Confessions of a Female Porn Addict

Porn addictions do not discriminate.

For the last few weeks, I have been writing about how we need to change the way we talk about sex in church; sex is not just for men, but for women as well. However, the same applies to porn. It is not just men who are getting addicted to porn, but women as well. Nevertheless, we say porn is “Every Man’s Battle” and don’t acknowledge the battle that many women are fighting on their own in secret.

Today Beth Nyhart, author of Rend Your Heart & Not Your Garments is going to talk about her past struggles as a female porn addict.

Here’s Beth:

If you met me at 16, you would have seen a tall red-headed girl who had been homeschooled her whole life.

As we talked you might have learned that I loved music and drama, that I wanted to be a missionary when I grew up, and that church was a second home to me.

I doubt you would have been able to guess that I was addicted to pornography.

In the early 2000s my youth group was all about purity culture. Teen girls wore silver rings and wrote letters for their future husbands to open on wedding nights. We learned to kiss dating goodbye, and that saving yourself for marriage was a pivotal part of being a Christian.

I’m not saying that any of that was bad. But it didn’t help me.

When the topic of pornography came up it was addressed to the boys, because everyone knew that men are sexually stimulated visually. The girls were taught about modesty and finding our emotional fulfillment in Jesus. I sat through these teachings nodding and taking it in but all the while feeling like something must be wrong with me. It seemed like I was a deviant foul-hearted freak of nature sitting in a group of innocents. If nobody taught girls about porn that meant girls weren’t supposed to be dealing with porn. I was obviously the only one.

That’s a lie.

I can catch them more easily now that I’ve had a decade of practice. Satan has whispered that lie in the ear of so many young women who look around wondering if anyone can help them, then lower their eyes in shame. The accuser taunts, “No one can help you, if they even knew about you they’d be disgusted. They think you are a good example to the other girls, but if they knew what you were doing last night you’d never show your face here again.”

My double life started at the age of 8 when I was first introduced to pornography and it continued until I was 18 and finally found a way to confess my sin and get help. One of the characteristics of pornography is that as you indulge in it, the compulsions escalate. Your body develops a threshold to what you are feeding it and you find yourself needing a harder hit. In porn terms that means it needs to be more degrading; more taboo. And you’d better believe that Satan is on board with inventing new lows as our addiction-ridden brains need stimuli. This is one of the reasons that PornHub’s 2018 year in review stats show that the most searched for types of porn are homosexual, underage, incestuous, violence, animated, and porn with multiple participants. If you are wondering why animated is on that list, it’s because the human body has limitations, but animation opens up a world of disgusting possibilities.

Another one of Satan’s lies is that getting married will solve the problems you have with lust. But as you cultivate a desire for pornography and train your body to become aroused by the variety of porn out there, what you are doing is creating desires in yourself that a monogamous marriage relationship will never be able to fulfill. Just being allowed to have sex isn’t enough when you’ve rewired your brain and body to respond to pornography.

I was caught in what I call a sin/confess cycle.

I would indulge in pornography and then feel such shame that I’d cry out to God in desperation. I prayed that He would change me, take this temptation away, or fix whatever was broken inside of my body. Over and over again He would give me the same answer: CONFESS.

Confess. Not just to God, but to another person. Admit out loud what I had been doing and that I needed help. That was unthinkable. I could never in a million years confess this sin.

But God has a way of driving us down to the end of ourselves and forcing us to face what He asks of us. After years of emotional and spiritual turmoil I knew that this was never going to go away on its own. I started praying that God would give me the strength to obey Him in the act of confession, and He was faithful to provide for me.

My temptations didn’t go away overnight.

I had 10 years of habits to unlearn, I had a relationship with the Holy Spirit that was old and new at the same time. I had to re-internalize the basics of Christianity that hadn’t been able to impact my heart before in quite the same way. But I surrounded myself with people who knew my struggle and were willing to walk through it with me, and I thank God for them every day.

