ENGAGEMENT!!! WEDDING PREP OR MARRIAGE PREP.

Q: Should sexual expectations for marriage be discussed in a dating relationship?

A: You guys know how often I talk about the importance of reserving sex for the context of a committed marriage. But that’s not the question at hand, so I’m going to save that rant for another day. This question is about the important discussions that need to happen before a wedding day. And I’m GLAD someone is thinking about this stuff!!!

We know that sex and sexual expectations are important ingredients to a healthy marriage..so when do these conversations need to happen?

Here’s the thing: there are no patterns or formulas that can apply to every person in every relationship, for the sake of simplicity, I like to conceptualize the first year of dating as the “get to know you” stage in the seasons of a dating relationship.

After you’ve moved through the four seasons of dating, and you’re ready to pursue engagement and start the conversation about marriage, then it’s time for the next level of conversations: the pre-marriage stuff. Welcome to Marriage-Prep 101. 

In my mind as a therapist, I don’t walk couples through the “harder topics” (such as sexual expectations) until they’ve committed to one another through engagement, because even though there are people out there who think engagement is the “wedding planning” stage -what it really is, is the preparation stage of a dating relationship. 

PREPARING FOR MARRIAGE.

This is a CRUCIAL part of getting ready for marriage, and one that too many couples overlook in the frenzy of planning a wedding. 

I still can’t for the life of me understand how there are some people out there more concerned about choosing the right flavor of wedding cake than they are about learning the right way to communicate in a marriage.

Expectations about things relating to sex, family, finances are some of the biggest struggles in marriage if they aren’t properly addressed. Because let me just say this….according to my survey results, there is a HUGE difference between what single people expect in marriage, and what actually goes down in a marriage relationship. 

There’s SO MUCH WORK TO BE DONE TO PREPARE FOR A LIFELONG COMMITMENT, and getting your expectations right….but if you do it NOW, you can enjoy the process of marriage LATER.  

To sum it up, here’s a brief outline:

Friendship: Getting to know different people of the opposite sex.

Dating: Focusing on ONE person you’d like to get to know exclusively and moving through the four seasons of dating (learning about their personality, communication/conflict, spirituality, family, hobbies, strengths and weaknesses, lifestyle, history, etc).

Engagement: Preparation for marriage and starting to have the next level of hard conversations that need to happen regarding two people becoming one (sexual expectations, finances, gender roles and responsibilities, family planning, etc.). PS. Counseling is a huge part of pre-marriage prep. 

Marriage: You’ve now got a really good idea of who this person is and what they believe, see that they’re a good match for your life, and decide to commit for life.

Healthy relationships unfold one stage at a time, but each stage is significant, meaningful, and purposeful. So don’t rush it, and then, enjoy the ride.

by Debra Fileta

9 Questions to Ask Yourself About The Guy You’re Dating

When considering a relationship with someone it is important to consider that person’s spiritual beliefs as well as the way they view life and how they treat others. The following questions are important to consider before you begin a dating relationship.

1. Does he talk about seeking God’s direction for his life?

Or does he envision a future of his own making? When he talks about the future, is there room for God?Does he have plans to serve God and the church in some way? Is he focused on the achievement of temporal success or eternal significance? Does he want to make a difference in the world for Christ?

“But one thing I do,” said the apostle Paul. Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.”

2. Is he living a Godly life or a Worldly life?

Does he live out the biblical teaching that sacrifice and struggle often are necessary to achieve greater long-term goals? Or does he relentlessly pursue short-term pleasure at the expense of long-term consequences?

Healthy religion calls for us to forsake self-indulgent, self-centered living and to commit instead to purity, love, giving, unselfishness, discipline, and sometimes uncomfortable lifestyles. This is not intended to steal away our joy and make life miserable. In contrast, a life of devotion brings inner peace, fulfillment, and the promise of better things to come in the future.

