7. What Is My Most Important Relationship?
We're currently in the third section of
Maxwell's "Relationships 101", which covers the growth and
development of relationships.
"Succeed at home, and all other relationships become easier".
Maxwell opens with some depressing statistics about the failure rates for families in the USA. A related
statistic in
the UK when I lived there in
1994/1995 was that the divorce rate was decreasing - apparently good news, until further investigation showed that in
fact the reason was that with increasing numbers of
people living together rather than getting married, the dissolution of their relationships were not being
reported as "divorce statistics"! I suspect the SA statistics are not a lot better.
A postgraduate student of ours told me that at her boarding school, she was the only student in the hostel whose parents were still living together.
Maxwell argues for a holistic view of success that doesn't focus purely on work or career as the yardstick. Furthermore, he argues, success in one's home life can be an aid to success in
other areas of one's life: "Building and maintaining strong families benefit us in every way, including in
helping us become successful".
He quotes Nick Stinnet (a "family-life expert"):
"When you have a strong family life, you
receive the message that you are loved, cared for and important. The positive intake of love, affection, and respect... gives you inner resources to
deal with life more successfully".
Maxwell tells how, early in their marriage, he and his wife Margaret dealt with the fact that he would be travelling a
lot by making a
commitment that Margaret (and their children) would join him whenever
possible, even if it was difficult to afford to
do so.
The result is that they have a wonderful collection of
family memories of time spent in
wide range of exotic locations (even "on safari in
South Africa"!). He
makes the point that he doesn't want his family to
think of him as a
great leader, author or speaker, but as a great father/husband. (This reminds me of Stephen Covey's perspective-gaining exercise of visualising one's
own
funeral and what people would say in their eulogies).
STEPS TO BUILDING A
STRONG FAMILY
Maxwell makes the point that building a strong family requires a lot of hard work, and offers the following six guidelines.
1) Express Appreciation for Each Other
The home is often seen as a
place to "blow off steam" after a
day of having to be polite and friendly to clients, colleagues, students, etc. Rather, "[t]o build a
strong family, you have to
make your home a
supportive environment".
2) Structure Your Lives to
Spend Time Together
With today's busy lifestyles, the home is often the place where paths amy occasionally cross (Maxwell
describes it as being like a
major highway intersection where family members shoot in and out in various different directions).
Making time to
spend with family members may require some creative thinking.
Maxwell gives the example of how he used to
drive his children to
school in the morning so that he could
spend some time with them. When scheduling his activities for the month ahead (as part of his regular
organisational routine), the first entries in his diary are for family events: birthdays, his children's sporting events, joint outings and dinners.
Once these are in
place, he fits his work schedule around them. "I've
found that if
I don't strategically structure my life to
spend time with my family, it won't happen".
3) Deal with Crisis in a Positive Way
All families will have difficulties and differences. What makes the difference between a success and a
failure is how the problems are handled. Maxwell quotes M. Scott Peck, who points out that dealing with such problems make us better people: "Problems call forth our courage and wisdom... we grow mentally and spiritually... It is through the pain of confronting and resolving problems that we learn".
Maxwell offers a number of practical strategies for dealing with family problems:
a) Attack the problem, never the person.
b) Get all the facts.
c) List all the options (this may seem very business-like, but why should one's family problems be tackled with less rigour than professional ones?).
d) Choose the best solution (and make people the priority in
deciding on what is "best").
e) Look for the positives in the problem.
As the quote from Peck above points out, at the least we should be able to
grow
through facing problems.
f) Never withhold love.
While one may be upset, frustrated, even angry, one should strive to love unconditionally.
4) Communicate Continually
Maxwell quotes an American study that showed that the average married couple spends about 37
minutes a
week in "meaningful communication".
He contrasts this with the daily television-viewing time, and draws
the conclusion that it is no
surprise that families are failing at unprecedented rates. Again, good communication requires effort.
Maxwell offers the following practical ideas:
a) Develop platforms for communication. This is related to
point 2
above: be creative in setting aside time for communication. For example, make a lunch appointment with your spouse, drive your children to school or sports, take family walks together.
b) Control communication killers. Beware of the television, the internet and the telephone
- all of these can become major distractions.
One family I know doesn't own a
television, and spending time with them is a real pleasure.
c) Encourage honesty and transparency in conversation.
Encourage family members to
share their thoughts and feelings, but be careful not to be critical.
d) Adopt a positive communication style.
Analyse the way in which you communicate with your family (is it dictatorial, detached, judgmental?).
Aim for a cooperative approach.
5) Share the Same Values
This applies particularly to
one's interaction with one's children (hopefully you didn't marry someone with very different values!). Maxwell quotes an academic who points out that popular entertainment, advertising media and educational systems are in the business of pushing their values onto children, but that some modern parenting theories believe that parents shouldn't do so!
Maxwell quotes a study of single-parent families that showed that children in those that enforced standards (even if
the standards were not "positive")
did better than those from homes where standards and values were not transmitted strongly.
Stephen Covey has written an entire book on this subject (The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families). One
of the suggested exercises is for the family to develop a "mission statement", which clearly sets out the
things that the family considers important. Some friends of mine have done this, involving their young
daughter in
the process, and have it to be a
very beneficial exercise. Maxwell makes the point that one must be prepared to
model and demonstrate the values for the rest of the family (particularly the children) if
necessary.
Inconsistencies between "talk" and "walk" are probably most easily spotted by family members!
6) Build Your Marriage
Many authors and teachers dealing with strengthening families have made the point that children get enormous security from a strong, loving relationship between their parents. Josh McDowell: "The greatest thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother".
