the surface.

Don’t rush marriage as the resolution, but seek to find the solutions in your dating relationship- if a solution is to be found, it will be there.  Because at the end of the day, “it is what it is”.  So make sure it’s really, really good.

Dating is an incredible stage to get to know yourself better and to experience relationships with others in hopes of finding true love.  Don’t let these crazy myths hold you back, but strive to achieve a healthy perspective.  Trust God first and then trust what He’s placed in your heart.  The truth will be right around the corner.

by Debra Fileta