SHOULD I SETTLE FOR ONE OF THEM?

 Q: I always like guys that are “out of my league” (or that don’t like me back) and I always get hit on by guys who are not “my type”.  Am I being too picky? Should I settle for one of them?

 

A: “Should I Settle”?

Out of the hundreds of questions that were submitted for the Dating Q&A series, this one REALLY stuck out to me. It stuck out to me because it’s a question I get in many different forms, from different people, from all across the world. And it’s a question that confirms the confusion that’s out there regarding who you should or shouldn’t date, and what is and isn’t important in a relationship.

Let me clarify, before I get into this, that this question is NOT referring to someone who has been in a long term relationship. We’re NOT talking about engagement here, or even marriage. We’re talking about something that happens long before that.

We’re talking about a date.

We’re talking about going out with someone who is not typically your “type”.  

We’re talking about “settling” for someone who isn’t necessarily your norm.

We’re talking about taking a chance on someone a little outside of your expectations.

I’m just going to go ahead and say it: Ladies, many of you have gotten completely confused as to what really matters in a relationship.

There is a generation of women who are creating their “husband must-have list” with qualities ranging from “godly”, to “musical” to “missions-minded” all the way to “6 foot 4”, “muscular”, “dark hair” and “blue eyes”. And oh yah, he has to be able to cook like a gourmet chef, plan extravagant romantic dates, open all my doors for me, and make a six-figure income.

We’ve confused our MAJORS with our MINORS, and exchanged our PREFERENCES for NEEDS.

And when every single thing on your list is a “must have”, than you’re likely going to be single for a very, very long time.

I seriously believe that the entertainment industry, namely chick-flicks, have had a serious impact on what we think is “settling” in a relationship. Hollywood has convinced us to believe in a kind of man that doesn’t actually exist.

Not because there aren’t GOOD men, even GREAT men out there – but because there is no such thing as a perfect man. Except Jesus, and I’m pretty sure he’s not up for grabs.

To be honest, to answer this question fairly, I think we really need to take the time to redefine our definition of “settling”. The question above really needs to be dissected and discussed because it reflects a pervasive view that is plaguing our generation. The question in and of itself reflects that guys who are typically this woman’s “type” are guys who typically “don’t like her back”.

Can we just pause for a moment here?!

If “settling” means going after a guy who likes you back, then my answer to that question is: YES! PLEASE SETTLE!!!

If “settling” means going on a date with a guy that you would typically see as a good and loyal friend, then YES! PLEASE SETTLE!!!

If “settling” means choosing to get to know a man who displays qualities of godliness, integrity, and character, but doesn’t necessarily have a body like Channin Tatum, then YES! PLEASE SETTLE!!!

If “settling” means getting to know a kind, true Jesus-loving man rather than the typical jerks you find yourself dating, then YES!! PLEASE SETTLE!!

If “settling” means saying yes to a man who treats you with love, honour, respect, and kindness but isn’t your typical height/weight/colour/ethnicity requirements, then YES! PLEASE SETTLE!!

If “settling” means adjusting your preferences to hold on to the things that REALLY MATTER in a relationship, then YES! PLEASE SETTLE!!!

We’re not talking about settling on important qualities. We’re not talking about settling on respect, on love, on grace, on godliness, on loyalty, on honesty, and on forgiveness. You should never settle for someone that doesn’t treat you well, or give you the honour and respect you SO DESERVE.

That’s not what we’re talking about at all.

But what we are talking about is letting go of your typically “type” and your superficial preferences, to open your heart to the many good men out there that may not typically be “your type”.

In fact, ladies, I personally “settled” for a man who was way outside of my typical “preferences” – and in the end, gained the husband and man I so desperately needed (read more about that in this article!)

So my advice to you is to let go of your preconceived ideas of “your type” and be on the lookout for the qualities of a real man. They come in all different shapes, colours and sizes. Because ladies, those are the kind of men whose love will last a lifetime. And there is no greater gift than that.

