15 Things You Should Know About Marriage

In just a few days, my husband John and I will be celebrating our 10 year marriage anniversary!

It seems so short and yet sooooo long at the same time. We’ve been with each other through some of our most formative years- and have together experienced the most significant moments of each other’s lives. We’ve walked with one another through some incredible highs, and through some difficult lows. We’ve changed, grown, matured, fallen, failed, conquered, succeeded and have learned so many things together.  Yet the greatest lesson we’ve learned, is that there is so much still left for us to learn.

As we’ve been reflecting over the past decade of our marriage including changing

careers, moving 4 times, and having 3 children, we had to chuckle at some of the lessons we’ve learned the hard (and sometimes awkward) way. There are so many things about marriage that we had no clue about while we were single. Here are some things we wish we would have known about marriage…but by God’s grace, we’re learning along the way:

1.      Attraction grows. In the next decade you’ll both put on weight, acquire grey hairs, and welcome the world of post-marriage (likely even post-baby) body. But don’t fret. Because even as your body fades, your desire for one another can continue to grow brighter and brighter. Be sure to keep fanning that flame…because genuine attraction is made up of so much more than just the physical.

2.      Conflict is a healthy part of marriage. It’s important to learn how to fight fair, to express your feelings in a constructive way, and to learn how to forgive often. Conflict breeds communication, and communication can breed heightened intimacy. So take advantage and fight well.

3.      Your sex life takes up a small fraction of your relationship. But it’s a really important fraction because it has the power to connect you emotionally, psychologically, physically, and spiritually. So protect it while you’re single, and then learn to make the most of it in marriage.

4.      Your spouse’s family will likely have a huge influence on your life and marriage– so know what you’re getting into because who you choose to do life with can bring barriers or blessings.

5.      Contrary to what the movies say, you will NOT sleep romantically intertwined and interlocked with your spouse all night long, so do yourself a favor by investing in a large, comfy bed and getting a good night’s rest! People tend to argue less when they’re well rested 

6.      Believe it or not, research shows that the longer you’ve been married the less time you actually talk. Make communication important by scheduling time to just sit and talk.

7.      Unlike in soap operas and movies, marital sex takes work, practice, selflessness, and a whole lot of patience to perfect. Don’t expect to get it right away, but know that you will in time. Let go of the pressure to be perfect and just enjoy the practice!

8.      No matter who you marry, someday you will probably wonder if you’ve married the “right person”. Be assured- you have (from the moment you said “I do”). So do whatever it takes to fight for what you have and to turn it into something beautiful.

9.      True love between two people has very little to do with how you feel, and so much to do with what you do thereafter. Learn the actions of love, and practice them often (aka every moment, of every day). Always choose to protect your marriage.

10. No matter what conflict you are facing, 100% of the time you have a responsibility in it. Learn to take ownership of your own flaws right here, and right now, long before you point the finger.  It will always work out better in the end.

11. Most of marriage is made up of the monotony of day-to-day routine. So marry more than just a lover. Marry a best friend, a partner, a co-worker, and a true companion.

12. Opposites do attract, but then they have the tendency to attack. Learn to work through your differences and always appreciate the beauty of your spouse’s uniqueness. It’s likely what drew you together in the first place.

13. Your past has a huge impact on your present relationships, so learn to look inward. Working through your past wounds has the ability to bring so much healing to the here and now. Take the time to take care of yourself.

14. Marriage can’t bring you purpose, healing, or security– but it can bless you, challenge you, and enrich your life in so many ways. Keep your expectations grounded in reality. You’ve been given a spouse, not a super-hero, a help-mate, not a healer.

15. Your relationship with God has the power to bring you closer to one another in powerful ways. Learn to love out of the overflow of God’s love for you. It will likely change your life, and in turn, your marriage.

Here’s to the next decade with my beloved. May God continue teaching us, shaping us, and drawing us closer to each other with each passing day and through each coming lesson.

And here’s to all of you, whether married or single: May God continue shifting your expectations of marriage and relationships to become more and more in tune with His.

by Debra Fileta

10 Types of Guys You Should Never Date

No matter who you are, how desperate you feel, how long you’ve been single or how badly you’re looking for a date, please do yourself a favor and avoid these 10 guys like the plague:

Mr. Not That Into You

I don’t know what it is about this guy, but let me warn you- he’s addicting. There’s just something about the “unknown” (does he like me, or not?) that keeps you guessing and coming back for more. You can recognize him in that he knows how to talk the talk, but his actions never seem to follow-suit. But the biggest problem with this kind of guy is that he’s using you for as long as you’ll stick around. So do yourself a favor and don’t stick around.