3. What is his attitude toward other people?

Does he use others merely as tools to get what he wants, or does he genuinely care about other people? How does he treat the less fortunate in our society? Does he care about the needy? Does he have a sense of social justice that makes him want to see conditions for the poor improved, or is he uncaring or even cynical about those who have less than he does?

He who mocks the poor, says Proverbs 17:5, shows contempt for their Maker.

4. Who does he spend his time with?

Birds of a feather do tend to flock together. You can learn a lot about his discernment and what he values by looking at who he shares his time with. Is he constantly pulled toward the “in-crowd” whose main activities would be anything but pleasing to God, or does he seek relationships with Christians who can encourage him to grow in his faith and lovingly hold him accountable?

Do not be misled, says 1 Corinthians 15:33, Bad company corrupts good character.

5. Does he care about bringing the Gospel to those who haven’t heard it?

People whose hearts have been transformed by Christ feel motivated to share their faith with others. But someone who’s a Christian in name only sees no reason to bring the message of Jesus to those who haven’t heard it.

As one ancient saint said: “I doubt the salvation of anyone who doesn’t care about the salvation of his neighbor.”

Does he pray for lost friends and takes advantage of opportunities to engage them in spiritual conversations so he might be able to tell them about Christ?

6. Is he honest about the little things in life?

Integrity means there’s a consistency between a person’s beliefs and behavior or between his character and creed. Does he have a reputation for being trustworthy, or is he known for trying to cleverly cut ethical corners?

A close friend of mine said her boyfriend’s character was revealed when a waiter accidentally gave them the bill for another table. Instead of pointing out the error, he tried to quickly pay the lesser amount and leave – until she stopped him.

There is no such thing as a minor lapse of integrity. Seemingly small acts of dishonesty often reveal the true state of a person’s heart. The Godly walk with integrity, says Proverbs 20:7.

7. Does he take responsibility for his actions?

Is he quick to candidly admit when he has made a mistake or does he try to justify his actions even when they were clearly wrong? Does he gloss over his own sinfulness or blame others for things he did?

Healthy believers don’t try to pass the buck, pin the blame on somebody else, or refuse to acknowledge our actions. Instead, they admit errors and sinfulness, seek forgiveness from God and from others who might have been harmed, make restitution when possible, and go on. They are also determined not to let a similar situation happen again.

8. Does he possess humility?

Jesus spoke out forcefully against pride, and Micah 6:8 says that true spirituality involves walking humbly with God. Does this individual always have to be right all the time? Does he hog credit or generously praise the contributions of others? Does he constantly put himself first and think he knows better than everyone else?

Humility is not a false piety that denies the strengths God has given. It does not involve putting ourselves down and wallowing in insecurity or self-pity. Humility is a quiet recognition that all we have and are comes from God. It is an attitude that is open to new insights and has little concern about inflating our ego or enhancing our image.

9. What does he choose to feed his mind?

What kind of books does he read, music does he listen to, video games does he play, internet sites does he visit, and movies does he watch?

Philippians 4:8 says, Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.

As Paul urged: Be transformed by the renewing of your mind.

Conclusion:

This checklist isn’t intended to be rigidly applied. While all Christians are continually growing to become more like Jesus, this is a process that varies in pace from individual to individual

Perhaps these questions have even raised concerns about some areas of your own life that you need to address before God.

In any event, raising these issues can help us diagnose the general condition of the other person’s Christian life. Don’t flinch from being honest as you seek answers. Keep in mind that self-interest — such as romantic feelings toward the other person — can fog otherwise clear thinking.

10 Ways Singles Need to Take Care of THEMSELVES

Human beings are magnetic. We’re drawn to people who are on similar levels of emotional, spiritual, and psychological health as we are.

This is why self-care and health are such a crucial part of life no matter what your relationship status. The more you take care of yourself, the more you propel yourself to a better place, where you’ll naturally attract (and be attracted to) people who are also at a “better place”.