So yes, ladies, please….go ahead and “settle” for those kind of good men. Nice guys are out there, and they typically “finish last”. Let’s work on changing that.  

Debra Fileta

LETTER TO A SINGLE LADY

Dear Single Girl,

I don’t know you personally, yet, but there are a few things I want to tell you with the hope that I will get to know you some day.

Actually, there are 5 things I want you to know:

1. How to get a man’s attention. The guy that you are looking for isn’t attracted to charm as

much as he is Godliness because beauty fades but Godliness GROWS (1 Peter 3:3-5). I know that the culture will tell you that guys are turned away and intimidated by girls that love Jesus and have strong values and convictions. Culture is wrong; boys may be turned away by strong convictions, but men are not. Be the woman God has called you to be, and a godly man will notice.

2. Run from “Prince Charming”. Some girls seem to give attention to every smooth talker and cool dresser that comes their way. Please don’t do that; be patient and wait on a man who is concerned with pursuing Jesus, not another trophy. Only give the GROWING, God fearing man a chance to pursue you. Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain (Proverbs 31:30).

3. I am just a guy, not a God. A guy will crumble under the weight of being your God. No other person can complete you or make you happy. There are lots of great physical and emotional benefits that come from a relationship, but none of it is enough to sustain a healthy loving marriage if your faith is not in Jesus. No guy will complete you, so don’t put him on that pedestal (he will fall).

4. Don’t wait on me, pursue Jesus. From my male perspective, there is nothing more attractive than a woman being obedient to Jesus and taking the risk to follow Jesus wherever He leads. Too many times I notice girls in the church just sitting and waiting on a man to come and rescue them from a life of boredom. When it comes time for me to pick a partner, I want somebody that can follow me on an adventure, not someone that is used to doing nothing and complaining about the fact that no one is interested in them. Pursue Jesus and I will pursue you when He gives me the green light.

5. Time is not running out. Singleness is a gift, not a curse. You want to be beautiful? Put your hope in God and don’t give way to fear; trust His timing (1 John 4:18). Don’t waste your single years by always waiting on what is next and turning yourself into a man chaser. Let’s follow God right now and trust Him to take care of the next. God is sovereign and able to direct both of us to each other when the time is right.

Until Then,

A Single Guy

4 THINGS TO KNOW FINDING "MR RIGHT" PART 1

When a woman gets to the stage where marriage seems to be the single most important thing in the universe, the doors of temptation fling wide open. Patience, grace, and feminine mystique are put to the ultimate test. But sisters, here’s one thing to remember; DO NOT approach a man when he is hungry or thirsty!

My dad does not function very well when he is hungry. A brother I know, who everyone also knows is super humorous and cheerful can be a tantrum-throwing baby and completely irrational when he’s hungry (maybe I’m exaggerating a little bit. But the point is, I have noticed men don’t like to be bothered when they are hungry. 

Boaz, Ruth’s husband was apparently the same way, hence Naomi’s instructions;

“Wash yourself therefore, and anoint yourself and put on your best clothes, and go down to the threshing floor; but do not make yourself known to the man until he has finished eating and drinking.” (Ruth 3:3)

Naomi decided that it was time for Ruth to be married. She instructed her to prepare herself and go down to the threshing floor where Boaz would be winnowing barley (in other words – he was at a place where he was separating trash from treasure). Ruth was to wait for four things to happen;

1. Wait until he’s done his work (of separating trash from treasure)

2. Wait until he is done eating

3. Wait until he is done drinking

4. Wait until he is sleeping

The same instructions are given to virtuous women today. If you notice a young man who you are impressed to see as fit to take on the role of husband, father, and priest, you must ensure that he has done his work of getting rid of “chaff” in his life.

Psalm 1:4 lets us know… “Boaz was winnowing in order to get rid of the “worthless” part of the grain.”

