RELATIONSHIP 101 {PART 3}

5.  How Can I Become a Better Listener?

This week we're on to part three of the second section (the building blocks of relationships) of Maxwell's book "Relationships 101".

"Treat every person as if he or she were the most important person in the world".

Maxwell kicks off with a series of quotes and jokes (and includes a lot of pertinent quotes throughout the chapter):

Edgar Watson Howe: "No man would listen to you talk if he didn't know it was his turn next"! Lyndon B. Johnson: "You ain't learnin' nothin' when you're doin' all the talkin'".

Woodrow Wilson: "The ear of the leader must ring with the voices of the people".

These comments all point to the importance of listening for building and maintaining relationships. Maxwell then sets the scene by considering the benefits that good listening skills can bring.

The Value of Listening

LISTENING SHOWS RESPECT

All too often people are trying to impress the other party in a conversation.  Maxwell's advice is to be "impressed and interested, not impressive and interesting"!  He quotes Ralph Waldo Emerson: "Every man I meet is in some way my superior, and I can learn of him".

LISTENING BUILDS RELATIONSHIPS

Dale Carnegie: "You can make more friends in two weeks by becoming a good listener than you can in two years trying to get people interested in you".  Being focussed on yourself is a certain turn-off in a relationship.  David Schwarz: "Big people monopolize the listening.  Small people monopolize the talking".

LISTENING INCREASES KNOWLEDGE

The ability to truly listen to other people is likely to bring a far greater understanding of the people you interact with, your work and workplace, and even yourself.  Maxwell tells a story about a tennis pro who had a pupil who insisted on giving his own opinions of how he could improve his game. After a while the tennis pro simply began to agree with the pupil.  Later he commented, "I learned a long time ago that it is a waste of time to try to sell real answers to anyone who just wants to buy echoes"!

A common danger in this regard is to assume that you know it all.  One needs to accept that one is not an expert in all matters and be prepared to listen to others.  "A deaf ear is sign of a closed mind".

LISTENING GENERATES IDEAS

Maxwell tells of a company in the USA that owns a number of highly successful restaurant chains.  Nearly

80% of the dishes on their menus have been suggested by employees of the company.  If one is prepared to listen to other people you will be presented with plenty of ideas to consider.  Even ideas that are not so good in themselves may be helpful in triggering other new thoughts in you.

LISTENING BUILDS LOYALTY

If one doesn't take the time to listen to other people they will go in search of someone who will.  This can lead to the breakdown of marriages, friendships, business partnerships, etc.  Conversely, good listening skills will be attractive to other people and will engender loyalty in them.

LISTENING IS A GREAT WAY TO HELP OTHERS AND YOURSELF

This really builds on several of the points above.  Listening to people will help them, but it will also help you (through improved information and understanding of people and situations).

HOW TO DEVELOP LISTENING SKILLS

Having provided a motivation for the importance of good listening skills, Maxwell provides nine practical tips.

1. LOOK AT THE SPEAKER

The starting point of good communication is to give the other person your undivided attention.  Don't stare at your computer screen, papers, etc.  If necessary, reschedule the meeting for a less busy time.

2. DON'T INTERRUPT

This is irritating to almost anyone.  Robert L. Montgomery: "It's just as rude to step on other people's ideas as it is to step on their toes"!  Maxwell identifies three possible reasons for interrupting:

i. Placing insufficient value on what the other person is saying ii. Trying to impress the other person with their insight

iii. Excitement at the topic of the conversation

If you tend to interrupt people, examine your reasons, and use this to help you control the habit.  Don't be put off by silent periods in a conversation.  They give an opportunity to both participants for reflection on what has been said, and consideration of a proper response.

3. FOCUS ON UNDERSTANDING

People often forget the subject of a conversation very quickly (some university studies indicate that only

50% is recalled immediately and only 25% by the next day).  Try to ensure that you have a good understanding of what is being discussed.

4. DETERMINE THE NEED AT THE MOMENT

Try to assess what the other person is trying to get from the conversation.  By putting yourself in their shoes you will improve your ability to understand them.

5. CHECK YOUR EMOTIONS

Many people have "emotional baggage" which dictates their reactions to other people.  If you find yourself losing control of your emotions in a  conversation try to restrain yourself and ask yourself what is causing this reaction.  At the very least, you should hear the other person out.

6. SUSPEND YOUR JUDGEMENT

Again, you should the full story from the other person before jumping into the conversation.  Don't jump to conclusions.

7. SUM UP AT MAJOR INTERVALS

This is one of the key techniques of "active listening".  John H. Melchinger: "Comment on what you hear, and individualize your comments...  It will help you keep on track as a listener... the other speaker will know you are listening and may offer further information".  At natural breaks in the conversation summarise your understanding of what the other person has said.  This will help you to ensure that you are understanding, and will assure the other person that you are listening and endeavouring to truly understand them.

8. ASK QUESTIONS FOR CLARITY

Maxwell notes that most good reporters are good listeners, and that is partly due to their ability to ask good questions.  It's important not to question aggressively or confrontationally, but to gently try to ease out further details and clarification of what has been said.  "If you show people how much you care and ask in a nonthreatening way, you'll be amazed by how much they'll tell you".

9. ALWAYS MAKE LISTENING YOUR PRIORITY

Many leaders listen less and less as they ascend the corporate ladder.  Apparently, Sam Walton (founder of the Wal-Mart - the biggest supermarket chain in the world) never lost the ability to listen to his employees. He once got his pilot to drop him off in the middle of Texas and then fly on to meet him 100 miles away so that he could ride in one of his delivery trucks and talk to the driver.