Mr. On Again & Off Again

This guy will do anything to get you to stay on his roller-coaster ride of up and down emotions. One moment you’re “the one” and the next moment he’s confused, confined, and non-committal. What you need to know about this guy is that this isn’t a “phase”, it’s a glimpse of the rest of your life. Talk about some serious nausea. Time to get off the rollercoaster- or better yet- never get on.

Mr. Out of Sight Out of Mind

This guy is sweet, charming, flirtatious, and basically everything you imagined him to be, while you’re around. But when you’re not around? Well, he’ll be that same sweet, charming, and flirtatious guy with the next girl. For him, it’s not about commitment, it’s about the moment. That’s definitely not a guy you can trust. Ever.

Mr. Keepin’ My Options Open

Oh yeah, he says he’s interested. He might even tell you he’s in love. But then why can’t he let go of his past? Why do you find yourself worried about who else he’s interacting with, and how he’s interacting with them? With the right guy there are no options- there are only relationships. And healthy relationships can only develop and progress when the focus is on one person at a time.

Mr. Let’s Get Physical, Physical

The thing that makes me crazy about Mr. Physical is that he’s SO OBVIOUS…yet so charming. He makes you think that he’s really into you- when all the while his primary focus is on what he can get from you. But even with his obvious advances and fixation on the physical, you’ll find yourself making excuses, giving more and more of yourself until it’s too late. Recognize him quick, and once you do, make a quick break. Don’t get stuck in the physical, because healthy relationships are built on so much more than this.

Mr. Sorta Spiritual

This is the nice guy most girls would fall for. He let’s you choose everything because he wants whatever makes you happy…even when it comes to your spiritual life. He may go to church on Sundays, have good morals, and even say the right things. But deep down, he’s only sort-of spiritual. His life has hints of Jesus (or so you tell yourself), instead of being DEFINED by Jesus. Don’t just settle for a God-fearing man, look for a Jesus-loving man.

Mr. I Don’t Wanna Grow Up

This guy will make you feel more like his mom than his girl. He’ll have you taking care of him before you even know what hit you. And you’ll like it, because it will make you feel important. But what you don’t realize is that a relationship with this guy is sure to be one-sided. So until he’s ready to put down the video games, pay his own bills, and do his own laundry…it’s time to move on to bigger…and “more mature” things- no matter how hot he is. You deserve a partner- not someone who needs a parent.

Mr. All About Me

He may or may not be the kind of guy who’s obsessed with his looks- but one thing is for sure, he’s obsessed with himself. He has all the answers and wants to date a girl who will just nod her head and smile. He doesn’t care what you want, or even who you are, because he makes all the choices and his preferences always trump yours. Stay far away from this guy, and look for a man who is marked by humility and selflessness…because only that kind of man can love you like you deserve to be loved.

Mr. Track-Record

You know all about his history. In fact, this guy has quite a reputation with the ladies. So why on earth did you convince yourself that things would be different with you? This guy will leave you with a broken-heart- just like he left the string of girls before you. Come to terms with the reality that you can’t change him with your love…or with anything else for that matter. Instead, find someone who you can love for who they are– not for what you hope them to be.

Mr. White Lies

A relationship built without honesty, is really no relationship at all. I don’t care if he’s lying about his age, his past, his family, or the color of his car….a lie, is a lie, is a lie. But most importantly, early on in a relationship it’s a big red flag. This guy is marked by a pattern of dishonesty and little white lies. Lies about things that might not even matter. But what matters is the habits that are being formed, and the facade that’s being maintained. A man who has nothing to hide becomes a safe place in which a woman can hide her heart. Look for that kind of a man.

There’s No Such Thing as a Soul Mate

I got an email from a young man who was feeling frustrated with relationships.  He had recently asked a girl on a date and had been turned down. She explained to him that she was waiting for her “soul mate”.  Apparently, she didn’t think he was the one.