Everyone has chaff and there are some things that you cannot afford to allow into a relationship. From a distance, Ruth waited and watched Boaz thresh barley. From a distance, you must also take notice to see whether this man is actively working with the Lord to get rid of “worthless things” in his life.

Then she had to wait until he was done eating.

“Jesus said to them, “I am the bread of life; he who comes to Me will not hunger, and he who believes in Me will never thirst.” (John 6:35)

A man who is still hungry has not yet come to Jesus, and if he is thirsty, he has not yet believed in your Saviour. 

Researchers found that “when people are hungry, they are more likely to be angry or aggressive…the reason is because: serotonin levels — a hormone that helps regulate behaviour, fluctuate when people are stressed out or haven’t eaten.” Basically, when someone is hungry, the levels of serotonin are so affected that it causes one to react in anger, irritation, or frustration. You can expect a man who is not spiritually fed to react in the same manner.

Finally, Ruth had to wait until Boaz was asleep.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”(Matthew 11:28)

Has this man found spiritual rest in Christ? Too many men are stressed out, burnt out, and have no rest. These characteristics will add stress to your relationship. It is vital that he finds rest for his soul.

Note that before God brought Eve to Adam, Adam had eaten , he had rivers of pure water , he had his work , and he fell asleep. All these Boaz had also done. Now it’s time for Ruth to make her entrance!

But wait…

Maybe you’re thinking that in order for this man to notice you, you have to do something to make him notice you right? No, Ruth does the opposite…she lies down. She doesn’t make any sound to wake up Boaz. Ruth approached quietly…and lay down.

When the time comes for you to make yourself known to a man worthy of you, you make your self-known by not making yourself known.

Proverbs 25:2 says “It is the glory of God to conceal a matter but the glory of kings to search it out.”

If a man is truly a Godly king, the Lord will wake him up to your presence and he will search you out. All you have to do is “lay low” and let the Lord wake him up.

But what does you “laying low” means? Should you just sit back and wait for him to come knock at your door?

TO BE CONTINUED

ALL GUYS WANT SEX

Many women don’t have a clue about men. But one thing they know: men constantly have sex on their minds. This idea is clearly and consistently taught.

While men must deal with the reality of sex on their minds, girls deal with the pressures of being told they need to keep themselves pure. Often young Christian girls are involved in purity rites and given jewellery in exchange for promises that they will protect their purity and save themselves for marriage.

Esteeming purity is a great thing, as God’s design for sex is solely within the bounds of marriage. But much of what we teach about sex, leads to fear about dating. The message many girls receive is: dating is dangerous, men are dangerous, they will be aggressors, users, and you have to be your own protector. Should you fail, the consequences will be devastating and life-long.

So when faced with living out those purity promises in the in the real world, how do you actually do this? Particularly in the days where dating in our culture often means sex after the third date.

For many girls, the answer is simply to avoid dating altogether. This is often not a conscious decision. If you talk to many of these girls, they are in tears about not dating. They long to be asked out, to be out on a Saturday night, etc. But their fears keep them safely guarded against the possibility of failure. Their fears may range from fear about men’s intentions, their own abilities to stay pure, fear of having to set boundaries, of looking or feeling awkward, not wanting to disappoint someone, their fear of looking prude, etc. And this is not just the girl who has never been kissed before, this can also be the girls who has sexual sin in her past, but has a desire to stay pure in the future.

Fortunately, God has some very practical answers to these anxieties. For example, in my own journey, God made it clear to me one day that despite my past failings, “if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!” (2 Corinthians 5:17) I know that I am a new creation, and saw my desires for sex change when I became a believer. But it was years after I understood that I was also a new creation in the sense that I had new abilities to abstain from sexual sin through the power of the Holy Spirit. You see I did not really believe I was a new creation with the ability to do new things. I knew that I could believe new things, but actually do them? I had never tested that ability when it came to sexuality. Was it possible for me to date without succumbing to sexual sin?