So, I asked singles to tell me: What are the BEST things you do to take care of yourself? I loved the answers so much, I decided to share them with you. Here are some of my favourites, summarized into 10 categories. I hope they inspire you, encourage you, and challenge you to see the incredible importance of taking care of YOURSELF. 

1.      GET CONNECTED WITH GOOD PEOPLE: “Surround yourself with good, encouraging, and godly people who will build you up and not tear you down.” “I get together with a mixed group of singles and marrieds once a week for bible study/social hangout which is great for variety.” “Spending time with my family while I have the chance!” “Having a community is THE BEST thing you can do for yourself when you are single.”

2.      TAKE SOME TIME TO SEE THE WORLD: “Travel. I make sure to take at least 2 trips a year, domestic or international. I always feel better after getting out of town for a bit.”

3.      DEEPEN YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH JESUS: “Time-outs spent with God by myself are the best things.” “I turn to God’s Word” “Write to God in my journal”.

4.      READ A LOT OF GOOD BOOKS: “Read books that promote emotional & spiritual health.

5.      FIND AN ACCOUNTABILITY PARTNER TO KEEP YOU ON TRACK: “I spend time in meaningful conversations with other single female friends and keep accountable with them.”

6.      GET COUNSELLING: “See a therapist!” “There’s no better investment than getting yourself emotionally and mentally healthy”

7.      TAKE CARE OF YOUR BODY: “Setting a goals, exercise, prayer, reading, eating the right food and stay optimistic.” “Try regular massages, manicures and pedicures!”

8.      LIVE IN THE MOMENT: “Star-gazing, being outside walking in the rain, sunrises & sunsets, and going for long drives.” “Go for long walks.”

9.      SET GOALS FOR YOURSELF: “Try a vision board collage.” “Write down your goals.”

10.  GET PLUGGED INTO CHURCH: “I like to keep busy with going to church, ladies conferences, bible studies anything to feed my spirit.” “Go to church/community groups!”

By Debra Fileta

What Makes a Woman Marriage Material

Have you ever wondered what guys are looking for in a wife?

Or maybe you’re a man, and you’ve dated a few women, but never felt like someone was “marriage material”.

In looking at my own relationship with my wife, and the relationships of those around me that have been successful, I’ve noticed that here are a few traits that make a woman “marriage material”. Of course this list is not the end-all-be-all, but for me, these were important factors in choosing the woman I wanted to get to know, and ultimately marry. 

COMPASSION: Nothing melts a man’s heart more than a woman who exudes love and compassion for others. The first weekend I met my wife Deb, the one thing that stuck out to me was how big her heart was. (I also thought she was unbelievably gorgeous, which is always a plus…). But what truly meant the most to me was hearing about her mission work to orphanages in the Middle East, and her ongoing work in the States with at-risk inner city youth. She wasn’t just talking the talk, she was living it out. 

The reason compassion is so attractive to a man, is because true compassion stems directly from the heart of Christ. When God’s love fills a person, that love begins to overflow into all areas of their life and impact those around them. That’s something that stood out to me in my wife-to-be, because it wasn’t a love that was being given in order to receive, it was a supernatural love that was being given freely because of what Jesus had done in her life. That, in and of itself, spoke volumes to the kind of wife she would one day be.

DIRECTION: We’re all traveling through the journey of life, and it’s our hope that one day someone will be journeying by our side. But the thing is, the person who ends up next to you has a huge impact on the direction your life will take. A key quality to being marriage material is a woman who has direction. 

Direction doesn’t necessarily mean that she is going to be a neurosurgeon or big-shot attorney, and isn’t synonymous with how much money she is going to make or how successful she will be. Direction is when a person realizes their God-given talent and purpose in life and begins to run in that direction with all their heart. When I met Deb, she was in graduate school for counselling. To be honest, I knew almost nothing about the field. But as she talked about it, I could see the excitement and passion in her eyes. Now, 10 years later, I have so much respect and appreciation for what she does because I see the huge impact she makes one life at a time.

