FRIENDSHIP OR ROMANCE?—What Signals Am I Receiving? Part 2

You like to be available when a friend needs to talk. And lately you’ve been talking to one friend a lot. The problem is, it’s someone of the opposite sex. ‘We’re just friends,’ you tell yourself, assuming that the other person feels the same way. Should you be concerned?

 

WHAT CAN HAPPEN

It’s not wrong to have friends of the opposite sex. But what if you develop a special friendship with one person over others? In that case, he or she may well conclude that you want more than friendship.

Not the message you want to send? Consider some ways that it might happen, even inadvertently.

·         You give someone too much attention.

“Although you can’t control someone else’s feelings, you shouldn’t add fuel to the fire by saying you’re just friends but then calling and talking to that person all the time.”—Sierra.

·         You respond to someone’s attention.

“I didn’t initiate the texting, but I always replied to one girl’s numerous messages. After that, it was difficult for me to explain to her that I viewed her as just a friend.”—Richard.

·         You encourage someone’s attention.

“Some people think flirting is a game. They play with others’ feelings without being serious about a relationship. I’ve seen it happen repeatedly, and someone always gets hurt.”—Tamara.

The bottom line: Regular communication and attention send signals of romantic interest.

 

WHY IT MATTERS

·         It hurts the other person.

The Bible says: “Expectation postponed makes the heart sick.” (Proverbs 13:12) What expectation would you have if someone kept sending you signals of romantic interest?

“There’s an expression, ‘Keeping someone on the hook.’ It refers to when you’ve caught a fish but you neither release it nor reel it in. That can happen in a relationship. If you aren’t interested in dating but you keep someone ‘on the hook,’ you will cause that person a lot of pain.”—Jessica.

·         It hurts your reputation.

The Bible says: “Look out not only for your own interests, but also for the interests of others.” (Philippians 2:4) What trait would you ascribe to someone who looks out only for himself or herself? How might that affect the person’s reputation?

“A boy who flirts with girls is unattractive to me. And flirting may be a foregleam of disloyalty in marriage. It’s using someone to give you an ego-boost, and that’s selfish.”—Julia.

The bottom line: People who send signals of romantic interest with no intention of pursuing a relationship hurt others and themselves.

 

 WHAT YOU CAN DO

·         The Bible says to treat “younger men as brothers” and “younger women as sisters, with all chasteness.” (1 Timothy 5:1, 2) If you adhere to that standard, you will protect your friendships with those of the opposite sex.

“If I were married, I wouldn’t flirt with someone else’s spouse. It’s good practice for me now, while single, to be balanced when dealing with the opposite sex.”—Leah.

·         The Bible says: “When words are many, transgression cannot be avoided.” (Proverbs 10:19) That principle applies not only to conversations but also to texting—including the frequency and the content of your communication.

“There’s really no need to text a girl on a daily basis unless you plan on dating her.”—Brian.

·         The Bible says: “The wisdom from above is first of all pure.” (James 3:17) A hug can be given in a pure way—or it could be taken as a sign of romantic interest.

“I try to keep my conversations friendly but at arm’s length—literally and figuratively.”—Maria.

The bottom line: Carefully scrutinize your conduct with the opposite sex. “Good friendships are hard to come by,” says a teenager named Jennifer, “and you don’t want to ruin them by sending mixed signals.”

 

TIPS

·         Pay attention to others’ comments. If someone asks, “Are you and so-and-so dating?” it might indicate that you’ve gotten too close.

·         Be consistent with your friends of the opposite sex. Do not single out one person and give him or her more attention than others.

·         Be careful with texting—including the frequency of the texts, their content, and the time of day that you send them. “You don’t need to be texting someone of the opposite sex at midnight,” says a girl named Alyssa.

FRIENDSHIP OR ROMANCE?—What Signals Am I Receiving? Part 1

You really like this person of the opposite sex, and you’re sure that the feeling is mutual. After all, you text each other all the time, you pair off at gatherings, and some of the messages you’ve received from this person are downright flirtatious.

So you decide to ask where the relationship is going, just to be sure you’re both on the same page. The reply? “I view you as just a friend—nothing more.”

HOW IT FEELS

“I was so angry—angry at him and at myself! We had been texting each other every day, and he showed a real interest in me. Naturally, I developed feelings for him.”—Jasmine.

“This girl and I were chaperones for another couple. At times, it seemed as if we were double-dating. The two of us talked a lot, and then we started texting a lot. It was hard to take when she told me that she viewed me as just a friend and when I found out that she was seeing someone else all along.”—Richard.

“A boy was texting me every day, and at times we were both ‘flirty.’ But when I told him about my feelings for him, he laughed and said, ‘I don’t want to date anyone right now!’ I cried for a long time.”—Tamara.

The bottom line: When you think you have a special bond with someone and then find out that the romance is one-sided, it’s only natural for you to feel angry, embarrassed, and even betrayed. “I was devastated when it happened to me, and it really hurt my feelings,” says a young man named Steven. “It was a while before I could trust anyone else.”

WHY IT HAPPENS

Texting and social media make it easy for you to develop an emotional attachment to someone who in reality has no romantic interest in you. Consider what some young people say.

“Someone could text you just to kill time, but you might take it as a sign of interest. And if he texts you every day, then you mistakenly feel that you’re really special to him.”—Jennifer.

“One person might be genuinely interested in romance, while the other person just wants someone to talk to, someone to give him or her a confidence boost.”—James.

“A simple ‘good night’ text message can be read as romantic, but it could have been sent with all the ‘tender’ feelings of a telemarketer.”—Hailey.

“A smiley face can mean either ‘I’m being nice’ or ‘I’m flirting.’ Sometimes the person receiving the message assumes that it’s flirting.”—Alicia.

The bottom line: Don’t mistake attention for affection.

Easier said than done? Yes! The Bible says: “The heart is more treacherous than anything else and is desperate.” (Jeremiah 17:9) It can cause you to build a ‘sand-castle romance’ that washes away the moment you realize that it existed only in your imagination.

WHAT YOU CAN DO

·         Be objective. Take a step back and analyze the relationship. Ask yourself, ‘Do I have solid reasons for thinking that this person is treating me differently from others?’ Don’t let your emotions hijack your “power of reason.”—Romans 12:1.

·         Be discerning. Out of all those signs that make you think you might be more than friends, pay special attention to the signs that make you second-guess yourself. Don’t assume that just because you feel a certain way about someone, the feeling is mutual.

·         Be patient. Until the person says explicitly that he or she wants to get to know you in a romantic way, don’t invest more in the relationship than you can afford to lose.

·         Be honest. The Bible says that there is “a time to speak.” (Ecclesiastes 3:7) If you want to find out whether someone views you as more than just a friend, talk it out with the person. “If the feelings aren’t mutual,” says a young woman named Valerie, “it’s better to be a little hurt now than to go on for months before realizing that this person wasn’t interested in the first place.”

The bottom line: “Safeguard your heart,” says Proverbs 4:23. If you feel drawn to someone, find out if that person is drawn to you. Allowing romantic feelings to take root before then is like trying to grow a plant on a solid stone.

If you discover that the person does have feelings for you—and if you’re old enough and ready to date—then it’s up to you to decide if you want to pursue the relationship. Remember, a strong marriage is made up of a husband and wife who share the same spiritual goals and who are also up-front and honest with each other. (1 Corinthians 7:39) In fact, they no doubt started out as—and continue to be—good friends.—Proverbs 5:18.

WATCH OUT FOR PART 2