By meditating on that verse, not only did God affirm my own identity as a new creation, He affirmed the men around me as new creations as well. As a believer who wanted to date other believers, God’s word provided me the assurance that the men I would be acquainted with also had the same desires and abilities as a result of their faith. Therefore, I could go forward and confidently date, knowing that there would be men who would be gentlemen with abilities and interests that went beyond sex.

God taught me this, but then I had to test it. What I found astounded me. I found that there were men who would take ladies on many dates without expectation of physical intimacies. This was a brand new experience for me, and it was so fun and refreshing! I also found that the conversations which I dreaded about sex were actually not that hard, were well received and not nearly as scary as I had believed.

Sex is a very real fear for many women when it comes to dating. But there are so many other fears that keep men and women from pursuing a mate with confidence and freedom. Jesus’ most often repeated command in the four gospel accounts is “Do Not Fear.” God longs for us to live confidently in the knowledge that He is a loving, sovereign and ever-present Father.   His message extends beyond just our confidence about where we will spend eternity, but also to the practicalities of our everyday lives, even our dating lives!

Challenge yourself to identify the fears that are holding you back, and pray that you would begin to believe and act on God’s truth. Living in your fears may keep you safe, but Christ came to set you free. (John 8:32)

WHO SHOULD I MARRY?

Fill in the blank: Marriage is _______. Depending on your own relationship status, maybe the first words that came to mind were “fun” or “exciting” or maybe even “not for me.” But I think it’s safe to say that if you’re married, at one point or another, you would fill in that blank with “hard.” Marriage is hard—it’s awesome, but it’s challenging. But if you’re committed to it, the hard stuff will grow you and make you a better person than the day you said, “I do.”

Hannah, who blogs at The Art in Life, has only been married a few years, but a recent struggle she and her husband went through has had her thinking a lot about the challenges of marriage and what she wished someone had told her before she got married. “When you get married, you don’t think about things like ‘how will my spouse and I navigate tense moments like finding out someone blew through our credit cards,’” Hannah writes. “You imagine all the happy things, and you imagine hard things too, but of the grand variety.  Those things can break you, but they also prompt people to rise to the challenge. What I’m talking about are the little things that eat away at you, slow water over stone.”

Yes, it is often the little things, over time, which can have us building a wall up between us and our spouse, brick by brick. But if the foundation is secure, these little things don’t have to crumble our marriage. Hannah lists four specific things that have made a difference in laying a strong foundation in her marriage. They are:

1. MARRY SOMEONE WHO IS PATIENT WITH YOU. 

“Whatever patience you have in dating will be cut in half by marriage, and probably again in half by children,” Hannah says.  “Start with a lot. Someone who is prone to anger will be someone who is miserable to walk through life with, because there sure are a lot of reasons to get angry.” If you are the “angry one” in your marriage, take some time and do a heart check—what is your anger telling you? iBelieve writer Wendy van Eyck discovered that her anger was often a symptom of a deeper anxiety and insecurity issues. “I realized I was angry because I was feeling insecure,” Wendy writes. “In that instance, it was my fear of being wrong and looking stupid that had caused me to lash out.”

2. MARRY SOMEONE WHO IS YOUR ADVOCATE. 

“I feel like that should be a given, but I am startled by the number of people I meet who are dating someone who discourages them,” Hannah notes.  “Life will discourage you, so pick someone who doesn’t.”

3. MARRY SOMEONE WHOSE CAREER YOU CAN GET BEHIND. 

What do you imagine life like with your spouse? Dinner with the family every night at 6? Raising kids and growing old in the same house? Traveling the world together? If your expectation is for family dinners every night, consider how important that is to you before you marry someone who works nights or someone whose job requires extensive travel. You’ll save yourself a lot of heartache if your expectations align with reality.