The important thing to note about direction is that it goes above and beyond your career. It’s about understanding what God has gifted you to do, and then doing it well: whether that be your career, your ministry, or your relationships.

Find someone who is consistently following God, and you can be sure that your marriage will always be moving in the right direction.

CONFIDENCE: There is nothing more attractive than a woman who is secure in who she is and knows her value. I think one of the biggest problems today facing women is an identity crisis perpetuated by our media, our movies, and the entire entertainment industry. But the most beautiful thing a woman can be is wrapped up in the understanding of her intrinsic value, a God-given value that can’t be taken away. There is something undeniably attractive about that, because let’s be honest, it’s rare. All these photo-shopped images of women that we see all around us are actually so far removed from the very things that a godly man finds attractive. It’s my hope that more and more women would realize that they are beautiful simply because they are made in God’s image: mind, body, and spirit- and then begin to live out that beauty. 

Side note to the men: Don’t fall into the lies of pornography, or thinking that a woman is beautiful simply because she falls under the standards of society. That beauty is truly only skin deep, and won’t survive a life-time of ups and downs in marriage and raising children.

The first time I actually met Deb, I thought she was one of the most beautiful women I had ever met and was undeniably attracted to her. But though her external beauty caught my eye, it’s not what kept me. What kept me was her internal beauty and identity in Christ – that’s what won my heart. “Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord shall be praised….”

To all of you men looking for a woman who is marriage material, or for the women who are trying to become it – remember this: becoming marriage material is so much more than simply trying to get married. Ultimately, it’s about becoming all that God has called you to be. Achieving these traits don’t guarantee you a spouse, but they do guarantee that you’re becoming mature, healthy, and more like Christ along the way. And that, my friends, is an incredible place to be. 

 by Debra Fileta

10 THINGS NO ONE TALKS ABOUT BEFORE MARRIAGE

Let’s just put it out there- there are a lot of really important things to consider before you get married. I mean, a LOT.

From a person’s faith, to their past, to their sexual expectations, to their conflict and communication, to their family of origin- and so many things in between.

There is an array of things you need to get to know about a person, making sure they fit into your life before you invite them in to be a permanent fixture. As a Professional Counselor, I help couples tread a lot of really important ground before they say “I do” through things like my book as well as pre-marriage sessions. 

But let’s be honest- there are just some “minor” topics that aren’t really discussed before marriage. If you’re anything like John and I, you tackle all the majors before marriage, and then get to the other side and realize there’s a whole new list to work through!

I put this topic on Social Media, to ask other married couples what their experiences have been, and out churned this list. So here are some things you should probably talk about at some point in your marriage!

#1 SLEEP HABITS:

Let’s just start with this seemingly minor issue that no one ever talks about: Sleep. Who is going to sleep on which side of the bed? What time is bed-time going to be? Will we always go to sleep together, or fall asleep at different times? And what should the temperature be? On the cooler side or warmer side? I can’t say these are things we covered in pre-marital counseling! But I’ve heard from a lot of couples who’ve had to work through these kind of lifestyle issues post-marriage. Because as we all know: Sleep is a really big deal, people!

#2 MONEY STUFF:

Spending habits, credit history, bills, etc. This isn’t a minor issue at all, but yet, one that often gets overlooked before marriage: What’s our budget going to look like? How much fun money do we get? Should we save or invest? How often can we afford to eat out? I think we all get that money issues are going to be a part of our relationship, but I don’t think we really understand how important this ongoing conversation will actually be.

#3 HOUSEHOLD DUTIES:

So….who does what? What if we both hate cleaning bathrooms? What if his mom always did his laundry? What if neither of us can cook? What if one of us is a neat freak? Who’s job is it to clean that gross clump of hair out of the shower (Or…maybe I’m the only one who sheds like a dog…?)What if he thinks that the majority of household chores are the “woman’s” job? What if my family split all the chores evenly but her family didn’t? What now? If you find yourself disagreeing about simple household duties, it’s time to sit down and make time for these “dirty” conversations.