Again, this requires effort and determination.
"A common missing ingredient in
many marriages is dedication to
make things work. marriages may start because of
love, but they finish because of
commitment".
Maxwell closes the chapter by bring us back to the point that success in marriage is a good foundation for success in
life.
He quotes Pat Riley (a successful American basketball coach): "Sustain a family life for a long period of time and you can sustain success for a long period of time. First things first.
If your life is in
order you can do whatever you want".
"For most people, a good family helps you know your purpose and develop your potential, and it helps you enjoy the journey along the way with an intensity that isn't possible otherwise".
Some things to
think about:
Do you agree that success in the family can help build success in
other areas of your life?
Can you think of
examples, or counter-examples?
What creative ways can you come up with to make time for your family, and for good communication with
them?
8. How Can I Serve and Lead People at the Same Time?
This is the eighth and final chapter of
John Maxwell's "Relationships 101". "You've got to love your people more than your position".
Maxwell opens this chapter with an anecdote about Norman Schwarzkopf, when he
was leading a battalion
in the Vietnam war. He had been assigned to the First Battalion of
the
Sixth Infantry, who had such a bad reputation that they were known as the "worst of the sixth"!
He turned the battalion around to
the point
where they were entrusted with a tough assignment to the Batangan Peninsula (Schwarzkopf described it as “a horrible, malignant place"). It had been the site of many battles and was riddled with minefields and
booby traps.
Schwarzkopf instituted all possible measures to minimise casualties and made a
point of flying in
his
personal helicopter to pick up any soldier who was wounded.
On one of these trips, while rescuing the injured soldier another man stepped on a landmine, and everyone suddenly realised that they were in
the middle of a
minefield. The second soldier was rolling around on the ground and Schwarzkopf realised that someone had to get to him to
prevent him from detonating another mine.
Schwarzkopf wrote, "I
started through the minefield, one slow step at a
time, staring at the ground,
looking for telltale bumps or little prongs sticking up from the dirt.
My knees were shaking so hard that
each time I
took a step, I
had to grab my leg and steady it with both hands before I
could take another... It
seemed like a thousand years before I reached the kid."
Schwarzkopf managed to
calm the soldier and his life was saved. Maxwell comments that his actions
could be described as "heroism, courage or
even foolhardiness", but that ultimately it was an attitude of
servanthood: Schwarzkopf's leadership was demonstrated through his willingness to
serve the soldier in
need.
This story underlines the fact that servanthood is not something that is demonstrated in or called for from only those "at the bottom of the hierarchy", but is an
attitude that is needed at all levels in
an organisation.
In fact, the converse is often true - we've all met people in
relatively menial positions, who have appalling attitudes towards the people that they deal with: government/municipal workers who could not care less about the people in the queues in front of them, rude waiters in restaurants or shop assistants, etc.
It is
almost as easy to detect someone with a
true servant's heart as it is to detect the lack of it. "The best leaders desire to serve others, not themselves".
Maxwell lists five qualities of servant leadership:
1) Putting Others Ahead of One's Own Agenda
A servant leader will put others first, ahead of their own desires.
2) Possessing the Confidence to
Serve
Insecurity in
a leader often leads to a positional view of
leadership ("I'm the boss, so you'll do
what I say"), which is opposed to the principle of servant leadership.
3) Initiating Service to
Others
People are sometimes forced to
serve others, or will leap in in
an emergency, but a mark of
a servant's heart is when someone initiates an act of service for someone else.
"Great leaders see the need, seize the
opportunity, and serve without expecting anything in return".
4) Lack of Position-Consciousness
"Servant leaders don't focus on
rank or
position". Schwarzkopf's stepping out into the minefield is a good
illustration of this: many other military leaders would have ordered someone else to rescue the wounded
soldier.
5) Motivation by Love
Concern for others, rather than a manipulative spirit or desire for self-promotion should be the motivation of
any leader.
HOW TO BECOME A SERVANT
Maxwell then lists some practical steps that one can take in
order to
develop as a servant leader.
1) Perform small acts
Don't expect to
start by jumping into a minefield! Start small by looking for opportunities to help others in small ways.
Start close to home before trying to
save the world.
2) Learn to walk slowly through the crowd
This is a skill that Maxwell learned from his father.
When at a large function or in
a crowd, take time to
interact with people and really connect with them.
Find out what concerns them. If necessary, make notes
After the function, and follow up on the issues that you have uncovered.
3) Move into action
"Begin serving with your body, and your heart will eventually catch up"! Volunteer to
assist a charity, or
help in
a community programme.
Wanting to be served, rather than to serve, is likely to lead a
leader into trouble. Maxwell quotes Albert
Schweitzer: "The ones... who will be really happy are those who have sought and found how to serve".
And a closing quote from Maxwell himself:
"If you want to be successful on the highest level, be willing to
serve on the lowest.
That's the best way to build relationships".
Some things to
think about:
Can you think of any leaders who have demonstrated servant leadership?
What do you admire about them? Maxwell: "Where is your heart when it comes to serving others? Do you desire to become a
leader for the
perks and benefits?
Or are you motivated by a
desire to help others?"
Psalm 91 is a Psalm about God's faithfulness. In this psalm we read that God is our refuge, He is our fortress, He saves is always the same. How have you experienced God's faithfulness throughout your life? Take time today to remember His faithfulness and how it has delivered you through the various stages of life. Thank God for His faithfulness and take comfort in knowing He will always be there for you