4. MARRY SOMEONE YOU LIKE TALKING TO ABOUT THINGS OTHER THAN YOUR RELATIONSHIP.

“I like James, as a friend, not just as husband,” Hannah writes. “I think he’s interesting and funny. If I didn’t, life would be boring blah punctuated with a little romance.” I like Hannah’s advice, but I’ll add this caveat to it: I think many couples don’t talk intentionally about their relationship enough. Sure, they’ll have it out when fights come up, but it’s important to talk about your relationship before the drama happens. Taking an evening once a month to discuss your marriage can do wonders in making sure both people feel heard and validated.

What do you think? What advice would you add to this list for couples who are considering marriage? Leave a comment below and let us know what has helped your marriage stay strong over the years!

5 PIECES OF DATING ADVICE THAT ARE ACTUALLY HELPFUL

I’ve had the privilege of being mentored by a marriage and family therapist for the past fourteen years. 

Mentoring is a huge understatement and is probably only a euphemism he uses to soften the fact that I’ve actually been receiving free therapy all this time! Meeting with professionals like him would normally cost a truckload of money, so I’m very thankful he’s never sent me a bill. If he did, I’d probably owe him at least twenty thousand dollars—no joke. 

Through hundreds of our unofficial counselling sessions, I’ve gleaned at least five key aspects of dating that are relevant to both singles and those who are in a relationship. 

1. SEARCH FOR A SPOUSE LIKE YOU WOULD A CALLING 

Some people had their vocational calling revealed to them from an early age. Whether it was a doctor,

school teacher, or an artist, these individuals knew their ideal career since they first listened to a heartbeat through a stethoscope or sketched with a pencil. The majority of others, however, have probably hiked more ambiguous career paths, placing effort into searching for their God-given vocational passions by trying at least a few different venues. 

Likewise with finding a spouse: Some people married their high school or college sweetheart while the rest of us will probably need to go on at least a few dates to find Mr. or Mrs. Right. The point of searching for a spouse like you would a calling, therefore, becomes twofold. First, resting in the fact that God knows our hearts, and we can trust he will bring us a spouse as part of our overall calling. Second, it is God's responsibility to reveal this person to us as we put effort into finding him or her. 

2. RETHINK YOUR LIST 

A lot of us have created a mental or physical checklist of qualities we seek in a spouse. These traits are based on the values we hold or what we find most important. The first list I created many years ago contained over thirty obligatory qualities for my future partner! (Any wonder why I’m still single?!) 

However, it is important to remember that lists will always reveal more about us than they ever will about someone else. Whenever we label something (or someone) we are essentially only defining ourselves. Understanding this concept helps us hold on to our list loosely, writing most items in pencil, not in pen. If, however, we clutch to an ironclad, stagnant list, we could very easily miss a potential mate. Our future spouse will be far more colorful and dynamic than a list will ever encompass, so give God permission to add, subtract, and modify it frequently. 

3. REGULARLY VISIT THE SPIRITUAL GYM

I believe the type of effort required to create an amazing marriage will be similar to the work required to win the Super Bowl. Professional football teams spend countless, dedicated hours at the gym and endure many gruelling practices during the regular season. They fully expect their hard work and discipline to pay off. If the team becomes the champions, you would expect words like endurance, sacrifice, and preparation to be used by the players in postgame interviews. 

Likewise, the time we invest during our single years becomes our own "regular season" and the optimal training ground for marriage. Marriage will undoubtedly challenge all of our selfishness, pride, and ego, so why wait until the playoffs (dating) and the Super Bowl (marriage) to begin training for the most daunting human-to-human relationship? It is true that Christ doesn’t ask us to refine ourselves for our future spouse; instead, he commands us to transform for his sake (1 Timothy 4:8). A healthy marriage will just reap the benefits of spiritual fitness. 