#4 SPIRITUAL TEMPERAMENT:

This one totally caught me off guard when we got married. You see, I’m an external processor. I have to say things out loud in order to work through them. I like to share what I’m feeling, thinking, and experiencing- especially when it comes to my life with Jesus. My husband, on the other hand, is wired more internally. His spiritual life and experiences with God are reflected through his actions, rather than his words: his patience, his gentleness, his kindness, his self-control….etc.

For the first two years of marriage, we had to figure this one out. How would we balance his internal wiring with my external wiring? How would we experience God together, but how much would we need to experience Him alone? I think we’ve finally figured out what that looks like in our marriage, but it’s something that has been crucial to the health of our relationship!

#5 SOCIAL PREFERENCES:

A friend of mine told a funny story about how she was on her way home with a crew of friends, when her husband called to let her know: no thanks, not in the mood for people today; which made for an awkward post-phone call conversation with her friends. Where you fall on the introversion to extroversion scale is a really important thing to know and discuss in a marriage. When you become “one”- how will you handle your need for socialization or alone time?

#6 DIFFERENT TASTES:

Taste in food, taste in movies and entertainment, taste in clothing, taste in style, taste in fashion…all of these little things are joined together in the wonderful world of marriage. Thankfully, in so many ways you end up “rubbing off on each other” in marriage (I’m officially a sushi-addict now, thanks to John!). But until then, do you know your unique differences in tastes, and how will you work through these differences when they come up in day to day life?

#7 EMOTIONAL TEMPERAMENT:

My husband says one of the things that surprised him most when we got married, is how emotional I am (gee….thanks….)! But seriously, I have to laugh, because it’s true. I don’t think I let the floodgates fully open on that one until we got married.  I am an emotional person in every sense of the word. It even comes out in my writing, as I’ve been known to use WAY to many exclamation marks!!!!! My ups and downs are completely opposite to my husband’s almost constant mood. It’s something we’ve had to figure out and discuss, so that we can learn how to appreciate, understand, respect, and respond to each other’s differences.

#8 LIFESTYLE DIFFERENCES:

How much TV do you watch in a day? Or for that matter- how much football? Do you sit at the dinner table to eat, or on the couch? What’s your parenting style and how does that play out with your spouse’s parenting style? How much time do you invest in career, ministry, or family? Is vacation time for resting, or living it up? There are so many simple lifestyle decisions that come into play when you connect your life with another person. What are some topics that you might need to work through with your spouse?

#9 HOLIDAYS:

Oooooooh the holidays can be so joyful, and nostalgic, and…STRESSFUL!!! It’s sad that that’s actually a true statement. But for many couples, it is! Where do you spend the holidays, and with who’s family? Do you go all out, or keep it simple? What family traditions do you pass down to your children (mine, or yours!), and when do you decide to make new traditions? How much time do you spend with extended family? How should you handle each other’s extended family? These are all important factors that you need to be deliberate about figuring out in the making of a healthy family.

#10 FREE TIME:

She: “So what should we do this weekend?” – He: “Uh…I already made plans to hang out with the guys on Saturday” (Cue horror film music in the background…..). But the thing is, these are real life scenarios that come up in marriage. In fact, did you know that a majority of the 1,000 married people I surveyed reported spending most of their free time APART?

What you do with your free time becomes a huge issue, because your time is no longer your own- it’s YOURS, together. How much time do you spend together? Do you prioritize date night? And when can you spend time with your friends? On your hobbies? For yourself? I know many couples who say that free time turned into an opportunity for major strife because these conversations don’t happen and the expectations aren’t discussed. Do your marriage a favor and “free some time” for this one.