My heart goes out to this young man, because it always stings to get turned

down- no matter how spiritual or holy the rejection may be.  I’ve met more than my share of young men and women who are sitting around, waiting for their soul mate.  As though one day, there will be a magical knock on the door and “poof”, their soul mate will be waiting.

I think this philosophy of a “soul mate” has done far more harm than good in our society.  First and foremost, it’s a concept that is rooted in ancient mythology.  Story has it that the gods split human beings as a form of punishment for their pride.  Since then, human beings have been on the search to find their “soul mate” in an attempt to reach completion once again.  Ancient mythology declares that there is this unspoken knowledge- some sort of feeling that a person experiences when they come face to face with their soul mate.  Half full people waiting around for someone else to complete them.  I don’t know about you, but that doesn’t sound very healthy to me.

Beyond the fact that the term is founded completely in fairy tale, it’s also entirely unbiblical.  It is a title that is promotes “feeling” and “energy” that attracts one person to another.  It’s a dangerous concept because it fools you into believing that love and marriage hinge on emotional ecstasy.  And even more detrimental, is that it gets you to believe that you are incomplete until you come face to face with the love of your life.

How long will it take us to learn that feelings can’t be trusted?  They may help point us in the right direction, but they should NEVER be the sole foundation on which an entire relationship is based.   Because at the end of the day, feelings come- and then feelings go.  Those who build their relationships on the foundation of “feeling” will find that when the rain comes- their love quickly crumbles.

All over the world there are Christian young men and women waiting for that magical moment when they will come face to face and eye to eye with the person that will stir their heart and connect deeply with their soul.  For the one who will complete them and make them whole.

There is no such thing as a person who will complete our souls, because according to God’s word- we are only made complete in Him.

Healthy relationships begin by understanding this completeness.  They are based on positive interactions, effective communication, and an emotional give-and-take with another human being that reflects health and wholeness.  They are founded in faith, rooted in good choices, and grounded in hard work and a whole lot of grace.  Don’t get me wrong- healthy relationships will always come with an abundance of healthy feelings, passion, and romance- but they may not always start with those emotions.

If you’re waiting to meet that person that will trigger some sort of magical moment inside of you that will dub them as “the one”, there’s a good chance you’ll be waiting for a long, long time. Instead, do yourself a favour and begin to make connections with the people God has placed in your life.  Get to know yourself, and then get to know people of the opposite sex who have the qualities you are looking for in a future mate.

Don’t freak out if the feelings aren’t magical or mystical, because frankly, they were never intended to be.  Look for qualities, traits and characteristics that are attractive based on the things you know you need and want in a relationship.  Find a relationship that emits healthiness, wholeness, and respect. Take it one step at a time, and be assured that in a right relationship- feelings will always be present, but they can never be the foundation of a healthy relationship.

True love is based on a healthy combination of facts and feelings, and a whole lot of good choices.  May God give you the wisdom to choose well.

DATING TIPS

Q: What advice would you give to those of us who are “out there” in the world of dating? 

A: I dusted off one of my old journals the other day.

I’ll be honest – not such a good idea. I half-laughed/half-cringed while reading through the pages, “listening” to my 20-year-old self talk about life and dream about the future. I had a pretty good head on my shoulders (if I do say so myself), but even so, looking back I realize I had so many things wrong in my mentality as a single young woman.

As I look at my life and progression through it, there are so many things I know now that I wish I knew then. So many things that would have spared me heartache, grief, and straight-up saved me time! I spent so much time dreaming, worrying, and thinking about things that would never actually happen.

I invested my energy in the wrong places, and my emotions in the wrong people.

I get that some life-lessons have to be experienced in order to be learned, but I don’t always think that’s the case. Sometimes, I think that all it takes is someone who’s “been there, done that” to give us some perspective and steer us in the right direction (which is why I wrote THIS). As I reflect on my time as a single, here are some things I wish someone would have told me:

1. The most important person you could ever get to know is yourself.

Sound obvious to you? Then you’re better off than I was. Back then, I probably would have told you that I “knew who I was”, but I really didn’t. The truth is, I didn’t take the time to get to know myself until far too late in my life as a single. And I don’t think I’m alone in that.

So many times, our years of singleness are spent focusing on who we’re going to be with, rather than who we are. Countless hours and limitless energy are poured into getting to know the person standing before us, many times, at the neglect of ourselves.