4. CLARIFY MEANING - AND OFTEN 

Miscommunication and strife often occur in relationships when two people place different meanings on the same event or circumstance For example, I could ask a woman out for coffee instead of asking her on a date. In my head, I meant coffee-date, but left unverbalized, she could very well be receiving mixed signals. Then, when we are sipping lattes together, we have to deal with the unnecessary and awkward vagueness of trying to guess the meaning the other person is placing on the outing. 

Even during steady dating relationships, differences in meaning also occur with regularity. If Rebekah wants me to meet her parents, I might believe the relationship is getting serious, but she may consider it just another fun date. This is totally normal. Mixed meanings like this occur in all aspects of guy-girl friendships and dating relationships, whether it is placing a hand on a hip, going on a road trip together, or meeting siblings. 

The bottom line is that when you feel there could be a discrepancy in the meaning of a circumstance, it is important to communicate the significance you place on it. Habits like this from the get-go will produce an honest and healthy relationship.  

5. LEAD YOUR HEART; DON’T LET IT LEAD YOU 

Scripture commands us to “Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life” (Proverbs 4:23). Following this wisdom will protect us from unnecessary pain if the relationship ends before marriage. The primary way we lead our heart (and not let it lead you) is by taking the relationship S-L-O-W.  

We can deliberately take an unhurried approach to a new relationship by following three principles. First, centre the conversations on mutual interests and minimize deeper conversations until higher commitment exists. Second, focus the relationship on fun, shared activities such as jogging, playing board games, or attending a concert. Third, place a moratorium on physical touch until you are confident in the direction of the relationship. This may seem extreme, but enticing activities like holding hands and kissing become tantamount to emotional Super Glue. And if you’ve ever accidently glued two fingers together, you understand how painful it is when you tear them apart. 

Eric Demeter

5 MISCONCEPTION ABOUT THE PASTOR’S WIFE

S

cripture provides no list of qualifications for a pastor’s wife. Pastors and deacons are covered in 1 Timothy 3 and Titus 1, but the pastor’s wife? She doesn’t show up, at least in terms of suitability for an office.

Nevertheless, some churches have their own set of unwritten qualifications for the pastor’s wife, many of which create unrealistic expectations and abundant misconceptions. These can place undue pressure on the wife of a pastor. This shouldn’t be the case, however, since Scripture knows no such formal category.  

Here are five popular misconceptions about the pastor’s wife: 

1. YOU HAVE IT ALL TOGETHER.

Some will assume you’ve worked through all your issues. Sure, you may struggle, but not with anything “major” (whatever that may be). Oh, sister, may I encourage you? On this side of heaven, we will always have battle to do with our flesh. Will the Father give relief at times? Yes! But “If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us” (1 John 1:8). We’re off the hook, not to sin so that grace may abound but to live a life pleasing to God—a life bought by the perfect blood of Christ, not our own blood, sweat, and tears to “get it right.”

Three years into Matt’s position as pastor of The Village Church, I entered a 12-step program. Let me quell the questions: I didn’t “work the steps” because he became a pastor. I needed to recover from the addiction of being a good girl and performing my way into God’s good graces. I said with my lips that salvation is by grace alone through faith alone. I even thought I believed this. But in my heart of hearts, I functioned as if it all depended on me. With my life I said, “God, thanks for saving me, but I’ve got it from here.”

So one Thursday night at the church, in front of those who only knew me as their pastor’s wife, I stood up to say, “There’s something the Lord is asking me to surrender.” The weight of what people would think of me nearly glued me to my seat and kept me from standing. But I felt something incredible the moment I rose to my feet. I felt weightlessness. I felt relief. And there were tears—lots and lots of tears. In all my anxiety over what the people would think of me—the gasps and whispers I thought I’d hear—I instead found fellowship. I wasn’t untouchable or unrelatable. I became real to them—in real need of a real Saviour.

2. YOUR GIFTING SHOULD MATCH YOUR HUSBAND’S.

Although you and your husband are one flesh, you are not the same person. God made you differently. And yet He knew what He was doing in putting both of you together. He doesn’t make mistakes. 