As you look through this list remember that these are all a normal and healthy part of becoming one- whether you’ve been married for a week, or 70 years. And the truth is, it’s not the absence of these issues that makes a healthy marriage, it’s how you navigate these issues. A healthy marriage is an ON GOING conversation through life. The moment you stop talking, is the moment that you’ve started shifting backwards.  So keep talking, keep listening, keep loving.

By Debra

10 Girls You Should NEVER Date

Healthy relationships are a two-way street. Two people, each becoming the best they can be for themselves, and for one another. From my perspective as a relationship therapist, you are the only one responsible for the kind of person you date.

So for all the men out there, here are 10 girls you should NEVER date (unless you’re looking for a relational train-wreck):

Ms. Barbie Girl

You know exactly who I’m talking about, don’t you? This is the girl that’s “too-perfect-to-be-real”, and that’s because she probably isn’t. If you don’t recognize her by her “augmentations” you might recognize her by the fact it takes her 3 hours to get ready, the ridiculous amount of time she spends looking in the mirror, the 5 inches of make-up on her face (and maybe even body…), or the way that she has to look “just perfect” in order to go anywhere or do anything, including a trip to the gym, or a run to the grocery store. I’m all for a woman looking presentable, and I am a fan of my makeup, but let’s remember that true beauty never starts on the outside, it always runs so much deeper. Be on the lookout for THAT kind of unfading beauty.

Ms. Flirtatious

This one right here will win you over with her seductive glances and her flattering words. But the problem you’ll start noticing is that her flirting isn’t contained to just you. The glances she gives your waiter, the way talks to your roommate, or the way she giggles flirtatiously at your best friends jokes. It’s one thing to be flirtatious as an avenue of affection within a relationship, it’s a whole other thing when you’re marked by your flirtatious way. Recognize this one quickly, because what you see here is what you’ll get.

Ms. I’m Sexy and I Know It

It’s great to have self-confidence as a woman, but that’s not what I’m talking about here. In fact, this woman often feels so insecure about herself, that she uses her body to gain affirmation from men. In other words, she flaunts her stuff to anyone who’s willing to look. While her seduction might draw you like a magnet, you’ll quickly realize that it’s also drawing everyone else, too. And one thing I’ve learned from my husband about men, is that one of the most attractive things about a relationship with a woman is the exclusivity of that woman being “only his”. So find a woman that shows she’s “all yours” by respecting her body and reserving it for the proper time.

Ms. Nothin’ In There But Air

One of the most beautiful things about the early stages of relationship is the mystery involved. Little by little you get to know one layer at a time, revealing heart, mind, soul and spirit. But as you peel back the layers of this particular woman, you’ll realize that…there isn’t too much there! This is the kind of woman who hasn’t really taken the time to know herself, know her beliefs, or know what she feels or thinks. She’ll likely default to your preferences, your beliefs, your relationship with God, and even your interests. While this may seem to make life easy at first, the lack of mystery and depth will wear you down, because a healthy relationship involves two unique identities- not just one trying to mimic the other.

Ms. Gold-Digger

She loves your car, she loves your career, and she loves your cash. But does she really like you? You’ll recognize this one quickly, because she’ll take all she can get from you, and give very little back in return. She’s looking for security more than she’s looking for a significant relationship. Say bye-bye before your cash runs out.

Ms. Overly Critical

I think this is the worst of all the women you could date. According to proverbs, a woman like this is like the sound of a leak dripping: constant, annoying, and problematic!! And just like a leak, this woman will DRAIN you, and leave you questioning your value, your significance, and your worth. You’ll never feel appreciated under the constant cloud of criticism. First, see the good in yourself, and then find a woman who can do the same.

Ms. Bossy-Pants

This one will micromanage your entire life. She’ll have an opinion about how you should spend your money, chew your food, iron your clothes, and maybe even how you should change your personality. The thing about this woman is that she’s a control-freak. And one thing I know about control freaks is that deep down, they feel like they have no control in some area of their life, and so they take it out on their relationships. This habit is not one you can “out learn”, in fact, it takes a lot of time, introspection, and work. So step away from this relationship, and give her the time she needs to heal, to learn, and to grow.