We can spend so much time trying to find the right person, that we actually lose ourselves in the process.

I wish someone would have clued me in on the fact that getting my stuff together was a huge piece to the puzzle of a nourished relationship. Instead of fixating on relationships- I wish I would have invested more time in developing interests, working through my past, and wrapping my brain around my identity in Christ. Because at the end of the day, you can’t really know what you want in a relationship- until you know who you are (See Chapters 1-4 in True Love Dates to find out what it really means to get to know yourself).

2. You will always attract the kind of person you believe you deserve.

The truth is that we all come with some sort of a price tag. We rely on so many superficial things to measure our value and our worth by: appearance, intelligence, success. But no matter how you choose calculate it, your price tag is determined by one thing and one thing alone: Yourself.

I wish someone could have told me that you get to determine the price that you will place upon yourself. But more so, I wish I would have known the reality that the price I choose – is also the price I’ll be purchased at. I spent so much of my life undervaluing my worth, thinking I wasn’t good enough, smart enough, or cute enough. I made decisions based on what I believed I deserved, and my inability to see my true worth took me down some roads with some people I wish I never would have travelled.

It’s important to get real with the price we place on ourselves, and realize how valuable we are, because we have been made by a God who said so. A God who saw we were worth so much, and paid a high cost just to prove it.

One thing I desperately wish someone would have told me, is that if you want to attract someone who values you, you’ve first got to value yourself. That’s why I’m so adamant, now, about spreading that message myself. 

3. Your story has far more to do with who you are, than who you’re with.

It’s hard not to be “single-minded” when you’re on the search for love (no pun intended). It’s easy to focus in on your desires in the here and now. But the truth is, finding a relationship is just part of God’s bigger story for your life.

I think the most foundational truth that I’ve learned now that I’m a married woman, is that my life has far more to do with finding my purpose than it ever did with finding someone to marry.

I love my husband, and I’m blessed by the marriage we have but I realize that this relationship is just part of the bigger picture God has for my life. My purpose, my security, and my value weren’t resolved in the arms of my spouse. There is so much more that God has made me to do and to be, and so much more that I want to become. Finding true love is just part of the equation of my story — and it’s only part of yours as well. Seek to find your purpose and pursue your God-given passions while standing alone. Because one thing I wish I would have known is that you’ll never regret investing in God’s bigger picture. It’s never in vain. 

No matter who you are or what you’ve been through, my prayer is that you learn from my mistakes, because a simple perspective change can make all the difference in your life–and in your relationships.

Should Christians Wait Until Marriage To Kiss?

Q: I am just wondering if a young couple striving for purity and holiness together should not kiss each other until the altar (or even just until engagement). I’m 20 years old and will soon be discussing physical boundaries with a potential boyfriend, but kissing is one thing I’m not sure how to address.

A: While my answer to this question will likely surprise you, let me first start off by saying that I’m thankful to see a question like this pop up in my submission box for this Q & A series, because it’s yet another reminder that there are some really good people out there, wanting nothing less than to honour God with their lives and relationships. And that is a really awesome thing.

We live in a culture that’s so infiltrated with sex and so immune to the hook-up culture, that sometimes I fear Christians lose their way amidst all the noise.

So to you who wrote in with this question – I just have to take a minute and say: way to go. Way to go in thinking ahead, making plans, and setting boundaries in your relationship so that you can honour God and one another in the process. Just by doing those simple things you are way ahead of the game.

And now, to jump right into this question: should you wait until marriage to kiss?

Most recently this concept of “no kissing before marriage” appeared as part of the “courtship movement”, specifically displayed in a mainstream way in the hit TV Show on TLC: 19 Kids and Counting. The Duggar Family practice a “no kissing before marriage” rule for their adult children, as a way to keep their courtships “focused on God and away from sexual temptation”.

Looking back, the first time I ever heard of this concept was actually during one of my classes in Christian college. I’ll never forget that day, because it was something I hadn’t really heard of before. Yes, I grew up in the era where the “purity culture” was being preached from the rooftops, but all in all, the focus was always on not having sex before marriage. Kissing wasn’t something that people really addressed.

I remember hearing my professor talk about how she and her husband decided to save their first kiss for marriage, and frankly, at the time, I thought it sounded like a pretty noble thing to do.