Sin is the same across the board, though the earthly consequences may vary (There are amazing Christian therapy and recovery programs for people who are dealing with addictions). The woman struggling to contain the bitterness in her heart and the woman struggling to control her sexual urges are both separated from God by their sin. And both of them need to deal with it!

The basics of how to deal with sin are:

Come to God with a broken and contrite heart over your sin (Psalm 51:17)

Ask Him to provide everything you need to live a godly life, which when dealing with sin is the right opportunity, person, and strength to confess and repent (2 Peter 1:3)

Obey God in the act of confession (James 5:16)

Accept the forgiveness that He offers you through the blood of Jesus Christ (Ephesians 1:7)

Surround yourself with other believers who will walk with you, hold you accountable, and encourage you (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12)

Daily allow the Spirit to transform you by renewing your mind (Romans 12:1-2)

The thing about sin is that we are all universally unable to handle it in our own willpower.

We need God to do all of the work for us, and only by surrendering to His work in our hearts are we conformed into the likeness of Christ.

As I speak and write about sin, my heart’s desire is to invite people to come out of the darkness and into the light. God has so much for us, so much peace and purpose that He generously lavishes on us. But so many people spend their lives ensnared in sin and unwilling to let go of it. Satan might be telling you that your sin isn’t that big of a deal, or he might be telling you that your sin is the worst ever and nobody can find out. But either way, he is wrong.

Your sin is common. Unextraordinary. The typical fallen human experience. I’m not afraid or impressed by the depth or the breadth of it. Your sin is rotting your heart, keeping you from true fellowship with God, and hurting your church body every day you don’t deal with it. And your sin is completely 100% deal-with-able.

Don’t wait another moment to come to God with your hands high in surrender. Turn yourself in and trust your soul to the One who is in the business of redeeming weakness for His glory.

Boundaries In A Relationship

You are finally in your dream relationship, and you feel like it would last forever. However, not setting boundaries can be the wild card which you never considered. Setting boundaries in relationships for most people seem unnecessary. 

After all, the fact that they have been together for a long time would mean those boundaries would sooner or later not be important anymore. However, setting boundaries can preserve the respect and dignity in the relationship. In fact, it can make the relationship to be truly lasting.

While this is true, it may be a harder task to know how to effectively set boundaries in relationships. If you find yourself in a similar situation, then you are in the right place. In this article, we shall be considering essential tips which would help you set up boundaries effectively. Here are some of the most salient tips;

1. Communication
The first thing that is needed when setting boundaries in relationships is effective communication. The ability to express yourself honestly and clearly to another person is a gift which many people struggle. However, this is essential if you want to see your relationship blossom. It would also come in handy when you are dealing with boundaries.

Try to talk to your partners about the things which you like to set boundaries about. It is always recommended that you start with something your partner does well instead of going all out against them. Also, try to ensure that your partner is in a good or positive mood before you begin.

When communicating, your goal should be to improve your relationship. It would, therefore, be unnecessary for you to use a sarcastic tone or a rude comment when talking about a trait you do not like in your partner. Try not to downgrade the opinions of your partner especially if it does not agree with your own opinions.

When you mastered the art of communication with your partner, you would realize that half of your work is done.

2. Assumptions
One major thing you would have to avoid when setting boundaries are assumptions. Making assumptions about how your partner feels about a particular issue or trying to guess the feelings of your spouse based on their actions would be really wrong and may even lead to the deterioration of your relationship.

Granted, many couples have been together for several years, perhaps even decades. However, the truth is that there are always new things to learn about a person with each passing days. Also, people’s opinions change over time.

It is, therefore, important that you ask your partner what he or she feels about a particular issue, instead of assuming. This would make sure that you do not misjudge an issue. It’s vital to ask questions concerning the feelings of your partner; it would make them feel valued and prevent misunderstanding.

3. Discipline
Discipline is an essential step when it comes to set boundaries in relationships. When you are setting boundaries with your partner, you have to make sure that you are disciplined enough to follow through with any boundaries which you have set.

