My
advice stands: Don’t settle for less than God’s best. Too many
Christian women today have ended up with an Ishmael because impatience
pushed them into an unhappy marriage. Please take my fatherly advice:
You are much better off single than with the wrong guy!
Speaking of “wrong guys,” here are the top 10 men you should avoid when looking for a husband:
1. The unbeliever. Please write 2 Corinthians 6:14 on a Post-it note
and tack it on your computer at work. It says, “Do not be bound together
with unbelievers; for what partnership have righteousness and
lawlessness, or what fellowship has light with darkness?” (NASB). This
is not an outdated religious rule. It is the Word of God for you today.
Don’t allow a man’s charm, looks or financial success (or his
willingness to go to church with you) push you to compromise what you
know is right. “Missionary dating” is never a wise strategy. If the guy
is not a born-again Christian, scratch him off your list. He’s not right
for you. I’ve yet to meet a Christian woman who didn’t regret marrying
an unbeliever.
2. The liar. If you discover that the man you are dating has lied to
you about his past or that he’s always covering his tracks to hide his
secrets from you, run for the nearest exit. Marriage must be built on a
foundation of trust. If he can’t be truthful, break up now before he
bamboozles you with an even bigger deception.
3. The playboy. I wish I could say that if you meet a nice guy at
church, you can assume he’s living in s*xual purity. But that’s not the
case today. I’ve heard horror stories about single guys who serve on the
worship team on Sunday but act like Casanovas during the week. If you
marry a guy who was sleeping around before your wedding, you can be sure
he will be sleeping around after your wedding.
4. The deadbeat. There are many solid Christian men who experienced
marital failure years ago. Since their divorce, they have experienced
the Holy Spirit’s restoration, and now they want to remarry. Second
marriages can be very happy. But if you find out that the man you are
dating hasn’t been caring for his children from a previous marriage, you
have just exposed a fatal flaw. Any man who will not pay for his past
mistakes or support children from a previous marriage is not going to
treat you responsibly.
5. The addict. Churchgoing men who have addictions to alcohol or
drugs have learned to hide their problems—but you don’t want to wait
until your honeymoon to find out that he’s a boozer. Never marry a man
who refuses to get help for his addiction. Insist that he get
professional help and walk away. And don’t get into a codependent
relationship in which he claims he needs you to stay sober. You can’t
fix him.
6. The bum. I have a female friend who realized after she married her
boyfriend that he had no plans to find steady work. He had devised a
great strategy: He stayed home all day and played video games while his
professional wife worked and paid all the bills. The apostle Paul told
the Thessalonians, “If anyone is not willing to work, then he is not to
eat, either” (2 Thess. 3:10). The same rule applies here: If a man is
not willing to work, he doesn’t deserve to marry you.
7. The narcissist. I sincerely hope you can find a guy who is
handsome. But be careful: If your boyfriend spends six hours a day at
the gym and regularly posts closeups of his biceps on Facebook, you have
a problem. Do not fall for a self-absorbed guy. He might be cute, but a
man who is infatuated with his appearance and his own needs will never
be able to love you sacrificially, like Christ loves the church (Eph.
5:25). The man who is always looking at himself in the mirror will never
notice you.
8. The abuser. Men with abusive tendencies can’t control their anger
when it boils over. If the guy you are dating has a tendency to fly off
the handle, either at you or others, don’t be tempted to rationalize his
behavior. He has a problem, and if you marry him you will have to
navigate his minefield every day to avoid triggering another outburst.
Angry men hurt women—verbally and sometimes physically. Find a man who
is gentle.
9. The man-child. Call me old-fashioned, but I’m suspicious of a guy
who still lives with his parents at age 35. If his mother is still doing
his cooking, cleaning and ironing at that age, you can be sure he’s
stuck in an emotional time warp. You are asking for trouble if you think
you can be a wife to a guy who hasn’t grown up. Back away and, as a
friend, encourage him to find a mentor who can help him mature.
10. The control freak. Some Christian guys today believe marriage is
about male superiority. They may quote Scripture and sound
super-spiritual, but behind the façade of husbandly authority is deep
insecurity and pride that can morph into spiritual abuse. First Peter
3:7 commands husbands to treat their wives as equals. If the man you are
dating talks down to you, makes demeaning comments about women or seems
to squelch your spiritual gifts, back away now. He is on a power trip.
Women who marry religious control freaks often end up in a nightmare of
depression.
If you are a woman of God, don’t sell your spiritual birthright by
marrying a guy who doesn’t deserve you. Your smartest decision in life
is to wait for a man who is sold out to Jesus.
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