Fast forward 15 years from the very first time I heard about this concept – and my perspective on this topic has shifted. 

You see, now I’m a licensed professional counsellor, sitting in my office, working with couples, I actually see the other extreme of these hard and fast rules: more specifically, couples who have come to see me due to the backlash of their lack of comfort with physical intimacy — even in marriage. I’ve seen couples who really struggle to foster a physical relationship, because for so long they’ve been trained to repress their sexuality and sexual urges rather than to learn to appreciate and take control of them. 

It’s almost as though the message of what you “can’t do before marriage” for all those years started getting compartmentalized in their minds as “bad” or “wrong”. And now that they are married, they’re having a hard time breaking free of the guilt and shame that comes with physical intimacy and pretty much anything along the spectrum of sex. Working with these couples was intense, but it opened my eyes to the idea that often times, in an effort to protect ourselves from crossing the line of physical boundaries, we actually shame ourselves toward purity rather than empower ourselves toward it.

There’s so much to be said here, but in an effort to stay away from the “shame-based” approach toward physical interaction – and to answer your question frankly: no, I don’t think you need to wait until marriage to kiss. But let me unpack that a little bit. I think kissing, if done thoughtfully and deliberately, can be a way to add a sense of connection and affection to a relationship that is moving toward marriage.

So, how do you do it “correctly”? One of my favourite quotes about kissing I heard from a pastor somewhere along the way said it like this: 

“Make sure your kiss is a reflection of your love – not your lust.”

And the truth is – there is a huge difference between the two. A kiss can be an act of gratitude for this person you’ve been given, or it can be an act of greed to satisfy something inside of you. This is where it crosses the line and has the potential to lead to other self-serving sexual acts. And to be honest, if you feel like you’re not mature enough or strong enough to keep a kiss as a sign of love, than yes, it’s probably better for you and for your loved one to keep away from kissing all together until you can learn to practice healthy boundaries.

There are so many ways to show affection in a relationship, and a kiss is certainly one of them. But in doing so, always make sure that the display of your love isn’t entirely based on physical expression, because even in marriage, physical intimacy is a small fraction of a relationship in light of all the other ways two people express love and commitment to one another.

So if you’re going to kiss, let it be an expression of your love – not your lust.

WHY CHRISTIAN WOMEN NEED TO STOP “WAITING ON MEN”

 Q: How long should a woman “wait” for him to step up and ask her out before she gives up on him and moves on?

A: Before I tackle this question I have to say that I chose this particular question to represent a bigger issue. You see, out of the hundreds of questions submitted, I started noticing a theme that actually made me sad.

Question after question, I was hearing from women with similar concerns. Questions like:

Why do men expect so much but give so little?

How do you attract men, not boys?

Why is it so difficult to meet godly men, who don’t just profess their beliefs but actually run after God?

As a Christian women, does it set a poor precedent to be the one initiating a relationship?

We’ve been friends for years, how do I know if he likes me?

What do men think of a girl pursuing them?

The easy answer to the above questions would be to write more and more articles to the men telling them to give more, to ask more, to get healthier, to become stronger, to be godlier…and on and on and on. But first of all, that would take way too much time. And second of all, I think by answering all of the above questions in that way, we’re missing something pretty big: DEFERRED RESPONSIBILITY. That’s the one thing I see in common with all of the above questions.

What I mean by that statement is that it seems to me that in Christian circles, we have created a culture of single women who automatically defer the responsibility in their relationships to the man: 

Men should _________________________ (fill in the blank).

But instead of just waiting for the men to do ________________, I think it’s time for us women to step it up and take responsibility for our lives and relationships.  Here’s how:

START SPENDING TIME WITH BETTER GUYS — BECAUSE THEY’RE OUT THERE!

I always get questions from women disappointed in the men in their lives. Lying, cheating, passive, arrogant, rude, selfish…the list goes on and on of the things I hear. But one thing I want to say to these single women is to stop simply complaining about the “jerks” in your life and instead do something about it! Invest your time in the good ones! They’re out there and they’re waiting! I KNOW they’re out there, because I interact with them every single day through this blog and through the churches, colleges, and conferences I visit. Believe it or not, there are still good guys out there! So often women have a hard time believing this, and so settle for men who treat them poorly. Take responsibility for your relationships by investing your time in people who value your time.