Ms. Wishy-Washy

A woman like this will take your heart on quite a ride, because she doesn’t really know what she wants. One moment she’s into you, and the other moment she’s confused and wants to take a step back. This internal struggle is not going to be resolved anytime soon, so do yourself a favor and find someone who’s just as into you as you are into them. Healthy relationships are marked by peace, not by constant doubt and regret.

Ms. One-Way-Street

This princess thinks that somehow, relationships are all-about-her. She may even wrongly believe this is a “biblical” approach to relationships. In other words- she expects you to do all the work, and to put in all the effort while she sits back and reaps the rewards. The sad part is that sometimes this mentality is wrongly perpetuated in some church circles, as the men are expected to be the “leaders” while the women are the “followers”. That might work for some guys, but for others, this lack of reciprocity in a relationship eventually becomes draining. You need a woman who will pour into you, as much as you pour into her.  Who will sharpen you, as you sharpen her. Who will challenge you to become better, while you do the same for her. The best relationships are made of two people- each giving their best to one another.

Ms. Drama-Drama-Drama

Drama with her momma, drama with her best friend, drama with her boss at work. This gal is characterized by drama everywhere she goes, and she tells you all about it. But the drama isn’t necessarily the dangerous part in this kind of woman, it’s the underlying belief that it’s always everyone else’s fault. This woman is to be avoided because she doesn’t understand the meaning of taking ownership and responsibility of her life and relationships. And trust me, that blame-game will quickly become a part of your relationship, too.

With that in mind, let’s all be mindful of the reality that relationships aren’t about finding perfection– we all know that doesn’t exist. But they are about finding imperfect people, who realize their flaws and weaknesses, and are working to become better and better with each and every passing day.

3 Undeniable Laws of Success

It is an unfortunate reality that most schools don’t teach learners how to succeed at life in a realistic and practical manner.

Sure, an elaborate understanding of Mathematics and Science can open many doors but when challenged with real life problems, most of us crumble and fall into stagnancy.

What I care to share with you today are the laws of success that often go overlooked. These are the laws that celebrities and entrepreneurs obsess over on a daily basis which brings about ridiculous success and rewards. If you’re sick and tired of being stuck in a loop of failure and mediocrity, this post is for you!

Without further ado, here are the 3 undeniable laws of success.

1. You Have to Show Up Daily

Part of why some people achieve the impossible whilst others look on in disbelief is because they show up every single day despite every reason not to.

Look, you’ve seen it happen time and time again. Someone who wouldn’t strike you as special comes along and does what everyone didn’t even bother attempting. You brush it off as luck and move on with life. But, guess what? It wasn’t luck! It was deliberate.

Despite all the negative thoughts and opinions surrounding a particular objective, the people who show up in an attempt to succeed are the ones who usually succeed.

You can chalk it down to pure luck or chance but the fact of the matter is that for as long as you show up each and every day, the possibility of success immediately changes from impossible to possible.

For as long as you don’t try, impossibility is a reality. This form of impossibility has nothing to do with circumstances preventing a goal or dream from being realized but from self-imposed limitations.

You can only get better at something or unlock rewards by being present. When the opportunity arises to accomplish the impossible, you’ll be the one reaping the rewards because you showed up when everyone else didn’t.

“Success doesn’t chase you, you chase success.”

2. Hard Work Is Non-Negotiable

Once you show up and an opportunity arises, what do you do? Getting by on the bare minimum will only generate the bare minimum results. The best results in life require the best effort you have to give.

Are you familiar with the notorious fighter Conor McGregor? He’s the first man to hold two championships at the same time in the UFC. Not only has he accomplished something nobody else has but he’s made millions of dollars at the same time.