It would be of no use if you set a boundary in your relationship and break it under the slimmest pressure. For a boundary to have full effect, it is important that you execute it to full effect. This is also one way you can show your partner just how serious you are about the boundaries which you have set.

Therefore, it’s crucial to avoid making any exceptions to the boundaries which you have set. Once there are exceptions, the possibility of you dropping your hands on certain aspects of your boundaries would be much more likely.

4. Think
It is very easy for people to stop thinking when they are in relationships. There are so many emotions involved in a relationship, and really you cannot blame anyone for feeling a lot. However, the art of thinking is especially important when you are having relationship problems. When an issue occurs, it is very easy to look for all the flaws and mistakes in your partner and put all the blame on them. However, most times, it is not always their fault.

Sometimes, you should consciously take in all the actions that you have taken in a relationship. Try to see if you might have in one way or the other caused the problem or made your partner behave in a particular manner. Indeed, taking time to take about matters can make a difference in the boundaries in relationships.

5. Move on?
Sometimes, relationships aren’t just meant to be. Most partners might not be compatible, or some might just not be ready to make adjustments. It is important to distinguish between a partner who puts in efforts make the relationship better and a partner who is simply indifferent to all the boundaries you set. It is even worse if you have a partner who disrespects the boundaries which you have set and found them repulsive.

No matter how much you love someone, there are certain ways in which one should not be treated in a relationship. You should never be treated abusively or insignificantly (not as your partner’s priority). If you find that you are accorded the kind of respect or dignity you should have, then it might just be time to leave the relationship.

You should always remember that it is not your fault that your partner does not have the ability to communicate his or her feelings and that your partner is the only one who bears responsibility for that. Take time to analyze the relationship and decide what your next move would be.

Conclusion
Setting boundaries in relationships is not an easy task. However, it is one of the most important things you need to do to have a healthy relationship.

Without adequate and healthy boundaries, it would be impossible to grow a relationship with love, respect, and dignity for each other. You would keep on having conflicts which you can’t understand why. With this mind, it’s necessary to communicate with your partner about your boundaries regularly.

Avoid assuming what your partner feels or thinks about a particular issue and move on when you realize that things are simply not working out. Making the right decision would lead to blessings in the future.

BUT THE GREATEST OF THESE IS LOVE PT. 5

Why does she do these things!!?Rue exploded aloud as she yanked her hair up into a ponytail before snatching open her bedroom door. The faint sounds of their laughter grew louder as she made her way to the room where Naima and Rue’s surprise guest were seated. When Rue saw who it was waiting to see her she stood in the entryway unable to neither move nor speak. She found herself observing his every move and being captivated by his gentle ways, calming tone, and respectful interactions with Naima. Rue didn’t know how long she had been standing in the entryway observing him, but he was oblivious to her presence until Naima called for Rue to enter into the room and join them.

Immediately he stood up and adjusted his suit jacket, picked up the vase of two dozen white long stem roses, and walked towards Rue. He handed them to her and said: “These are for you Rue. How are you…how are you doing?” Rue smiled and thanked him for the roses without answering either of his questions.

He looked at her facial expression and said: “I have to explain to you about last night. When I saw my cousin Lavelle with you, I wanted to know what his intentions were with you. So, I pulled him aside and asked him if he was going to marry you. He told me that he had no intentions of committing to you and marrying you. So I told him to leave you alone. Rue, you deserve someone who will love and commit to you in marriage.”

Rue placed the vase of roses down on the coffee table and sat down on the sofa. Her eyebrows furrowed and lips curled as she blurted out: “We didn’t work out…that’s why you and I only went out on that one date and haven’t spoken ever since until right now…”He responded to Rue saying: “But it did work out. I want to marry you…have a family with you…love and care for you and make you happy until the day I die.  When I first saw you, I knew that I wanted to marry you…our date was just confirmation for me.”