STOP BEING OKAY WITH GIVING SO MUCH AND RECEIVING SO LITTLE

Another thing that comes up again and again is the idea of women who give too much, and men who give too little. But partly I think this is also a representation of the kind of relationships we’re allowing ourselves to engage in as women! If someone is giving too little, why waste another moment trying to convince them to give more? If this is the kind of dating relationship you’re in, imagine how terrible it will be to carry that kind of interaction into marriage? Take responsibility for your relationships by saying no to one-sided relationships.

STOP WAITING AROUND AND START LIVING!

I recently read a Christian article that encouraged women to “wait on the men”. I’ll be honest, I totally yelled at my computer screen at some point during that article. Since when are we called to “wait on men”? For some reason, I was pretty sure Scripture encouraged us to wait on God…..but hey, I could be wrong.

I see an interesting culture of conservative Christian women who believe that they should just wait around, letting the men in their lives “lead the way”, all-the-while passively following along in an ambiguous, awkward, who-knows-what-this-is kind of relationship where they have no idea if the guy is interested in them or just sees them as their “sister in Christ”.

But what gets me is that not only are they waiting, they’re making excuses for him along the way: maybe he’s too shy, maybe he hasn’t yet heard from God, maybe he’s trying to guard my heart, maybe he’s intimidated by me……..and with all the excuses, they continue to wait, and wait, and wait.

And what we get in the end is a whole lot of capable, godly, beautiful, amazing women who are just waiting around for the man to do something, all the while passing their lives away.

I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again: Christian woman get so bogged down by the concept of men being “leaders” that we fail to recognize that God only calls us into this kind of “leading” relationship within the walls of a loving, respect-filled, and mutually submissive marriage.

As single women, we need to take responsibility for our relationships by making sure to catch ourselves when we start moving into “ambiguous territory”. When your relationship with a man starts getting exclusive, emotionally intimate, physical/sexual, or starts to resemble a dating relationship in some way – don’t you DARE wait around for the next few years (or even months) wondering what’s going on in his head.

Protect your heart by either taking a few steps back and either giving him room to pursue you, or go ahead and ask him what’s up!! “Our friendship is starting to look more like dating….What are your intentions here?” It’s time for women to stop blindly following, and instead take responsibility for their relationships by protecting their hearts and minds from the zone of ambiguity, because it’s right there in the twilight zone of relationships that the most heart-break and confusion actually occurs.

Christian women need to take responsibility of their lives and their relationships, because God calls us to guard our hearts above all else, and that’s what this means. Because ladies, anything valuable, is worth protecting – AND EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU IS SO EXTREMELY VALUABLE.

Can I please get an Amen? If you hollered “Amen” at some point in this article do me a favour and share, tweet, or re-post.

HOW CAN GOD FORGET ABOUT ME?

 If you’ve ever been in a tough situation and wondered…

“How Can God Forget About Me?“

I have the answer for you. God can not and will not forget about you.

Why?…

Because He created you, which means He wrote the book of your life at the moment of creation. Every detail of your life, God knows about. So that creative idea you’re afraid to start working on, He knows about that. The desire in your heart that you’ve been carrying around for years, that you feel God hasn’t acknowledged, He is totally aware of that too.

He knows. God is our heavenly father, which means, He is our parent. He takes care of us, He knows what we need, and when we will need it. He has provided for and protected us at times when we didn’t even know that we needed Him. That definitely doesn’t sound like a God who forgets about His children.

I think we need to make it a daily habit to remind ourselves of all the things God has done for us. God doesn’t forget about us, but we often forget about how He has made a way for us throughout our lives.

When we are able to recall the many blessings God has showered on us, we get into a mind-frame of gratitude. Then gratitude opens the door to seeing life with a totally different perspective.

God’s abundance resides in our gratitude. There are so many possibilities, when we are just grateful for what we have.  Through that gratitude, we learn to be content in our circumstances (not to be confused with complacent), because we are 100% confident in who God is and His timing in our lives.

Here are some scriptures to meditate on, when you feel like God has forgotten about you.

Think on positive things- Philippians 4:8-9 

Summing it all up, friends, I’d say you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies.

