I’ve had the privilege of being mentored by a marriage and
family therapist for the past fourteen years.
Mentoring is a huge
understatement and is probably only a euphemism he uses to soften the fact that
I’ve actually been receiving free therapy all this time! Meeting with
professionals like him would normally cost a truckload of money, so I’m very
thankful he’s never sent me a bill. If he did, I’d probably owe him at least
twenty thousand dollars—no joke.
Through hundreds
of our unofficial counselling sessions, I’ve gleaned at least five key aspects
of dating that are relevant to both singles and those who are in a
relationship.
1. SEARCH FOR
A SPOUSE LIKE YOU WOULD A CALLING
Some people had
their vocational calling revealed to them from an early age. Whether it was a
doctor,
Likewise with
finding a spouse: Some people married their high school or college sweetheart
while the rest of us will probably need to go on at least a few dates to find
Mr. or Mrs. Right. The point of searching for a spouse like you would a
calling, therefore, becomes twofold. First, resting in the fact that God knows
our hearts, and we can trust he will bring us a spouse as part of our overall
calling. Second, it is God's responsibility to reveal this person to us as we
put effort into finding him or her.
2. RETHINK
YOUR LIST
A lot of us have
created a mental or physical checklist of qualities we seek in a spouse. These
traits are based on the values we hold or what we find most important. The
first list I created many years ago contained over thirty obligatory qualities
for my future partner! (Any wonder why I’m still single?!)
However, it is
important to remember that lists will always reveal more about us than they
ever will about someone else. Whenever we label something (or someone) we are
essentially only defining ourselves. Understanding this concept helps us hold
on to our list loosely, writing most items in pencil, not in
pen. If, however, we clutch to an ironclad, stagnant list, we could very easily
miss a potential mate. Our future spouse will be far more colorful and dynamic
than a list will ever encompass, so give God permission to add, subtract, and
modify it frequently.
3. REGULARLY
VISIT THE SPIRITUAL GYM
I believe the type
of effort required to create an amazing marriage will be similar to the work
required to win the Super Bowl. Professional football teams spend countless,
dedicated hours at the gym and endure many gruelling practices during the
regular season. They fully expect their hard work and discipline to pay off. If
the team becomes the champions, you would expect words like endurance,
sacrifice, and preparation to be used by the players in postgame
interviews.
Likewise, the time
we invest during our single years becomes our own "regular season"
and the optimal training ground for marriage. Marriage will undoubtedly
challenge all of our selfishness, pride, and ego, so why wait until the
playoffs (dating) and the Super Bowl (marriage) to begin training for the most
daunting human-to-human relationship? It is true that Christ doesn’t ask us to
refine ourselves for our future spouse; instead, he commands us to transform
for his sake (1 Timothy 4:8). A healthy marriage
will just reap the benefits of spiritual fitness.
4. CLARIFY
MEANING - AND OFTEN
Miscommunication
and strife often occur in relationships when two people place different
meanings on the same event or circumstance For example, I could ask a woman out
for coffee instead of asking her on a date. In my head, I meant coffee-date,
but left unverbalized, she could very well be receiving mixed signals. Then,
when we are sipping lattes together, we have to deal with the unnecessary and
awkward vagueness of trying to guess the meaning the other person is placing on
the outing.
Even during steady
dating relationships, differences in meaning also occur with regularity. If
Rebekah wants me to meet her parents, I might believe the relationship is
getting serious, but she may consider it just another fun date. This is totally
normal. Mixed meanings like this occur in all aspects of guy-girl friendships
and dating relationships, whether it is placing a hand on a hip, going on a
road trip together, or meeting siblings.
The bottom line is
that when you feel there could be a discrepancy in the meaning of a circumstance,
it is important to communicate the significance you place on it. Habits like
this from the get-go will produce an honest and healthy relationship.
5. LEAD YOUR
HEART; DON’T LET IT LEAD YOU
Scripture commands
us to “Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of
life” (Proverbs 4:23). Following this wisdom
will protect us from unnecessary pain if the relationship ends before marriage.
The primary way we lead our heart (and not let it lead you) is by taking the
relationship S-L-O-W.
We can
deliberately take an unhurried approach to a new relationship by following
three principles. First, centre the conversations on mutual interests and
minimize deeper conversations until higher commitment exists. Second, focus the
relationship on fun, shared activities such as jogging, playing board games, or
attending a concert. Third, place a moratorium on physical touch until you are
confident in the direction of the relationship. This may seem extreme, but
enticing activities like holding hands and kissing become tantamount to
emotional Super Glue. And if you’ve ever accidently glued two fingers together,
you understand how painful it is when you tear them apart.
Eric Demeter
nice
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