By God’s grace, be the best “you” that you can be. Do you enjoy hosting people in your home? Do you love to teach? Do you come alive when you sit across from another woman pouring out her heart?

Matt is an exceptional preacher and teacher. I’ve received and accepted multiple invitations to speak and teach, but it’s not a burning desire within me. I say “no” more often than “yes.” Leading worship, on the other hand, is something I eagerly desire. It excites me to lead 5 or 500 people in song. Matt loves to sing, but you don’t want him leading worship in song. Trust me. 

I am not Matt and Matt is not me. Praise Jesus.

3. KISS HAVING CLOSE FRIENDS GOODBYE.

There’s wisdom in carefully choosing with whom you disclose your hopes, desires, and struggles, especially when doing so sheds light on your husband’s flaws. Not everyone can handle such information with grace and maturity. Don’t buy the lie though, that you can’t have close friends. Doing so will only isolate you and your husband from good fellowship with other believers. Everyone in your church should know you and your husband are sinners, not because you blatantly participate in sinful acts but because of 1 John 1:8.

My closest friends for the past 12 years have been either on staff, married to church staff, or covenant members of our church. I also have dear friends in ministry in other cities, states, and even countries, but there’s something special about having day-in and day-out friends. They can see the inconsistencies in my life and can speak into them. 

Have there been awkward seasons and disagreements? Yes. But God’s steadfast love has shone the brightest when we’ve addressed the awkward, and generously forgiven and loved one another in the middle of the mess.

4. YOU MUST BE FRIENDS WITH EVERYONE.

Even if you’re not a pastor’s wife, how deeply are you able to know everyone? It’s impossible to be the same kind of friend to everyone. You can try, but most—if not all—of your relationships will only be an inch deep. We are limited! We practice humility when we acknowledge we can’t be close friends with everyone and must trust the Lord to meet that need in both us and them. 

That said, if your friend circle is so tight that it hasn’t changed in years, examine your heart. Is your group of friends hospitable or alienating? You can’t control what others think, but you can be warm, amiable, and flexible. And you can protect yourself from trading depth for width.

5. YOUR KIDS ARE THE MOST SANCTIFIED IN YOUR CHURCH.

Faith isn’t an inheritable trait. Although our homes should model what Scripture outlines for a family, our children are individuals with their own faith. As my husband often says, we can put all the kindling we can find around their hearts—family devotions, discussing Scripture as we go, modelling forgiveness by asking for and giving it freely, expressing our own need for Jesus, praying for their salvation—but it takes the Holy Spirit to ignite the flame of faith.

Our kids are like anyone else’s. They’re going to fail. They will choose poorly. My kids are at church a lot. They know all the nooks and crannies, all the stashes of mints and crackers. The staff knows them, and they know the staff. This comfort factor often gets them in trouble. Unlike most of the non-staff kids at church, mine let their guards down. They don’t always feel the need to be on their best behaviour. We train them to be respectful, but they have their bad moments—we all do. My kids need Jesus just as much as the next kid.

Whatever misconceptions you may face, sister, remember that your ultimate identity is in Christ’s performance as your Saviour, not in your performance as a pastor’s wife.

By: TPW

SIGNS HE IS NOT THE ONE

Three college friends and I sat in a hotel lounge, chatting about our younger days. “What was I thinking? The signs were all there, telling me he was Mr. Wrong,” one of them said as she sipped her latte. “I didn’t see the red flags ‘cause I was too busy being in love with the idea of being loved.”

“Me too,” my other friend said. “Why didn’t someone write the book on how to find the man of your dreams?”

All four of us chuckled. We graduated from the same college, lived in the same dorm. And, though none of us would admit it, we shared similar restlessness about finding the right man. We attended classes but in that college campus, what we secretly studied was the male population, hoping one of them would be husband material. In general, the search was fun. But at times, high expectations ended up in deep disappointment. And other times, the “love” we chased ended up with heartache chasing us instead. But even with a few scars, we made it through with a wealth of insight. Most of which comes from experiences lived, episodes endured, and lessons learned in the classroom of pain. How different our lives would have been if we only had the wisdom to heed these signs.