Every good and perfect thing comes from God- James 1:16-18 

So, my very dear friends, don’t get thrown off course. Every desirable and beneficial gift comes out of heaven. The gifts are rivers of light cascading down from the Father of Light. There is nothing deceitful in God, nothing two-faced, nothing fickle. He brought us to life using the true Word, showing us off as the crown of all his creatures.

God wants to give you the desires of your heart- Psalm 37: 4-5 

Delight thyself also in the Lord: and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. 

Commit thy way unto the Lord; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass.

8 WAYS TO PRAY FOR YOUR LOVE LIFE (OR LACK THEREOF!)

I’ve been challenged lately with my tendency to think about things, rather than pray about them. 

There’s been a series of difficult events occurring in my life, and I find that I’m quick to analyze, figure out, and try to put the pieces together.  I guess what it comes down to is that I am somewhat of a control freak.  For me, if I can’t have control, I fool myself into thinking that I’ve got some sort of ability to “figure it out” in my head.

But as I’ve been weeding through Scripture lately, I’m realizing that my tendency to over-

analyze is so antithesis to what God’s word says.  All through Scripture Jesus is challenging us: Don’t just dwell on things, pray about them.  Prayer is the act by which we mentally hand over our problems, concerns, fears, desires, and dreams to someone who actually has the power to control.  And it makes so much sense, because if we’re going to allow these things to fill our brain, we are better off doing it in a way that has the power to impact the things that are weighing us down, rather than simply allowing them to consume us. 

So for those of you who may find yourself consumed by your love life- or lack thereof, here are some ways to mentally and prayerfully hand those things to the One who can actually do something about it: 

Pray… 

1.       That God would give you a relationship (Matthew 7:7)!  God’s word challenges us to ask and bring our needs before God.  As long as our hearts are aligned with His, there are no limits on what we can ask.  What are your deepest needs and desires when it comes to a relationship?  Let Him know. 

2.       That He would grant you patience and insight to wait for a good one (Isaiah 40:31).  Waiting on God is never easy, because once again, it is a reminder that we are not in control.  But through the time of waiting, ask God to change you, nourish you, and fill you so that you are empowered and prepared to take the next steps when the timing is right. 

3.       That He would be working out anything unhealthy in your life (Jeremiah 33:8).  Some of our baggage and sin we can recognize, and some we can’t.  As you seek to enhance your love life, be sure to ask God to help you recognize and heal all the things in your life that aren’t lining up with His best.  Seek to get to the bottom of your sins, and ask for His healing power to be at work in your life. 

4.       That He would shape your heart for nourishing interactions with others (Colossians 3:12-14).  It’s important to learn how to love, rather than simply longing to be loved.  When your heart is open to loving and edifying others the way it was meant to, your relationships will be enriched and empowered. 

5.       That He would bring healing into your past so that you are free to embrace the present (Philippians 3:13-14).  We are called to move forward, and forget what is behind.  Sometimes, it’s easy to get stuck on our past and be paralyzed from living in the present.  No matter what kinds of things your past may hold, ask God to be at work in your past so that you are free to live in the moment and embrace your present. 

6.       That He would protect your emotional world and give you wisdom of how to set healthy boundaries (Proverbs 4:23).  I talk a lot about guarding our hearts and how to practically do that, but how often do we actually pray about our hearts and emotional worlds?  God longs to be a part of our emotions just as much as our spiritual life.  He is a holistic God, who longs to interact with our mind, body, and soul.  Give Him a chance by opening your emotional life to Him through prayer. 

7.       That He would open your eyes to the joy of doing sex His way (Hebrews 13:4).  It’s so easy to focus on what we can’t do before marriage, and end up harbouring bitterness and resentment.  But what if we were to ask God to open our eyes to doing life His way?  What if we were to plead with Him to download His heart onto ours, so that we could truly understand what is best for our lives?  Rather than struggling with His plan, let’s ask Him to reveal His heart to ours, particularly in the area of sex and sexuality, so that we can be freed to trust Him without bitterness or regret.  (More on this in Chapter 8 of True Love Dates)

8.       That God would be the focus of your life now and forever (Psalm 37:4).  At the end of the day, no matter how we view it, there is no gift that is greater than the Giver.   Whether we feel that or not, it doesn’t cease to be true.  May we continue to bring this request before God, so that He can turn our hearts to Him as our greatest delight and desire, because perspective has the power to change everything. 

by Debra Fileta