Many people attribute his success to luck or talent but in reality, it all boils down to hard work. If you don’t believe me, listen to what he had to say in an interview, “If you put in the work to become number 1, you will become number 1. If you put in the work to become the runner up, you will become the runner-up. I put in the work to finish first!”

If a millionaire, record-breaking and double champion attributes his success to being a workhorse, shouldn’t we take that at face value and adopt his attitude to success?

What this means is that despite a lack of natural born gifts and talent, someone who is willing to work harder than anyone and everyone else has a fighting chance at being the best in the world!

Look beyond the bare minimum. When I was in high school, all I wanted to do was have fun. So, when it came time to prepare for examinations, I aimed for a passing grade. Most of my results were a reflection of my intention.

I worked for average results and I attained average results. However, when I entered University and started studying Law, things changed. A desire to achieve great results wrapped itself around me and I attempted to do something I never did before – work hard.

Rather than aim for simply passing, I set my sights on those 80 – 90% grades. I hit those grades in quite a few of my modules! The ones that weren’t in that percentage category were often in the 65 – 79% category.

I went from 50’s during my high school years to 70’s, 80’s and 90’s. This growth can be attributed to the following 4 fundamental changes:

1. An attitude and mindset adjustment.
2. Higher minimum requirements.
3. Maximum effort at studying.
4. Daily sacrifice.

I showed up every day, set ‘my minimum passing grade’ to be much higher than the average passing grade, put in the work and most importantly, I sacrificed time-wasting activities that were once fun for hard work and success.

In the end, it paid off when I was on stage accepting my Bachelor of Laws degree this past April. If there’s one thing I learned, it’s that hard work, even in the face of obstacles, can overcome all adversities in life.

3. Momentum Trumps Motivation

There will come a time in every new venture when motivation depletes and the only thing that keeps you marching forward is momentum.

Unlike fleeting emotions like motivation and inspiration, momentum relies solely on movement and/or progress.

If you’re familiar with the cumulative effect, you would know that by simply taking action over and over again, you accrue small but significant results that add up to create a big reward over time. Similarly, when you take action on a daily basis, the movement or progress you make from previous attempts carries you forward day after day.

After some time, it feels second nature to partake in the activity you’ve been consistent at. Ask anyone who has exercised for longer than 4 weeks, they can attest to the principle of momentum.

The first few days of starting an exercise regimen are physically, emotionally and mentally brutal. If you were to stop after the first day, all the soreness and cramps last for many days, even weeks. However, if you exercise the next day even though you feel sore, mid-way through the workout all of that clears up.

By the next day, you wake up feeling less sore and less exhausted. The more you do it, the stronger you become and the less noticeable is the pain and suffering.

Momentum brings about this wonderful phenomenon. Do something for long enough and the results accumulate. During this accumulation of results, the side effects reduce drastically until it’s mostly invisible.

Rather than relying on erratic emotions, engage in motion and movement to truly accrue results and success. While everyone else is waiting for the perfect moment to get started, you’ll be the one achieving your goals and dreams.

When I was tasked with studying thousand-page-long books on Law, many times I felt overwhelmed and challenged. Time was never on my side and I could never find the perfect moment to get started. I could have waited until it was too late but I quickly realized that hard work will never feel easy.

I couldn’t rely on emotions because their erratic nature left my future up in the air. The only thing that guaranteed progress was sitting down at my desk, opening those textbooks and working through one page at a time.

The more pages I worked through, the less overwhelmed I felt because progress was visible. What seemed impossible no longer did.

If I Can, So Can You

The most pivotal message you can take away from this article is that if someone with autoimmune diseases and a lack of talent can achieve his goals and succeed in his ventures, so can you. There’s no excuse for why you can’t be successful at meaningful objectives in your life.

Everyone has problems and circumstances that make achieving success difficult. You merely have to work around those circumstances and rely on brute force to achieve your greatest desires.

Excuses are for quitters. Ditch them and embrace these 3 undeniable laws of success. If you do, there’s no telling what you’ll be able to accomplish in the near future!