Sign 1: HE ALLOWS HIS ROMANCE TO TURN INTO PHYSICAL ROAMING.

And with soothing words, he attempts to invade the boundaries you clearly established more than

once. Yet time and time again he insists, whispering he’ll love you forever hoping you’ll give in. Caution: that’s his testosterone talking, not a man of integrity who values and respects you. That’s when Satan goes into action repeating, “You’ll lose him if you don’t give in.” False. You’ll only lose your own integrity and gain the heartache that disobedience brings.

Time to assess: Should you fail in this area, God will forgive when you ask. He will grant you renewed clarity and peace. And with confidence, you can declare:“If I had cherished sin in my heart, the Lord would not have listened; but God has surely listened and heard my voice in prayer.” (Psalm 66:17-18)

Sign 2: HIS SINCERITY IS QUESTIONABLE.

When you speak of your Christian convictions, he agrees with you. When you invite him to visit your church, he goes along. But when you ask him to pray with you, he squirms. Or when discussing deeper issues regarding spirituality, he is ambiguous and distant. Warning: he might be going through the motions to win you over. This red flag needs to fly high reminding you he’s not the spiritual leader, the kind you need should marriage plans appear in the horizon.

Time to assess: Be true to God first and be sincere in your asking for His guidance to identify the strong spiritual leader with sound convictions and good character to be your future husband. Then confidently repeat, “Let me see your kindness to me in the morning, for I am trusting You. Show me where to walk, for my prayer is sincere.” (Psalm 143:8-10, The LB-Paraphrased)

Sign 3: OTHERS ARE WARNING YOU.

You think he’s the one because he “makes you feel so good.” But those around you who know you well and whom you respect give you warnings. They point out flaws you overlook because you’re so much “in love” that you’ve become deaf to their wisdom. But often feelings can be wrong. And emotions can blind one from seeing potential pitfalls.

Time to assess: Your own path to happiness might not be God’s way to bring you lasting joy. Reflect on the advice given, and no matter how well-defined your plans are, welcome wise counsel from those who love you because “Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.” (Proverbs 15:22)

Sign 4: CRITICISM BECOMES A PATTERN.

Sometimes you might mistake humility and patience when he is free with harsh criticism toward you and others. But when experiencing this during dating, it might be a sign of potential emotional abuse only to increase after that wedding day.

Time to assess: Because you are the daughter of the King, you mustn’t endure painful words, insensitive treatment or even rudeness. Expect to be treated with utmost respect because you know who you are—the masterpiece in God’s hands as you declare: “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” (Psalm 139:14)

Sign 5: HE’S IN THE RED.

Although money is not the most important aspect of a relationship, it is the number one reason for divorce. And if marriage is a possibility with the man you’re dating, observe his attitude toward money, his spending habits and his commitment to tithe. Each will give you clues on what to expect should you become his wife. If he’s a creature that flings credit cards at every turn, that’s your clue to dig a little deeper. Otherwise, entering into marriage with debt, money issues and financial troubles will surely have you walking down the aisle toward the altar of disaster.

Time to assess: What does he treasure? What is he storing in his heart? This is the standard by which you must measure him: “… store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” (Matthew 6:20)

Whether you’re 20 or 60 years old, or whether it’s your first date or you’re about to send out wedding invitations, bring your girlfriend with you. Her name is “wisdom.” God’s wisdom will help you answer these two vital questions: Does this man love God more than he loves me? And do his words, actions, attitude, demeanor, dreams and character reflect this conviction?

The answer to these questions will determine whether decades later you’ll be drinking the latte of regret or sipping the fresh water of true happiness in marriage.

By: TPW