Rue stared at Bodie as if he were delusional. He knelt down in front of her, stared into her eyes and stated,“Timing is everything and my timing was completely off during our date; you lashed out at me because you were hurting. Your soul was broken because you lost your husband. You were just going through the motions, trying to keep it all together. I’m sorry my questions overwhelmed you and pushed you over the edge.”

Bodie continued, “Ever since our date, I have been unable to get you off of my mind. I haven’t dated nor pursued any woman except you. For a year and a half I’ve been calling Naima twice a week to check on you and see how you’re doing. Rue, I want you to know that I am okay with you not being okay because I understand that healing takes time. So I will continue to pray for you until you receive your breakthrough and are able to smile…laugh…live and love again…”

Rue jumped up from the sofa; Bodie reached for both of her hands and said “Please talk to me Rue…. Please tell me what I said that made you uncomfortable.”  Without hesitation, Rue responded and said: “This…all of this is too much! The way you’re talking to me right now as if you know me…as if you really care and are concerned about me…what do you want with a woman who is broken!?”

Bodie responded and said,“I am concerned about you because you’re a part of me…you’re my rib. You were gently and carefully crafted by God, for me. It is my responsibility to pray, care and love you to wholeness…if you’ll let me…will you let me?” As Rue looked at Bodie sideways, Naima cleared her throat and said “It’s time for you to stop holding it in and tell him the truth Rue…”

LET'S TALK PORN

No one likes to talk about sex in the church. When I was growing up, the only thing I was taught was “don’t even think about it until you’re married”.

When I found myself in school, the struggle got really real, real quick!

I knew sex was for marriage. That I did know. But watching a little porn every now and then wouldn’t hurt right? WRONG!

Many people say that when they hear about someone who is addicted to pornography, they automatically think it’s a man. Pornography is not just a man thing. In fact, it’s becoming more and more common with women. Christian women to be specific.

As for me, It started out being an occasional thing. Then it went from an occasional thing to an everyday thing.

At some point, I knew it had gotten out of control. But I was too embarrassed to tell anyone and too proud to get help. I was determined to tackle this thing on my own. After all, it’s not that big of a deal right? ***sigh*** Boy was I wrong!

Here are helpful tips for the Christian addicted to pornography.

1. SURRENDER TO GOD

I secretly battled an addiction to pornography for years. At times, I felt like I wasn’t saved because this recurring sin kept me in bondage. I felt hopeless to overcome it, until finally one day I surrendered.

Amazingly, God took that desire away, and I am pornography free today. I was freed from this powerful stronghold by surrendering it to God. Victory is only possible by surrender: surrendering to God.

God promised to give us a new heart and new desires, writing through the prophet Ezekiel, “I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh” (Ezek. 36:26).

God will do just that, giving us a new heart with new desires, a desire to obey Him.

2. GET AN ACCOUNTABILITY PARTNER

Don’t be embarrassed to confess your sins.

The Body of Christ needs one another, and one example is a married friend of mine. I needed to be held accountable for my addiction to porn, so she volunteered to become my accountability partner.

She wanted me to call her every few days to report how my week was going.

I would have to tell her if I had been into pornography again or if I had remained free from this sin during the week.

If I was watching porn and then I lied to her about it, I’d add more guilt upon myself by adding lying to her. It just wasn’t worth it.

Having someone to reach out to and be accountable to, can help. I called my accountability partner whenever I was being tempted so we could pray together.

3. FAST AND PRAY IT OUT

In the Scriptures where Jesus taught the disciples how to pray, He included in this prayer, “And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one” (Matt. 6:13).

So we can pray for deliverance from the sin of pornography. Jesus saw lusting in the heart as being like adultery (Matt. 5:28), and pornography is certainly lusting in the heart.

We need to fall on our knees before God for His Spirit to strengthen our resolve to resist this temptation and deliver us from the evil one.

The enemy would love nothing more than to keep us in this pigpen of sin so that our faith would be shaken.

