Relationships 101 – John Maxwell

"Relationships 101" forms part of a series entitled REAL (Relationships, Equipping, Attitude and Leadership) and is based on various other books that Maxwell has written (a few sections might be slightly familiar from his 21 Laws).  The book has eight chapters, divided into the following three sections:

1) The Nature of Relationships

2) The Building Blocks of Relationships

3) The Growth of Relationships

1.  Why Are Relationships Important to Success?

"Relationships are the glue that holds team members together".

As is his style, Maxwell starts the chapter with an example.  In this case it is Ronald Reagan, told by his

chief of staff, Michael Deaver, who had worked with Reagan for many years, both as Governor of California and as President.  Apparently, while very shy, Reagan had an incredible ability to connect with the people he

met irrespective of their status.  This was particularly true for the people who worked with him.  Deaver tells the story of how he admired a small bronze lion that was presented to Reagan as a gift by a conservation

group in 1975.  Ten years later, when Deaver resigned from the service of (then President) Reagan, he was presented with the lion.  Reagan had apparently spent some time trying to think of a suitable farewell gift,

and had recalled their conversation from ten years earlier.

"Everyone liked being around Ronald Reagan because he loved people and connected with them.  He understood that relationships were the glue that held his team members together - the more solid the relationships, the more cohesive his team".

Maxwell makes the point that all of us are involved in teams: in our families, work situations, possibly in sports teams or social clubs, etc.  He then gives the following five indicators, which will help us to judge the strength of our relationships.

1) Respect

This is really the starting point of a good relationship.  Maxwell notes that we should show respect to the people we meet before they have necessarily earned it, but that we should expect to earn it for ourselves.

2) Shared Experiences

Having laid a foundation of respect, relationships grow as we share in common experiences (particularly difficult ones).  Maxwell quotes a sports coach, who was asked if he would be able to repeat a successful season the following year.  His response was that it would be very difficult, because there was an annual turn-over of 25%-30% of the team, and hence many new players who did not share the team's common experiences.

3) Trust

Trust develops out of respect and shared experience.  There can be no doubt that trust is essential for a good relationship.  Maxwell quotes the Scottish pot, George MacDonald: "To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved"!

4) Reciprocity

Good relationships require give-and-take.  If one party is always giving and the other always receiving, the relationship will not last.  A while back I circulated an extract from Lance Armstrong's second book, in which he described the way in which he spends time in the early part of the cycling season working for his team mates, which helps to ensure their loyalty when he needs their support to win the Tour de France again and again.

5) Mutual Enjoyment

As relationships develop, people will enjoy each other's company.  This helps to build positive experiences, even out of unpleasant situations.

Maxwell ends off with another quote:

"Few things will pay you bigger dividends than the time and trouble you take to understand people.  Almost nothing will add more to your stature as an executive and a person.  Nothing will give you greater satisfaction or bring you more happiness".

George Kienzle and Edward Dare (from Climbing the Executive Ladder)

Some things to think about:

"How are you doing when it comes to being relational?  Do you spend a lot of time and energy building solid relationships, or are you so focused on results that you tend to overlook (or overrun) others?"

Do you know what motivates the members of your team?  How can you help them to achieve their goals and desires?

What can you do to help make our "team" experience better and more enjoyable?

2.  What Do I Need to Know About Others?

"People don't care how much you know, until they know how much you care".

The ability to understand people can be a major success factor in every area of your life.  In particular, it can have a huge impact on your communication with other people.  Maxwell quotes David Burns, a professor of psychiatry: "The biggest mistake you can make in trying to talk convincingly is to put your highest priority on expressing your ideas and feelings.  What most people really want is to be listened to, respected, and understood.  The moment people see that they are being understood, they become more motivated to understand your point of view".  In this way, understanding people is the key to motivating and influencing them in a positive way.

Why People Fail to Understand Others

Maxwell quotes a lawyer who ascribed half of all controversies and conflicts to a lack of understanding!  If understanding is so important, why are people so bad at it?!  Maxwell gives four possible reasons.

1) Fear

An initial lack of understanding can lead to fear, that feeds further misunderstanding, and so on, in an increasingly negative, downward spiral.  This is often the case in employees' reactions to their leaders. Maxwell quotes President Harry Truman: "When we understand the other fellow's viewpoint - understand what he is trying to do - nine times out of ten he is trying to do right".