A closing quote: "Most people are able to hear, fewer are capable of really listening.  However, it's never too late to become a good listener.  It can change your life - and the lives of the people in your life".

Some things to think about:

Do you know any really good listeners?  What is it that makes them so?

Would you say that you are a good listener?  How could you improve your ability to listen?

6.  How Can I Build Trust with Others?

This week we begin the third and final section of Maxwell's book "Relationships 101".  This section covers the growth and development of relationships.

"When your words and actions match, people know they can trust you".

Maxwell opens with a lengthy quote from Stephen Covey's well-known book "The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People", which underscores the importance of good character and the trust which this will instill in others.  He cites a study of 1300 senior business executives in which 71% of the respondents stated that the most crucial factor in business success is integrity.

Integrity Is About the Small Things

"Integrity is important to building relationships.  And it is the foundation upon which many other qualities for success are built, such as respect, dignity, and trust".  Maxwell makes the point that many people believe that they can cut corners on small issues, and all will be well as long as they don't have any major moral collapses.  However, integrity does not thrive in grey areas and semantic escape routes (consider Bill Clinton's attempts to define his escapades with Monica Lewinsky as anything but what they were, as a dramatic example of the latter).  "Integrity commits itself to character over personal gain, to people over things, to service over power, to principle over convenience, to the long view over the immediate".  Integrity is often most apparent when under pressure, and this is when the lessons learned and the character forged in the small issues of life can ensure that one does the right thing: "Character isn't created in a crisis; it only comes to light"!

Integrity Is an Inside Job

People will often try to lay the responsibility for their character (or lack of it) on circumstances or upbringing, or other external factors.  In contradicting this, Maxwell makes three points:

1) INTEGRITY IS NOT DETERMINED BY CIRCUMSTANCES

We are responsible for our choices - good or bad.  This is often apparent in siblings who may grow up very differently.  I'm sure all of us know families where brothers and sisters have followed radically different paths in life, despite the similarities of upbringing that they have shared.

2) INTEGRITY IS NOT BASED ON CREDENTIALS

Too many people rely on their position in life or their title to determine how people will relate to them. Maxwell contrasts character and credentials as follows:

- "credentials are transient; character is permanent

- credentials [focus on] rights; character [focuses] on responsibilities

- credentials add value to only one person; character adds value to many people

- credentials look to past accomplishments; character builds a legacy for the future

- credentials often evoke jealousy...; character generates respect...

- credentials can only get you in the door; character keeps you there"

"No number of titles, degrees, offices, designations, wards, licenses, or other credentials can substitute for basic, honest integrity when it comes to the power of influencing others".

3) INTEGRITY IS NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH REPUTATION

While a good reputation is a great asset, it is only a reflection of the true character of a person.  D.L. Moody: "If I take care of my character, my reputation will take care of itself".

Integrity Is Your Best Friend

"Integrity... will never betray you or put you in a compromising position.  It keeps your priorities right... When others criticize you unfairly, it helps you keep going [without retaliating].  And when others' criticism is valid, integrity helps you to accept what they say, learn from it and keep growing".

Maxwell illustrates this with the story of Abraham Lincoln, who had an appalling reputation, being accused of dishonesty, vulgarity, of being a "third-rate country lawyer", and being called the most dreadful names.

A newspaper stated that he was "the craftiest and most dishonest politician that ever disgraced an office in

America"!  These accusations came from his opponents, but also from his own party and supporters and members of his cabinet.  However, Lincoln never compromised his principles, and history has judged much more favourably than his contemporaries.  Thomas Jefferson: "God grant that men of principle be our principal men".

Integrity Is Your Friends' Best Friend

If people trust your integrity they can trust you, without concern about your motives in your interactions with them.

Become a Person of Integrity

Maxwell gives three things that you can do to help you to be a person of integrity.

1) COMMIT YOURSELF TO HONESTY, RELIABILITY, AND CONFIDENTIALITY

One needs to make a distinct, conscious decision to live a life of integrity.  As already stated, when a crisis arises, it is too late to hope that one will act with integrity.  "Choose today to live by a strict moral code, and determine to stick with it no matter what happens".

2) DECIDE AHEAD OF TIME THAT YOU DON'T HAVE A PRICE

Again, this is a matter of decision and preparation.  The price may come in many forms: perhaps monetary, but power, pride, retaliation can all present rewards that can entice us to act rashly.  Hansie Cronje provides a sad illustration of someone with a great deal of character, who failed this test.

3) EACH DAY, DO WHAT YOU SHOULD BEFORE WHAT YOU WANT TO DO

Above, Maxwell stated "character [focuses] on responsibilities".  Attending to responsibilities before self- indulgence is another key test of integrity.  William James: "Everybody ought to do at least two things each day that he hates to do, just for the practice"!

Acting with integrity can bring great freedom.  Not only are you released from the potential of negative consequences of acting without integrity, but you are able to make a positive impact on the lives of people around you and enjoy their trust.  The latter benefits form a great foundation for building strong, healthy relationships.

For me the following statement by Maxwell (already quoted above) sums this chapter up very powerfully: "Integrity commits itself to character over personal gain,

to people over things, to service over power,

to principle over convenience,

to the long view over the immediate".

Some things to think about:

Do you know anyone you would consider to be a model of integrity?  Why?

Maxwell poses a number of questions in this chapter that provide a self-assessment of one's integrity.  He suggests reflecting on the questions and taking one's time to answer them.

How well do I treat people if I gain nothing?

Am I the same person in the spotlight as I am when I'm alone? Do I quickly admit wrongdoing without being pressed to do so? Do I put people ahead of my personal agenda?

Do I have an unchanging standard for moral decisions, or do circumstances determine my choices?

To be continued.