4. SET BOUNDARIES

Pluck Out the Eye… This sounds harsh, but when Jesus said “if your eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life with one eye than with two eyes to be thrown into the hell of fire” (Matt. 18:8), He was speaking in hyperbolic language or using extreme exaggeration to make a point.

His point is to take extreme measures to get rid of the source of the sin, so if you get your source of pornography on the Internet, get rid of it, or at least find someone you trust to help you set up an Internet filter that’s password protected.

PORNOGRAPHY HAS NO POWER OVER YOU!

Every one of us is still sin (1 John 1:8, 10), but every one of us can confess our sins and be cleansed from all of our unrighteousness, including pornography (1 John 1:9).

God doesn’t want us to wallow in our sins but to struggle and overcome them.

The good news is that if someone is battling an addiction to pornography and they hate it, that gives clear evidence of the Holy Spirit’s working in them. It’s good to be in a battle over it because this shows their heart’s desire is to live a holy, pure life before God.

Lessons Learnt From My Ex-girlfriends

While a lot of guys may not be so quick to admit it, I have been dumped by some women over the years. Perhaps you have, too; maybe not. Either way, I'm a firm believer in learning from the mistakes of the past and other people.

With that in mind, I'd like to share some things that I have learned from the women who have dumped me, in the hopes that it will help your relationship go more smoothly.

Lesson #1: SHARE AND SHARE ALIKE
What this means is that each person is likely to blame the other for the break up. But the truth is that you both contributed to the break up in some way. By taking an honest look at what went wrong, and your role in it, you can make a conscious effort to avoid making the same mistakes in the future.

Lesson #2: WOMEN STILL NEED THEIR SPACE
As a guy it may seem that women always like to snuggle and cuddle when they are around. But they also need some time alone. To make things worse, a lot of guys can be possessive and try to know what their partner is up to at all times.

And if you have had a woman that was unfaithful in the past, then this tendency is even stronger, however, by doing this you are showing distrust, and no relationship can survive in that kind of atmosphere. 

So, even though it can be hard, do your best to let your girlfriend do the things she likes to do, and don't feel that you always have to give her the third degree about what she's doing.

Lesson #3: TIME HEALS
The first few days after a break up are the absolute worst. After that, you will start to come to terms with what happened. Sure, there will emotional ups and downs, but it will get easier as time goes on.

If it doesn't, then it may be a good idea to see a qualified counselor to help you. You can also use this pain in the future by reminding yourself it's easier to work on the tough problems while you are in the relationship than to suffer through a break up.

Lesson #4: ACCEPT THE FACTS
When first starting a relationship, you may feel as if you have found your soulmate. You were even imagining a wonderful future together, and may have even talked about it.

But, over time, things start to go downhill. You start to wonder what you ever saw in her, and she probably feels the same way about you. Then you break up. 

Now you don't just feel bad about splitting up, you also feel bad about missing out on the future you imagined. However, remember that it's better to end things now if it really wasn't meant to be.

Lesson #5: HAPPINESS ISN'T AN ACCIDENT
To put it another way: Relationship doesn't happen like that, it takes work. You can't just let stuff happen to you, you have to take responsibility for making it what you want it to be. This may be the most important lesson of all.

To Be Continued...

BUT THE GREATEST OF THESE IS LOVE PT. 4

Rue sighed as she stared out the window and admired the beautiful sunset. Reliving memories was where she found solace, it was her happy place. She picked up from where she left off and decided to audio journal. Rue tapped the record button on her laptop and began talking…

“For years I enjoyed the prestigious lifestyle my boyfriend offered me. I foolishly believed him when he told me that he would marry me. Well, that never happened because he dumped me. As usual, I ran to my best friend and cried nonstop on his shoulder. He assured me that he wasn’t going anywhere and everything would be okay. His comforting words made me cry even harder because I knew that he had every right to say: I told you so. He told me to leave that guy because this would happen. I heard him, but I didn’t listen. He held me a little tighter and let me cry until I tired myself out and given myself a terrible headache.”

He saw in me the hidden parts of my soul that even I couldn’t see.