2) Self-Centredness

Most human beings are inclined to put their own interests ahead of others'.  This is often (very!) evident in small children.  The best antidote for self-centredness is to try to put oneself in the other person's position. Maxwell quotes a successful salesman, who, when losing at chess would walk around the table and look at the board from his opponent's side.  Often he would discover the mistakes he had made in his game.  He applied the same philosophy to his sales: trying to view the world from the customer's perspective.

3) Failure to Appreciate Differences

Everyone has unique gifts and abilities.  Recognising these and appreciating them can be very liberating.  In particular, two people with different skills can complement each other very powerfully when they work together.  One often sees this in marriages, where the two partners have complementary temperaments or skills.  In the tea room yesterday we were discussing corporal punishment at schools, and someone observed that some children would be devastated by a caning, while others could be beaten regularly without it having any effect, underscoring how different people are motivated in different ways.

4) Failure to Acknowledge Similarities

To understand how someone is feeling, imagine how you would feel in their situation.  The chances are very good that they are experiencing the same emotions.

Maxwell then turns to several common facts about people that are key to understanding them. Things Everybody Needs to Understand About People

1) Everybody Wants to Be Somebody

"There isn't a person in the world who doesn't have the desire to be someone, to have significance  Even the least ambitious and unassuming person wants to be regarded highly by others".  Maxwell then recounts a story from his school days when he was struck by the applause for the local high school's basketball team as they ran out onto the court.  He went home and told his father that he wanted to be a basketball player.  Two years later he had the opportunity to play on the same court and delighted in running onto the court in the same way as the players he had seen before.

"Everybody wants to be somebody... If you treat every person you meet as if he or she were the most important person in the world, you'll communicate that he or she is somebody - to you".  Of course, the respect needs to be genuine - people will rapidly sense that they are being manipulated otherwise.

2) Nobody Cares How Much You Know Until They Know How Much You Care

This can be very difficult, particularly when we are dealing with "difficult" people, or with people who have hurt us.  Our interactions with others have the potential to bring us our greatest joys and greatest sorrows. "The challenge is to keep caring no matter what".

Maxwell quotes The Paradoxical Commandments by Dr. Kent M. Keith:

•      People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centred.  Love them anyway.

•      If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.  Do good anyway.

•      If you are successful, you win false friends and true enemies. Succeed anyway.

•      The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.

•      Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable. Be honest and frank anyway.

•        The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds.  Think big anyway.

•      People favour underdogs but follow only top dogs. Fight for a few underdogs anyway.

•      What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight. Build anyway.

•      People really need help but may attack you if you do help them. Help people anyway.

•        Give the world the best you have and you'll get kicked in the teeth. Give the world the best you have anyway.

3) Everybody Needs Somebody

"Contrary to popular belief, there are no such things as self-made men and women.  Everybody needs friendship, encouragement and help".  When they are working together, people can generally achieve far more than they can alone, and will usually also find greater joy in the work.

Maxwell quotes one of my favourite Bible passages here: Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 (NIV)

4) Everybody Can Be Somebody When Somebody Understands and Believes In Them

A small gesture of recognition can make a huge impact in someone's life.  "Little things, done deliberately at the right time, can make a big difference".  The Tomorrow's Professor mailing list had an article recently that focused on this subject: many students, when questioned about the incidents during their time at university that had had a great significance for them, often mentioned apparently insignificant interactions with their lecturers.  In many cases, a simple word of encouragement, or recognition of an achievement had sparked something in these students that had played a significant part in determining the path of the rest of their lives.  When I read the Tomorrow's Professor article I found it hugely challenging, but it is also an incredible privilege to be in a position to be able to have that kind of impact on other people.

5) Anybody Who Helps Somebody Influences a Lot of Bodies

It is often impossible to quantify the impact that our interactions with someone can have.  "What you give to one person overflows into the lives of all the people that person impacts".  While that can bring a great deal of satisfaction, which is a great reward in itself, it will often result in direct benefits from the grateful recipient.

Choose to Understand Others

"In the end, the ability to understand people is a choice.  It's true that some people are born with great instincts that enable them to understand how others think and feel.  But even if you aren't instinctively a people person, you can improve your ability to work with others.  Every person is capable of having the ability to understand, motivate, and ultimately influence others".

Some things to think about:

Can you think of anyone who, through understanding you in some way, has had a major impact on your life? Would you say that you are "instinctively a people person" or not?

To be continued