“For as long as I can remember, my late husband was always a part of my family; he and I were truly best friends. He was the very voice of reason that I needed, but always objected because his truths went against every selfish want and desire I welcomed into my life. He saw in me the hidden parts of my soul that even I couldn’t see. He never gave up on me and continuously pushed me to become a better version of myself, holistically. He encouraged me to never settle for any form of  mediocrity in my life.”

“After my breakup and throughout my healing process, he refused to allow my spirit to remain broken. He spoke words of  affirmation over me and words of life into my soul. He prayed over me when I couldn’t express to God what I was feeling or even thinking. He covered me; if it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t have healed. My healing process lasted for three years; on the day of  my restoration, he asked me to enter into a committed relationship with him. We dated and when I was ready to commit to him in marriage, he proposed and married me.”

Rue continued to record her thoughts. “By this time in my life, I was able to see the potential he saw in me all along. I was no longer afraid of possibly failing if I stepped out on faith. This life, my new life, became my reality! I was ready to walk in my purpose boldly and unashamedly. The best part of it was having by my side the man who saw things coming into fruition for me many years before they happened. God allowed me to marry my best friend, and I loved my husband with every fiber in my body.”

I didn’t love him for what he could do for me. I loved him for everything he was to me throughout my lifetime.

“Society loves to place a gauge on love and marriage. You see, when you set the bar low with boundaries and stipulations in your marriage, you diminish the institution in its entirety. Your minimum efforts becomes your highest standard and anything done above that level: you label as ‘putting in hard work.’  Now you’re wondering: Is he really worth it…Is she really worth it? Do I want to remain with her or Do I want to remain with him ‘til death do us part? All of this points to value and whether or not you value your mate.”

“Individually, each person chooses how to solidify their marriage. For us, God solidified ours. We maintained our relationship with Christ individually and as a unit. This key component led us to understand the importance of valuing one another. The value my late husband and I placed on each other was high and neither one of us had a desire to step outside of our marriage. I can say this because we discussed this with one another honestly and openly. We accepted and loved one another for whom we were individually, not for whom we needed to be according to society’s list of guidelines…”

The tap on Rue’s bedroom door interrupted her recording. Naima opened the door, peaked her head in and whispered, “He called you, so I invited him over….he’s dressed  nicely and is waiting for you in the guest room.” “Who?” Rue asked. “Oh, and he’s joining us for dinner too,” Naima whispered. “Who!?” Rue asked. Naima smiled and quickly shut the door…

Look out for the next installment of this short story series.  

BUT THE GREATEST OF THESE IS LOVE PT. 3

I placed my fork down and finished chewing my food, then looked that man directly in his eyes and asked: “What did you say?” Feeling extremely confident, he repeated the questions verbatim: “If you could describe happiness, joy and peace in your life—how would you describe each of them? What activates these three emotions in your life daily? When determining what you will or will not allow in your life, do you consider how it will impact your happiness, joy and peace? If you do—why do you; if you don’t why don’t you? What is the source of your happiness, joy and peace? If you could build a new life around those three emotions, how would you go about doing so and ensuring they never fade?”

I tossed my napkin onto the table and through clenched teeth said to him: “I did not sign up for this nonsense. As a matter of fact, I am here tonight, only out of courtesy for Naima.” He stretched his hand across the table, gently touched my hand and said to me: “Rue, what did I say that made you so angry?” I snatched my hand away from his and shouted at him: “So you believe that facilitating some test is going to work for you? Source of happiness…joy and peace? No man, not even my late husband has ever asked me what makes me happy, joyful and peaceful. No sir, this that you’re doing right now, it will not work with me!”

By this time, he was on his feet staring at me with the most confused look on his face. What made me angrier was how clueless and concerned he was acting towards me—passive aggressiveness at its finest.
Bodie stared into my eyes and calmly said to me: “Rue, I asked you those questions for two reasons: the first reason is because I am very much interested in pursuing you and getting to know you, if you will let me.”

“The second reason is because you just started working for my company, so I want to capture everything you’re passionate about and custom-make a position that allows you to fulfill your dreams. I want to make you happy Rue. I should have been upfront and forthcoming with you regarding my intentions. I am sorry for not doing that and so sorry for offending you. Please forgive me.”

I heard everything he said but was too far gone in my state of anger. I quietly stood up from the table, grabbed my clutch purse and rushed past him out of the restaurant. He followed me out of the restaurant to the car and said: “Rue, if you would just consider coming back inside of the restaurant with me and talking to me, I know we can work this misunderstanding out. Rue…”

I jumped, no I threw myself into the backseat of the car that was waiting to take me home. I slammed and locked the car door before he could even reach for the door handle, then leaned my head back against the headrest as the driver drove off. Bodie was left standing on the sidewalk looking bewildered and shocked.

Immediately, my cell phone rang; it was Bodie. Instantaneously, I sent his call to voice mail and blocked his number from my cell. I closed my eyes and sighed as I thought about why this man’s string of questions made me so angry to the point I couldn’t answer them. Bodie’s questions exposed what I hadn’t taken the time to notice until now: my late-husband was the answer to each and every one of his questions.

Rue abruptly stopped typing, snatched her ear pods from out of her ears and wondered: has my joy, happiness and peace really been wrapped up in a man for all of these years!?

Look out for the next installment of this short story series.

How would you answer Bodie’s questions? Share in the comment session below!

Looking For True Love?

Many people tend to ignore this topic as they only care about the result, however, you can't achieve your desired result without knowing what exactly you are looking for?!

Give yourself a quiet moment now, stop thinking about your problems, as you are embarking on the journey to settle them all....

Often I heard people ask "How can I find my true love?" But how many of us really know what we are searching for?

How can you find something if you don't really know what it is?

I know there are also many couples who have been together for a long time, but even they are not so sure if they have found true love. So if you are single, feeling hopeless and lost, don’t be… You are really not alone.

There are thousands of different definitions about Love, I am not asking you to simply search for the definition, the exercise here is to trigger you to define your desired love. What kind of feelings, behaviors, situations and etc will make you feel in love? 

If you are not clear about it, even when love accidentally land on your lap, it will slowly leave again as you do not understand what it is asking and giving.

ACT Now: Get a paper and pen (no, not your Smartphone: you will only get distracted) and write down what true love means to you. Everyone of us have different definition, you don't have to get approval or permission from anyone only your heart!

After you finish the above, now start to think What Exactly Do You Want?

If you have already defined your own true love, you should define your ideal partner. Write down your own 'rules'.

I have heard people say: "actually i don't have criteria for my ideal partner, as long as she/he loves me, we are happy together!" 

BUT, sorry, it doesn't work this way! We all have certain criteria about our ideal partner, either we don't want to think about it or we don't want to admit it. By denying this lead many people to keep dating the "wrong person". 

When the relationship is new, you both might take your requirements lighter, however, for a longer time, you will start to blame or complain at each other for the 'things' you don't want in your love life. Many of us have this experience right? 

This is the problem if you are not clear about what you want at the first place! 

You don't have to list down everything about your ideal partner, but certain criteria, especially the ones that are essential to you. 

While some things on your list can be negotiable, you should also include a few ‘deal breakers.’

Only include the things that you truly and strongly feel about and might cause potential problem in your future relationships.

For instance, if you know for sure you want to have kids, it doesn’t make sense to plan a future with someone who doesn't want to have children at all. 

And a silly thought many of us have is to CHANGE the person, "if she/he loves me, she/he will change" Reality is not like this, doing so will only make both parties suffer.

If you already know she/he is not the ideal one you are looking for, don't force it! Don't settle for less, you deserve much better than you thought!

Think..

I really hope you enjoy today's mini exercise and truly hope you take them seriously. It is not rocket science, but many people don't tell you like this...

 

Feel free to let me know if you need any help on this too:) 

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